639. RT Rewind: November 2015 Reviews

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello there. Welcome to episode number 639 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, Amanda is with me, and we are going back to November 2015 to take a look at the reviews in that issue of Romantic Times. We have got spanking and small towns and a magazine that seems more targeted towards aspiring writers than readers, which yielded a real mixed bag, but we have some books to talk about; let’s get to it. So many small town contemporaries, so many historicals, so many four-star reviews with word salad, and bonus cat poo!

I do want to issue a mild CONTENT WARNING: in the section where we talk about erotica, there is a very brief and nonspecific discussion of abusive relationships, so please look after yourself.

I also want to thank Claire Andress and Amy Stratton for providing this issue. Thank you, thank you, thank you. These are really, really fun, especially the older ones, and I hope you enjoy this episode.

I will have links to the show, in the show notes to the visual aids, and of course we will talk about all of these books and link to them in the podcast entry as well. Basically, if you want to find some of these books, we can help you out. Go to smartbitchestrashybooks.com under episode 639.

I have a compliment this week, which is delightful.

To Kathy S.: You know that feeling when you find a big container of your favorite candy, and it’s on sale, and you have exact change? That is a feeling you give people when you walk into a room: everything lines up perfectly because you are there.

If you would like a compliment of your very own, or you would like to support this here show, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Members get bonus episodes, a wonderful Discord, the opportunity to be on the holiday episodes, which I’m going to start putting together very soon, so if you’d like to be a part of the podcast and tell us about books you loved and wishes for the future or wishing, wishes for the new year, we’d love to have you! Patreon.com/SmartBitches.

And speaking of podcast, let’s get to it! On with the episode of the reviews from November 2015 in Romantic Times Magazine.

[music]

Sarah: Shall we look at the reviews from November 2015?

Amanda: Yes. I have so many screens open? I’m also doing the classic bisexual thing of too many drinks.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: So I’ve got, you know, my water; I’ve got my iced coffee; if I had a diet soda in this house, I would be sipping on that? Just lots of screens, lots of drinks.

Sarah: I get it!

So, let’s take a look at this magazine. We’ll go over the cover more in ads and features –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – but this is a very interesting cover, ‘cause it’s mostly about Samhain being ten years old.

Amanda: Yeah. I mean, spoiler alert for our, the second part of this RT Rewind: this fucking issue is boring as hell.

Sarah: [Laughs] I also think that is the case, yes.

Amanda: It’s so weird, ‘cause we, we’ve done another 2015 edition, and I remember being like, I loved this one!

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: It reminded me of books that I read, that I enjoyed; of, like, a very particular time in romance, where I was, like, really engaging with romance.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: This one is a fucking Ambien.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, this is so boring! And you’ll, people will see once we get into the reviews that there are so many sections where we’re like, Pass, snooze, these are all four stars: yawn.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Like, I don’t know if there was any one that I was, like, super, super excited about, right? These were all – and the reviews were mostly middle of the road or like four stars, which –

Sarah: You’re right; this is, the reviews are almost all four stars. Like, I think the lowest I saw was, was there, was there even a two? I don’t think there was –

Amanda: There were a couple twos.

Sarah: But, like, every –

Amanda: I think in the Contemporary section, ‘cause that section was fucking huge.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Okay, so this is 2015. We’re in the middle of BDSM and angsty contemporaries with lots of sex, alongside everyone writing small town romance, so there’s a ton of small towns. Here is where I think this magazine issue went wrong, and tell me, tell me what you think of this theory.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Their feature is about Samhain, which is a publisher, and their major articles include Christopher Rice writing erotic romance –

Amanda: Yawn.

Sarah: – Yasmine Galenorn’s series bible –

Amanda: I thought that was a cool –

Sarah: That one was cool.

Amanda: …that one.

Sarah: – and rugby writers writing about rugby heroes.

Amanda: Also flagged that one; thought that one was cool.

Sarah: The ones that you liked and the ones that I liked are the ones that are about books. The articles that are –

Amanda: [Indistinct, laughs]

Sarah: And the articles that are about publishing; getting published; promoting a publisher; promoting an author; that are about, like, being a, a pers-, a, an aspiring author? This, this magazine issue leans so far towards content for aspiring authors that if you’re a reader looking at this for, just wondering what books to read, the reviews are so monotonous, and the content otherwise is not aimed at you. So I think that’s –

Amanda: A lot of –

Sarah: – where this falls short.

