Cover Snark: Scream Inside Your Heart

It’s another Monday and that means it’s time for another Cover Snark!

Inheritance by Skye-Anne Chariss. A cowboy with his shirt unbuttoned stands in front of a cornfield. The way his shirt hangs, it looks like he only has one nipple.

From Carole: One Nipple headed west, one missing in the east. That is the one of the worst photo-shopped backgrounds – it looks like giant mutant carnation stalks starting to envelop him from the right – and ohh what can the SBTB do with that series title Farm Pleasures?? The mind boggles…

Tara: If I never read the phrase “Farm Pleasures” again, it will be too soon.

Also, maybe he’s a side character from The Chrysalids, if I recall my tenth grade reading correctly (let’s be honest, I probably don’t).

Elyse: It looks like he has a growth under his pec. You’re gonna want to get that checked out.

Sarah: Wouldn’t there be a LOT of cuts and scrapes from walking through the photoshopped corn with your shirt open?

Shana: Maybe he’s into the painful feeling of corn stalks poking into his chest tumor?

Hero Wanted by Betina Krahn. A couple that has clearly washed ashore is about to get busy while a ship is sinking behind them.

From Dawn: I love your Cover Snark posts and think I found a cover for you to consider. I am still trying to figure out how they are still on top of the water or if they are in a gel bed.

Elyse: You know they’ve both got sand in their nooks and crannies

Sarah: That looks rather dangerous.

I wonder if they’re related to these folks?

For the Love of a Pirate by Edith Layton. A couple is about to get busy on some jagged rocks in front of breaking waves.

Amanda: Imagine if that’s what your family was known for. Getting busy in dangerous seaside settings.

Claudia: “Yes, the ship is gone, but let’s get down to business.”

Shana: Some people look sexy with wet hair. This dude, not so much.

Christmas Miracles in Holly Wreath by Rachel Eliker. A come-to-life Ken doll stands in front of a Christmas tree. His stare is blank and concerning.

From Jewel: I thought you’d appreciate this one. The guy looks like he’s screaming internally.

I am now imagining this person’s internal monologue.

Tara: “How is it possible that I, a billionaire, still can’t get out of this Christmas celebration? I just want to sit quietly at home, but Mother insists. I don’t care that she told me to smile more naturally. Constipated smile is the best she’s getting.”

Elyse: This is what happens when The Hallmark Channel becomes sentient and creates its own actor.

Sarah: “EeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEeeeeeee.”

Sneezy: Oh my god, ELYSE THAT IS A TERRIFYING THOUGHT!!!!!!

Amanda: Yes, Elyse! It’s like if you put all the Hallmark heroes into a neural net.

Claudia: Title should be “Christmas Miracles in Uncanny Valley.”

A Summer Wedding at the Cornish Confetti Agency by Daisy James. An illustrated cover with a leggy but also very tiny blonde stands on a beach. A display of flowers is next to her for scale and they're about the same height.

From anonymous: Her legs. I can’t stop looking at her legs.

Sarah: Nope, me neither

Amanda: Sarah

It’s Betty Spaghetti

Sarah: OMG IT IS. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT BETTY

Tara: Or her father was a stickbug.

Add Your Comment →

  1. 1
    BGinBmore says:

    The perfect placement of the tittle in Inheritance! And now that I think about it, tittle is a funny word, especially in this context.

  2. 2
    TinaNoir says:

    Inheritance: A farmer out in a field of High grasses with an open shirt and half a nipple. All I can think of are Deer Ticks and Lyme Disease. I hope he is at least wearing a good insect repellent with DEET.

    Hero Wanted; See. This is what it could have been like if only Rose had moved over given Jack some room on that door. Sure it was freezing cold in the Atlantic as they had just hit an iceberg, but romance does not shy away from sex during dangerous, life-threatening, and unsexy situations.

  3. 3
    HeatherT says:

    That “Hero Wanted” title is ironic since there is a shipwreck that the hero is completely ignoring in favor of getting him some lurrrving.

  4. 4
    Escapeologist says:

    Inheritance – the mutant plant stalks starting to envelop him reminded me of Day of The Triffids, and that was before I saw the Chrysalids mentioned (same author). Definitely a sci fi horror vibe…

  5. 5
    Saragale says:

    Oh – did I need these on this Monday morning!!

  6. 6
    DiscoDollyDeb says:

    At the risk of dental shaming, ya think they would have photoshopped the Christmas Miracle guy’s rather uneven teeth.

    FOR LOVE OF A PIRATE: Girl, I hope you brought more than that flimsy gown to lay on—those rocks look pretty uncomfortable. And, by the way, what happened to your other leg?

  7. 7
    Mrs Obed Marsh says:

    Does “Farm Pleasures” have anything to do with Spinal Tap’s hit song “Sex Farm?”

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=W-GAMvyRovU

  8. 8
    Qualisign says:

    @HeatherT: My first thought was that they both definitely needed a hero and that perhaps they were hoping for a hero-infused ménage à trois if saving the ship were a lost cause — and it certainly looks to be that.

    @Sarah: The woman on the Krahn cover looks like she just gave CPR to the guy on the ground, whereas the Layton cover looks like the woman is passively enjoying her first vampire bite. At least a little has changed over time. Not a lot. But some.

