Book Review

Top 13 Terrible Lines from Chapters 1 & 2 of Grey by EL James

It’s difficult to identify what’s more bothersome about the first chapters of Grey. I was really curious about it because the only parts of Fifty Shades that I liked were Christian’s email messages to Ana. The rest of it was miserable reading for me because I didn’t like being in Ana’s head any more than I liked being in Bella’s. But maybe Christian would be more interesting.

Well, if “interesting” is a cousin to “terrifying,” “horrible,” and possibly “psychopathic,” then, yes. We have interesting. We also have WTF DID I JUST READ. I was live tweeting as I read it, and my horror is all for your enjoyment. I kept re-reading paragraphs because my brain refused to accept them.

So here are the top “best” lines from the first two chapters of Grey, Illustrated with appropriate business man stock art. Since Grey doesn’t actually do any work or business-ing in the parts that I read, it seemed extra appropriate.

 

She has a small, sweet face that is blushing now, an innocent pale rose. I wonder briefly if all her skin is like that – flawless – and what it would like like pink and warmed from the bite of a cane.
Damn.

Frustrated business man biting his grey necktie isolated on white
He’s pink with biting, too! It was meant to be.

 

She gapes at me, and I resist rolling my eyes. Yeah, yeah, baby, it’s just a face, and it’s only skin deep.

I need to dispel that admiring look from those eyes but let’s have some fun in the process!

Sleazy business man with grey suit dipping his sunglasses with one hand on his hip.
Yeah, yeah, it’s only skin deep, baby.

As she grumbles and grows more and more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop. Adeptly used, it can bring even the most skittish to heel. 

 

Full body shot of muscular man with whip and leather glove, seen from the back
He THINKS he looks like this.

 

 

Photo of CREEPY young man with the whip
But, really, he looks like this.

Flaunting my erudition, I quote the words of Andrew Carnegie, my favorite industrialist.

 

Smiling dude bro giving a speech with a high watt smile on his face.
When I flaunt my erudition, it gives me a giant Woodrow! Just wait I talk about synergies and interfacing!

“I have varied interests, Miss Steele. Very varied.” Images of her in assorted positions in my playroom flash through my mind: shackled on the cross, spread-eagled on the four-poster, splayed over the whipping bench. And behold – there’s that blush again.
It’s like a defense mechanism.

Guy facing the viewer in a grey suit and in a desk chair with an open mouthed smile on his face.
Whoa. And I’m totally the hero of this book. Can you believe that shit?

For the record, that quote is on page 9. Chapter 1 began on page 3. She’s been in his office for less than 5 pages when he’s envisioning her that way.

 

“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”
What the hell!
I cannot believe she’s said that out loud! Ironically, the question even my own family will not ask. How dare she! I have a sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her on my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.

 

Truly repellant dude in a mustar dshirt against wood paneling giving a very smarmy thumbs up with his feet on a desk
Desks! That’s what they’re for!

 

I’d forgotten the possibilities that a hardware store could present to someone like me. I mainly shop online for my needs, but while I’m here, maybe I’ll stock up on a few items. Velcro, split rings – Yeah. I’ll find the delectable Miss Steele and have some fun.

Businessman with an ENORMOUS spanner wrench in grey suit pocket
He’s not overcompensating for anything, no, not at all.

Also: “someone like me” means… incredibly scary psychopathic monster, right?

Absentmindedly, she wipes a crumb from the corner of her lips and into her mouth and sucks on her finger. My cock twitches in response.

WE have COCK TWITCH!

Letting her walk ahead gives me the space and time to admire her fantastic ass…. She really is the whole package: sweet, polite, and beautiful, with all the physical attributes I value in a submissive.

 

A business man holding a paper in front of his face with the text checklist
Every successful businessman needs one.

She can’t look at me… this is promising. I select the longer ties. They are more flexible, after all, as they can accommodate two ankles and two wrists at once.

 

Portrait of business man pointing finger gestures, isolated on white on grey background. Concept of leadership and success
“My dick is this big. Really.”

