Happy Cover Snark Day, everyone!
From Chris: The chest hair on this cover seems so…realistic?
Close up:
Elyse: He’s gonna get rope burn.
Sarah: I have this impulse to bring the photo to my aesthetician and ask, “Is that too short to wax? It is, right?”
I estimate that’s about 6 days of hair growth, maybe a bit more, and he’s probably ITCHY. Hence the rope.
Elyse: It looks like he shaved and now it’s in the itchy stage of growing back.
Sarah: Exactly. Only thing that’ll soothe the irritation: rope.
Amanda: Can you imagine trying to run your hand over his chest? It’d be like caressing a cheese grater.
Elyse: I enjoy a hirsute man, but that hair needs to be soft, you know? I don’t want to cuddle and walk away with a rash on my cheek.
Amanda: I dated a guy who did a lot of track and field and he decided to shave his arms. Just brushing up against him was a painful experience.
Carrie: That’s not a hand, Title Person.
Sarah: “Hard.”
“Hand.”
Eh. Same difference.
Catherine: *sings* “Take me hard… take me whole [censored] too…”.
(‘Cos I can’t help writing bad song parodies for you. Apparently.)
Ellen: This is like he waxed because he’s a stripper but now he’s quit that job and the hair has just started growing back.
Tara: Is that why he put his gloves on and didn’t consider a shirt?
AJ: First of all, I definitely also read “Take Me Hand.” In a pirate voice.
Secondly, maybe the whole “gloves on, shirt off” approach to construction work explains what happened to his chest hair? Belt sanders throw a lot of sparks.
Sneezy: I guess it only makes sense that there’d be a hedgehog shifter eventually. The spikes are all in the wrong place, but hey.
From Jiobal: I guess there is supposed to be a centaur somewhere but all I see are mutilated torsi. Which explains the title, sort of?
Amanda: nope
no
no thanks
The dude has no neck and the horse has too much torso.
Sarah: I keep seeing faces in that torso. Like a Ditto pokemon in mid-shift.
Elyse: Remember Animorphs? This is his cousin.
Carrie: Hey man. Animorphs has WAY better special effects than the melting horse.
Granted, melting horse sets a super low bar…
Ellen: This cover is causing me to ask questions about skin tone and horsehair color on centaurs that I have never before considered and I wish I could go back to the time before I was asking them.
Tara: My brain is revolting against this. Like, is the torso too long? Is that supposed to be a dude centaur? The abs are coming out of where I imagine a neck should be. I just want to rebuke it in the name of good centaurs everywhere.
Shana: I spent several seconds just trying to figure out if the belly button was a mouth. I think Centaurs need PR help.
Catherine: …at least the colour scheme is nice?
AJ: What I want to know is, how does he get his abs to look like that? I can’t think of a single abdominal exercise that you could do if half of your body was a horse. Planks are right out.
Sneezy: Is anyone else somehow reminded of a human centipede? One that’s somehow surviving in the cold?
From Skye: Just… who would sleep with this guy?
Sarah: I eat my shirt, YOU eat your shirt! *fingerguns*
Carrie: Isn’t this the second cover with the eating of the shirt? Why? Why is this thought to be sexy? Why?
Sarah: Maybe it’s an attempt at visually representing a “Hnnnnngh” sound?
Only with that much thread count, it would be a little different.
Carrie: He looks like that Frat guy that gives Frats a bad name
Elyse: I want to punch him.
Amanda: This is a very 80s and 90s boy band stance.
Ellen: Okay I’ve DEFINITELY seen Tinder profile pics that look like this (unfortunately)
Tara: Friends don’t let friends swipe right on this dude.
Catherine: I feel like they made some poor choices with colour tone. Separately, the eyes with only the whites showing, the shirt-chewing and the pointing fingers are all mildly disturbing. Add the corpselike tinge to his skin tone and I’m thinking zombie.
