Cover Snark: Please, Ma’am. Not on the Exercise Mats

Has it been two weeks already? Did the American Bitchery survive the Thanksgiving holiday? You could probably use some Cover Snark.

Knight of the Flame by Scott Eder. There's a hand on fire and it's holding an extremely tiny sword. Or maybe the sword is standard size and the hand is way too big.

Redheadedgirl: I have a few questions, all related to sword construction.

The hilt of this sword is clearly not long enough or thick enough. It’ll just fly out his hand.

It also means that the balance is all tip heavy which will make the sword hard to control.

ALSO I don’t think the sword wielding hand being YOU KNOW FLAME is good for the sword. You’re gonna fuck up the strength of the blade of it gets too hot.

All of these comments are brought to you by a Forged in Fire viewer. I know things about bladesmithing now.

Elyse: I would think he’s more immediately concerned about being engulfed in flames.

Redheadedgirl: He’s a knight of flame. HE IS THE FLAME.

Sarah: I think the sword is dissolving in his hand. That can’t be good for his knightliness.

Amanda: With the size of his hand, the sword just looks like a fancy butter knife or cheese spreader. And, if that’s the case, I can see where heating it up would come in handy.

Driving Her Wild by Meg Maguire. A hero wearing no shirt and handwraps and the heroine in a matching lingerie set are making out on some vinyl gym mats. Nearby are some free weights and a jump rope, also on the mats. I feel sorry for the person having to clean those mats.

Amanda: The heroine is an MMA fighter, which is cool. But…are they having sex in a gym, because that sounds terribly unhygienic.

Redheadedgirl: Why is she weightlifting in her underwear?

Elyse: Is that a microphone next to the barbell? Or jump rope or…?

I remember how stinky the mats were in gym. Gag

Redheadedgirl: I think it’s a jump rope.

Friction burns are going to be an issue, too.

Sarah: Any trainer who has you box, lift weights, or jump rope in your undergarments is very likely not the trainer you were looking for.

Aveoth by Laurann Dohner. A brooding man with black wings is wearing a sleeveless, open tank that also has a hood. The title is virtually unreadable.

From Liz: I think it’s helpful to be able to read the title. I guessed Hueoh.

Sarah: Huegoh? Hveoth?

Amanda: I think someone asked the author for the title and before they could get it out, they just coughed and went with that.

Sarah: No wonder he looks so grumpy. No one can pronounce his name, and he’s pretty bummed about it.

Elyse: Why is it that he doesn’t need a shirt but he does need 6 zippers on his pants?

The Christmas Wedding Swap by Allyson Charles. A bride is slightly lifting her skirt and revealing that she's wearing two different colored high heels. One red and one green. There also seems to be a dog under there. He or she is wearing a green sweater and screaming into the void.

Elyse: That dog is shocked that her shoes don’t match. Shocked!

Sarah: Is he yawning or yelling at me?

Amanda: Were the shoes part of the swap?

Sarah: Maybe the dog is really REALLY mad he didn’t get a green sweater in the swap.

Comments are Closed

  1. Ren Benton says:

    The hilt of this sword is clearly not long enough or thick enough. It’ll just fly out his hand.

    It also means that the balance is all tip heavy which will make the sword hard to control.

    This is all just a masturbation metaphor, isn’t it? In which case, the flame hand is that much worse.

    PSA: If there’s a burning sensation in your “sword” and you DON’T have hands made of fire, you may have thrust it into some gonorrhea during your last “battle,” and you should seek immediate medical attention.

    Why is it that he doesn’t need a shirt but he does need 6 zippers on his pants?

    Bad Final Fantasy cosplay (points deducted for lack of belts). You can’t see it behind the typography, but one leg of his pants also ends at the knee because Reasons™. The poorly proportioned ghost sword he can’t quite get a hold of is an ancestral relic he hasn’t yet earned the right to wield. It will get bigger and firmer when he can get a good grip.

    I have longstanding questions about clothing acquisition when one has wings. It’s one really, really good excuse for being topless. A shirtless winged firefighter would make some sense.

  2. YotaArmai says:

    Afree careful observation I’ve come up with Aveoth. Which is an anagram for “To Have”.

  3. Lostshadows says:

    If you’re on fire, do you really need a sword, or any other weapon? If I’m expecting a sword fight and a flaming guy shows up, I think I’d just declare him the winner and run for it.

    I think the third one’s title might start with an A, but that’s as far as I’m willing to speculate.

    As for the six zippered pants, best guess, he has a weakness for shiny objects. (I’m still trying to figure out why 90s comics were in love with the tons of impractically tiny pouches look.)

  4. Lora says:

    Dude in the first cover better Stop Drop and Roll.

  5. lunchable says:

    @Lostshadows, I’m no ’90s comic expert, but if what I’ve gathered from the internet over the past few years is true, the obsession with small pouches can be blamed solely on Rob Liefeld (AKA, He Who Loves Pouches But Hates Anatomy).

    Re: the unreadable title, I think I have to agree with YotaArmai and “Aveoth.” Now that that mystery is solved, though…it might just be the tiny picture on my phone, but…it looks like his pants are sagging and he has a belt buckle on his underwear??? (Not a look I would personally go for, but a bold one all the same?)

  6. Zyva says:

    Rapt that “Knight of Flame” shows exactly how my hands feel after mowing the lawn! Thank you weird covers, for being accidentally inclusive of weird genetics?

    Why you would betake yourself straight to medieval role play afterwards though, I canNOT fathom…

  7. Jean Russell says:

    The first thing I noticed about the first cover, is that the sword was –badly– photoshopped in.
    Forged In Fire is a big favorite around our house. I want to get “it will kill” as a ringtone.