Amanda: Yeah. A lot of these reviews gave me the impression of, like, All right, I’m at sixteen hundred words and the word count is two thousand for a paper –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – so, like, how many synonyms can I add? It’s just a bunch of –

Sarah: Fair!

Amanda: – word count word salad of, like –

Sarah: Shall we get into it and start talking about Historicals?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Okay, so here’s something wild about historical romance reviews in this issue for November 2015: there are a whole bunch of historicals, and then there’s historical fiction included, and that means that there’s a review – [laughs] – Isabel Allende got four stars! What is Isabel Allende doing in Romantic Times? So, and the review is very blah.

The book that I picked was on PDF page 28: His Wicked Seduction by Lauren Smith. This book got two stars, so there was a two-star, two-star review. I love this review because I think it does a really good job, and it’s one of the few that actually is critical? This, here’s the summary:

>> Despite loving Lucien for most of her life, Horatia, sister to Viscount Sheridan, believes he views her with disdain, but Lucien, Marquess of Rochester, is endlessly fascinated by Horatia, who is forbidden to him due to his oath as part of the League of Scoundrels.

This was when every titled nobleman in historical romance was part of some organization with a silly name.

>> When the League’s families are targeted by a nefarious figure from their past, Horatia and her family come to Rochester’s house for the holidays, putting her and Lucien in close, constant proximity. Sparks fly; danger lurks. Even in the safe haven, as Horatia and Lucien fall in love, they will have to protect each other from a sinister enemy hell-bent on revenge.

So here’s the review, and I like this review:

>> A promising reformed rake premise is overwhelmed by plotting exposition, multiple unnecessary shifts in POV, and a leading couple who simply aren’t interesting to warrant an entire novel. Indeed, the sagging middle of the book teases at not one –

Amanda: Sagging middle. [Laughs]

Sarah: >> -saggy middle of the book teases at not one but three other potential pairings for future novels, largely because the hero and heroine can’t sustain narrative momentum. Even consecutive crises fail to add urgency to an exceedingly stagnant narrative.

Ouch! But that’s a really good review! Like, I understand what the problem is. This is a, this is probably a book one of a series, and the subsequent couples are all more interesting!

Amanda: Yeah. Sagging middle, stagnant narrative.

Sarah: Yeah. Yikes. We’re not putting that on the cover, are we?

Amanda: No! That’d be a nice little pull quote. [Laughs]

Sarah: Right? [Laughs]

So what, which book did you pick? I mean, there’s a lot of historicals. This is when –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – Cold-Hearted Rake came out –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and there’s a Carla Kelly in here.

Amanda: I picked page 23, The Irresistible Rogue by Valerie Bowman.

Sarah: Valerie Bowman!

Amanda: Four and a half stars, Hot, Regency England. So my biggest gripe is with the plot description, the summary –

Sarah: Hmm.

Amanda: – not necessarily the review.

Sarah: Well, the review is two sentences.

Amanda: Yeah, the review is:

>> Readers familiar with Bowman’s delightful spy thriller series will relish the latest addition with its lively plot, heated sexual tension, surprising twists, engaging characters, and laugh-out-loud humor. Bowman’s latest is another winner.

Just, like, a lot of listing of things.

Sarah: Yeah, these are all meant for quotes on the cover, right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: But the summary –

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: >> It’s been a year since Daphne Swift last saw her husband Captain Rafferty Cavendish.

Sarah: That’s a –

Amanda: >> They wed secretly in order to complete a mission, and Rafe promised Daphne an annulment afterwards. Then he disappeared. While it was true that they shared deep feelings before they were caught up in the spy game, Daphne’s done with espionage and ready to announce her engagement to staid Lord Fitzwell when Rafe reappears. Rafe needs Daphne’s help on one last mission to unmask her brother’s killer. After they catch the murderer, he’ll set her free. Rafe knows Daphne has the fire and courage to see this plan through, but he didn’t realize the innocent, naïve woman could put such a wrench in his plans or be such a temptation.

