Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S24 E9: The Ultimatum

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and Coke Last week Peter selected his final three: Victoria F, Hannah Ann and Madison. As they exited the weird fucking airplane hangar they were filming in, Madison asked to speak to Peter, presumably to tell him she’s saving herself for marriage.

Remember, this is Fantasy Suite week where–I shit you not–Chris Harrison gives them a handwritten card at the end of their dates inviting them to share a hotel room for the night.

We open up right where we left off. Peter escorts Madison over to a bench where they sit down. “I want to be honest about who I am and how I feel. And if like next week if you were to sleep with anyone else, it would be really hard for me to um… to really move forward in this. And I just feel like I owe it to you to be upfront and honest about that,” she says.

Peter asks, “So what are you like saying? Like, if I were to…to spend the night with someone else, that’s not something you can do?”

“That would be really hard for me if that was the case. I just…”

“So that’s a no?” asks Peter who is clearly looking forward to sex.

I would like to point out that whenever we have scenes that involve me having to transcribe these people with their mumbling and quiet voices, my husband decides it’s time to snack on the crunchiest food in the house.

“I don’t wanna like tell you…” Madison mumbles.

“I mean I kinda need to know. That’s…” Peter says. “I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me right now.” Then he says he doesn’t think it’s fair to the other relationships.

Click for Peter's dumb face

Peter tells Madison he doesn't know what she's telling him

So then Madison says that in no way does she want to give him an ultimatum, then proceeds to give him the ultimatum that if he sleeps with Hannah Ann or Victoria F she’d be out.

Hasn’t Madison seen this show? Didn’t she see Luke P’s nonsense on The Bachelorette? Her not wanting to have sex is fine, but she had to know going on the show that the contestants and the Bachelor have sex sometimes.

We get a commercial and then when we come back everyone is in the Gold Coast of Australia.

At this point in the show the women usually get their own hotel rooms, but because the producers are evil, Hannah Ann, Victoria F and Madison all have to share a suite.

The women sit awkwardly while Peter lurks in the background

Peter shows up and tells them the first date is going to Hannah Ann. They go jet skiing and at one point Hannah Ann joins Peter on his jet ski and they leave the other one floating in the ocean, and I guess they aren’t getting that deposit back.

“She’s making my heart want to come out of my chest,” Peter says.

I’m not a medical professional, but I think most doctors recommend your heart not being outside your body.

Then we get a commercial where Chris Harrison asks if you know of anyone looking for love in their golden years because apparently they are going to do a senior Bachelor and FUCK MY ACTUAL LIFE.

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS.

I HATE YOU CHRIS HARRISON.

Click for me

A little girl throws a tantrum

So they have dinner and then they open the weird card Chris wrote probably in the blood of a former contestant inviting them to bang in the Fantasy Suite. Peter asks Hannah Ann to read it.

“Aw, Chris!” Hannah Ann like this is somehow adorable. The key is an old fashioned skeleton key which will not open any modern hotel room door with electronic security but I bet Peter tried anyway.

They go up to a penthouse suite and make out on the bed, and then the show tries to recreate the “hand on the steamy window” scene from Titanic but with a frosted shower door (I think?) and it’s cringey.

Hannah Ann and Peter are doing...something behind a door

Back in their room, Victoria F tells Madison it’s weird to think that Hannah Ann and Peter are probably staying the night together.

The next morning Hannah Ann comes back and everything is super awkward. Then Victoria F gets up to go on her date with Peter where, I assume, they will spend most of the time fighting.

They start off with a scenic helicopter ride to a waterfall.

Peter and Victoria ride in a helicopter

Later Peter tells Victoria F that he feels bad that he didn’t meet her family during Hometowns (because they were fighting).

“I feel like we can talk about anything,” Victoria F says. “I’m just really bad at conveying what I want to say.”

What?

a bunch of adorable puppies tilt their heads to the side while question marks pop up above them

Back at their suite, Madison tells Hannah Ann that she told Peter that him sleeping with anyone else wasn’t cool with her, and this is Hannah Ann’s actual reaction:

Hannah Ann squints at Madison

“We knew what we signed up for,” Hannah Ann says.

So then we get to Victoria F and Peter’s dinner where, guess what? THEY ARE FIGHTING. They start talking about communication and Victoria F talks about a bad past relationship and when Peter pushes her on it she gets defensive.

“I don’t know what you want,” she says.

Peter tells her he wants her to feel deserving of love. Then he hands her the invite from Chris Harrison and asks her to read it.

They go to a cabin and the camera pans away as they make out. The next morning we see them cuddling in bed.

Peter tells the camera that he’s in love with three women and “I’m torn three ways right now.”

Fun fact: three is the highest number Peter can count to.

Then it’s time for Madison’s date. They climb a skyscraper. I don’t know why that’s supposed to be fun, but okay. Peter climbs behind Madison, face kinda by her butt, and I’m going to be honest, I would have anxiety farts the entire time. Here’s hoping Madison is made of sterner stuff.

