It’s Monday, which means I have a glass of Kraken rum and Coke Zero, a future Tuesday full of regret, and The Bachelorette on my DVR.
Last week was even worse than I expected. Sure the producers usually throw some “characters” into the mix for the first day, but someone went overboard this time.
There was Adam who showed up with a FUCKING PUPPET that looked like him, Adam Jr. There was a guy dressed as a penguin. For no reason there was a guy who would interrupt Rachel’s conversations with other men by vacuuming (he brought the vacuum with him, BTW), there was the guy that listed his job as “tickle monster,” and then there was Whaboom.
If you look up “fuckboy” in Webster’s dictionary, you get a picture of Whaboom. His real name is Lucas, he thinks it’s hilarious to shake his head back and forth super fast while screaming “whhhhhaaaaaaboooooommmm!” and he has a tee-shirt with a picture of himself and #whaboom on it.
I would have strangled someone.
Now it’s time for episode two. Tuesday gonna be like:
The show opens up with Chris Harrison talking to the contestants. He says he hopes they are all there for the right reasons. As previously established, Chris was cursed by an evil wizard, so he can never leave the McMansion and must count roses forever. After thirteen seasons of wandering the McMansion’s hideous gold walls, longing for human contact that isn’t televised, Chris may not be sure what the right reasons are.
If this series doesn’t end with Chris going on a murder spree while murmuring, “We’re down to the final rose,” I’ll be super disappointed.
Now, I was hoping that during the night Lucas/Whaboom had fallen in love with the puppet, Adam Jr, and they had run off to Vegas. Unfortunately my hopes were unrealized and he’s still there, annoying everyone.
The group date is a BBQ at a park with what looks like a delicious spread, Moscow Mules, and a pick up game of football. Then everyone takes a stroll and who is there? ASHTON KUTCHER AND MILA KUNIS.
Whoa. What happened to their careers? Yikes.
According to the couple, their Monday nights are spent with white wine, a vodka tonic and The Bachelor / Bachelorette. That’s kind of sweet, actually.
Anyway, Mila starts by asking who has a job and health insurance.
One of the men says, “You’re setting the bar really low here!”
“Have you seen The Bachelor?” Mila replies.
Mila and Ashton have set up a “Husband Material” obstacle course to test the dudes’ ability to function like adults with a basic level of life skills. It’s actually depressing when I think about it.
Shocking no one, Whaboom fucks up epically.
Hope you have alternate plans in case being Bachelorette-famous doesn’t work out for you, dude.
The first part of the challenge involves changing the dirty diaper of a plastic baby. A lot of the guys have never changed a diaper before and completely freak out. OMG IT’S NOT EVEN REAL POOP YOU GUYS.
Kenny, who is a dad, is all like, “Pffffft I’ve been elbow deep in yellow poop.” Kenny has seen some shit. Literally.
Then the dudes have to unclog two drains. Somehow Whaboom manages to drop his baby in the sink, thereby drowning the doll. For reasons I don’t understand, THE PRETEND DEATH OF HIS SURROGATE CHILD doesn’t immediately lead to elimination. In fact, he wins.
Stoked for his moment in the spotlight, Whaboom approaches Ashton Kutcher and this exchange happens. It was so good I had to watch it three times while cackling:
Whaboom: “I feel like Ashton Kutcher should give us a Whaboom.”
Ashton: “I…what?”
Mila: “A Whaboom. The…whooooo….”
Ashton: “I don’t even know what that is.”
Mila: “It’s the sound he makes.” (She says this with the sort of horrified kindness you’d use to say to a new acquaintance “Um, your dog just had diarrhea everywhere.”)
Ashton: “Uh..the…for what?”
Mila: “Like…excitement?”
Ashton: “WHY?”
Mila: “Just cuz he can?”
Then Whaboom does the whaboom and Ashton looks at him like he’s a fucking idiot.
Ashton: “I don’t even know what that was.”
So during the cocktail party Blake E tells the other guys that he knows Whaboom because he lives with Whaboom’s ex girlfriend and that the guy is just an asshole who wants to be on TV.
YOU DON’T SAY.
While Blake E and Whaboom argue like idiots (“The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs!”–Whaboom) Kenny talks about his ten-year-old daughter and my heart melts. Despite that, Dean gets the group date rose.
Peter gets the first one-on-one date, and Rachel brings along her super adorable floofy dog, Copper. OMG.
They go to–I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP–a doggy pool party. I WANT TO BE THERE RIGHT NOW AND ALWAYS. THIS IS WHERE GOOD PEOPLE GO WHEN THEY DIE.
I’ve had like half a rum and Coke and the doggy pool party is so pure and wonderful I actually tear up.
It doesn’t matter who gets the final rose, Rachel will always have Copper. SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE TRUE LOVE.
Cut back to the McMansion. Chris Harrison announces the participants for the second group date.
