I came home from work, kissed the cat and the husband (in that order), ate something, poured a drink, turned on the TV and went “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
The Bachelorette finale is three hours long.
I can’t drink that much on a weeknight.
I wanted to be in bed by nine.
WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME ABC?
WHY?!
Anyway, we’re down to three dudes, Peter, Eric and… um… oh, yeah Bryan. Everyone is in Spain because we’re all here for the vicarious travel. Eric and Rachel spent the night in a Fantasy Suite and probably had sex. I say probably because the cameraman made sure to focus on the rumpled sheets for a really long time, like they held the secrets to the future or something.
Jesus Christ.
Here we go.
Apparently the show is “live” which means Chris Harrison is live from LA but everything else is prerecorded, obviously.
Rachel is going to live-watch the episode with Chris in LA – the most meta viewing party ever.
We open up on Peter and Rachel’s one-on-one date where we ended last week (two weeks ago?).
Rachel laments the fact that Peter keeps hedging on whether or not he’s ready to propose. She says her last relationship lasted five years, but never progressed to marriage and that’s what she’s looking for. Some tears are shed.
Then they open the CREEPY AF handwritten note by Chris Harrison inviting them to spend the night together.
Interestingly, the tradition is usually The Bachelor/Bachelorette offers the contestant the hotel room key if they want to use it. Peter takes the key from Rachel but verbally asks for her consent.
“I want to spend as much time as humanly possible with you. So I will take this [key], and I hope that you will you allow me to take this.”
He makes eye contact while she verbally agrees that yes, she wants to spend the night with him.
Points for Team Peter.
Cut to the next morning where Peter tells Rachel he feels like they’re “an actual couple.”
Rachel clearly really likes Peter and is struggling with his lack of commitment. “Peter has me in my head,” she reflects.
After her night with Peter, Rachel goes on her date with Bryan in Spain’s wine country.
They ride horses though the vineyard, then Rachel drinks a Cersei Lannister sized glass of wine.
Rachel admits (in a cutaway) that she’s still thinking about Peter, and Bryan picks up on her distraction.
Cut back to Rachel and Chris live-viewing. Rachel admits that she struggled with the idea of giving Peter a Fantasy Suite. But then she decided she had to see his – I mean, see this through!
I get it. Yeah, he might be afraid of commitment, but he’s super cute, a fan of enthusiastic consent, and her dog loves him. I’m still betting on Peter to win.
Back to the date. Bryan confronts Rachel about how the date felt weird to him. Rachel reassures him and offers him the key to The Fantasy Suite.
Bryan tells her he loves her and wants to be with her forever.
Cut back to the live-show. “The overnight dates were huge for me,” Rachel says to Chris.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
Sorry, guys. I’m actually sorry for that one.
Rachel says she had a list of questions for the guys in the The Fantasy Suites, including asking about their credit scores and access to health insurance.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison cackles in glee, his lips parched for the blood of innocents. The final contestants are the sweetest fruit.
The dudes stand in an awkward line.
“The only thing I know to do is be true to what I what I want for myself at the end of this, and I want a proposal. I didn’t come here today, I didn’t come here to have a boyfriend. I came here to cultivate a relationship that’s moving toward the common goal of marriage,” Rachel tells them.
Peter looks down at his feet.
The first rose goes to Bryan.
The second rose goes to… Peter (who looks like he might puke in relief).
Chris Harrison comes out to tell Eric he’s going home. IN CASE ANY OF US MISSED THAT.
THANKS CHRIS!
Rachel and Eric spend a moment alone together. Rachel tells Eric that she loves him, but she isn’t in love with him. Ouch.
Eric handles it with dignity. “I’m just going to miss her,” he says as he gets in the limo home. “She was…the one for sure.”
My heart breaks a little.
Then we go to commercial break and the hubs refills my rum and coke and feeds Dewey. When we come back Eric has joined the live show.
They are actually really sweet together. Eric tells her what she did was hard, but she had to do it. He also asks how she’s feeling. He doesn’t seem bitter at all.
Rachel tells Eric that she felt her relationships with Peter and Bryan were stronger.
