Cover Snark: Boob Cash

Welcome to Cover Snark! This is where (as the name suggests) we snark on some covers.

A shirtless man has a woman thrown over his shoulder. A bear is roaring in the corner.

From She-Kilian: “What the hell! this woman has the longest arm I’ve ever seen! and her legs aren’t too shabby either.”

RHG: Why does she look dead?

Sarah: Me: first, it looks like they are legit doing it. This cover is NSFW.

Second, she looks like she’s really, really bored.

Her posture is all, “Oh, great, naked in the air again while reads his phone over my ass.”

RHG: She looks like she has some patchy jaundice and should get her liver levels checked.

Elyse: He doesn’t have enough ass.

CarrieS: After a late night and too many beers at the mannequin store…

Mountain Man Candy by Frankie Love. A blond, bearded shirtless man is standing in front of a very snowy mountain. The title is written in hot pink with the I in mountain being a lollipop.

Amanda: Snarking aside, it was free and I “bought” it. But MAN those are some veins.

RHG: I’m so very concerned about the dehydration epidemic in Romance heroes.

Amanda: I wonder how many pushups he did before the shoot to make them stand out.

Sarah: Is the Man Candy some kind of subcutaneous Red Vines?

Amanda: Man I love red vines, though.

CarrieS: Judging from his skin tone, he’s not only dehydrated but also hypothermic, or possibly dead. He looks annoyed about it.

Someone for Me by Addison More. A brunette man and woman are standing close together. The woman is wearing a tank top. Both people appear to be looking down at her cleavage with smiles on their faces.

From Nerdalisque: “Wow, but they are both really impressed with her boobs!”

RHG: They are nice boobs.

Sarah: It’s otherwise a lovely image, but yeah. She hid a sandwich or something in there, and they are both pretty excited about it.

Amanda: Cleavage is the pocket you need when you realize you’ve bought jeans with fake pockets.

Sarah: Until you get to the store and they say “No money from your cleavage accepted”
I could keep a few G in there.

Amanda: Oh yeah, when I worked in retail, boob cash was always damp.

Sarah: EW

RHG: I once worked a show where the box office was a disaster because the producing partner was a fucking moron.

(I have a boob in this story I swear)

And the person who manages the burlesque troupe I work for sometimes, was angry that the partner had made off with the cash from the box office, until I remembered that I had shoved it all in my boobs.

And I produced like $600 from my bra.

Sarah: See, that’s just smart thinking.

CarrieS: Eyes up here, Bub. Also, good thinking, RHG!

His Big Mountain Axe by Madison Faye. A shirtless man with long, flowing hair has his shirt in his hands and stretched across his shoulders. A mountain is in the background and the model has a huge chest tattoo, though what it's of...we have no idea.

From Olivia: “I thought you might enjoy this cover.”

Sarah: “Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s Axe body spray.”

Elyse: Why does he have a dent in his chest?

RHG: Ewwwwwwww

Sarah: Maybe it was his big mountain axe what left the dent.

Amanda: You could eat queso outta that dent.

RHG: Ew.

CarrieS: Greetings, discount Jason Momoa. I see that you are made of at least 2 different people. Good luck with that.

Comments are Closed

  1. Ren Benton says:

    The bear reminds me of the screams-at-own-ass possum, except he’s screaming at the guy’s ass.

    But if he’s a shifter, it’s still his own ass, isn’t it? Maybe the bear is MST3King his human-form sex tapes.

  2. Ren Benton says:

    Also, her butt is up by the cruel bear beast’s mouth, so if they’re doing it, he’s either got minimum 24 inches or an extra appendage growing out of his chest.

    In which case, that bear REALLY has something to scream about.

  3. Susan says:

    OK, why can’t I find the cruel bear book on Amazon? I wasn’t convinced the dark-haired person (presumably the non-bear) was a woman so wanted to see if it was a m/m book. But it wasn’t a total loss as I somehow fell down a bear shifter rabbit hole complete with billionbears and bearllionaires. Haha. I never knew what I was missing.

  4. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    What the heck is that triangular flap of skin hanging from the dude’s back on the Bear Beast cover? I think he should see a dermatologist. Also, unless that woman has the longest torso ever recorded, I don’t think those can actually be her legs.

  5. Ren Benton says:

    @Susan: Per Goodreads, it was a 15,000-word novella stuffed to 860 pages instead of the 50 it should have been, so it was likely involved in The Great KU Purge of 2018.

  6. Luce says:

    Mountain men are taking a bit of a blow with this Cover Snark episode.

    I’m wondering if the mountain candy man is actually a time travel story because he looks like he was found frozen in a glacier like Otzi.

  7. Sandyh says:

    And Carrie wins with the discount Jason Maoma comment. Still laughing.