DeMario says, inexplicably, “You can either sink with the fishes or you can swim to shore. And we’re gonna see who’s built Ford tough.”
Did you get that?
I feel like you didn’t have time to process that.
So…DeMario doesn’t know how fish work.
I guarantee you he’s not being paid by Ford. He just blindly panicked and grabbed a slogan that he totally didn’t just see on TV (cuz they can’t have TV) and blurted it out.
Please, Jesus, let the next guy say, “Ba-dah-dah-dah-dah I’m lovin’ it!”
We had to pause at this point because I was cry laughing. The more I think about the fish thing, the funnier it gets. Like, maybe he’s been looking at DEAD fish for God knows how long and thinking “That fish is doing a really great job of being a fish. He made it all the way to shore.”
I can’t breathe.
I think we go back to Rachel’s date with Peter but I’m laughing so hard I can’t tell.
Then we’re on to the second group date. The guys are playing basketball and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shows up.
Is this the year of “What random celebrities are part of Bachelor/ette nation?” This episode is better in the “Wait, why are you here?” department than several seasons of Dancing with the Stars.
So there’s some sportsball stuff and I’m all:
So after the sportsballing, a woman named Lexie approaches Rachel. She tells Rachel that DeMario is her boyfriend and she had no idea he was going to be on The Bachelorette until she saw it on TV.
Rachel goes and gets DeMario from the locker room. When he sees Lexie he says, “Who is this?” super cheerfully.
Lexie says, “Karma is a bitch. You still have keys to my apartment you BLEEP.” Pretty sure she said motherfucker, if you’re wondering.
DeMario wants to talk off camera because “this is personal life stuff.”
DeMario goes from “Who is this person?” to “I was sleeping with her but we broke up” to “maybe I didn’t explicitly break up with her” to “I don’t have her keys” to “I mailed you your keys” to “OH LOOK YOUR KEYS IN MY HAND THIS WHOLE TIME HAHAHA.”
It’s a clusterfuck.
Rachel, to her credit, is having none of it. “I’m gonna need you to get the fuck out,” Rachel says. “I don’t like being embarrassed. I can’t even fucking look at you right now.”
She walks off in the style of a woman who looks like she could commit murder or put away a whole bottle of Malbec or maybe both at the same time.
DeMario never owns up to his shittiness or the fact that he doesn’t know that fish have swim bladders.
Rachel lets the other guys know what happened. They make an effort to cheer her up, and Josiah gets the group date rose.
Then it’s time for the cocktail party. While Rachel hangs with the remaining men, DeMario shows back up because he wants to talk Rachel again. He thinks he’s a victim of character assassination even though he admits he “fucked up.” He is clearly that kind of motherfucker who can’t take no for an answer and deserves to be banished from this earth.
Instead security goes and gets Chris Harrison, who is like “DeMario? Have you…come back? WASTING IN MY LONELY TOWER…!”
When the dudes find out that DeMario is back a wave of toxic masculinity pulses through the McMansion. They want to beat him up! He lied! He hurt Rachel! I can smell testosterone and Axe Body Spray.
Then… TO BE CONTINUED!
So what did you think of the drama surrounding DeMario? Are you still watching?
I tuned in just as the ex was spilling to Rachel and it made me wonder how she (the ex) saw DeMarco on Tv since this is recorded and played later. If she saw him in the list of Bachelors then contacted ABC then this was a total set up for ratings. Initially it invoked a heavy eye roll but later I thought it somewhat smart to see how the boys would react to such a thing.
So what are the right reasons exactly? I heard that terms so many times my left side started to twitch.
Then Whaboom does the whaboom and Ashton looks at him like he’s a fucking idiot.
This is the shunning to end all shunnings. Like, if one dudebro on the entire planet was going to join in on a whaaaaaboom!, it would have been Ashton Kutcher, and even he was having none of it.
Maybe next week will be Murder on the Bachelorette Mansion Express, and Chris Harrison will be the last man left alive and unindicted, cackling, “You all thought it would be me, but I’m the only one who DIDN’T stab him!” before retreating through a hole he’s chewed in the wall with Adam Jr. tucked beneath his arm for purposes best not speculated about.
God bless you, Elyse, for doing the Lord’s work & watching these shows so I don’t have to. I will say that you & your Kraken rum have inspired me to reread Jessica Clare’s reality TV romance series. I’m a sucker for “Playing Games,” in particular. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Real Housewives to catch up on…
“You can either sink with the fishes or you can swim to shore. And we’re gonna see who’s built Ford tough.”
I’m dying. Elyse, you are the light of my Tuesdays. I’m so glad this series is back.
The hell? Rachel kicks him out and the producers take him back? So much for no meaning no in with respect to ratings. Who cares how the other dudes react!
Elyse, thank you for taking on the monumental task of trying to make sense of this show. I don’t watch it, but every Tuesday I’m excited to see your recap. I feel so sorry for Rachel at this point, so thank goodness she has a doggy pal when all of these dudes prove themselves to be complete idiots!
