Cover Snark: I Now Pronounce You Man and Bear

Cover Snark is here this Monday! I hope you’re all imagining a little trumpet playing a squeaky fanfare, because I sure do every time I announce this post.

Those Bloody Christmas Elves by Emmi Lawrence. Two men wearing jackets, but no shirts stand in front of a snowy gingerbread house. There's a screaming, angry gingerbread man in the background. One of the men is holding a candy cane.

From Rebecca: Please consider including the attached image for an upcoming Cover Snark. That raging gingerbread man!

Sarah: I want to make cookies that look like that gingerbread man. Like, right now.

Also, that’s a rather suggestive candy cane.


Sarah: You think one of those guys is Florida Man?

Amanda: Definitely the foreground one. The other is Justin Bieber apparently.

CarrieS: This is for a horror movie, right?

Elyse: The Gingerbread Man from Shrek went dark.

Wedding Bear by Zoe Chant. A grizzly bear and a headless man with an open shirt stands in front of a forest. Two linked wedding bands are pictured below in a weird blue soupy background.

Sarah: He’s marrying the bear?

Amanda: I now pronounce you, “Man & Bear.”

Sarah: Maybe that bear is one of those predators of vulnerability, convincing young women to marry them then skipping town before the ceremony with all the gifts and cash.

A serial wedding bear.

Amanda: Man, I hope so. I would love that.

Sarah: As has been said, Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you.

RHG: Heyoooooooo!

Submit by Bailey Bradford. A shirtless and possibly pantsless man faces away from us. There is smokey fire surrounding him. A pair of handcuffs are perfectly placed where his butt cheeks should be, creating this weird optical illusion of him having this huge bubble butt.

Submitted by Jennifer Porter on Twitter.

RHG: I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Sarah: So I can trust you to tell me the truth, then. Can I trust him?

Amanda: I wonder if there’s a secret message in the reflected title. “Timbus?” WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

Sarah: Bum. Bits. BUMS. IT BUMS.

CarrieS: I don’t know what to say about this. That is a butt. Yes it is.You can’t handcuff a butt, does he know that?

Bake This by Tasha. Oh boy, there is a lot going on here. The bottom half of the cover is a wolf on a snowy road. But the top half features a shirtless man emerging from some clouds. Behind him is a flaming planet.

From Gloriamarie: I hope you laugh at this cover as much as I did. There is something just so off about it. For one thing who has vertical abs? Or are those loaves of bread he baked?

Is he transparent? Or is the moon transparent?

Did his baking go up in flames? And what’s with those clouds, anyway?

Elyse: I hope he’s standing in a cloud of his own farts.

Amanda: There’s just so much going on. Is it a foodie shifter holiday romance?

CarrieS: 1. It’s a cute small town story 2. It’s a baker story 3. It’s a shifter story or maybe just a story about Alaska, 4. It’s about a tribe of shifters or maybe just astronomers.


It’s a romance in which two people who love their “Three Moon Wolf T-shirts” almost as much as they love each other. And they take turns stealing the shirts.

Comments are Closed

  1. Ren Benton says:

    Wedding Bear called off the wedding when she saw those tangerine naugahyde abs and realized she and the groom had irreconcilable political views, starting with the destruction of her natural habitat.

    I’m strangely compelled to at least look at Those Bloody Christmas Elves, so… good job, crazy cover?

  2. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    The last cover made me think of an M.F.K. Fisher cookbook called HOW TO COOK A WOLF—I hope that’s not where that story is going!

    (Fisher’s book is actually about how to make-do with wartime shortages and is now, hopefully, just an interesting artifact.)

  3. Lora says:

    That wolf looks as puzzled as we are. I think perhaps they showed the stock photo wolf a mock up of the upper half of the cover and it made that face. As if to say, ” Clouds AND fire AND a moon AND a shirtless guy with his hands on his hips obviously searching for his whisk?”

    Also, butt. Clearly a butt. No other possible interpretation beyond massive floating butt.

  4. The Other Kate says:

    I am in awe of the Smart Bitches’ ability to snark “Those Bloody Christmas Elves.” I’ve been staring at it for five minutes and am still . . . speechless.

  5. Lostshadows says:

    On the third cover, is that a graphic to separate the words Power and Submit or does he have a very strangely placed back tattoo?

  6. Ren Benton says:

    @Lostshadows: He asked for a tramp stamp, but that was as close as the tattoo artist could get because his bodacious buttocks got in the way.

