Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S18 E1: Fresh WTFery

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomIt’s a new season of The Bachelorette and I’m here to see what fresh WTFery is in store.

This season’s Bachelorette is Michelle Young, a teacher from Minnesota.

Once again Tayshia and Kaitlyn are hosting, replacing Chris Harrison.

Once again my sassy, 15 year old Siamese, Pudding, is here to be unimpressed.

Pudding lays in her bed in front of a bookshelf

It’s definitely a No Bones Day, and I’m still recovering from traveling for several days, so I’m forgoing an adult beverage for a bottle of water and my softest blanket. Pudding also has a soft blankie and will only drink cold water poured out of the bottle–tap water is beneath her.

Once again they’re filming at a resort. Michelle hasn’t met any of the dudes yet, but Kaitlyn and Tayshia knock on their hotel room doors, then kick them out and snoop through their stuff.

When they get to Ryan, they find a bunch of papers in his room about how to get more screen time, which past contestants to emulate, how to get good edits, and a paper titled “STrategy.”

His notes are full of grammatical errors, totally random capitalization, and they folder they are has a big sticker on it that says, “Bachlorette.”

So maybe your STrategy should be running a spell check, Ryan.

Pudding gives him a paws down. She’s disappointed because I had to explain to her that the men just go home when they’re kicked off, and they aren’t actually fed to the Rose God. She said that really dials back the drama.

The producers, I’m guessing, have Michelle get into a limo and drive around the block so they can get a shot of her pulling up to the hotel she’s already staying in.

Tayshia, Michelle and Kaitlyn stand outside the hotel

She starts meeting the dudes. One of them is named Jack Russell. For real.

Chris S shows up in a school bus wearing shorts (with black socks up to the knee) and carrying a backpack. One dude shows up with no pants, but a tuxedo themed g-string. Ryan, the guy with the notes, arrives in an ice cream truck. Peter describes himself as a “Pizzapreneur” and throws pizza dough into the air and lets it splatter on the ground.

I’m 45 minutes in and the only person I care about is the resort employee who has to scrape the dough off the driveway.

So then Joe arrives, but it turns out Michelle knows him. She says she slid into his DMs and they messaged about basketball and then he ghosted her. She said she’s still open to talking to him.

Joe tells her he wasn’t in a good place to open up at that time because he owns rental property in George Floyd Square. Michelle says she’s a woman of color living in Minnesota and that she was experiencing the same things he was, and that all he had to do was tell her what he was dealing with rather than ghost her. She says she’s worried that he won’t communicate with her if things get tough.

Later Tayshia and Kaitlyn tell Michelle about Ryan’s “Bachlorette STrategy.” She confronts Ryan who says he is new to the franchise so he did research on how to act. She points out she doesn’t want him to act.

Then he gets real sweaty and says those aren’t even his notes but notes written for him by a friend’s wife because he doesn’t watch the show. Then he says he did write some of them.

Click for Ryan

A dumpster burns

Michelle asks to look at the notes. He takes her up to his room and shows her the file. There’s a piece of paper that’s marked “dream girls dating list.”

WTF is even happening right now?

Ryan, bro...

A cat asks excuse me wtf r u doing

Michelle kicks him out so she can read his notes. He stands in the hallway sweating and says, “I’m here for the right reasons,” a bunch of times like he’s trying to summon something. Then he says, “I just never have seen the show enough that I just wrote them down…advice from my couple girlfriends, that’s it.”

Then hilariously she reads one of those notes from a girlfriend that says, “Ryan, your biggest fault is that you are overconfident, arrogant and it’s a massive turn off to people. Best to keep those thoughts to yourself.”

Click for me

Jennifer Lawrence cringes

DAMN.

And that’s from someone who likes him enough to want to help him out.

Michelle comes out and tells him she’s eliminating him. He asks her twice if he can make it up to her and she tells him he needs to respect her decision.

Michelle reads Ryan's notes

Michelle tells the other guys she’s looking for someone authentic. The first impression rose goes to Nate who told Michelle it was difficult to be vulnerable but that he’s pushing himself.

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Brandon K, Bryan, Edward, Garrett, Jack Russell and JoMarri go home.

Are you watching this season?

Comments are Closed

  1. Susanna says:

    “Snoops through their stuff”: has Survivor flashbacks to Wednesday, and ponders why do people, on season 41, still keep “hidden” advantages hidden in their bags?

  2. cat_blue says:

    “Pudding gives him a paws down. She’s disappointed because I had to explain to her that the men just go home when they’re kicked off, and they aren’t actually fed to the Rose God. She said that really dials back the drama.”

    I agree, Pudding.

    Ok but who keeps a checklist labeled My SuPer SekЯet STratergy (DONOT ЯEAD) in their dufflebag when they know it’s going to be discovered. I have a feeling the producers were involved in this…intrigue, in the hopes it’d be some kind of “but IS he here for the right reasons, which are somehow not just ‘being on a reality show’?” subplot.

    As per usual, you couldn’t pay me to watch this unfiltered but I’m eagerly awaiting the reviews. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what shade of red the flags will be this time!

  3. Anony Miss says:

    I’m kinda impressed someone made a stab at self-improvement rather than just assuming he’s God’s Gift.

    But oh well, he’s gone, never mind.

    Elyse, I raise my glass at you!

  4. FashionablyEvil says:

    Wait, there was actually a contestant named Jack Russell?? I am suddenly envisioning an alternate version of the Bachelorette featuring Wishbone, which, frankly, sounds amazing.

  5. Escapeologist says:

    Michelle looks like a mermaid goddess in that dress. Absolutely stunning.

    Try harder, dudes, so far I’m as unimpressed as Pudding. (Hi Pudding!)

  6. BC says:

    “Pudding gives him a paws down. She’s disappointed because I had to explain to her that the men just go home when they’re kicked off, and they aren’t actually fed to the Rose God.”

    I refuse to believe the Rose God’s appetites have waned, despite his high priest losing access.

  7. HeatherS says:

    Pudding is the real MVP. Michelle should ditch the whole reality dating idea and just get a cat. They’re way more fun to hang out with and way less work.

  8. LJO says:

    I am with Pudding on many things, including not enjoying the tap water.

    Thank you for letting us filter these train wrecks through yours and Pudding’s eyes. It’s always far more fun.

  9. EC Spurlock says:

    Kaitlyn and Taneisha sound like they are being invasively good wingladies instead of just standing back and watching the shit fly. Good for them! And I too would reject out of hand guys named Jack Russell and JoMari, purely on principle.

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