So I was on board up until that last sentence, because it reminds me of one of my favorite rom-coms, which is Sweet Home Alabama –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – where Reese Witherspoon is still married, and she’s marrying, what is it, McDreamy I think is who she’s marrying in the –

Sarah: I think it is? I think it is, yeah.

Amanda: – movie?

Sarah: It’s been a long time.

Amanda: But she’s still married to, like, her country husband, so she comes back for a divorce. Love that movie; need to rewatch it. And that’s what I thought was happening here, but Daphne is a spy. They got caught up in the spy game; that’s what it says. I’m assuming Daphne is also a spy, because they wed secretly to complete a mission. But then she is described as innocent and naïve, which is, for me, antithetical to being a fucking spy. So –

Sarah: Fair enough!

Amanda: – I just, I was on board, and then I’m like, Wait, what?

Sarah: Daphne’s done with espionage and ready to renounce her engagement.

Amanda: This is how I feel about a lot of romances that write spies.

Sarah: Tell me.

Amanda: Historical, contemporary, whatever. I feel like this problem transcends subgenres, of, even if it’s a heroine who is a spy, there’s always a touch of, like, innocence or naiveté or – I noted a book on sale; oh, it was called Never Blow a Kiss, and it has a spy heroine – it’s a historical – and a lot of the comments from people who read it are like, Yeah, this sounds great, but the heroine feels like she’s too stupid to live to be a spy!

Sarah: [Laughs] Fair enough!

Amanda: And that is my problem! I don’t know why I can’t get a badass spy lady. I don’t know why they have to walk this line of spy, but also, like, you know, delicate little –

Sarah: Flower.

Amanda: – flower.

Sarah: Well, I mean, you know how harsh romance readers can be on the heroine and how, how very, very perfect and how very narrow, and how difficult it is when you write an unlikeable heroine to, you know, to sell that to readers. There are a lot of readers who want as few obstacles of personality in their heroines as possible, and if you’re going to be a spy, you’re going to do some dastardly shit sometimes, and that’s not going to, that’s not going to dovetail well with the expected heroine behavior.

Amanda: I’m at this part of my reading life where the only thing I want is just feral women.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I just want, like, women who are –

Sarah: You should do a Rec League! I would like to read all of the feral women. Please tell me all the, all the recs.

Amanda: Feral women.

Sarah: Do it!

Amanda: I’m tired of, like, so-and-so realizes they’re a secret fey princess and blah-blah-blah. I want conniving, scheming feral women. That is what I want.

Sarah: Maybe we should do a rec, Rec League. Get you lots of recs.

Amanda: Help me out!

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: Go!

Sarah: If you’re curious, by the way, what the Isabel Allende review was, it was for The Japanese Lover, set in the late 1930s.

>> This sweeping, multigenerational saga spends seven dec-, spans seven decades, carefully weaving history into a tale of lasting and forbidden love. Allende creates a tapestry celebrating the enduring power of love, friendship, and healing.

That’s not a review!

Amanda: Do you think she knows that she was reviewed in –

Sarah: I would be shocked.

Amanda: – RT?

Sarah: I would be shocked.

Shall we move on to Mainstream Fiction? I’m really excited to share this one.

Amanda: [Laughs] Yeah, I could tell by the name.

Sarah: I’m really excited about this! I think this is one of those books that could be published now, and I would be like, Yeah, sure. This is Jessica Tom’s Food Whore. Food Whore got four stars. Here’s the summary:

>> Tia Monroe’s Food Studies graduate degree lands her in the wrong kitchen – well, coat closet, to be precise. Her coveted internship with Helen Lansky is awarded to another NYU student, and she is placed at the four-star Madison Park Tavern instead. However, her unexpected encounter with a New York Times restaurant critic might bring her to Helen after all. When Jason Blair of Food Writing coerces Tia into a manipulative plan, will it lead to her dreams or destroy everything she has built?

Jason Blair is the name of a journalist who worked for The New York Times, and he had to resign in disgrace after it was revealed he did not go and report the things that he said that he did. So he was a very, very up-and-coming journalist with a lot of really, like, a lot of support behind him, and he resigned after fabrication and plagiarism.

Amanda: Well, sorry for your background noise. Our shy little boy – he’s not little – but our shy boy, Mr. Toast, loves to spend fifteen minutes in the litter box?