AJ: Something is very disturbing about the placement of that nipple. Is it ashamed? Is the right side of his torso slowly deflating? It worries me.
Sneezy: Is anyone else disturbed by the placement of his head in relation to the rest of his body?
From Eve: WHAT IS SHE EVEN SITTING ON?
Sarah: What the hell is going on?
Amanda: Is her heel just going right into his belly button?
Sarah: Maybe that’s her leverage for reaching the sky?
Elyse: What is she balanced on?
Amanda: A stool, I think?
Carrie: Is that a shoe or are you just happy to see me?
Ellen: Is that a shoe or are you puncturing my internal organs with some other implement?
Kiki: They clearly got this shot while that woman was in the middle of trying to pull her dress down.
Catherine: Unless she’s not sitting on anything, and this is an action shot of her dropping down on him from above to skewer him with her stiletto…?
Sneezy: Facing the WRONG WAY, asshole! Get your ass in line before I extract you intestines with my shoes!
Ugh my eyes! Too many torsos…
Still better than last time’s mangey one.
Faces in chests! It’s a new Cover Snark trope!
Your tarsus bones are your ankle bones – I keep looking for 7 bones perfectly nestled together on that cover and I can’t find them.
And “Wild Thing” may be the worst photoshopping job I’ve ever seen – I can’t even say anything snarky about it, it’s so dreadful.
Also – the chest hairs on cover #1 look like they’re drawn on with eyebrow pencil!
Ya know, I thought it was only two year olds that chewed on their clothes. I don’t want a man with the emotional maturity of a toddler.
The guy on the third cover looks like the Vulture from Brooklyn 99!
Why does the first cover guy have a thin layer of latex on his left arm? It’s really not a good look.
Arizona Heat man looks like he did a face plant on an ant hill. Those little hairs look like tiny little ants to me.
The centaur needs to apply some hoof dressing on those shelly feet! Those hooves are not competition ready and any 4Her would be mortified. The color scheme begs the question, “Are there albino centaurs?”
@ Sneezy – I am also disturbed by the placement of the Rugged Mann’s head. I also recommend we all stay away from him. His pants are falling off and I think he wants us to pull his fingers. Nope, just nope.
What kind of wild thing is crawling/oozing from under her pink onesie?
The guy on the third cover looks like Dennis Duffy from 30 Rock, especially with the finger guns.
So many questions! Why is he sniffing her knee? Or did she pass wind and he’s trying to avoid it? What is that growth on his neck next to his left ear? Or is it on her left thigh? Is that why he’s looking away, because he’s embarrassed? Or is she sitting on a hoverboard? Her right armpit hair really needs to be addressed if it’s long enough to curl.
Finger guns guy is not the guy I want to be the hero in my romance novel. He just looks like one of those supper douchey losers that you have to be careful not to offend when he comes onto you in case they rage out on you. Ugh.
Looks to me like “Tarsus” is about a centaur cursed to gradually petrify. His human half has already almost completely turned to marble and he is going to Tarsus (home city of St. Paul, which may or may not be relevant to an m/m fantasy romance)to in hopes of finding the man who will save him from the curse, or at least provide plenty of sexy times before he finishes turning into a giant lawn sculpture.
Okay ‘wild thing’ girl is definitely sitting on a barstool-type device, but god only knows what ‘wild thing’ guy is sitting on. He seems to have a knee up but then where is his other leg, and the pants-unfastening indicates pants much more high-waisted than would be consistent with those tattoos, and … eh?
On the other hand, I will just go ahead and say this: the head between her legs thing (plus expression on his face) is not NOT working.
TARSUS – I think you’re being too harsh on this new couples category: Native Americans and the Albino Centaurs They Love
WILD THING – She’s balanced on nothing and so is the waistband of his pants, which extends an inch or two past his waist.
Plus, is it me, or do his hands look more like a chimp’s than a male human’s?
RUGGED MANN: In addition to the anatomical impossibility of his nipple, it looks like his bicep extends into his shoulder.