  8. Elspeth says:

    Its Aveoth. How do I know? I googled the authors website, where luckily the hero’s name is in the book description. It is from the VLG series with VLG standing for vampires, lycans and gargoyles, who live “in Alaska’s harsh, pristine territories”.

    Now, living in the subtropics I don’t have a lot of experience with snow, but isn’t there a problem with skin sticking to cold metal in very cold weather? Those zippers are perilously close to some very delicate parts of his anatomy.

  9. Zyva says:

    Re Gymnasexics
    It’s “Jump ROPE for Heart”. Not “Bones”.

  10. Megan M. says:

    I’m more concerned about Aveoth’s plasticky chest and why he seems to have webbed breasts.

  11. Zyva says:

    Reckon maybe that dog’s a secret Scrooge: “Bark Humbug!” ??

  12. Kim says:

    I see those gym mats and all I can think of is “Ma’am, how did you get ringworm THERE?” (or perhaps even athlete’s foot . . . neither of which you want on your delicate parts)

  13. Nate says:

    “The hilt of this sword is clearly not long enough or thick enough. It’ll just fly out his hand.”

    but women have always told me that size doesn’t matter – were they fibbing?

  14. hng23 says:

    @Nate: Yes. Yes they were.

  15. hng23 says:

    @Nate: Yes. Yes they were.

    I have read many a novel where the hero’s penis is less than 7 inches never.

  16. Lostshadows says:

    @lunchable He definitely started it, and I guess it distracts from the missing feet, but what’s everyone else’s excuse?

  17. DonnaMarie says:

    You know how they say “If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.”? Been there, done that. Still haven’t lived it down.

    Also the sword isn’t angled correctly for the hilt to be in his hand. Maybe he’s punching it with his fist of fire?

  18. DonnaMarie says:

    Yes, @lunchable, the same overrated Rob Liedfeld whose characters can only be differentiated by their costumes because THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME FACE!! and never had an original idea in his life. No that’s totally not Captain America with a different shield. 20 years and still not over it.

  19. marjorie says:

    I literally let out such a loud bark of laughter at “I think someone asked the author for the title and before they could get it out, they just coughed and went with that,” MY CAT JUMPED.

  20. MelM says:

    So I’m not the only Forged in Fire fan who looked at the first cover and thought that he forgot to put on his glove before the oil quench?

  21. EC Spurlock says:

    @Elspeth, thanks for checking that out. It took some work, but I did figure out the Aveoth (Helps to be a calligrapher). I did wonder what the VLG stood for though. I was going with Very Large Gonads myself. (Which is why he would need 6 zippers.)

    And I think the dog is the wedding planner. “I don’t think you should wear the red OR the green, go with the white peau-de-soie I ordered! And where the hell is the caterer?”

  22. LauraL says:

    The little white doggy is expressing its dismay because popcorn-and-Hallmark-movie-nights are now a thing of the past.

  23. I bet I know what he can lift that barbell with.

  24. Louise says:

    @Jean Russell

    The first thing I noticed about the first cover, is that the sword was—badly—photoshopped in.

    Bingo, that’s it, of course it is. And it never entered anyone’s mind that if you’re going to photoshop in a sword, you need to start with a picture of someone holding something approximately hilt-shaped … not making a tight fist.

    @EC Spurlock

    I did figure out the Aveoth (Helps to be a calligrapher

    Same here: I recognized the A and the (pointless, irritating) pictorial t. And then, armed with this word, I proceeded directly to Google, which depressingly told me that this is no. 7 in a series. How on earth did we miss nos. 1 through 6? Different cover artist?

  25. MaryK says:

    Hard to read font is one of my pet peeves. Mainly because I CAN’T READ IT. I have no graphic arts experience or skills so if it isn’t suitable for business correspondence, I probably can’t decipher it, at least not in any kind of timely manner.

  26. Candy says:

    It looks to me like the knight had a bracelet on. It was flammable. Also, I think it’s a dagger, not a sword. A dagger, even if the hilt is on fire, could be short. I think Knight of Pain would be a more accurate title.

    Driving Her Wild has some issues, at least for me. I do not think weight lifting a valid method of foreplay nor is jump roping. The floor of a gym, even if covered with red cloth, is not my notion of clean.

    Aveoth. I looked it up. I think this is one of the worst fonts I’ve seen. I believe book titles ought to express something. Old fashion of me, but there it is. I like looking at a book cover and the title and then having at least an inkling what the book is about.

    There’s not much to say about The Christmas Wedding Swap. She clearly traded one of her green shoes for the red shoe and the dog. Why she might do this is anybody’s guess.

  27. Liz says:

    I’m so glad that others here have a Forged in Fire habit! It’s one of the few shows that DH and I will both watch.

    And yes, that sword is going to fly out of his hand.

  28. Christine says:

    Ok, I think the couple from the MMA cover could legitimately be at one of their houses. In which case, why not work out in your underwear? I do my evening yoga in whatever I’m wearing to bed. The weights and the jump rope sitting on the blanket make me think safety issue, though. You wouldn’t use either while standing on a blanket, and if they roll over onto the weights they’re going to be sorry.

  29. Kris Bock says:

    Megan M, your comment caused me to zoom in on the Aveoth cover, and either he has a plastic upper chest plate that is painted to look like a chest, or (more likely) the artist did a horrible photoshopping of one guy’s upper chest with the lower torso of another.

  30. Chris says:

    On the Aveoth cover, is it me or is that buckle on his pants really a lock? It looks like a combination lock to me. Which leads to many more questions.

  31. Nicki says:

    Oh how I enjoy these cover snark posts! Both the article and the comments had me giggling and laughing out loud. Thank you all for making my day.

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