Elyse is killing it with the Cover Snark offerings lately. She sent us these classic Woodiwiss covers and naturally, the snark could not be contained.
Elyse: This was the first romance I ever read and it had this cover. He’s missing the lower half of his body, he’s floating, and he’s wrapped in a velour blanket. WTF.
Sarah: He looks like someone. WHO DOES HE LOOK LIKE. This is going to drive me nuts until I can figure it out.
RHG: He looks a little like Pierce Brosnan, yes? IDK, this cover looks a little “sistine chapel ceiling renaissance allegorical painting” to me.
Carrie: RHG, I thought the same thing – “Cover by Michelangelo”. Or, more accurately, “Michelango’s sad, doomed apprentice who has mastered the general technique while learning nothing of style and taste”. Is she wearing a dress or a blanky or what? Is she a mermaid? Where are her legs? How is the top of whatever she’s in stay on?
Amanda: Where they hell are they? Are they in some sort of thicket? On a rocky precipice?
Elyse: This is the second romance I ever read. The hero might be Lou Diamond Phillips. I don’t know where the heroine’s arms are or what she’s wearing.
Sarah: She’s dissolving into something white and kinda messy. WAIT. Is that a euphemism for sex? No, no way. Impossible. Couldn’t be.
RHG: Something…. is not right with how his head is attached to his body. It’s freaking me out. Please make it stop.
Carrie: What is it with this author (or maybe this artist) and mermaids? Is she dead? why is she wrapped in spider webs? I’m going to worry about this cover all night.
Amanda: Everything about this woman concerns me. I can’t even tell if she’s alive.
Elyse: This is the most overt boob-grab I’ve ever seen on a romance cover. Also it was colored in with MS Paint.
Sarah: WHAT IS WITH SHANNA’S BOOBS? How does Woodiwiss describe them? “They were like misshapen, unfortunate grapefruits affixed to her chest with sealing wax”?
RHG: I know her eyes are supposed to be half closed in passion or something, but she looks likes she’s dead.
Carrie: Every single thing about this cover is horrible. The font, the art, the composition, the colors, EVERYTHING.
Amanda: If you look really really closely, you can just make out that she has a jawline. Also, it’s going to take some heavy convincing for me to believe that she’s not made of Silly Putty.
Elyse: That horse is seriously upset by what’s going on.
Sarah: That horse needs a vet. Maybe she’s the vet and she’s beating him with a riding crop for letting his horse get all spotty.
It is kind of refreshing to see the heroine wielding the riding crop on the cover.
RHG: WHAT IS WITH HIS BUTT
Carrie: Is the book about his deformed butt? Also, HEY. Stop messing with that horse, Dude. Yanking on the reins damages the horse’s mouth. Don’t make me come over there. Is Shanna the woman on the horse? Because I like her already.
Amanda: I love this cover so much. I would pay to have it blown up and framed.
Elyse: He’s farting a dove/seagull, there’s a spirit ship, tiny people and a farm are growing out of her ass, it’s orange and fuschia, and clearly he’s trying for cunnilingus but thinks her clitoris in his her belly button. WINNING.
Sarah: What is she standing on? Is she kicking the bird? (Note: that’s not a euphemism.)
RHG: ….is she wearing a mullet skirt?
Carrie: Everything about this cover is awful but only in the most wonderful ways. If this had a unicorn, it would win all the glory forever.
Amanda: This is giving me flashbacks to when I would spend afternoons watching Dirty Dancing on a loop.
Elyse: Every single thing about this cover is upsetting to me.
Sarah: I think I saw this on Etsy.
RHG: …boobs don’t… they don’t… dude have you ever see a woman?
Amanda: Romance. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Elyse: I think this is a commercial for feminine itch/burning cream.
Sarah: They’re dissolving, too! I don’t remember that from the Woodiwiss novels I read.
RHG: Are they being burned as witches?
Carrie: I’m choosing to translate the title as “The Llama of my Flower”. The font makes it look like they are wrapped in barbed wire, which may explain the burning sensation.
Amanda: They’re clearly witches, because they’re melting into something that resembles the consistency of tar.