In the general theme of “everything that happened in the last week was garbage, ” we need to talk about some things before I recap tonight’s Bachelorette. Contestant Lincoln Adim (you’ll remember him as the guy who was making out with a photo of Becca) was convicted of indecent assault and battery prior to the show. I put the details in a spoiler tag so if you find discussions of sexual assaults triggering or just can’t right now, go ahead and skip on to the recap below.
Per multiple news outlets, on May 21, 2018, Adim was found guilty of assaulting and groping a woman on a harbor cruise ship. His sentence includes a two-year probationary period during which he is expected to stay away from the victim, attend three Alcoholics Anonymous meetings per week, and register as a sex offender. If he violates his probation, he will have to serve a year in a house of correction.
This revelation caused an intense online discussion about why Lincoln made it through the casting process for the show at all. I would think that an arrest for sexual assault would be one of those things that gets you disqualified from The Bachelorette, but apparently not. ABC has so far declined to comment (fuck you guys) but Warner Bros. Television (which produces the show) released the following statement:
“No one on The Bachelorette production had any knowledge about the incident or charges when Lincoln Adim was cast, and he himself denied ever having engaged in or having been charged with any sexual misconduct. We employ a well-respected and highly experienced third party who has done thousands of background checks consistent with industry standards to do a nationwide background check in this case. The report we received did not reference any incident or charge relating to the recent conviction — or any other charges relating to sexual misconduct. We are currently investigating why the report did not contain this information, which we will share when we have it.”
Notice a couple of things missing here? Like an apology? There’s no mention of steps to prevent this in the future. No mention of firing the “third party” that fucked up. They do mention that this company performed “thousands” of successful background checks, like that somehow matters. It doesn’t. The one that matters is the one they didn’t perform correctly.
The Bachelorette (more so than its counterpart, The Bachelor) seems to source male contestants who are a “joke.” Take Jordan, who his clearly just there to cultivate his brand, which is based on idiocy. Take the guy who listed his job as “social media participant.” Remember Wha-Booom?
The problem is, sexual assault isn’t a joke. Letting a contestant with an assault arrest slip through the casting process, and then issuing a statement that’s really just the equivalent of a shrug, isn’t treating this with the seriousness it deserves.
So like I said, this past week was garbage and to top it off, my husband is at a work event tonight, and, thanks to a storm front, I’ve been fighting off a headache all day. As a result I’m doing this solo and sober because as much as I’d like to stay home with a “rum migraine” tomorrow, I have to adult up.
So take a fortifying sip of your favorite adult beverage for me because it’s time to do the damn thing (I’m so sorry).
We immediately open with the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Garrett conveniently reminds us of the two “unfortunate events” from the prior week. First, Clay had to go home after he broke his wrist. Then David allegedly fell out of bed and broke his face.
So more on that one. I guess I assumed when the guys stayed in the McMansion they had rooms that didn’t resemble the ones I stayed in at sleep away camp in sixth grade, but turns out I was wrong. A quick shot reveals two bunk beds with the same heavy wooden frame I slept in at Camp Nan A Bo Sho years ago. Apparently the guys are sleeping four to a room, and David, presumably shit faced, rolled off the top bunk, was too drunk to try and break his fall, and smashed his face into the ground.
At least that’s what ABC wants us to believe. I like to think that David got drunk and went wandering the McMansion at night. He comes upon a library lit only by a crackling fire. He goes to pull a book from the shelf and with a chilling click, the bookshelf swings open to reveal a secret passage. His sense of danger numbed by whiskey, he creeps down the dark corridor, the sound of organ music becoming ever louder. He steps out into an open chamber lit only by candles, hears Chris Harrison scream, “No!” from behind the pipe organ, just as the jaws of the Rose God snap around his head.
That’s what I’m going with anyway.
Gross, Dumb Jordan is confident he’s going to win Becca’s heart. “I’m glad that David’s gone. That’s just more time for me. The funny thing is, I don’t even need all the time in the world. I could have five minutes with Becca tonight and make the biggest impact I’ve made with her yet. I’ve got a shirt that’s cut out for a tie here, you know,” he touches his collar, “and it’s got the angled collar. And I’m not wearing a tie with it. And it kinda shows here, this guy, it could go either way right now.”
Then Becca gives Gross, Dumb Jordan, who sometimes doesn’t wear pants, a pair of gold boxers.
My husband texts to check in on me and I tell him I could really go for a cold brew coffee and he points out, “Okay, but Two Hours of Sleep Elyse is just as bad as Hangover Elyse.” Man, I can’t have any fun.