  8. JJB says:

    Cool story, but I know a guy with veins not dissimilar from creepy pale mountain man there. (He is, thankfully, not dead looking like that guy.) I asked him about it one time and they are always like that, it runs in his fam, and yes it is easy for him to donate blood. I’m sure him being crazy fit helps as well…

    Also, idk, discount Jason Momoa appears to be a rly tan white guy probably so I’d say bargain bin more like :-/

    (*And psst, apparently it is Momoa with two O’s.)

  9. PamG says:

    re: Cruel Bear Beast. Am I hallucinating or are there giant grey fingers clutching CBB around the middle? Is the rescuee riding so high on CBB’s torso because of a giant grey hand? Is this like when your horrible little troll of a brother steals your Ken doll while he’s doing Barbie and makes you. . . no, let’s not go there.

  10. Lostshadows says:

    At first I thought the woman on the first cover was unconscious and he’d slung her across his shoulder to move her to safety.

    I think I would be more concerned about the angry, tiny bear going after my arm than she is.

    My first thought on the last cover was that the artist was given the description “Hagrid, but sexy” to work with.

  11. MsCellanie says:

    Can you spot the hidden elephant in the top picture?

  12. Herberta says:

    Why is Mountain Axe man toweling off his neck with a tiny t-shirt?

  13. Zyva says:

    Re #1: It’s Alice in Wonderland weird, but based on covers like this one, I can picture Contorsionist or Carnival Mirror being the next Cockygate title-squatting target.

  14. Zyva says:

    Re #2. Reckon I could beat out the red veined guys to be ‘something out of iZombie’. I have prominent BLUE veins because blood is drained towards my extremities which are always, genetically, inflamed (erythema).

    At least with the two together, I match my football colours. (Not that I condone brainwashing kids into barracking, but what’s done is done.)

  15. denise says:

    Boob cash–all the old ladies had boob cash when I worked grocery retail in the 80s.

    I also remember the moms from the neighborhood keeping boob cash handy.

    I may have been guilty of it a time or two myself. At least I know better than to stick my cell phone there.

  16. Lepiota says:

    All of this and none of those bloody Christmas Elves? We’ve been robbed!

  17. chacha1 says:

    Discount Jason Momoa is doing hair wrong, if you ask me. And that ab configuration is freaky.

    [counting down to Aquaman]

  18. EC Spurlock says:

    Looks more like “Carried Off Swooning by the Cruel bare Bear Beast”. And the little bear down in the corner says “YAAAASSSSS!”

    I honestly thought Mountain Candy Man was a sculpture at first because he’s all one color — skin, beard, hair, eyes, everything. Like someone went over to the Met and took a shot of a statue of Zeus then Photoshop colorized it.

    Discount Jason Momoa has weird abs as well. The two halves of his body don’t fit together quite right. Speaking of Photoshop it’s like someone wanted to make that tattoo symmetrical so they horizontal-flipped half of his body and didn’t quite line it up, like a bad wallpaper job. And if it’s his “axe” that’s so big maybe they should have photographed him from behind?

  19. EC Spurlock says:

    AARGH I will never get those tags right! Sorry — only the “bare” was supposed to be lined through

  20. LauraL says:

    The bear beast looks like it has come home from a walk in the woods and is now screaming “Who has been sleeping in my bed?”

    What’s with the sucker on the mountain man cover. Does it represent the reader? But, wait, the book is free…. The cover model kind of creeps me out because he looks like an engineer I used to work with. All pale skin and weird faded out hair, but I think he kept a beer belly under his polo shirt. Or started a second career as a model after he left the team.

    Maybe the boobs were a pre-wedding gift? The couple is just so damn cute and happy! And, don’t get me started on boob cash. I used to work retail in a neighborhood where the little old ladies ate a lot of garlic. A LOT OF GARLIC.

    I’m frightened of what may be glowing under the second mountain man’s armpits.

  21. L. says:

    I’m going to be here all day trying to figure out just what the heck I’m looking at in that first cover. The bear is the only thing that makes sense. Everything else is a conundrum. Why does his left bicep have a fold? Are those her legs? Why does their skin seem to be comprised of different textures and colors?

  22. Shan Wright says:

    “discount Jason Momoa” LOL!! I laughed so loud I woke up my sleeping kid. Worth it though.

  23. Lora says:

    Carrie, the discount Jason Momoa comment wins the internet today. I snorted.

  24. Crystal F. says:

    I would agree that the first cover is NSFW…If I could figure out WHAT the heck is going on in it.

    Forget the photoshopped bear. My brain is just trying to figure out if her torso and limbs have to be like Stretch Armstrong’s to even BE in a pose like that.

  25. CC says:

    I would pay some serious boob cash to be in the room with you ladies when you do cover snark…

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