  7. Jeannette says:

    The description for Bake This says, “thrown together with the mission of baking two hundred apple pies during an epic blizzard…”. Maybe the circle behind him is an apple pie instead of a moon? With such a storyline the could have had a lot of fun with the cover instead of a generic Man/wolf theme. A wolf with an apron & chef’s hat would definitely draw me in. Or even a picture of a big apple pie with a single wolf-print in powdered sugar.

  8. Maite says:

    First cover: I totally read the title as “Those Bloody Christmas Eyes”. Makes as much sense as the actual name.

    Fourth cover: I do love how the guy’s head and the wolf’s head point the same way. And the expression on his face: “Yeah, I’m just your run-of-the-mill baker, who just happens to have bread abs, materialize from clouds, is inmune to fire and is bigger than the moon.”
    Sorry, smug guy, Alaric (Night Travels of the Elven Vampire) still has more powers than you.

  9. cbackson says:

    @Carrie S, you just try telling Chuck Tingle you can’t handcuff a butt.

  10. SB Sarah says:

    @cbackson: I just snorted water up my nose. OMG.

  11. Deb in Atlanta says:

    It’s a Moon Pie. 😀

  12. I swear authors are doing this kind of thing on purpose to get on Cover Snark. No one could be that clueless. Could they?

    …yeah ok they probably could…

  13. Kate says:

    I see fingers instead of abs on the last cover. Also, it’s a Tarker’s Hollow Romance and a 300 Moons Book.

  14. Lorna says:

    Maybe he’s the ring bear 🙂

  15. Denise says:

    lolol I needed a good laugh today

  16. AmyB says:

    @Kate — I see fingers, too — pointed downwards, as if he’s kneading something.

  17. EC Spurlock says:

    @AmyB, he kneads a lot of things, especially pants. Or maybe he’s naked so he can get started on those 300 moons? And it’s faster to moon 300 people when you’re airborne?

    @Lorna you beat me to it! The title of that book should totally be Ring Bear.

    And that gingerbread man has been hanging out with the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man too much. I don’t think whacking him with your candy cane is going to save you, dude. You need to call Ghostbusters.

  18. Susan says:

    Sorry, but the Wedding Bear looks like a doofus. He doesn’t have enough upstairs to be an enforcer. On the tough/scary scale, he’s a school crossing guard.

  19. LauraL says:

    I’m pretty sure I coached the cover models from Those Bloody Christmas Elves last week. Cold temperatures and SNOW and the team was walking around campus in shorts and t-shirts. BRRR. Now I know what they do in their spare time. BTW, the gingerbread man is angry because he wasn’t picked first at the cookie exchange.

    The Bake This guy looks like he is concerned about passing his next Servsafe cert after burning All The Pies. Bonus, he is all waxed up for cleanliness as a shirtless baker should be. The wolf is just hoping some peanut butter wolfie biscuits are in the oven.

    We have bears in our part of the woods and I hope never to find out what an enforcer bear does.

  20. SusanE says:

    I also see the bread abs on the Bake guy as fingers, but based on the spread angle they are pointing up. The palm is kneading his naughty bits, and I really don’t want to think about what the thumb is doing.

  21. Re: the 300 Moon book, my wife and I just decided that it’s either 300 Moons, or 150 Moon Moons. Personally, we’re voting for the latter!

    Also, I am somewhat aghast to see that that Wedding Bear book is apparently the _third_ one?

  22. Louise says:

    Is it just me or …
    Does the conjunction of “Bake” in the title and “Black” in the author’s name lead to mental pictures of sad culinary misfortunes?

  23. Carole says:

    Concerned the Enforcer Bear is foaming at the mouth…no wait did he just get interrupted brushing his teeth?

  24. Emily says:

    I definitely thought those flaming handcuffs were flaming Reese’s peanut butter cups colliding.

  25. Ren Benton says:

    In contrast to the inhumanly smooth and shiny Tangerine Naugahyde Enforcer Bear, the fifth Enforcer Bear is infested-with-guinea-worms veiny.

    (Do yourself a favor and don’t Google Image guinea worms if you don’t already know. I was forever traumatized in 9th grade biology, but you don’t have to be.)

  26. BellaInAus says:

    @ Ren Benton

    You didn’t warn us not to read the blurb.

    I don’t think I take all the crazy.

  27. BellaInAus says:

    I don’t think I CAN take all the crazy.

    Using all the words makes the sentence make sense.

  28. Zyva says:

    @Ren Brenton.
    Us blood orange/carrot-patch people would Really Appreciate it if you’d start calling the bottle orange horrors out on their derma-appropriation.
    I was born this Wuzzle-y, and I can trace the gene back to 1842.
    (Douche-nozzles like the HateMouth painted looby &co.? Not one of UZ. Eject!)

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