Sarah: M’kay, that’s fine! Look, everyone’s got to take a little, take their time in the toilet.

Amanda: But he, he, like, paws at the walls of the litter box, thinking that he’s covering poop?

Sarah: Oh. No, that’s not going to work. He’s –

Amanda: No, and then Miss Lady will go in and clean it up for him –

Sarah: Whoa.

Amanda: – but he spends a good amount of time just, like…

Sarah: Faffing about? Faffing about in the litter? Yes –

Amanda: He’s the sweetest little boy, but he makes the biggest, stinkiest poops that we’ve ever –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – smelled. He is so sweet, would not hurt a fly, but his only con is his giant, smelly cat poop.

Sarah: We all have a flaw. But here’s why I like the review:

>> Tom’s delectable debut catapults readers into the New York City food scene, complete with out-of-this-world dishes and enough drama to match each meal’s extravagance. The author’s descriptions are incredibly poetic and worthy of their own real New York Times column. Her protagonist’s tale of self-discovery in this exciting industry will engage many readers, several, but several predictable scenarios add some speed bumps. Overall, Tom will leave fans hangry for a sequel.

I think that this could be published now, what with all of the food shows and food, like, food reality television we have? I think this would, this could be published now. You disagree?

Amanda: I think, yes, it could be published now, but in terms of trends? I feel like we’re not on a foodie trend right now. So yes in terms of just general contemporariness? But in terms of trend stuff, it’s not romantasy, so get it out of here.

Sarah: [Laughs] Nice try, me. Nice try.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: What book did you pick?

Amanda: It’s on the same page, so 32, and I picked Christmas at Carrington’s by Alexandra Brown, which got three stars.

Sarah: Yikes.

Amanda: In my opinion, this is a Throw the Whole Man Away sort of situation?

Sarah: I love a good Throw the Whole Man Away book. Like, you just –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – read the summary and you’re like, Yeah, no!

Amanda: So the review is:

>> The second book in Brown’s Carrington series is sweet at times yet annoying at others.

Sarah: Er!

Amanda: >> The interplay between characters is humorous and often meaningful; however, the misunderstandings and poor communication get so frustrating it might cause readers much stress while waiting to see if poor Georgie can sift through the muddle to find the truth.

Sarah: Yikes.

Amanda: So the summary – I’m assuming – yeah, it’s second book, so yeah, this is part of a series. So:

>> Georgie Hart and Tom Carrington are just beginning to settle into their fledgling relationship. Things are going well until Georgie turns on the television and finds herself starring in a reality show about the department store, and Tom knew about it and kept it a secret.

Sarah: No. Absolutely not!

Amanda: Yep!

>> As Georgie –

Sarah: Holy cow!

Amanda: >> As Georgie and her friends attempt to make the best of the situation in order to help the store, the producer’s daughter gets between Georgie and Tom and causes the relationship to head toward rocky ground.

Sarah: I want to know how you set up a reality show in a store and not tell everybody who’s on camera. How do you get away with that? I mean, that –

Amanda: You just filming people without their consent?

Sarah: That seems bad! Dump the guy. He’s terrible. Dump him. All, everything is bad here. Dump him.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So, Teen Scene. Teen Scene is interesting –

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: – because New Adult is inside Teen Scene, but all of the books are just listed with a little italics above the title: New Adult. But they’re all together, because this was also when New Adult was a thing? Like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – there’s an Abbi Glines; there’s a Colleen Hoover. Here’s a thing that I don’t understand: Cecy Robson has a book, PDF page 40, New Adult, eBook, self-published, Once Kissed, four stars. So I don’t, I don’t really care about the review. Here’s the part – I don’t understand how this is New Adult:

>> Tess Newart is tough as nails. She made it through law school and is still enduring her overbearing father’s ways. When she discovers she’s going to be interning for the Philadelphia Police Department and runs into bad-boy cop Curran O’Brien, her memories of their one-night stand make her knees weak. Curran’s partner was almost murdered on his watch, and now he’s stuck with desk duty. In her capacity as an intern, Tess will be assisting him in nabbing the crime boss terrorizing all of Philly.

Absolutely something that you have your interns do.