 

Peter and Madison make out on the top of a really tall building

I know they’re secured with harnesses, but every time they let go of the rail to kiss I got woozy. THREE POINTS OF CONTACT YOU GUYS.

Back at the hotel, Victoria and Hannah Ann talk shit about Madison. Hannah Ann tells Victoria that Madison expects Peter not to sleep with them. She also reveals that Madison didn’t actually tell Peter she’s saving herself for marriage. They agree that Madison’s ultimatum isn’t fair to Peter or them.

So then we get to the dinner portion of Madison and Peter’s date. There’s something up with the sound so we hear a lot of wind and it sounds like they’re eating dinner in a haunted house or something.

Peter tells her he wants to be honest with her. He says he feels torn because he’s in two other relationships.

Madison tells him that she’s saving herself for marriage. She tells him that she wouldn’t be able to say yes to an engagement if he’s slept with Hannah Ann or Victoria. She clarifies that she doesn’t expect him to be a virgin, but at this point in their relationship she feels like he needs to show respect for them by not sleeping with the other contestants.

Peter asks her if she’d, “give up a forever, together, because of something that happened this week in another relationship of mine?”

“I just can’t wrap my mind around…if in a week from now you were down on one knee and six days before that you slept with someone else,” she says.

Madison and Peter at the dinner they can't eat

“I’m not comfortable at all right now,” Peter whines.

“I don’t want to feel like a bad person for the standards I have,” Madison says.

No one thinks you’re a bad person Madison. I just want to know why you went on the friggin’ show.

Peter says, without giving details, he’s been intimate with someone on the show.

Madison gets up and starts crying. She tells the camera she feels hurt and let down, and that she’s frustrated and mad at Peter.

Peter tells her he’s sorry and there’s a lot of crying directly into his mic.

Peter hugs Madison while she cries.

 

He asks her not to walk away. She walks away.

And that’s where we end. Are you still watching?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Ren Benton says:
    1+

    I saw the glass-silhouette picture before I read the text and went for Human Centipede, not Titanic.

    https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1467304/

    You know the Rose God would be into it.

    I suspect Madison will revise her “standards” and return soon because I *do* think she’s a bad (manipulative, controlling) person and deserves to “win” this great specimen of manhood.

  2. 2
    Christine McCullough says:
    1+

    I thought Human Centipede too!

  3. 3
    shuzluva says:
    1+

    This: Her not wanting to have sex is fine, but she had to know going on the show that the contestants and the Bachelor have sex sometimes. YES. We all know this happens.

    Watching the hangar scene with my teen daughters was very enjoyable (actually, the entire thing was enjoyable watching with them; they’re very opinionated). They both agreed very loudly that Madison failed to 1. vocalize clearly that if Peter were to have sex with other ladytestants, she was out and 2. state that she was saving herself for marriage. All three of us felt that she was talking around the subject rather than directly addressing it. You must be direct with Peter, who appears to have a tiny vocabulary and the complete inability to understand subtlety.

    We all agreed that Madison’s choices are fine for herself, but if she’s pushing those expectations on everyone around her without making it clear what those expectations are, it’s totally unreasonable. And my kids are hoping he ends up alone. I think they can’t stand him.

  4. 4
    Hope says:
    1+

    I think I would actually watch a senior citizen Bachelor.

  5. 5
    Star says:
    1+

    It sort of seems like the last season of the Bachelorette was a master class in typical ways that men can be manipulative and controlling, while this season’s is a master class in typical ways women can be manipulative and controlling. I hope some social psychology class somewhere is making use of this.

  6. 6
    Patsy says:
    1+

    @Star and it does not strike me as a coincidence that the window dressing for this control and manipulation (and entitlement) is “virtue” and religion.

  7. 7
    Nicole says:
    1+

    So he’ll end up with Hannah Ann, then? I think that’s his best choice, based on this episode. But none of these relationships seem really great.

  8. 8
    Star says:
    1+

    @Patsy I agree that there are very strong parallels between Luke P and Madison, but Victoria F has shown herself to be at least as manipulative as either of them, and virtue/religion doesn’t seem to be her angle.

  9. 9
    Kit says:
    1+

    It’s fine if you want to save yourself for marriage but what isn’t is imposing your beliefs on other people. This is why I had problems with the evangelical Christian faith. I could launch into the whole issue I have with the words virginity and purity but I’m tired and there isn’t enough gin.

  10. 10
    Lisa F says:
    1+

    My guess from the previews is that Peter prepares to propose to one of the other girls (probably Victoria F?) Chris comes in with the shocking news and then he realizes he should’ve been with Madison all along.

    But they ain’t staying together, because no way will Pete’s ass ever become the wholesome Christian faith leader she needs him to be.

  11. 11
    BellaInAus says:
    1+

    I think a senior Bachelor/ette could go one of two ways. Either the contestants do their own thing and call out The Bachelor franchise’s shit, or it turns out that there are senior people that ridiculous and Elyse finally cracks.

  12. 12
    Elevensies says:
    1+

    There’s nothing wrong with someone wanting to wait til marriage (*I* am personally in that same boat), but why then put yourself in a situation where you’re going to meet people whose standards are *definitely* going to be in conflict?

