C+
Genre: Paranormal, Romance, Science Fiction/Fantasy
Theme: Were/Shifters
Archetype: Billionaire, Chef/Foodie/Bartender
If you’ve ever dreamed of love between a woman and a flamingo, then your wish is granted. The Flamingo’s Fated Mate, the first in a series of novellas about Lawn Ornament shifters, tells of romance between a baker and a millionaire who is also a flamingo shifter. I present the following without judgment, purely for your factual edification:
- No one has sex in the form of a flamingo (lawn ornament or actual).
- The sex that does occur is medium explicit – I’d say barely R-rated.
Now that we have the business out of the way, we can commence to plot. Anita is new in town and trying to establish her bakery business which is named ‘Donut Worry, Be Happy.’ She has been commissioned to provide two thousand cupcakes to the Wild and Wet Charity Gala, and she stayed up all night baking and decorating all two thousand.
Imagine her dismay when she braves a storm to deliver them only to be told by the janitor that the event has been cancelled on account of the terrible weather that Anita just braved. Then imagine her embarrassment when she realizes that the person she assumed was a janitor is actually the extremely rich host of the party.
Frank is an artist who creates one-of-a kind moving sculptures, which he auctions off to high-end collectors. He also makes smaller, cheaper versions of the sculptures which are sold in mainstream stores. As a result, he is, as Anita jokingly calls him, “a gazillionaire.”
Unbeknownst to Anita, he is also a flamingo shifter, and he immediately realizes that Anita is his Fated Mate. No sooner have the two met and established that Frank is a gazillionaire than the power goes out. Frank and Anita are stranded in a big…IDK, charity venue? Is it a hotel? A club? Storm or no storm, seems like SOMEBODY else would be there. But Frank and Anita are all along and they have all night to get to know each other and to figure out what or who keeps making mysterious noises.
In her preface, the author reveals that she first proposed this book as an April Fool’s Joke, and at no time does it take itself too seriously. The plot is barely existent, and the entire situation is silly in the extreme, especially once an owl shifter shows up and hijinks commence. However, the banter between Anita and Frank is truly funny and charming, at least for the first half of the book. Also, Frank writes a terrible poem that charmed me all to bits.
Eventually I thought the banter went downhill – there’s a fine line between silly- funny and silly -corny. At some point Anita and Frank start a game of Simon Says that just never ever ends and I went from liking this couple to wanting to toss them out into the blizzard. But maybe it’s just me.
And then this description happened:
They were stupendous breasts. They were round in all the right places…
What?
What does that even mean?
Is there a wrong place for breasts to be round?
Is it possible that in all the sex scenes I have encountered in the world of literature, this is the worst half sentence I have ever read?
I have spent a truly stunning amount of brain power on trying to unravel this phrase. What the fuckety fuck.
In other news, Frank offers to use a condom and Anita tells him he doesn’t have to because she’s on the pill. Babes, the pill will not protect either one of you from STDs. You’ve known each other for less than 24 hours. Use a condom.
The line about the breasts and some really cringe-worthy smug humor later in the book is causing me to knock this down to a C+, but overall, it’s a sweet, warm-hearted story about nice people with an emphasis on consent and emotional safety. At least 50% of it is funny and cute. There are no stakes here, it’s as cozy as can be. They literally build a blanket fort. If you want a super short, cozy romance with zero stakes that doesn’t take itself seriously and exists merely to amuse and entertain, you could do worse.
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My head cannon for “round in all the right places” and I suppose that I should preface this by saying that a story about a lawn ornament shifter who creates and sells statues sounds incredibly dark, like is that slavery or is he pretending that they’re real or what? My brain is not cozy.
Anyway.
I am afraid it means he is pleased her breasts are attached to her body still. Which is at least better than if he didn’t like that. Because if he wanted them to be rounder, they would have to have been. Uh. Torn off?
I mean, I don’t think of flamingos as violent predators like, idk, herons are. Herons have those murder beaks. I don’t think much about flamingos, it just doesn’t come up in my own life, no judgement on all who have been waiting for just this romance. Birds are dinosaurs, if I remember my Jurassic Park correctly, plus romance novel heroes have tragic backstories as a rule, so. Yeah. Traumatic youth, but he’s one of the good guys, so despite (or because of) what he’s seen as a baby… lawn ornament… he knows it’s wrong when breasts are completely spherical.
So reassuring. I fixed it?
@kkw, thank you I really needed a laugh today and this hit. . . all the right places? Which would not be my breasts, for the record.
Wait he’s a lawn ornament, not an actual flamingo? IDK but that makes it so much weirder and creepier to me. Is it like a Toy Story situation where he comes alive when humans are absent? Is his flamingo form plastic? What are the logistics of THAT horror?
I’ve read this book several times when I’ve needed a cosy, no brainpower required read. I’d agree with the overall review, although I never noticed that round in all the right places line! @kkw and @HeatherM, he is definitely an actual flamingo shifter. He doesn’t shift into a lawn ornament, he just makes them. So, somewhat less horrifying?
But what happened to the TWO THOUSAND cupcakes?
Superb use of spoilers.
So just to clarify: The series is about things that are commonly depicted as lawn ornaments, but the shifters themselves are the THINGS rather than the sculptures of the things? So dude shifts into an avian flamingo, not a plastic flamingo? So what are the other lawn ornaments in the series? A tiny jockey with a lantern, St. Francis of Assisi, a garden gnome, a giant inflatable dinosaur holding a dreidel?
Ah, I apologize for all the confusion! The Flamingo shifter shifts from human to flamingo and back, not into a lawn ornament. His art does not create anything alive in anyway – his statues are just statues. The other two books involve a gnome and an owl shifter (title: Gnome Sweet Gnome) and a cave bear shifter, a troll, and a fae (Title: A Bear in a Birdbath).
To be honest, for me these descriptions (from the book descriptions on amazon) open more questions than they close.
This book was bizarrely awful. No plot, silly not funny, and I have a huge tolerance for the ridiculous. Just no.
@marjorie Now I desperately need a romance with a giant inflatable dinosaur holding a dreidel! Even if they are only the wisecracking best friend rather than a main character. Thanks for the mental image that will stay with me forever. 😉
@diana, I’m with you in wondering what happens to the cupcakes. Plus I now want a cupcake!
I feel like I’m 10 years too late to the shifter trend but seriously WHAT IS UP WITH SHIFTERS? I don’t understand the shifter/mates genre. I mean, even when it’s about wolves or badgers or whatever.
I’m not hating, I just don’t get it. Like Real Housewives or choosing to bake sourdough bread at home or Tinder.