(In the masking tape aisle)
The wider tape is much more effective as a gag. As she passes it to me, the tips of our fingers touch, briefly. It resonates in my groin. Damn!

 

WHO MAKES UP THESE CAPTIONS JESUS STOCK PHOTO PEOPLE ARE WEIRD: Portrait of manager pointing finger gestures, isolated on grey background. Concept of leadership and success
“No, I lied. It’s this big.”

Also: where Ana had “Holy crap!” here we have Damn! And lots of it. And italics. Every time he talks to himself.

 

“Some rope, I think.”
“This way.” She scoots up the aisle, giving me another chance to appreciate her fine ass.
“What sort were you after? We have synthetic and natural filament rope…twine…cable cord…”
Shit – stop. I groan inwardly, trying to chase away the image of her suspended from the ceiling in my playroom.
“I’ll take five yards of the natural filament rope, please.” It’s coarser and chafes more if you struggle against it… my rope of choice.

Douchey-grinning business man showing thumbs up while talking on the phone
I make all the best choices.

 

I can’t just leave. I have to let her know I’m interested. “Oh – and Anastasia, I’m glad Miss Kavanagh couldn’t do the interview.” She looks surprised and flattered.
This is good.
I sling the bag over my shoulder and exit the store.

Man carrying shopping bags over shoulder
See? I like shopping! I’m totally harmless and nonthreatening.

“We’d like to go ahead with the photo shoot for the article. Tomorrow, if that’s okay. Where would be convenient for you, sir?”
In my room. Just you, me, and the cable ties.

 

Confident man in classic grey suit sitting on chair in cabinet
Wait, no. No, I’m not. I’m incredibly fucking creepy.

So there you have it, the most creepy-tastic WTFery parts of the first two chapters of Grey. RedHeadedGirl, because she has a stomach of iron and is constitutionally fortified to take on any arrangement of alphabet letters — including this one — is reading this book for review. She’s a brave one.

Pass the brain bleach.

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Grey by E.L. James

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  1. Louisa says:

    I never read the books because I was listening to a story on NPR about this incredibly popular book I hadn’t yet heard of. They were talking about romance books in general but specifically about FSOG and how bad it was. I thought, well, give this a chance, but then they read excerpts and I felt brain cells dying and threw up in my mouth and wanted to jab my ears with the letter opener to make the incedibly badly written words words that painted scary pictures go away. Then the book and it’s sequels became even more popular and were everywhere and it made me sad.

    Sorry for all the run-on sentences.

  2. chacha1 says:

    Haven’t read, and won’t read, anything by this author. The Bitchery has provided me a clear enough window into just how much WTFness has been perpetrated.

    … the idea that anyone IRL would use “flaunt” and “erudition” in the same sentence, even in internal monologue, is … words fail me.

  3. SandyCo says:

    I can’t stay far enough away from this nonsense, but this post was great! Thanks so much for the entertainment. I’ve never read any book in this series, and I’m proud to say that I never will. I don’t have the patience to tackle drivel.

    I’m sad for the gifted erotica authors whose names should be much bigger than this woman’s – Megan Hart and Roni Loren, just to name two.

  4. Rebecca says:

    Eww…just eww.

  5. Amanda says:

    Dexter seems less creepy than Christian……

  6. Crystal F. says:

    ‘She has a small, sweet face that is blushing now, an innocent pale rose.’

    This is bad. And when I say bad, I mean that I got a ‘brain broke’ in only the first sentence of the FIRST quote.

  7. GHN says:

    Some books are just not worth reading. And I truly, deeply admire the Bitches who actually wade through the dreck to warn us about books like this.

  8. Angie_M says:

    “This way.” She scoots up the aisle, giving me another chance to appreciate her fine ass.

    Am I the only one picturing this woman scooting her ass down the store aisle, like a dog scoots it’s butt on carpet?