“My heart was broken. I never felt love in my heart,” Eric says. “And with Rachel, she fulfilled my heart. That’s what I was lacking my whole life. So just want to say thank you for giving me that, and allowing me to receive love from you. Because now I’m a man. I was a boy, and I became a man because I got love now. So now my life really can begin. Thanks to you, lady.”
“You are such a beautiful person, and I’m so glad America got to watch that,” Rachel says.
Back to Rioja, Spain. There’s a lot of piano music and shots of people walking through fields and looking pensively out windows.
For their final date, Bryan and Rachel meet in a field at dawn and go for a hot air balloon ride.
Given my fear of heights, this would be diarrhea inducing. Luckily Bryan’s intestinal fortitude is solid.
Over dinner Bryan tells Rachel that she would be making a mistake by not choosing him, and that he would devastated to lose her.
I would like to point out that at this point we are only halfway through the episode.
Take pity on me, ABC. I have the constitution for two-hour episodes only.
Then it’s time for Peter’s last date. Once again the topic of commitment comes up.
“I’m a little scared going into today,” Rachel admits. “No, I’m a lot of scared going into today.”
They’re in the mountains, at the Monasterio de Valvanera. They talk to a monk, where Peter reiterates how seriously he considers engagement. The monk advises them not to let small disagreements get in the way of their relationship.
“I’m wondering about life, love, everything in between,” Peter muses. “How you been?”
Then Peter tells her that he can see them at football games, at the farmers market, and wine-and-paint nights. WELL, THEN FUCKING PROPOSE PETER.
Rachel is confused.
I am confused.
My husband says she should pick Bryan. We’re not speaking to each other now.
I feel compelled to point out that we were both firmly on Team Don’t Fuck That Guy when it came to Nick Viall.
Finally, Peter tells her that he loves her, but he doesn’t feel ready to propose.
“Asshat!” my husband shouts from the kitchen, where he is getting pickles, the most obnoxiously crunchy snack ever.
Peter tells Rachel he needs more time which… why did you sign up for a three month dating show that ends in marriage? Not that I’m going to admit that Rich is right. Because he’s not. Peter is The One. Rich can eat his fucking pickles and be wrong.
Peter basically wants more time and Rachel wants him to commit. He’s afraid that he if doesn’t agree to propose she’ll leave.
“You’ll be doing it [proposing] out of fear of losing me,” Rachel says.
“We’re not breaking up,” Peter says. “I will make a sacrifice if I have to.”
“I want you to do that because you want to do it,” Rachel says.
“I want do that when I feel like it is the correct time,” he replies.
“And you feel tomorrow is the correct time?” Rachel asks.
“No.”
“Exactly, then don’t do it.”
“But I feel like you are the correct person,” Peter argues. “If that means if I have to show you in what I think is the ultimate way, then I will make that sacrifice. I’m going what against what I believe to show you that I care about you so much, I will not lose you.”
“Don’t,” says Rachel.
“Losing you hurts more,” Peter tells her.
At some point both Rachel and Peter are crying because they both clearly love each other and I’m just open-gullet swallowing rum to make the pain stop.
I message RHG. “Rich is Team Bryan.”
“Leave him,” she replies.
We aren’t fucking around when it comes to Peter, you guys.
Peter colored on the floor with her nephew.
Copper picked Peter. The dog always Knows.
Jesus, how I am so emotionally invested in this?
Someone hold me.
Inexplicably, Peter is so overwrought when Rachel leaves that he has to take off his sweater and wipe his face with it. “What’s wrong with me?” he whispers.
I DON’T KNOW!
We cut back to the live-show. Chris Harrison says, “That kiss…those tears…my preciousssssss….”
“I cried my eyelashes off,” Rachel admits.
Then they bring Peter out from backstage. Mind you, we still don’t know if he got the final rose. Oh, God, I’m speaking the lingo now.
Where’s my rum?
The show makes it sound like Peter and Rachel broke up which further solidifies my confidence that Peter is actually the winner.
Chris Harrison is a Tricksy Hobbitses.
Rachel tells Peter that it wasn’t just about the proposal. She sensed his commitment issues back in Geneva.
When was Geneva?
I literally remember half these episodes.
“I hope you move forward and find what you’re searching for,” Rachel tells him.
Well, WTF. WE STILL DON’T HAVE A WINNER.