Then David shows back up. He’s got a black eye, a massively swollen cheek and a broken nose. Becca gives him a rose so he doesn’t have to stand through The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. So then it’s time for the guys to line up on the little risers they use in grade school choir performances while Becca hands out roses.
One of the guys, Nick, reflects that he’s taking a risk going to a rose ceremony in a track suit, but that’s who he is. Meanwhile I ask the cats, “There’s a guy there named Nick?” Seriously I do not recognize him at all. Did they sneak him in to fuck with us?
Anyway, Nick makes it through.
Mike and Ryan go home.
Then Becca announces they are all going to Park City, Utah. Yay!
The first one-on-one date goes to Garrett. They go shopping in some cute stores and have a cup of coffee. Becca says that she thinks her late father would have liked Garrett.
Then we cut back to the lodge where the dudes are staying. Lincoln, apparently, is a flat-earther. The other guys try to get him to explain how that would even be possible.
“You realize there are people who have sailed around the world?” one of them asks. “How do they get around the world without falling off?”
“Friction,” Lincoln says. “And gravity.”
Back to Garrett and Becca. They’re going bobsledding. They meet with Valerie Fleming and Shauna Rohbock, Olympic silver medalists. Valerie and Shauna explain that bobsledding is all about being in sync, and then share that they competed together for years, won silver in the 2006 Olympics, fell in love, got married, and have two children.
SOMEONE WRITE ME THAT BOOK RIGHT NOW.
After bobsledding, Garrett and Becca down champagne and Becca tells the camera that she’s developing feelings for Garrett quickly. During dinner Becca asks Garrett about his last relationship. He tells her they dated for over a year, got married, then divorced within a few months. He tells her that his ex was very emotionally abusive and isolated him from his friends and family.
Becca says she’s glad he felt comfortable enough to share that with her, and she gives him a rose. Then we get one of those pop-up concerts ABC loves so much. The performer is some guy named Granger Scott, and I don’t care so I get up to pee.
Also update:
Next up is the group date. Becca admits she’s always been attracted to lumberjacks (SAME BECCA SAME) and the guys have to split wood to prove themselves to her. For the record, Becca can chop wood like nobody’s business.
Then they have to throw axes at a target and BECCA FUCKING NAILS IT.
I want to be her friend. I really do.
Then we have caber tossing.
Finally the guys are divided into two teams to do a challenge of log rolling, caber tossing, log sawing, axe throwing, and scaling a giant pole. It comes down to Blake and John in the end. John gets to the top of the pole first and wins a golden axe.
Yes, those are words I actually just typed.
The after-party is held at a distillery and it appears that Blake actually injured himself in the lumberjacking.
So when Gross, Dumb Jordan has one-on-one time with Becca on the drinking couch, he takes off his pants AGAIN, and shows her that he’s wearing the gold undies she brought him. Then, still in his undies, he goes and hangs out with the other guys.
The other dudes are not amused. Several of them say he’s disrespectful and childish.
Colton and Gross, Dumb Jordan get into an argument when Colton tells him he’s a clown. That’s super fucking rude to clowns, Colton.
If you want to see Gross, Dumb Jordan’s ass in some gold undershorts click the spoiler tag below, but I don’t recommend it.
Jean Blanc, the guy who collects “accoutrements,” presents Becca with a bottle of perfume designed for her. He kisses her and Becca tells the camera that she feels she has good instincts and she isn’t sure if Jean Blanc is really interested in her. Then he tells her that he’s falling in love with her.
Becca is pretty shocked because they’ve spent like a total of five minutes together so far.
“I don’t know if I’m on that same page,” she says.
“I don’t want to jump the gun,” Jean Blanc says after jumping the gun.
Becca says they’re on different wavelengths and she thinks it’s unfair to keep Jean Blanc around if she isn’t going to “get there” with him. She walks him out. Jean Blanc asks for the bottle of perfume back.
DUDE.
Becca is pretty surprised.
“I appreciate the gift so much, and I love the scent of it. I just didn’t realize… where you were at, and your feelings with me…” she says.
“It’s not necessarily where I’m at,” he replies. “It’s just…I just thought that…that’s where you wanted to take things and that’s what you wanted to hear.”
HOLY SHIT. DUDE. NO.
Becca says, “So, what you just said isn’t true? You’re just saying things because I want to hear certain things? All I’ve asked for in this process is honesty. So, if that wasn’t honest…”
They share an awkward hug and he leaves. I would have thrown the perfume bottle at his head.
