It’s Cover Snark time! The WTF-ery is high today.
Sarah: He seems surprised about something. Is it the horns?
Amanda: I feel like the horns are akin to adult acne. He grew one set, thinking it’d be done after puberty was over. BUT NOPE. IT WAS LIE.
Sarah: Just wait until you get a grey hair and a zit and a horn on the same day.
CarrieS: He looks so sad! Poor guy!
I can’t help but wonder what his hands are doing.
From NCK: Like New York’s hottest club, this cover has EVERYTHING: three kinds of font, 33.3% of Greater Value George of the Jungle era Brendan Fraser, an uneven spray tan, mismatched foundation, and a lake of fire. Zion National Park has never seen such drama.
Sarah: I think the wolf drawing on that rock is giving her a raspberry.
Elyse: You gotta be worried when your lake is on fire.
Sarah: They really do seem surprisingly unconcerned.
Amanda: I feel like this cover would give you a Cover Snark bingo.
Aggressive nips, poor clothing choices, a background trying to kill you, etc
Sarah: Indication of an animal reacting strongly to whatever the people are doing.
Cover Snark Bingo would be a good idea.
Amanda: Title word salad.
CarrieS: He seems profoundly uninterested in this.
Elyse: Didn’t the Thames catch on fire one time?
Sarah: You’d think flaming water would be a cause for some interest. Like even just swiping right.
CarrieS: I can’t find a record of this happening to the Thames although with all that methane back in the day I wouldn’t be surprised. I’d expect that there, at minimum, multiple small fires during the Great Stink but Google is failing me so I can’t confirm. The polluted Cuyahoga River has been on fire 13 times. So has the Meiyu River in China, the Rogue River in Detroit, the Buffalo River in Buffalo, and the Schuylkill in Philadelphia. My GOD I am such a nerd.
Sarah: Wait, I want more stories of rivers on fire please, says the girl from Pittsburgh.
#confluence
CarrieS: London Bridge has been on fire, which almost counts!
Sarah: There’s a whole song about it, in fact!
Is there one about Alpha Concubine fire cave is burning down? Probably not, doesn’t have the same meter.
From Ren: The lack of gun safety, the depressed stuffed animal, and the reminder that nothing is sexier than fried eggs convey a clear, cohesive marketing message.
Sarah: No. Do not want. Do not point a gun at me from a cover.
Elyse: I just feel like this is a guy who makes the news for accidentally shooting his own wiener off.
Sarah: Indubitably.
Amanda: There are so many fonts.
Elyse: Is his neck ok?
Also where is that leg coming from? None of this makes sense.
Amanda: He’s clearly doing a hip flexor exercise while trying to get down to business.
That or he’s attempting to dislodge a wedgie.
Elyse: And he has like 4 extra cervical vertebrae.
CarrieS: I love the dress color but her hand placement has me wondering if this “enthusiastic consent” or more “then again, I have been meaning to catch up on my TV shows…”
Sarah: That guy is VERY elastic looking…. Hold up. Is this a paranormal?
“I want the cover model to look really horny.”
“Not a problem.”
Cuddling up to that rock, especially with that much bare skin, looks uncomfortable.
He stopped to put on his sunglasses, but not a shirt?
Is it just me, or does the back of the sofa look painted on the wall?
Horned dude reminds me of the, ahem, action scene in “Saga” when the lady uses her hold on dude’s horns as leverage.
Otherwise, I’m super-confused how to feel about the reclaimed (?) ‘devilish’ looks of the hero.
Is the author aware of appearance diversity (cf Carly Finlay)? Because even if so, I dunno that ‘Beauty and the Beast’-ly style sexualisation is appreciation.
Is she, maybe, making some weird visual pun? (The ‘stratum corneum’, or ‘*horny* outer layer’ of skin tends to be involved in genetic variations/’disorders’ giving rise to non-standard human skin shades.)
The was a “river of fire” on the Thames to celebrate the Millennium. It was rubbish though – it was hyped as 200ft flames rising above the water and shooting along the river. Instead it was a few barges with some big flame throwers. Everyone just watched the massive firework display instead. So elicted as much interest as that oddly dressed couple on the book cover. Seriously, why is she wearing dainty sandals with furry leg warmers half way up a mountain?
The Wrong Cop
Not often that you see a cover hero with a beer belly. At least, I hope that’s a beer belly because if it’s not he’s got something very strange going on around his waist.
I know some of the Kresley Cole books with demons have their fated mates using the horns for leverage. But talking about the guy who shot himself, this guy went one “better”. Or possibly two ….
Horns of one sort or another are a fixture of “Alien Alphas”—but I don’t remember quite that many horns…or any quite that, ahem, long. It looks like they photoshopped a mountain goat onto his head.
I misread the blurb for THE WRONG COP. I thought it said “The sexual tension is NOT enough to fry an egg on the page,” which made perfect sense to me.
RE: first cover
“It’s not ok! It’s not ok!” – Gene, Bob’s Burgers
Hmmmm– I don’t recall ordering Mullet with them eggs.