Did she choose Bryan? I’m so confused.
HOLY SHIT DID THEY REALLY BREAK UP?
My emotions can’t handle this. I think they really broke up.
I send RHG a message, “COMFORT ME!”
My coworkers are texting me.
WHAT FOUL WITCHCRAFT HAVE YOU WROUGHT CHRIS HARRISON!?
Peter confirms that they did break up, that he asked Rachel if he could reach out again, and she said no.
OMG.
How am this emotionally invested in this?
Apologize Peter! Kiss her! UGH.
I guess this leaves two options. Bryan proposes, or she sets him free like Mr. Tweeters, the bird that lived in Lee’s hair.
Cut to a castle in Spain. Rachel wears a sparkling evening gown.
Bryan arrives by limo holding a diamond ring.
She paces.
There’s Spanish guitar music.
I’m just swallowing rum as fast as I can, imaging why I need to call in tomorrow. “Emotional devastation from The Bachelorette” won’t cut it. My boss is a sixty-eight-year-old dude. Gonna have to go the “Horrific cramps and bleeding” route to get him off the phone quick
“I told you,” Rich says.
“EAT YOUR FUCKING PICKLES.”
“I’ll just be over here being quiet,” Rich says.
“GOOD.”
Bryan approaches Rachel at the top of the castle. There’s a lot of wind and the sound guy is probably not thrilled.
“When I first stepped out of the at limo I knew I was in for the ride of my life. When we first kissed, it was like a chemistry bomb had just exploded,” Bryan says
Isn’t every bomb a chemistry bomb?
“My heart has never been more confused than it has been this week,” Rachel admits. “It’s the damaged connections that have always offered me the chance to run away. This love has been so mature, it’s tested me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. Right here, standing in this moment with you, I see my forever and I see my future.”
Then Bryan proposes and I blankly stare at the screen. Rachel accepts and gives him the final rose.
I’m numb. It’s like one half from the rum and the other half for sadness over Peter’s silver foxness.
RHG sends me a message. “You and Dewey can leave Rich and come live with me.”
Where were will cry into rum because Peter was a dumbass and blew this whole thing and PETER AND RACHEL ARE MY OTP WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?
Fix this Chris Harrison! You said you could “facilitate anything”!
Cut back to the live-show. Bryan comes out and proposes (again).
I’ve moved through the stages of grieving to “Is Peter going to be the next Bachelor? Can we find out before Bachelor in Paradise?” (There is no way I am watching that, btw.)
We get twelve minutes of Chris asking Bryan and Rachel questions while licking his lips. He is clearly gorged on the suffering of viewers and the blood of the innocent.
What did you think of the finale? Are you Team Bryan or Team Peter?
When I saw Bryan was the “winner”, my literal first thought was “Elyse is going to be so pissed.”
Thanks for the recap!
WHY didn’t she pick Peter? He was perfect. He colored with Alistair. They went to the puppy party together. WHAT could she have shared with Bryan that equaled that? I am so too invested in this show.
Also he sorta reminds me of Patrick Dempsey which doesn’t hurt.
Bryan’s hair is too big and he is scary obsessed with his mom. I can’t.
I’m Team Peter, maybe because my only exposure to the show is these SLIGHTLY biased recaps, maybe because I strongly feel marriage, both legally and emotionally, shouldn’t be something you do for lols or on a production schedule a few weeks after meeting, even if those weeks are mutually undivided attention but especially if one party’s attention is split 20 different ways and it’s all in a fantasy world with NO IDEA how the relationship works in real life, and therefore I understand that he might have deep, genuine feelings for Rachel that he doesn’t want to play out in the crucible of this gross spectacle.
On the other hand, Rachel made it abundantly clear from the start her objective was MARRIAGE and she’s done investing her time in men with no guarantees. Do I think this (ANY of this) was the best way to live happily ever after? No. But I respect that she didn’t compromise or sacrifice (or accept the offer from the man to whom what she wanted was “a sacrifice”–Pete, that’s not coming together, that’s not compromise, that’s not teamwork, that’s you acting like a martyr) and achieved her objective. She’s awesome, and I hope it works out for her and what’s-his-name.
