Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode 2: Grandpa Cardigan

It’s that time of week when I watch The Bachelor and recap it so you don’t have to put this stuff in your eyeballs.

I’d like to point out that after close scrutiny of Arie, I’ve come to the conclusion that this man is dead inside.

I mean, look at those eyes. There’s nothing in there.

He’ll be happy to let the ABC producers pick this season’s winner because after Emily rejected his Feelings Journal, he’s just got nothing left.

He drew Emily a sweet Manga chronicling their romance and she just shut him down.

There’s been some tittering on the interwebs recently regarding Arie’s age. For the record, he’s 36. It seems that in Reality TV Land, that’s when single people have to go away forever or something. What a crock. Maybe that’s why we got all the promo shots of him walking through the desert. He was headed for The Land of People Over 35 (think Cliffs of Insanity but with more omeprazole and less giving of any fucks). Some of this chatter stems from the fact that Bekah M is only 22, but for the record she isn’t the youngest ever Bachelor contestant. All of this manufactured ageist crap is such baloney. I’m 35, my husband is 48, and we’re living our best lives (except for the part where we watch The Bachelor).

This season we don’t have to sit through four hours of women getting out of limos, so now with most of the Laurens eliminated we’ve moved onto better things.

Better-ish. It’s relative.

On the preview one of the contestants says, “I think someone is going to be crying today.”

Lady, if I was on The Bachelor I’d cry everyday.

Followed by another contestant asking, “How is he going to know who I am? There’s so many of us.”

Flashcards, I’m assuming.

Becca K gets the first one-on-one date, and Arie picks her up on a motorcycle.

“I’m jealous!” one of the women squeals as they all pound mimosas and wait for Arie to fuck off so they can lounge by the pool. If ABC hadn’t taken their phones, they’d all be checking Instagram for sure.

“Oh…you have a motorcycle…yeah. Um. No, that’s good.”

After the motorcycle ride, Becca K and Arie meet Rachel Zoe who I am told is a fashion designer. She has clothes for Becca to try on.

For the record, I hate trying on clothes. Not necessarily because I don’t like my body, but tags and seams and shit feel like bee stings on my skin. Trying on clothes that haven’t been de-tagged and prewashed is a chore. As The Worst Bachelor Contestant Ever I would just lay on the floor and whine until Rachel made me a Snuggie.

After he gives Becca K some clothes, designer shoes and a necklace and earrings (that ABC paid for), thereby turning her into a Rachel Zoe commercial. Arie kisses her while sitting on a beach. Champagne is handy.

Cut to Becca K coming back to the mansion, shopping bags in tow. If ABC was hoping for jealousy among the women, there isn’t any. Suck it, ABC.

On the dinner portion of their date (where they aren’t allowed to eat) Becca K and Arie talk about family, and he gives her a rose saving her from elimination.

We get a second one-on-one date right out the gate, this time with Krystal who keeps referring to herself as a “smitten kitten.”

Arie takes Krystal to his hometown of Scottsdale and they look at old family videos and photos of him. Then they go meet his parents That’s a…great first date…

Krystal says the date was hard for her because she’s not close with her own family, but I’m betting it’s really because no one wants to look at shitty home videos and meet the parents ON DATE ONE. Jesus Christ. They weren’t even drinking. You gotta prep for the first parent meeting with some alcohol. You gotta get all your f-bombs outta your system on the car ride over. You gotta have your best friend on standby if shit gets weird. You might need a “work emergency” to GTFO. You need a strategy.

Poor Krystal.

Later Arie takes Krystal to dinner (where again they aren’t allowed to eat) and Krystal wears a really amazing blue dress that I think might actually be a shirt, but I don’t care because it’s amazing. Krystal tells Arie that her family situation was less ideal than his; her parents divorced when she was young and they didn’t have much money. Her brother, as we learned in the prior episode, has been living on the streets.

“I have a lot of friends with difficult upbringings,” Arie says.

Good to know you relate, Arie. Then we cut to Arie and Krystal dancing to some pop star I’ve never heard of who JUST HAPPENS TO BE THERE.

So then Krystal goes back to the McMansion and the other ladies want to know all the details of their date and she’s like “It was…great…” and they all seem annoyed she’s being vague.