  9. Gina Rossi says:

    Surely, SURELY, EL James can’t be serious? Is she having a laugh? I know I am 😀 #confused

  10. […] early reviews or posts about this book, they are quite comical and disconcerting.  Sarah over at Smart Bitches and Trashy Books gave much comic relief by way of memes to the carnal passages, and Scott over at BuzzFeed says he […]

  11. Karenmc says:

    Well, this is more EL James than I’ve ever read before, and ….no. What’s bizarre is that friends of mine, who aren’t romance readers, have read the first three books.

  12. […] And if you love this Fifty Shades post, check out one of our favorite sites Smart Bitches, Trashy Books for the Top 13 Terrible Lines From Chapters 1 & 2 of Grey. […]

  13. Patti says:

    I read all three books and I thought they were ok, didn’t understand the hype or the hate really. From their success, there are obviously millions of people who loved these books and many who probably started reading romance books in general because of this trilogy.

    I love a good snarky review or comment as much as the next gal but some of these comments are pretty mean and remind me of comments non-romance readers make about the books we all love. I know some people feel these books didn’t do traditional romance books any favors but I would hate romance readers to bookshame others they way some people have bookshamed us.

  14. THANK YOU!!!! I see the books as license to hurt, injure, or even kill someone else,,,especially if someone doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing. It’s a whole different world that’s for sure…and this almost 60 year old will stick with the old fashioned way…having their significant other make them feel loved and special and tended to…not hurt and belittled. Bravo for your words.

  15. DidiB says:

    OMG so funny your review with the pictures! well i have struggled thru the first 5 chapters…i thought the first book was weirdly fun because of all the focus on the contract. The second not so much and the third was boring and i started to dislike the heroine for being so weak. i think the problem is that they have taken the silent alpha and made him a kind of hyper chatty and snotty asshole when he should be silent and damaged healed by her love thang. What i do like is that EL James has made more highly sexual writing ok for women to read and admit enjoying. And with everything in the world since it has made so much money – romance is more legit. I think Maya Banks, Sylvia Day or Christine Lauren write way better SEXY books…I like to think of 50 Shades like the “Tron” (the original) of Sci Movies – you watch it now and flinch it is so wooden but hey it paved the way.

  16. Saret says:

    What comes to mind is the quote “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt” Twas better for her to just
    bask in the glory of her fans forever than to write another book to confirm to rest of the world that she really is a bad writer.

  17. Kelly S. says:

    I am so grateful for the stock photos! The text is super icky so the humor helped. RedHeadedGirl, feel free to not review this book. I know I won’t read it & I’m likely to skip the review too.

  18. […] really, they’re nowhere near X-rated. And I much, much prefer the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books collection of the top 13 terrible lines from Grey – I challenge you to get through it without […]

  19. […] really, they’re nowhere near X-rated. And I much, much prefer the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books collection of the top 13 terrible lines from Grey – I challenge you to get through it without […]

  20. […] really, they’re nowhere near X-rated. And I much, much prefer the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books collection of the top 13 terrible lines from Grey – I challenge you to get through it without […]

  21. […] really, they’re nowhere near X-rated. And I much, much prefer the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books collection of the top 13 terrible lines from Grey – I challenge you to get through it without […]

  22. Jackey says:

    Yikes!! Reading your quotes gave me the creeps. This guy sounds like a mysoginist. Wanting to beat, shakle, tie up, and sexually molest a woman he just met is not erotic but flat out abuse.

  23. […] There is at least one post that discusses the worst quotes in the first few chapters. Smart Bitches, Trashy Books lists the top 13 terrible lines in the first two chapters. Even the Telegraph gets into the game. […]

  24. […] lovers sometimes understand with a mysterious instinct for erotic narrative, professional writers often fail to get, and some amateur porn writers stumble upon with […]

  25. Concerned Citizen says:

    The link posted as “was live tweeting as I read it, and my horror is all for your enjoyment.” brings you to a website about Firesticks. (See link below.) Please fix?

    https://sfy.co/

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