Becca goes back to the other guys. She tells them she’s really mad because Jean Blanc lied to her. She tells them if anyone else is not being honest, they need to leave now. She also says she’s not giving out a rose as she just wants the night to be done.
The guys are speechless.
Becca strides out like a queen in her evening gown. The next shots are of her tucked into bed in a cabled sweater, propped up by a dozen pillows, drinking hot tea. Take care of yourself, Becca.
The next one-on-one date is with Wills. Becca approaches the date feeling vulnerable and unhappy.
Becca and Wills snowmobile up a mountain. Wills reflects that it’s his job to make her feel safe and happy today. At the top of the mountain they watch the sunset. Now I had to pause because there is a shot of them sitting on the mountain with a picnic basket that contains, for no reason I can figure out, a straw hat. Like a hat you wear on the beach.
I was so mystified I took a photo of my TV for you:
Notice the hat in the lower right corner. If I was drunk I might be able to come up with a humorous theory as to why some PA thought they’d need a beach hat on top of a mountain, in the middle of winter, but I’m just confused.
Rich gets home and I show him the screen grab and ask “What about this is weird?”
“Why the fuck do they have a beach hat?” he asks.
This is why he’s my person.
During dinner Wills tells her about his last relationship which lasted three years. He thought they were headed for marriage, but she was unfaithful to him. Becca compares it to her relationship with Arie. Becca gives him a rose.
So then we cut back to the lodge. Chris Harrison shows up and tells the guys that after Jean Blanc, Becca is more sure of what she wants to do. I’m willing to bet what she wants to do is drink a bunch of hard liquor and burn it all down, but I guess not.
He tells them she wants to skip the cocktail party. With hilarious gravity he says, “So when we walk in tonight, straight to rose.”
HOLY SHIT GUYS. THIS IS CODE RED. WE ARE STRAIGHT TO ROSE. I REPEAT WE ARE STRAIGHT TO ROSE.
Cut to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Tense music plays. The final rose goes to Gross, Dumb Jordan, probably because the producers made her keep him. Nick (seriously does anyone remember him?) and Christon go home.
And that’s the episode. I’m going to read until the wee hours of the morning now because I make terrible, terrible choices.
Are you still watching? Do you remember Nick?
The key words in ABC’s statement are “consistent with industry standards.” Meaning somebody skimmed his Facebook profile and he didn’t self-identify as a rapist, so it’s all good by TV standards, baby.
When they put together a group of women, the women are universally amazing (even the one cast for the villain role). When they put together a group of men, there’s a HIGH percentage of idiocy, toxicity, and criminality. I wonder what the gender breakdown of the casting department is to reliably arrive at this obvious bias season after season.
Also, am I the only one who zoomed in on the books in the background of the beverage picture because books before schnooks?
If this show doesn’t end with Becca joining a convent, I’ll be surprised.
Elyse fabulous review as always!
Seriously, great love for Becca, and a WTF for all the tone-deaf, lame-ass, guys they find. It’s an insult to women.
OT lumberjacks IRL: my husband is, among other things, a 6’3″ carpenter. We were in the Olympic Peninsula a number of years ago when a–what’s the collective noun for lumberjacks? Passel? Board foot? Metric ton?–of enormous men climbed out of a lumber truck.
They looked like grizzlies with hair rather than fur (although I wouldn’t count out that possibility), wearing the requisite flannel shirts, jeans/bibs, beards, and COVERED head to toe in wood shavings. They made the love of my life look small. All told, they were an impressive and astonishing sight, not at all the tall strong-yet-lean men I’d come to expect from romance novels.
Anyway, thank you as always for
saving our livesproviding a great recap.Seriously, Becca. Throw the whole lot out and ask for a do-over. Maybe with a better filter this time. Or better yet, sue ABC for endangering your life and sanity and walk away with your head held high.
Becca is way too good for this trash, and I love that she seems to be fully aware of this.
I have literally never been on a snowy mountain, but I remember being told that they’re actually major sunburn hazards, because the sun reflects off the snow. This is the only explanation I can think of for the beach hat, although since neither of them is wearing it, I guess they don’t share my solarphobia, which is probably healthy of them.
I’m sorry, I’m still stalled out at the fact this douche asked for her to return the gift he EFFING gave her!!! Dude!! Seriously, even if you were lying through your damn teeth, don’t be so classless as to ask for a gift back!! Jesus, did your family teach you nothing?! Even if Becca offered to return it to you, you refuse. Why? Because it was a gift you clearly moronic dumpster-fire! It wasn’t a transaction, a down payment, or you anything else.
