Elyse Watches The Bachelor-Episode 10: Fantasy Suites, Gross.

I would just like to open this recap by pointing out that I am watching not one, but two, two-hour episodes of The Bachelor this week.

That’s four hours of Arie.

I feel like I need to call the pharmacy and ask if four hours of Arie is contraindicated for any of the medications I’m on. Will watching him depress my respiratory system? It’s sure as hell depressing the rest of me.

Also, the other Bitches are worried that I’m cracking under the pressure. Sarah showed us a photo of her adorable cat, Orville, whom (as a cat stalker) I was able to tell apart from his brother Wilbur (hint: nose dots), and we speculated as to whether or not this was like the twin test in romance novels. I can tell them apart, therefore Orville is my one true love.

I said “Orville, I accept this rose” and then RHG and Sarah were like “Holy shit, she snapped.” I expect that they might text Rich about making a therapy appointment for me. Or maybe send me a package filled with herbal teas, heat-wraps, and a pillow to scream into.

But there is hope on the horizon.

Next week is the season finale (thank The Rose God) so I get a break until The Bachelorette starts up again. That also means that we’re down to the final three women and that means that tonight is the “Fantasy Suites” episode. No lie, each contestant gets a hotel room key (a fancy hotel room sure) and a HANDWRITTEN note from Chris Harrison inviting them to spend the night with The Bachelor. Sex is implied, but supposedly some contestants have spent the night talking or ignoring each other and looking at their phones. Kidding, they aren’t allowed to have phones.

Since Arie is to men as unflavored gelatin is to desserts, I’m sure that the women are in for a real treat.

Anyway, the show opens with everyone going to Peru because why not. We start with a shot of Arie walking down the street looking at stuff, and that shot probably took three hours to film because apparently Arie had a hard time walking through doors repeatedly.

The first date goes to Kendall. Last week Arie questioned whether or not Kendall was ready to get engaged. They go for a dune buggy ride in the desert and then sit down to a picnic where Arie breaks the cardinal Bachelor rule and eats on camera. I feel like a producer just threw a snack-pack sized bag of peanuts at his head while screaming, “Just fucking do something for chrissake!”

Kendall tells the camera that she thinks the other two women are probably more ready for marriage than she is.

Kendall says, “I want to know that Arie isn’t dating me just because, you know, I’m quirky and I like taxidermy.”

I can’t say that I ever thought someone would worry that she was being romantically pursued because of her love of taxidermy but okay.

Arie says, “There’s something about you that I just want to grab you and like give you reassurance,” but he’s a little drunk, so I hear, “grab you and give you reach-arounds,” and I snort Coke Zero up my nose.

Yes. I am drinking Coke Zero at eight-thirty in the PM in order to stay awake through this shit. If I had known what a powerful sleep aid Arie is, I would never have bought that bottle of Tylenol PM at Costco. I would just replay an episode until I slipped into a coma.

Also, there is a dog barking throughout their conversation and that dog sounds PISSED OFF. That dog did not sign up for this shit.

Then we get the card from Chris Harrison and I cringe so hard because can you imagine getting a hand written card FROM A THIRD PARTY inviting you to sleep with the guy you’re dating? That’s so gross and weird.

I wonder if Chris also left them a little goodie basket with flavored lubes and wet wipes and The Rose God only knows what else.

Kendall says that she is down for a sleepover and they both giggle and it’s gross and weird. Arie says, “That makes me happy,” which is one of two things he says reflexively. The other is, “Yeah.”

I feel like if Arie was diagnosed with a horrible infection (the kind that involves a lot of draining) his automatic response would be, “That makes me happy. Yeah.” And the doctor would just stare at the camera like Jim from The Office.

Cut to the next day. Arie says they stayed up all night talking and that they needed that time together. He’s still asking the hard questions. “Do you like, like, milk with your eggs to make them fluffy?”

Legit question: Can you make scrambled eggs without milk? Is that a thing?