*500 bonus words of cynicism redacted*
I had to bail after the 3957th time someone referred to this cheesy reality show with its contrived crises and Minute-Rice love affairs as their “journey.”
@Lora, I said the same thing re Peter resembling McDreamy. I decided he’s gonna be just fine because, in addition to coming out of this looking like the only adult in the room, he’s going to be the next hot like fire doctor on ABC’s new medical drama. Peter wins.
@Ren I am with you so much on that. Yes, Peter you had the most grounded ideas about relationship development/engagement/commitment, but honey you signed up for a reality tv drama about falling in love. And the lady of your desire was never vague, coy or conflicting about her objective. If you couldn’t handle it Mr Too Hot For Words, than maybe you should’ve done like Kenny and asked to go home early.
And that whole spiel about “sacrifice” you just know that would have come up every time they had a disagreement about anything. She would have wanted to go spend the holidays with her family, and he would have reminded her about his “big sacrifice” and she would have had to make an awkward phone call.
Yes, Bryan seems a little too smooth, and he’s a bit too close to his mom, but I bet Rachel’s family could take her. Plus, Rachel and Bryan always seemed to have great chemistry when they were together. Maybe it won’t be a total disaster.
Am I bad for hoping that Peter won’t be the next Bachelor? I think he doesn’t really understand the point or goal of this boondoggle, and as such should just be left to be far too handsome and mature away from the absurdness that is reality tv.
I don’t even watch this nonsense and I loved your recap. Well done, you! You hung in there, even after the rum was gone.
So we get these recaps again next season, right?! I would also take a live tweet, so that I might drink with you….just saying…
I do not watch this show. I do not watch reality TV, but I had to comment to say this recap made me spit out spinach and tofu all over my computer. I was in the middle of eating my lunch when I got to, “Given my fear of heights, this would be diarrhea inducing. Luckily Bryan’s intestinal fortitude is solid.”
LOLOL.
You’ve now helped me understand why people all over my Facebook timeline were freaking out.
Waaaaait. No recaps for Bachelor in Paradise? I understand, but…just gonna go cry into my tea. No Peter, no Bachelor in Paradise recaps….
I was Team Peter until this episode. They did so much TALKING! It was like spinning on a top, I couldn’t stop twitching. Bryan got to the point so I became Team Bryan.
Thanks for the recaps! I am not capable of watching reality shows. I spend the entire time with my hands over my eyes. This was a lot of fun to watch through your eyes. You made it super funny and entertaining! I’m sorry Peter didn’t “win”
That conversation between Rachel and Peter was gut wrenching but also the most genuine conversation I’ve ever seen on reality TV (not that I watch a lot 😉 ). I agree, Rachel and Peter seemed to be in love and he’s been expressing doubts and concerns about his own ability to propose to a woman after 3 months. Especially when we found out that he broke up with the other girlfriend after a few years and for the same reason–couldn’t commit.
I wonder, do the contestants sign some sort of deal in blood with the devil aka Chris Harrison, that says they MUST choose a partner? Because honestly, I didn’t want Rachel to settle for Bryan since she couldn’t get the commitment from Peter. Maybe choose yourself? And then let the stars work out who loves you for you (wine and paint parties, y’all!) or who’s obsessed with you :shrug:
I will certainly MISS your recaps because OMG, you are hysterical. And you and Dewey should give Rich another chance. But only one 😉
I found myself awaiting Tuesday and the write-up. I avoided all the broadcasts with spoilers. Aaaarrrggh. And through it all, yes, I was invested too (and this is just from your recaps!). Yeah, I always want an HEA. Funny that I have no tolerance of love-triangles, but I would somehow care about a love-quadrangle (or love-nth-angle). For me, Peter’s dilemma seemed most real (realist, nah) because he had doubts, and I’d like it to be real, rather than the contrived thing it is: pretty people, pretty places, weird-ass situations. It’s 10am PDT, I need a drink. Thanks Elyse. Cheers!
NOOOOOOOOO! Rachel, what have you done?? Bryan should be foreveralone until he learns to set some healthy boundaries with his mother! Maybe Rachel is just falling on the grenade so that Bryan can’t be the next Bachelor and subject more women (and America) to his mother.
“where he is getting pickles, the most obnoxiously crunchy snack ever.”