Besides, if you had it crafted especially for her, then taking it back is useless. Anyone else you re-gift it to is just gonna know. Nor will it be special and for them. Or did you lie about that detail too? Seriously my dude, even if you were gonna be creepy and sit alone in the dark, sniffing the fragrance and thinking about what a colossal fuck up you are, there’s no escaping the shame you’ve heaped on yourself.
Why ABC, we’re good people, Becca’s good people. She’s already kissed one jangling fucker thanks to you. Don’t put her or us through more of this!
I feel like between his and Lee the racist from Rachel’s season, ABC really needs to pick up the slack before the Bachelorettes all team up and lodge a complaint about poor standards of background checking.
So this week I just had to see dumb Jordan and the Rose God was kind. I tuned in right at their one on one time and saw her give him the gold shorts and his reaction. Then David returned and shortly thereafter I tuned out. Elyse, how do you watch this? You are a very special lady! You deserve a husband who brings you cold brew!
Also, I do not remember any mention of Nick, but whatever, he’s gone now.
I accidently watched this last night and I could only stand about 5 minutes. It was Becca and a vapid white guy on a couch and the conversation was painful. I don’t know how you do it — thank you!
When Becca hears about Lincoln, she is going to (rightly so) go postal.
Given the delay between taping and airing, do we know what they actually did with him? I.e. was he kicked off or are they holding onto that info for ratings (icky)…
I’m usually OK with moving a little slowly (read about the Duke lacrosse case if you want to know why I don’t want to jump to a decision) BUT if you have a conviction, then action should be swift and decisive.
I am absolutely convinced that ABC is majority staffed with immature, misogynistic, racist, asshole douche-bros who either fantasize about raping women or are themselves probably (date) rapists. Nothing else explains the consistently pathetic panel of male contestants on the Bachelorette.
The overall idiocy of some of the ‘eligible’ bachelors displayed weekly as well as the choices of outings and activities were a few of my reasons for skipping this series (the other was the fakery). However, at this point, my refusal to watch is based solely on ABC’s disregard for the Bachelorette’s health, well being and safety.
So, thank you Elyse for watching yet another dreadful episode of this program and cataloging both the (too few) high- and (far too many) low lights.
I will never understand how you get through this sober.
A note on professional background checks. In my experience working in HR, many, if not most, background checks do not include things which are currently pending or have not yet been to trial. The whole innocent until proven guilty thing. (They also often do not include older information, ~7 years prior).Considering that dude probably had his background check done months before this verdict, I can see how that easily would have slipped through the cracks. Not defending him, or their reactions, but it – hiring someone not knowing about pending cases – is much more common than you would think.
@Ellie: Wow, I didn’t know that. Now that you’ve explained it that way, it makes sense. Thank you.
the collective noun for lumberjacks is a Sasquatch. Used in a sentence thusly: It was difficult to identify my significant other in the flannel rich Sasquatch of lumberjacks.
OK, but how is he attending AA 3x/week ON SET?
I heard a recap of the new show The Proposal on EW radio. I think Elyse deserves a reward for the Bachelor and should review this train wreck instead next week. Any show that introduces a woman as “when she’s not writing or speaking, she’s managing her large doll collection” desperately needs Elyse snark.
I might have watched 1 episode in the entire history of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Reading about it here is SO much better and leaves time for reading.
Cheers to Elyse and hoping she can have real drinks by next week.
@Elyse, you mentioned having a headache due to a storm rolling in. Do you routinely have headaches triggered by changes in barometric pressure? I do, and I got a diagnosis (after testing at my allergist’s office) of nonallergic vasomotor rhinitis. In some people, it’s triggered by strong scents (like walking down the detergent aisle at the store, in my SIL’s case). I was prescribed Ipratropium bromide nasal spray, which I use once a day but can use more often if needed. It’s amazing! Before, I could be in a windowless room and tell you if the weather was changing. Because I live where the weather changes ALL THE EFFING TIME, I had near constant headaches that Advil didn’t touch. Within 36 hours of my first dose, all those headaches were gone.
I’m not diagnosing you, but it might be worth checking out in case there is a simple solution for you.
And thanks so much for the entertaining recaps!
My husband took one look at that statement and said “It’s not that they’re pissed about finding out about his conviction, they’re pissed they didn’t get to reveal it as part of the show’s narrative”, which feels very true to me.
@Nancy C it’s worth a call to my GP!