Cover Snark: Smarties in Her Candy Bag

Gather round for some Cover Snark!

King's Rule by Jackie Ashenden. A headless, buff dude has half of a dress shirt and blazer on.

Elyse: Jason. Buddy. You gotta put your arm through the other side now. C’mon man

Amanda: I wonder if he’s like a toddler and whenever his valet comes into dress him, he goes all boneless and throws a tantrum.

Sarah: Wouldn’t it be uncomfortable if you put on one shirt sleeve and then one sleeve of the jacket? Like, I confess to having a bit of a Thing about sleeves bunched up beneath other sleeves on my arms, but this seems inefficient and uncomfortable as a method.

Black Mountain Bears Stonetree Trilogy: Clawed, Bitten and Nailed by Ophelia Bell. A headless man is standing in some thick snow and woods. There's a red bow where his head should be.

From Pam G: Did this guy’s head get Clawed, Bitten, or Nailed, and who thought a big red bow would make that ok?

Amanda: I wonder if there’s nothing up top, like he’s just a Barbie without a head up there. Nothing but that nub.

Sarah: I vote for bitten. Bitten clean off. The bow is hiding (or absorbing) the bloodstains.

Cramming Her Candy Bag by Farrah Paige. A woman in a very cheap angel costume is holding the tiniest plastic pumpkin candy pail. Four shirtless men, riddled with abs, are standing behind her.

Amanda: I know this is supposed to be a euphemism, but I’d love a full bucket of halloween candy.

Also…that “candy bag” she’s holding is already pretty small.

Sarah: Not nearly large enough for substantial cramming.

Elyse: Am I the only one who didn’t see “Cramming” at first?

Amanda: And what are they cramming it with? Are we talking king size Snickers? A tootsie roll? Twizzlers?

Elyse: If it’s Smarties I’m gonna be disappointed.

Amanda: Hey now! I love Smarties.

Sarah: I’m with Elyse. Smarties are always left over after the good stuff is gone. Will send you all of ours.

Amanda: Please and thank you. The white Smarties are the best tasting and I save them for last.

Sarah: I think Smarties might also work as a euphemism.

Tragic by J.A. Huss. A man in a tight-fitting, long sleeved white shirt is lifting up one side and cupping his bare pec.

From Darlynne: What is he looking at?? He’s checking for something, but I don’t have a good feeling about what might be missing or hiding out.

Sarah: I have no idea what he’s looking at, and indeed, it is alarming to not know!

Armpit? Crotch? Did he lose his sandwich in one of his abdominal ridges?

Nah, can’t be the last one. To have ridges like that means avoiding sandwiches, I think.

Amanda: I know these covers are here for snarkage, but a lot of them serve as a great reminder to schedule a breast exam.

Elyse: Ah, the deep in thought while staring at my own abs pose.

Comments are Closed

  1. Mintaka14 says:

    My first thought about the last one was “What’s a huss, and why is it tragic?” and then I realised that was the author. It’s late. I’m tired. And I think he’s examining that odd bump on his hip; it may need medical attention.

  2. Kit says:

    Tragic: he’s taken the phrase “once on the lips a lifetime on the hips” a bit too literally after a serious m&m binge!

  3. Lostshadows says:

    My theory on how the first cover happened:
    “Okay, we need to take the cover shot now.”
    *Model starts putting on shirt and jacket hastily* “Right, just sec.”
    “NOW!”
    “Okay”

    I think the last cover is just taking “navel gazing” literally .

  4. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    It’s TRAGIC that, as hard as he tries and as many times as he watches the “Hips Don’t Lie” video, he just can’t get Shakira’s moves down.

  5. Sukari says:

    I can see the tagline now.
    TRAGIC: All the exercise in the world can’t bring back his missing nipple…

  6. Elli says:

    Preggers, he is.

  7. MelMc says:

    I think Mr. Tragic is showing the doctor that tumor on his side. It’s either a tumor or a severe injury because his hip bone shouldn’t be higher than his navel, even twisted like he is.

  8. Zyva says:

    SO disappointed the title isn’t “Tragic Huss”.
    Thought J A Huss had masculinised the rather misogynistic term ‘hussy’ and my do I have a guilty weakness for slut-shaming men for a change.

  9. Zyva says:

    #1. Just a slight rescore of:

    “” Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
    Went to bed with his trousers on;
    One shoe off, and the other shoe on,
    Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John””

  10. Marika says:

    We need to talk about the real tragedy: the crime committed against typography on that last cover! Someone needs to speak to HjaUSS about this

  11. DonnaMarie says:

    Aside from too many people giving that girl candy, WTF is a Reverse Harlem?