False. Carrots are the most obnoxiously crunchy snack ever.
Best pun ever, Elyse!
And why am I reading a recap of a show I’ve never watched? Because…Elyse.
Why is everyone clamouring to have Peter be the bachelor? He was clearly in love, but didn’t want to commit in the time alotted on the show. If he wasn’t ready for Rachel, why would he be ready for anyone else?
Elyse no! I am devastated, devastated I tell you. How will I know what happens on Batchelor in Paradise without your recap every week? BTW – bet you a nickel it doesn’t last w/ Bryan.
PS – I think I love your husband.
I love these recaps (and I don’t even watch the show lol)! I was out last night when it aired and my friend told me Bryan won and my first thought was “Oh Elyse is going to be bummed and very drunk.”
On another note, my roomie from college and I were facetiming the other night and she doesn’t watch much TV but she does watch the bachlorette (no clue why lol) and because of these recaps I was able to have a really funny convo with her 🙂
Living in Madison I was on Team Peter, but I think his concerns were valid and glad that he spoke up about them. He seems to be doing ok. This weekend he’s hosting a “GRAND SCALE Bootcamp and Charity Event!!” here in town. Followed by a VIP brunch that’s supposed to include meeting him one on one along with some of his friends from the show. If I were free that day I’d almost want to go to watch the parade of gals trying to snag him now.
@Ren and @StarlightArcher, I have the same thoughts! On the one hand, good for Rachel for being forthright on what she wanted and not deviating from it (leaving the judgement of whether what she wanted was a good idea or not for another time). And good for her for not letting Peter “sacrifice” himself just to stay. But on the other hand, does she even like Bryan as much as she did Peter?!?!
In my IDEAL world, she asked him to stick around, he proposed anyway, she turned him down and said they should keep dating, and at the in-studio taping yesterday, he asked her to marry him on tv, UNPROMPTED from her or any producers. This is what I want. Why does nobody ask me how to script their liiiives.
Hey Elyse! I think we need a knit along of the next Bachelor! The theme can be “ROSE” – either something rose colored, has rose in the pattern name etc.
It may save your liver. Although knitting while drunk may turn our interesting projects….
I am DEVASTATED by this finale. My only exposure to the show is through those recaps so I was obviously Team Peter, but all the same Bryan was by far the worst of the final three. All I remember about it is lots and lots of mother issues. I hope it all boils down to manipulative editing and he’s actually a wonderful person, but to be honest I’m too cynical to believe that a reality show can lead to twu wuv. Which is why I don’t watch the show and only follow through the recaps, I suppose. All the same, thanks for taking one for the team Elyse, also your husband is Wrong, I hope your liver has recovered after the strain.
@Rachel: “‘where he is getting pickles, the most obnoxiously crunchy snack ever.”
‘False. Carrots are the most obnoxiously crunchy snack ever.'”
Sorry, but it’s my husband eating a handful of Trader Joe’s Old Fashioned Blister Peanuts. I hear that noise and think, THIS is the real test for “Can this marriage be saved?” AKA, “How did I not know this about you 40+ years ago?”
I don’t care about any of the guys, so I have to admit I was hoping Rachel would kick them ALL to the curb, go on Dancing with the Stars, and somewhere along the line meet someone who DIDN’T have a financial motivation for proposing to her.
:/
First off, I have never watched an episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette until I saw your post on episode one. The penguin suit did it for me. You owe my around 20 hours of my life back(I always recorded the episodes and skipped thru commercials.) Last night I got home form work at 9:30 and had to watch because I was sure I would find out who she picked. I had the same thought. 3 hours. Ugh.
I think Bryan was definitely her second choice. I was team Peter all the way but I don’t blame her for breaking up with him.
The Peter/Rachel thing needs to be a romance novel. Heroine chooses the other guy, marries him, and then realizes she made a HUGE mistake, so divorces that guy to go after the one she really wanted in the first place. Of course, there would be a ton of grovelibg inner part because she broke the guy’s heart and he doesn’t know if he can trust her not to do it again. I would read the hell out of that one.