But how do you describe the horror of home movies AND meeting the parents on the first date? There were a lot of mullets in those home videos, guys. Krystal can’t find words for that and they need be respectful of her trauma.

Anyway, then we get the group date which is a demolition derby among fifteen women. Apparently this involves smashing beat up cars into shit and each other.

Annaliese breaks down into tears because apparently she got stuck in a bumper car as a kid…which, I feel bad laughing at anyone’s bad childhood memories, but I snorted water up my nose when she was crying and the other girls finally got her tragic secret out of her and she said, “I like did bumper cars as a kid and I like got stuck.”

I’m an asshole.

Chris Harrison, epic troll, says, “Could this be the first time Arie wins something on a race track?”

Annaliese seems ready to go, telling the camera she feels better now, then she looks off camera and says, “Oh. They’re bringing the fire extinguisher now,” and she starts crying again.

Okay, now I feel legit bad. No one should have to participate in a “fun” activity where fire extinguishers may be necessary. Fuck that guy. She should go have a massage and a long nap.

Seinne wins the demolition derby.

Then it’s on to the after party and a whole lot of booze. Arie is wearing a super grandpa-y cardigan (which, for the record, I would also wear), but combined with the fact that he’s either drunk or exhausted, makes him look even less excited to be there than Chris Harrison. And Chris Harrison is fucking cursed, man.

I tried to find a picture of the Grandpa Cardigan, but its majesty has not graced the internet as yet.

Trust me, though. Arie just wants to nap and write in his Feelings Journal, you guys.

Chelsea tells Arie she’s a mom, and it doesn’t bother him at all. I mean, obviously. A dude in a cardigan like that keeps Werther’s Originals in his pockets just in case the grandkids come over. A man like that puts a crisp five dollar bill in every birthday card. A man like that whittles toy horses on his front porch.

Meanwhile Bibana is pissed that she hasn’t had any alone time with Arie yet, and she storms off set warning the cameras not to follow her.

Arie gives Seinne a rose.

The next night it’s time of the pre- Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Sadly Arie gave up the Grandpa Cardigan for a suit. Honestly, I’m more invested in the future of that sweater than I am in Arie. I would wear the shit outta that sweater.

First up, Arie checks on Brittany because she wasn’t feeling well after the demolition derby. He gives her a “Most Hardcore” gift certificate for the demolition derby. I like to think that wasn’t planned, Arie made it on his own computer, printed it off at the hotel business center, and the producers were like “WTF are you…” as he handed it to Brittany.

Brittany is pretty gracious about it, despite the fact that Becca K got designer shoes.

I just realized that Arie strikes me as the kind of guy who saves all the coupons. I want to see him whip out a coupon on one of his one-on-one dates, emphatic that he can save ABC a “few bucks.”

Before the commercial break, Bibiana says that if she doesn’t get time with Arie “it’s going to be a shitshow.”

WTF do you think it’s been up to this point, Bibiana?

Then Bibiana finally does get time with Arie, and Krystal interrupts them, and Krystal already had her time…

IDK.

Because Krystal has a rose and is safe from elimination, some of the women (Bibiana especially) feel like it’s unfair of her to take time with Arie. I like to think that this is all for the cameras, that Krystal is doing them all a solid so they have some time to down white wine and attack the sushi platter.

Then Chris Harrison enters and announces it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris gives Arie a pep talk.

“Some of them have exceeded my expectations,” Arie says.

“It is time for the dark feasssssst,” Chris hisses.

“What?” asks Arie.

“Nothing,” says Chris.

Then we get on with the elimination. Oh, hey, we actually do have three Laurens left. Okay. Good to know.

Chris Harrison pops out of the shadows to tell us we’re down to the final rose.

THANKS CHRIS.

Bibiana stays, but Jenny, Valerie and Lauren G go home.

Jenny storms out without giving Arie the customary hug, so Arie chases her down to get said hug. Dude, she doesn’t want to fucking touch you. Stop it. Confirming all my theories Jenny doesn’t tell Arie she’s heartbroken but says that she’ll miss her new friends.

HA! KNEW IT!

Sadly you all have to suffer through next Monday night alone as I’ll be lounging on a beach somewhere. I’ll be back the following week, so don’t worry.

So what did you think of tonight’s episode?