Also I am super nauseated right now from soda and candy. OMG. Bad choices.

So then next up we get Lauren’s date with Arie. They take a plane to look at the Nazca Lines. Arie thinks that Lauren spends a lot of time “in her head” and I think she’s really just suffering from intense boredom.

Lauren tells Arie she sees a future with him, but she struggles with the idea of being hurt. Arie says, “Yeah” about eight times. She tells Arie that she’s used to being the only girl and isn’t comfortable with the idea that she’s one of three women Arie might choose.

Which…isn’t that the point of the show? How is this coming up now?

Then they sit down to the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat. Lauren tells Arie he’s supportive and reassuring and she couldn’t have asked for anything more. Except she’s freaking out. Because she has deep-rooted trust issues, and she can’t grasp him dating other women.

WTF is even going on here?

Has she been asleep for the previous nine episodes…oh, wait.

I get it. Arie is as powerful an influence on her as he is on me. Okay.

Also I’m 89% sure that Arie has a spray tan. But not a very good one.

Arie says to her, “I see this amazing women. And I see that she’s nervous.”

DUDE. If I am ever at a table with a guy and he starts talking about me in the third person to my face and then says, “and I see that she’s nervous,” I’m reflexively going to stab him with whatever sharp object is on that table. Steak knife. Fondue fork. Spork. That’s a serial killer line if I’ve ever heard one.

LAUREN TELL HIM THEY HAVE TO RESHOOT THE SCENE OR THAT YOU HAVE TO FART AND RUN NOW. GO. LEAVE THE HEELS BEHIND, SISTER.

Instead Lauren nods and agrees to spend a night in The Fantasy Suite with Arie while, I shit you not, “How Do I Live” plays in the background. Way to throw it back to ’97, ABC.

During a shot of them making out on the bed, Arie totally feels up her boob too.

Then, hopefully after a shower, and, like, maybe an entire day, it’s time for Becca’s date.

I have to wonder if having sex three nights in a row is physically taxing on Arie, who so far has exhibited the verve of a sloth.

Anyway, they go for a boat ride and look at some birds and sea lions. Arie says he has no doubts when it comes to his relationship with Becca. They have drinks in a tent in the desert and I hope that’s not the Fantasy Suite because sand. Seriously, I got rolled by a wave in Costa Rica and I take really long scrubby showers daily, but I was honestly finding sand in my undergarments three days later with no idea where it could possibly be coming from anymore.

So then Arie tells Becca he loves her and she’s shocked. Usually we only get the “falling in love” line at this point.

Then they walk over to a different tent where they spend the night together.  We hear a voiceover of Arie saying, “Part me of wants to end this now and propose in the sand dunes.”

YES. YES, END THIS NOW.

The next morning Becca talks about how she’s the happiest she’s been in years and how her cheeks hurt from smiling.

So then we cut to a jumpy shot of a camera following around some dude in a suit. He says, “I didn’t know anything about this show. I didn’t know it ended in a proposal until someone told me. Then I knew I had to do something. It wasn’t easy to get to her. If I had to swim here I’d do it. If I had to walk through that desert I’d do it. Despite the time and distance between us, she’s the love of my life. She’s the only one I want to spend my life with. We’re soulmates.”

Then said dude knocks on Arie’s door and introduces himself as Ross, Becca’s ex.

So Arie and Ross have a sit down. Ross says, “Obviously this show ends in a proposal, and, uh, for as long I thought about her, that’s my proposal to give her.”

OH, FUCK YOU, YOU ENTITLED SHIT HOLE.

He then tells Arie that they broke up a year ago after dating for seven years. Arie says that he and Becca are “pretty far down the road” and have already told each other that they love each other.

Ross says he’s going to talk to Becca.

In a cutaway Arie says he’s so angry, which is evident by the fact that…no, no it’s not evident. He still has the personality of tepid water. He also says Ross has no class.