    Oh, right. Reality TV. Maybe she can be the next Bachelorette and they can make a huge deal about her being a virgin like they did for that one Bachelor.

    Blaaaaaaugh.

    On an intellectual analysis level, though, it’d be interesting to compare how this scene plays out versus how the Luke P scene played out.

    In any case: Thank you, Elyse for your brilliant commentary!

  13. 13
    MsCellanie says:
    1+

    I feel like there’s a very thin line between “If you sleep with other people, you’re a bad, unclean person.” And “I don’t want to get engaged to someone who was sleeping with a different person less than 24 hours ago.” It’s a thin line and it might not withstand scrutiny, but… to me, one means the speaker is controlling while the other means the speaker is an idiot for going on the show.

  14. 14
    StarlightArcher says:
    1+

    I am casting my ballot for the remaining ladies using that skeleton key to open the ouchie on this ding-dong’s forehead and then make a break while everyone is distracted. You know Chris Harrison and the Rose God can never resist the scent of fresh blood.

    In the mean time, they can pick up Kelly and all four of them travel and nap and be chill, and just be glad they dodged the man-sized face-palm that is this season’s Bachelor.

  15. 15
    EC Spurlock says:
    1+

    I’d be up for being a Senior Bachelorette. I bet I could clear the field in the first half hour and they’d have to keep bringing in new guys every week.

  16. 16
    Regalli says:
    1+

    I mean, yes, I too would be uncomfortable getting engaged to someone who I spent a cumulative three days or so of actual time with, who was dating (and possibly having sex with) other people as recently as last week. I think many of us would be.

    That’s why NONE OF US SIGN ON FOR THIS SHOW IN WHICH IT WAS BAKED INTO THE PREMISE.

    I don’t know what the timeline is for application and acceptance relative to filming and air dates, but was she actually signing on hoping Toxic Luke would be the next Bachelor? Or Colton? Or did she somehow sign on for a show without knowing even the vaguest details of what it was about?

    Why are people.

  17. 17
    Cristie says:
    1+

    I scream laughed at anxiety farts so thanks for that Elyse.

  18. 18
    Kris Bock says:
    1+

    I haven’t seen it, but AARP has a YouTube show called Date my Grandma. “Grandchildren interview three potential suitors, then pick a lucky winner and help plan the date. The grandparents go along, in part, to help their grandkids gain some insight into looking for love. The project addresses the AARP goal of helping those struggling with social isolation.” That actually sounds rather sweet. But let the Bachelor franchise get ahold of it, and I fear for Elyse’s liver.

  19. 19
    Trix says:
    1+

    It’s so weird/sad that 99.9999% of pop culture’s reaction to a senior Bachelor has been hackneyed ageist jokes. That said, I see no way this franchise can empower anybody now, though I do fantasize about senior sexpert Joan Price storming the set…

  20. 20
    Antipodean Shenanigans says:
    1+

    I will watch the shit out of Senior Bachelor!

  21. 21
    Regalli says:
    1+

    The Date My Grandma show sounds like it could be awesome and sweet! (In no small part because it sounds like the social relationship with the grandkids is also a key part of the show, so it’s not ‘let’s isolate you for several weeks with one person you’re pursuing with the explicit endgoal of engagement and a bunch of people you are being told to consider competition’)

  22. 22
    Louise says:
    1+

    @ Ren Benton:
    I suspect Madison will revise her “standards” and return soon because I *do* think she’s a bad (manipulative, controlling) person
    Gosh, Ren, haven’t you ever read an inspy? Goodness:Badness are defined by one’s sexual experience. There are no other criteria. Therefore, Madison is Good and all other contestants are Bad.

    And now the good news … Nobody has to wait for a Senior Bachelor(ette), adorable though it sounds. Just dash to the library and check out the first season of Last Tango in Halifax.

  23. 23
    Ulrike says:
    1+

    Senior Bachelor(ette)… is that just a bunch of 40 year olds?

  24. 24
    Nancy Levine says:
    1+

    I would watch a senior “Bachelor/Bachelorette.” I’d love to be on it, but I’d be out the first week since I’m not beautiful and I don’t like confrontation and drama. It would be fun to watch.
    As for Madison, I agree that she watched the show and knew Peter was going to date other women and probably have sex with them in the fantasy suite. If she wanted to save herself for marriage, that’s fine, but she should have told Peter sooner. I’m still watching. I have y to see what happens and I have to see how the senior version works out.

  25. 25
    chacha1 says:
    1+

    @ EC Spurlock “I’d be up for being a Senior Bachelorette. I bet I could clear the field in the first half hour and they’d have to keep bringing in new guys every week.”

    LMAO

  26. 26
    Gail says:
    1+

    At this point I don’t give a f**k who Peter Piper ends up with, they’re all a little weird (ok, maybe more than a little). As for the senior citizen version… can’t wait to see the Batchelor after 3 consecutive nights in the “sexy times” suite. Hope they don’t kill him! Would that be an acceptable offering to the Rose God, Chris?

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