  12. Grace says:

    @DonnaMarie: I didn’t even notice that at first! I think it actually says reverse harem.

    As for the second one, maybe it’s like that creepy story about the girl with the green ribbon around her neck that turns out to be holding her head on (I can’t remember the title, but I remember reading it at school around Halloween more than once when I was little). His head was bitten off, and now he needs to wear the red bow at all times to keep it on.

  13. Lostshadows says:

    @DonnaMarie: Harem

  14. Sarah Peach says:

    DonnaMarie, I think it’s reverse Harem.

  15. Sarah Peach says:

    Grace, that story was called “The Green Ribbon” and it was in a book called In A Dark, Dark Room and Other Scary Stories, retold by Alvin Schwartz. I was obsessed with that story when I was a kid and my older brother recently tracked down a used copy of the book for me. 🙂

  16. Kaye Dacus says:

    It’s Tragic because the book has more than 350-five single-star reviews on Amazon!

  17. harthad says:

    Tragic dude is apparently wondering where his right pectoral wandered off to. “I swear it was there this morning…”

  18. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    Reverse Harem: When a woman has five men at her disposal and she still can’t get anyone to unload the dishwasher.

  19. LauraL says:

    All I have to say is those young men need to pull up their pants!

    Shaking my (virtual) cane and muttering while walking away….

  20. Sandra says:

    @harthad: His implant slid down to his hip, and he’s wondering how to get it back where it belongs.

  21. Lucy says:

    So after checking out an excerpt of Cramming Her Candy Bag apparently one of those torsos is supposed to be a late thirties Desi man and I don’t buy that.

  22. Mag says:

    https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51sMRmnpD1L.jpg This should be featured in Cover Snark. Blur eye shadow. I thought he was wearing a top hat. Bad tattoos or burns?

  23. Dee says:

    #1. Ok, King….I feel a sexual harassment training session coming on.

    #2 The bow is supposed to go over the package, dude. I think he’s just shy.

    #3. Don’t have the words. The angel costume is a bit much.

    #4. I think he needs to seek medical attention for his playdoh torso as he may have lost some vital parts of his skeletal system.

  24. Louise says:

    I had to pore over Candy Lady’s Amazon listing to confirm that that’s really what it says:

    MFMMM HALLOWEEN
    REVERSE HAREM
    ROMANCE

    MFMMM? WTF? Is it a series? Does it go through all possible permutations of M and F? I make it 2^5 possibilities = a potential 32 books, which is approximately 33 more than I am really prepared to handle. Or was it meant to be “Mmmmm” but then in mid-utterance she had to stop to spit something out?

  25. Kim says:

    I love Smarties (and yes, the white ones are the absolute best, followed by the orange ones)

    That last guy is wondering if he’s going to lose those abs now that he’s man-pregnant

  26. denise says:

    He’s wondering if the flowers in the background smell nice since he forgot his deodorant.

  27. Sam Victors says:

    Perhaps the guy is admiring his own body and self-male gaze?

    He could be an autosexual.

  28. Kelly says:

    I’m glad to see that fellow bitches are upset over the typography in the last cover! I’m just as likely to fall for a cover with good font as I am for good imagery and neither were done well here.

  29. PamG says:

    Crammin’ that Candy Bag summons up an image of the 3 Stooges and several dogs in the back of the dog catcher’s van. They’re all lined up scratching, then everyone, dogs & stooges flips around and scratches in the other direction. Otherwise, candy girl just doesn’t have enough outlets.

  30. DonnaMarie says:

    I blame the bifocals. Worst decision ever

  31. Christine says:

    It’s very Tragic that the last cover is not the original. The original is a great cover and I don’t know why she changed it. The series is excellent with very smart writing and I don’t think the new cover represents that.

  32. Lianne says:

    The second one, is it just me or does the weird shading of the side of the abs make it look like there’s an arm with the hand stuck down his pants?

    And white Smarties? What horror is that?
    When you eat your smarties do you eat the red ones last?
    Do you suck them very slowly, or crunch them very fast>
    Eat that candy coated chocolate, but tell me when I ask,
    When you eat your smarties do you eat the red ones last?

  33. Another Kate says:

    @Lianne – my understanding is that Americans don’t have proper Smarties, and call Rockets (aka best candy ever) “Smarties” (waves from a fellow Canadian!)

    Re. The 2nd cover… it strikes me as very poor marketing to have the big red bow covering half of the author’s name. Unless they don’t want us to be able to find the book.

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