Then Ross knocks on Becca’s door and she’s NOT AMUSED.

“No. Like…what are you doing here?” she asks.

“I came to win you back,” Ross says.

“Ross, no. No. How did you know I’m here?” she asks.

“I can tell you the whole story…”

“I can’t fucking do this,” Becca says. “Oh…fucking God.”

“Am I just gonna stand in the doorway?” Ross asks.

“Well, I’m not going to invite you in,” Becca replies.

So then we get Ross vomiting up a bunch of presumptive, toxic masculinity.

You may want to take some Pepto before reading this:

“So I’m just gonna say what I need to say. I know that we had our ups and downs and plenty of setbacks. You’ve been on my mind every single day of this past year, when I haven’t had you with me. Um. When we parted our ways… and we both decided that…it changed. At first it was what I wanted. I wanted you to go live your life and get to the place that you wanted to be at and… No matter what Becca it always comes back to you. No matter where my…where my heart is, it always comes back to you. And nobody compares to you. The intention was to win your heart back. And to do something big and to let you know that nothing, nothing could stop me from getting to you or loving you. I want to marry you, Becca. That was my intention to come to you. I came here for us, and I thought, I don’t know, I just thought it had to be something big.”

So that’s some toxic, manipulative stalker talk.

“I feel like you live your life like a movie,” Becca says. “Like this will end like The Notebook.”

“I thought there was some love in our hearts still,” Ross says.

“No!” Becca shouts.

Then Ross tells her he talked to “the guy,” and Becca is even more horrified.

“This is you inserting yourself into my life and it’s not your place. This is my relationship,” she says. “Oh my God. You are holding onto a shard of hope we had years ago. You can’t see that what we had wasn’t healthy for so damn long. I am not going back to that.”

YES BECCA YES!

“I’m not here to convince you to. I thought I was going to come here and…you would agree,” Ross says.

“But why would you think that? I don’t know why in your mind you would think that?” she asks. “I still wish you the best but it ended for a reason.”

Ross, having just been torn apart by Queen Becca says, “I wish you guys the best. I have no business being here,” and then slinks away.

Becca talks to Arie and tries to explain that she has no feelings for Ross and he was just being a super toxic douche.

Upping the super toxic douche game, Arie says, “This isn’t something I want to deal with when I’m getting engaged.”

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN OVER HER STALKER, YOU HEMORRHOID.

How about this? How about we drop Arie and Ross in the desert and Becca, Kendall and Lauren can spend a week in Peru seeing the sights, drinking, and forging a lifelong friendship? Can we do that? Please?

No. We can’t.

It’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

First Arie and Chris have some bro time. Arie tells Chris that he felt like his date with Lauren was mostly about reassuring her, while his time with Kendall was more light hearted, but he questions if their relationship has progressed as far as the others.

“I will devour you,” Chris hisses, his pupils flickering into cat-like slits.

“Let’s do it,” says Arie.

Cue scary music. Arie walks up to the women where they are assembled in a courtyard. A horse is tied to a tree in the background and it gives Arie serious side-eye.

Arie asks to speak with Kendall alone. He tells her that he has a lot of fun with her, but that he doesn’t think their relationship is progressing. Kendall doesn’t really get emotional and tells Arie that she’s glad he was in her life. He walks her to The Limo of Tears.

“I was so close to that love that I wanted, and to not be able to see what could have been, it’s hard,” she says. “It’s unfortunate our connection happened so late.” She starts to break down. “Why is it so hard for me to do that?”

I find it really telling that the women who are let go blame themselves most of the time (possible exception: Corrine). They never say, “That guy is a moron. He’s boring. He’s got dumb hair and flatulence and I’m going to go be amazing without him.”

Then Arie gives Lauren and Becca each a rose.

Okay, so that’s it. One more week. I just have one more week. I’m going to go to bed now, and dream about Orville and I sightseeing in Peru.

Are you still watching?