And yes, if there was one celeb who could appreciate a “whaboom”, I would have thought it was Ashton Kutcher. The fact that he too is confused and perplexed lifts him in my estimation. I also totally forgot that he and Mila are together IRL now!
I can’t believe I’m relating to Ashton Kutcher but… same, dude, same.
Sharing Issa’s perplexity as to how the ex could have seen DeMario on tv since the episodes are recorded well in advance. Looks like a ratings gimmick.
I started watching last night fully expecting to last maybe 5 minutes, but ended up watching the entire two hours and drinking WAY more wine than is prudent. Worth the blazing headache this morning, though. How cute is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
And speaking of Kareem, this is apparently why they asked him to be on this season:
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/kareem-abdul-jabbar-bachelor-is-killing-romance-america-guest-column-960200
To clarify, I am pretty sure that DeMario was one of the 5 dudes that came out to meet Rachel on the After the Final Rose show after Nick’s season. He was the one with the tickets to Vegas or whatever. So that was like a few months ago and potentially the ex could have seen it and contacted producers and they were still filming so they set it up for max drama.
I somehow totally missed the whole swim with the fishes/built Ford tough comment so this was amazing. That needs to be an animated GIF I think. But hands down one of my favorite moments EVER on this show after something like 80 seasons of watching was courtesy of Rachel: “I’m not here to be played, I’m not here to be made a fool of….so I’m really gonna need you to get the fuck out.” My husband and I were sitting on the couch together and both shouted DAMN!! so loud that it woke up one of our kids.
@Mona The producers didn’t let him in. He literally drove up to the mansion and security stopped him. They then asked Rachel if she wanted to talk to him or have security send him away. They seemed fine with telling him to get lost.
@ Kate. But why did Kareem accept the invitation, if he is so against it?
I have no interest in reality tv, but I follow your recaps religiously. So funny!
@RebeccaA: I’m sure he has some venture to promote that a guest appearance on TV won’t hurt.
I have been a fan of this train wreck for several years and that dog party was hands down the greatest thing to ever happen on any show!
I just don’t understand why Rachel is on this show. She is blatantly too good for these people. BUT she’s so kickass she makes a great role model, and it’s awesome to see that.
@RebeccaA, I missed the second column in which Kareem (sort of) answers that himself (also, as Ren surmised, he has a new book out): http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/kareem-abdul-jabbar-my-journey-bachelorette-critic-guest-star-guest-column-1006560
Why would I watch? This is so much better!
(OK, I really want to pull up the bit where Mila explains “it’s a noise he makes” to Ashton on YouTube or ABC.com or something!)
THAT’S NOT HOW FISH WORK!!! Bwahaha!
I am getting a dog just so I can take him to BarkFest. That was the single best date I have ever seen TV.
Also, Peter and Rachel bonding over their teeth gaps and the power therapy was everything!
But Oh man, Rachel going into lawyer mode and cross-exmanining DiMario was pure tv gold. And his incresingly incoherent explanations were even better. But then she un(rose)ceremoniously tells him to to get the F%^& out was peak tv entertainment! This is my first time ever watching the Bachelorette and I think I picked a winner!
I feel like Ashton Kutcher is all of us.
The doggie pool party is my new happy place. I might actually watch this episode just for the that part.
I might have to find this episode and watch it… just seeing Ashton Kutcher genuinely confused might be worth it. And omg… Yes, if Chris goes on a murdering spree… I wouldn’t blame him.
Also, I keep reading how awesome Rachel is, and I believe it. But why is she on this show? Why can’t people just be single? Blargh.
We need a tip jar for you, Elyse.
DeMario: it’s SLEEP with the fishes. I can’t help you with the Ford slogan.
A Ford, although tough, would obviously sink with the fishes… UNLESS it stayed on shore, thus demonstrating higher cognitive functioning than DeMario (and several of the other dudes), in addition to its toughness.
If Ford can pass a sensitivity challenge, I think it will go all the way and live happily ever after with Rachel.
@Ren Benton – Oh. My. Lord. Chris Harrison’s story needs to be told…who’s the murdered in the mansion?! Is Chris Harrison really like the Wizard of Oz?
“That fish is doing a really great job of being a fish. He made it all the way to shore.”
I’m gonna have to stop reading these while I’m waiting for the kidlet to fall asleep. Had to put my face on my knees, close my eyes, and think of all the laundry that needs to be done to keep myself from howling with laughter.
Thanks for taking these for the team Elyse, keep ‘um coming!
“You can either sink with the fishes or you can swim to shore. And we’re gonna see who’s built Ford tough.” had me howling with laughter until I was breathless so thank you!
And awwww Cooper!
lovelovelove your commentary because I could never sit through these types of shows myself.
Favor please – Can you please tag this review with
“elyse-watches-the-bachelorette” so it shows up with weeks one and three in a search?