Upon far too much reflection, I think Chris Harrison may be the reincarnation of Count Rugen, and this whole franchise is his newest version of The Machine. Except instead of sucking life, he’s just sucked away one megajoule of Peter’s happiness and sense of self-worth. It’s why he keeps asking crying and/or shell-shocked people how they feel – ‘And remember, this is for posterity, so… be honest.’
As for Rachel + Bryan… yes, she got the engagement she wanted, so she’s not the first Bachelorette to not get a proposal, but from what I saw she is not at all happy. I give it four months, eight if they immediately move to L.A. and spend all their time drinking at semi-famous people’s pool parties, subtracting three weeks for every time Bryan’s mother drops by because she just happens to be in the neighbourhood.
Here’s hoping that Peter stays far, far away from all reality TV shows for the rest of his normal, happy, football, farmer’s market, married-with-children-and-a-lovely-dog life. He seems a decent fellow; I hate to see him cry.
@Rachel I love your metric for their shelf life!
My husband’s take (we watch it on the weekends) is twofold: Bryan is like when Ben was the bachelor and it was like word soup, he talked so much in monologue and none of it was coherent or meant anything. Also, Bryan is not real. So fake.
Now, I’d like to add that I wish we could have seen outtakes from after the final rose where Bryan said typically extreme things like I LOVE THIS COUCH I KNOW I JUST NOW SAT ON IT FOR THE FIRST TIME BUT I WANT THIS COUCH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! and YEAH I GET THAT SHE LOVED THE OTHER GUY BUT DID YOU SEE HOW MUCH THEY PAID ME?/ begins to hunt for change in couch cushions/
Eh, Peter. Why couldn’t he have proposed and just had a really long “get-to-know-you-even-better” engagement? Is that really such a sacrifice? This “AN ENGAGEMENT SHOULD MEAN SOMETHING” is just…ughhhh. Okay, Mr. Committment Issues! Boy, bye.
Bryan was a pill, though, too. Mother-in-law issues are no joke. God bless Rachel in her future with that man and his mother.
I’m… sorry. But I don’t, really don’t get the hang up about marriage. Rachel’s I mean. Why is it so important? Having kids is binding. Heck, sharing a mortgage demands a longer term engagement than marriage!! I think both Rachel and Peter were kinda obnoxiously rigid on their position for people supposedly so much in love (Peter a lot more than Rachel, admittedly) and I can’t help but think the whole affair was whipped up by production.
Okay now I’m going to go EAT MY FUCKING PICKLES!! Lol I love your recaps Elyse. And don’t ever be sorry you became too involved in a cultural phenomenon because to care about a show/book/whatever is SO MUCH DAMN FUN. 🙂
You need a ElyseWatches tag for these.
PLEASE
From my understanding Peter’s friends convinced him to try out for The Bachelorette. I think he was surprised when he was chosen, and then surprised by his feelings for Rachel. I don’t think he was even thinking about a proposal until he got further along in the journey as they like to call it. Peter told GMA that he never even had a girlfriend in high school so he’s clearly a late bloomer.
I remember when Jen Scheft was the Bachelorette, she wouldn’t let her F1 propose precisely because they hadn’t spent enough time together. She wanted to wait until they’d dated in the real world before accepting a proposal.
I get where Rachel was coming from. In the end I think tbey both had too much emotional baggage from past relationships to make it work.
Hmmm.. how upset will Bryan be if she says ‘Peter’ in her sleep…
As soon as I heard who the winner was, I headed over here. Oh Elyse, you’ve made my year with this! Also Team Peter all the way! What in God’s name was Rachel thinking?!
Oh, Elyse! I’m so sorry!
These recaps were so much fun, I didn’t expect them to end like this. It really feels… like the wrong ending to a romance novel. It’s like she settles because her relationships with the guy she really loved didn’t fit tv format. I think she’s going to regret this.
I am Team Elyse. I have no interest in watching this show at all on any level – but I adore Elyse’s recaps!
This. This is exactly how I felt. I was holing my breath for a reinactment of 2009’s Jason/Melissa/Molly drama (when Jason broke up with Melissa on the night of After The Rose, and told runner up Molly he was really in love with her, they ended up getting married and having babies)
Rachael and Peter were clearly in love!! Bryan was a douche, I hated how he talked amongst the guys. Rachel fucked up.
When “I will make that sacrifice” = “propose marriage” dump his ass!