Haven 1 man is having deep regrets for listening to his ex-girlfriend’s suggestion that horn implants would be “fun.” His skin tone is rather alarming, too, and I recommend some Aloe Vera in his beauty regimen.
Don’t those Moon People know you shouldn’t turn your back on a fire? Hope they know to drop and roll if the fire comes closer because their hair products may be explosive.
The Wrong Cop should have listened better in gun safety class … you don’t point a gun at someone or something unless you intend to shoot (your reader). I really am repelled by covers that give me the feeling I may get shot in the face.
The Bow Street bachelor looks like he if he wasn’t an Earl, he could be a circus performer. Even his left arm/hand looks elastic as Silly Putty! He may smell like Silly Putty judging from the look on the heroine’s face.
Thank you for indulging me. Cover Snark gave me a pleasant break from playing Buzzword Bingo today while filling out forms for my team.
I think This Earl of Mine is secretly Captain Morgan and is contractually required to keep his leg bent like that at all times. Alternative theory: it is a ménage book and something way more interesting is happening under that giant blue skirt than we suspect.
I am getting so many mixed messages with The Wrong Cop cover. Like:
It appears he was in a hurry to grab his gun because he did not have time to grab his shirt
But…
He had time to put on his sun glasses
He looks like he made it down to a dark alley in time to aim at his perp
And yet…
Why did he need to stop and put on the sunglasses if it dark outside?
And what is with the sad little toy?
Alpha’s Concubine is not actually a romance but rather a YA dystopian novel about the consequences of rampant, outta control fracking.
That stuffed animal looks like a scared hostage about to be mistreated. Dude, put the gun down and let the stuffy go. No one needs to get hurt.
The sad teddy bear looks so out of place on the cover.
Hey Cleveland shoutout! Though not for a great reason…
I kinda want to read The Alpha’s Concubine just to see if it’s as bad as it’s cover. It’s free on Kindle!
“The Wrong Cop” looks like the poster for a 1980s cop TV show. The hair’s too long, but I’m getting a Hunter vibe from it. Or, for the Brits, a Dempsey & Makepeace one.
Except for the stuffed animal. WTH?!?!
The Wrong Cop bears a striking resemblance to a 1970’s Michael Douglas.
And is that another hand coming out of the Earl’s biceps? If so whose is it and where did it come from? There are altogether too many disjointed body parts on that cover.
@Deianira: I’m not a Brit, and I loved Dempsey & Makepeace. And I think the Alpha’s Concubine cover (and title) escaped from a GOR photo-shoot. As for Haven? Just No. At least the Earl is only an earl and not a duke. Though I suppose he could be a duke’s heir.
The Alpha’s Concubine does miss the “easily misinterpreted title, due to font/kerning/design choice” square in Hypothetical Cover Snark Bingo. So I have to give it credit for that.
Most of these do fine on that square, this time. I misread titles / half-glimpsed signs / etc. VERY easily, and the only one I saw this time was “Hasn’t Ascend” on the first one.
Haven’t Ascend, rather. Which is grammatically nonsensical, but… that happens, too.
I’m sorry, but after seeing ‘Good Omens’ I will not settle for any demon who doesn’t look like David Tennant.
@MissLouisa: “Dude, put the gun down and let the stuffy go. No one needs to get hurt.”
Very OT: One day at the pool, this little guy was pitching a fit way bigger than he was. His words were completely unintelligible, but his astute mom asked, “Are you worried about your stuffies?” He had been sharing his stuffed animals with some other kids, but had offered to leave the stuffies for them when his family went to lunch. Apparently anxiety got the better of him and he was completely distraught. So was I, for that matter, listening to him. “Not the s-t-u-f-f-i-e-s,” has become my anguished battle cry. Thank god Toy Story wasn’t a thing when I was a kid. The pain is real.
Detroit has a “Rouge” river, but I’ve never heard of a “Rogue” river.
Raise your hand if you misread Title #3 as “The Wrong Cup” and thought: Isn’t he overreacting just a little bit? And what skin is it off his nose anyway?
Seems the chick on the cover of “The Alpha’s Concubine” is pissed she’s wearing Raquel Welch’s cast-offs from “One Million Years B.C.”
+1 for “Haven’t Ascend.”
A stuffed animal on a cover is code for plot moppet.
The gun cover gives me flashbacks to the time I was looking at my Tinder likes and a guy was literally pointing a gun at the reader in his profile photo.
Is it just me or does the concubine look like Cordelia from Buffy?
Is there a 5th horn growing out of the alien’s chin in Haven 1? If not what is that?
Also something about the TH in The Wrong Cop is driving me crazy.
@scifigirl1986:
Dunno* but I feel like someone should make the obvious crack: ‘No way, Cordelia from Buffy had way more charisma !
[*The scheduling was legendarily awful in Australia; too great a strain on my energy and finances.]
Is it me, or is the earl trying to identify an unpleasant smell on the heroine’s neck?
Also, “Brophy” sounds so much like a combination of “Bro” and “Trophy” that I don’t believe it’s a real name.
This one was hilarious, by the way!