Last week Peter selected his final three: Victoria F, Hannah Ann and Madison. As they exited the weird fucking airplane hangar they were filming in, Madison asked to speak to Peter, presumably to tell him she’s saving herself for marriage.
Remember, this is Fantasy Suite week where–I shit you not–Chris Harrison gives them a handwritten card at the end of their dates inviting them to share a hotel room for the night.
We open up right where we left off. Peter escorts Madison over to a bench where they sit down. “I want to be honest about who I am and how I feel. And if like next week if you were to sleep with anyone else, it would be really hard for me to um… to really move forward in this. And I just feel like I owe it to you to be upfront and honest about that,” she says.
Peter asks, “So what are you like saying? Like, if I were to…to spend the night with someone else, that’s not something you can do?”
“That would be really hard for me if that was the case. I just…”
“So that’s a no?” asks Peter who is clearly looking forward to sex.
I would like to point out that whenever we have scenes that involve me having to transcribe these people with their mumbling and quiet voices, my husband decides it’s time to snack on the crunchiest food in the house.
“I don’t wanna like tell you…” Madison mumbles.
“I mean I kinda need to know. That’s…” Peter says. “I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me right now.” Then he says he doesn’t think it’s fair to the other relationships.
So then Madison says that in no way does she want to give him an ultimatum, then proceeds to give him the ultimatum that if he sleeps with Hannah Ann or Victoria F she’d be out.
Hasn’t Madison seen this show? Didn’t she see Luke P’s nonsense on The Bachelorette? Her not wanting to have sex is fine, but she had to know going on the show that the contestants and the Bachelor have sex sometimes.
We get a commercial and then when we come back everyone is in the Gold Coast of Australia.
At this point in the show the women usually get their own hotel rooms, but because the producers are evil, Hannah Ann, Victoria F and Madison all have to share a suite.
Peter shows up and tells them the first date is going to Hannah Ann. They go jet skiing and at one point Hannah Ann joins Peter on his jet ski and they leave the other one floating in the ocean, and I guess they aren’t getting that deposit back.
“She’s making my heart want to come out of my chest,” Peter says.
I’m not a medical professional, but I think most doctors recommend your heart not being outside your body.
Then we get a commercial where Chris Harrison asks if you know of anyone looking for love in their golden years because apparently they are going to do a senior Bachelor and FUCK MY ACTUAL LIFE.
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS.
I HATE YOU CHRIS HARRISON.
So they have dinner and then they open the weird card Chris wrote probably in the blood of a former contestant inviting them to bang in the Fantasy Suite. Peter asks Hannah Ann to read it.
“Aw, Chris!” Hannah Ann like this is somehow adorable. The key is an old fashioned skeleton key which will not open any modern hotel room door with electronic security but I bet Peter tried anyway.
They go up to a penthouse suite and make out on the bed, and then the show tries to recreate the “hand on the steamy window” scene from Titanic but with a frosted shower door (I think?) and it’s cringey.
Back in their room, Victoria F tells Madison it’s weird to think that Hannah Ann and Peter are probably staying the night together.
The next morning Hannah Ann comes back and everything is super awkward. Then Victoria F gets up to go on her date with Peter where, I assume, they will spend most of the time fighting.
They start off with a scenic helicopter ride to a waterfall.
Later Peter tells Victoria F that he feels bad that he didn’t meet her family during Hometowns (because they were fighting).
“I feel like we can talk about anything,” Victoria F says. “I’m just really bad at conveying what I want to say.”
Back at their suite, Madison tells Hannah Ann that she told Peter that him sleeping with anyone else wasn’t cool with her, and this is Hannah Ann’s actual reaction:
“We knew what we signed up for,” Hannah Ann says.
So then we get to Victoria F and Peter’s dinner where, guess what? THEY ARE FIGHTING. They start talking about communication and Victoria F talks about a bad past relationship and when Peter pushes her on it she gets defensive.
“I don’t know what you want,” she says.
Peter tells her he wants her to feel deserving of love. Then he hands her the invite from Chris Harrison and asks her to read it.
They go to a cabin and the camera pans away as they make out. The next morning we see them cuddling in bed.
Peter tells the camera that he’s in love with three women and “I’m torn three ways right now.”
Fun fact: three is the highest number Peter can count to.
Then it’s time for Madison’s date. They climb a skyscraper. I don’t know why that’s supposed to be fun, but okay. Peter climbs behind Madison, face kinda by her butt, and I’m going to be honest, I would have anxiety farts the entire time. Here’s hoping Madison is made of sterner stuff.
I know they’re secured with harnesses, but every time they let go of the rail to kiss I got woozy. THREE POINTS OF CONTACT YOU GUYS.
Back at the hotel, Victoria and Hannah Ann talk shit about Madison. Hannah Ann tells Victoria that Madison expects Peter not to sleep with them. She also reveals that Madison didn’t actually tell Peter she’s saving herself for marriage. They agree that Madison’s ultimatum isn’t fair to Peter or them.
So then we get to the dinner portion of Madison and Peter’s date. There’s something up with the sound so we hear a lot of wind and it sounds like they’re eating dinner in a haunted house or something.
Peter tells her he wants to be honest with her. He says he feels torn because he’s in two other relationships.
Madison tells him that she’s saving herself for marriage. She tells him that she wouldn’t be able to say yes to an engagement if he’s slept with Hannah Ann or Victoria. She clarifies that she doesn’t expect him to be a virgin, but at this point in their relationship she feels like he needs to show respect for them by not sleeping with the other contestants.
Peter asks her if she’d, “give up a forever, together, because of something that happened this week in another relationship of mine?”
“I just can’t wrap my mind around…if in a week from now you were down on one knee and six days before that you slept with someone else,” she says.
“I’m not comfortable at all right now,” Peter whines.
“I don’t want to feel like a bad person for the standards I have,” Madison says.
No one thinks you’re a bad person Madison. I just want to know why you went on the friggin’ show.
Peter says, without giving details, he’s been intimate with someone on the show.
Madison gets up and starts crying. She tells the camera she feels hurt and let down, and that she’s frustrated and mad at Peter.
Peter tells her he’s sorry and there’s a lot of crying directly into his mic.
He asks her not to walk away. She walks away.
And that’s where we end. Are you still watching?