  9. 9
    Merle says:

    Inheritance: that might be wheat. My skin is very allergic to grasses, so looking at that just makes me itchy, not much of a selling point.

    Hero Wanted: somehow their shininess is more glazed doughnut than wet skin.

    Summer Wedding: The legs are terrifying, but she also appears to have hooves rather than feet.

  10. 10
    Kit says:

    The Christmas miracles cover brings me back to my old drama group where we suggested a play that was set in the future featuring robotic actors in a soap opera. Unfortunately we acted it out and because that scene had one f word in it got thrown out. Apparently it would’ve been too much for our (mostly) elderly audiences!

  11. 11
    MirandaB says:

    I’ve smiled like the Christmas Miracles dude at various work and family events.

  12. 12
    Hannah Bloom says:

    “Cornish Confetti Agency” broke my brain. It seems like something from a random band name generator.

    Then I put a number of words from that cover into a random band name generator. I got “Undercover Agency and the Cornish Confetti”

  13. 13
    Argie says:

    @Merle. Its totally wheat, or wheat related grain, and unless Dude Farmer is very short, wheat isn’t that tall. It maybe comes up to your knees.

  14. 14
    Louise says:

    Inheritance: If that’s the first Farm Pleasure, what’s the rest of the series? Mortgage; Right to Repair; Price War with Agribusiness; Foreclosure?

    Hero Wanted: Let’s call it Font Agreement Wanted. I count four; someone more knowledgeable will have to confirm that the top line (ALL CAPS) is the same as the bottom line (Title case!). And how old is this book? I’m getting powerful mid-70s vibes. Oh, and in the ever-popular category of “I was so distracted by X in the foreground, I almost didn’t notice the Y in the background”: FFS, Young Lovers. There’s a shipwreck in the background. Is this really the time to be making out? otoh, the artist does get props for making them look a little bit as if they’ve been through a storm.

    For the Love of a Pirate: wtf? Is that setting even physically possible? Why aren’t they tumbling to the bottom of what could be a pretty lofty slope? And how did she climb up there in bare feet?

    Miracles in Holly Wreath: (Or is “Christmas” part of the title? Christmas Miracles et cetera? Do we really need the † to rub it in? We’d have hit the four-font threshold either way.) Please tell me this is an inspy. I can’t imagine anyone in real life looking so wholesome and vacant-eyed. Not even if–or especially not if–he happens to be a billionaire.

    Wait, wait, there’s five this week? Wheee!

    Summer Wedding: Actually this is kinda cute. But, er, I don’t believe the Cornish seaside looks like that, even in summer. I was hoping to find a Cornwall, Jamaica, or perhaps a Cornish, Bahamas, but Google Maps let me down.

    Disclaimer: I wrote this offline. Let’s see how many bitches beat me to each point, title by title.

  15. 15
    EC Spurlock says:

    Mr Inheritance looks like he just stepped in a cow pat. And the Hero and his lady look less like they’ve been swimming and more like someone dumped bacon grease all over them. Was that shipwreck maybe a three-masted oil tanker? And what the heck is a confetti agency? Someone who hires people to throw confetti at you? A secret society of confetti-throwers? Inquiring minds want to know.

  16. 16
    ames says:

    thats pre-Green Revolution wheat (pre-mid20th century). It was taller back then. kind of funny tho, the cover doesn’t *look* like an historical novel.

  17. 17
    denise says:

    While it’s definitely not corn, I think it looks more like alfalfa hay than wheat as someone suggested. But, since I can’t ask my dad about the hay in the field without showing him the cover, we’ll never know for sure. lol

  18. 18
    Kris says:

    For the Love of a Pirate….stop feeling each other up and run because there’s a freaking tsunami coming at you.

  19. 19
    Kit says:

    Having lived in Cornwall for two years, I can tell you they’re much windier than the last cover dipicts. Also cliffs and rocks, leg slashing jagged ones at that.

    Lots of surfers though.

  20. 20
    Jaws says:

    Do the farm pleasures include a course of ivermectin… for its intended uses?

    “Seaside” conversation: Which turns you on more for the green screen behind us — apprentice-work seascapes or apprentice-work countrysides?

    And here’s the fake doctor who “prescribed” the ivermectin for the farm pleasures. He actually meant it for himself for the intestinal parasites (thus his smile).

  21. 21
    Merle says:

    @Argie– perhaps Inheritance features a hero approximately 3 feet tall? I am by no means mocking this idea– you shouldn’t have to be standard issue to be a romance hero.

  22. 22
    E. Baker says:

    Not gonna lie, when ya’ll started with “One Nipple headed west, one missing in the east.” I thought we were heading right into a pec-based physics problem. The harmonic oscillations alone…

  23. 23
    kat_blue says:

    …Is it just me, or does the face on the “Chris†mas Miracles in Holly Wreath” cover look like someone photoshopped two halves of a face together like they couldn’t find one uncomfortable slightly unsettling smile at the right angle
    I know no real person has a perfectly symmetrical face, but it’s just subtly…uneven

  24. 24
    Mag says:

    That pirate is kneeling on bare rock and supporting another person’s weight. He may never walk without a limp again. My knees hurt just looking at him. Ouch. Big ouch.

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