>> As Tess and Curran’s desire heats up once again, they dodge danger, must keep their hands to themselves and her father at bay.

Okay, what about that is New Adult? Am I missing something?

Amanda: Yeah, it’s weird. So the way I define New Adult, for me personally – I’m sure there is an actual definition on the record somewhere – is that you’re in like a transitionary period between high school and when you’re, like, starting your first job, so it’s kind of like early twenties, late teens, like nineteen to twenty-two. You know, maybe you’re still in college. That, to me, is New Adult, is, like, struggling with a lot of those feelings about being on your own, sort of a…

Sarah: Being a new adult!

Amanda: Adult!

Sarah: Yes, absolutely!

Amanda: But if you’ve been through law school, how old are you?

Sarah: Why are you an intern at the police department if you – first of all, it makes your law school look bad. According to the Wikipedia article, which cites an article from The Guardian written by Briony Chappell, New Adult fiction, like you said –

>> – tends to focus on issues such as leaving home, developing sexuality, and negotiating education and career choices. It’s, it’s a term first coined by St. Martin’s Press with protagonists in the eighteen to twenty-nine age bracket.

Okay, well, first of all, there’s a lot of overlap in that age bracket, because a lot of contemporary romance heroes are still in that age bracket, but those aren’t New Adult. I always thought New Adult had an element of intensity about it because all of the things about coming of age were, are difficult at this time.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So I’m not understanding how this is New Adult. But, I mean, it’s labeled New Adult, and you can call things whatever you want, right?

Amanda: I think we’ve asked this question before, and I don’t know if we’ve received an answer of when you send your book in to be reviewed, are you self-selecting what category –

Sarah: Hmm!

Amanda: – it should go in?

Sarah: That’s a good question.

Amanda: Because we had that one where it was like, we had Inspirational, but then we had, like, an Inspirational male/male romance that wound up in Contemporary. So.

Sarah: Who put it there? Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah, so I’m wondering if you have to self-select, rather than relying on the reviewers to put it where it should go? So.

Sarah: What a strange tension, though, to have a law school graduate interning at the police department with a desk duty guy who she had a fling with, and they’re taking down a crime boss from the police department headquarters, and she’s an intern.

Amanda: Wow!

Sarah: What a strange tension between experience and education and job, job title.

Amanda: Also, I’ve got to light a candle.

Sarah: [Laughs] Do you need some Febreze?

Amanda: This Toast poop is so bad.

Sarah: Is that the subtitle of this ep- –

Amanda: [Indistinct]

Sarah: Is this the subtitle of the episode, Amanda? This Toast poop is so bad?

Amanda: This Toast poop is so bad. I’ll be right back.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I can’t wait to leave this in and have people be listening to this. Like, if you’re driving your car right now, wondering, What is Sarah doing, not taking out the part where Amanda has to light a candle? Well, listen, I just thought you wanted this nice little slice of life of what it’s like when we record. You know, some podcasts will release like the whole, like the whole raw recording with video? This is what that’s like. You know, the, the cat takes a crap and you need to light a candle and, you know, maybe also summon a demon. Or maybe the cat summoned the demon, and Amanda has to take care of the demon.

Amanda: I mean, Brian and I keep these barbecue lighters on our desks for this reason: to light post Toast poop candles.

Sarah: [Laughs] So as a housewarming gift, I know what to get you; you need some candles?

Amanda: I, look, I just subscribed for a candle subscription box that goes out quarterly –

Sarah: Oooh!

Amanda: – as a little present for myself. So.

Sarah: That’s nice!

Amanda: Pumped. Anyway.

Sarah: So –

Amanda: Thanks, everyone, for sticking with me for talking about my cat’s poop for five minutes.

Sarah: I just want you to know, I’m leaving all of this in, because –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – I am feeling a little chaotic today, and I hope that –

Amanda: Cat owners know! You’ll have the sweetest little angel cat, and they just make the stinkiest poop.

Sarah: So whoever’s driving to work, I hope this is, you know, this is where you get to the office and you stop and you think, Wow, I was listening to a podcast about cat poop today, and I –

Amanda: I hope you had your kids in the car. That’s all I –

Sarah: Yep. [Laughs] Hi, kids!

So I do not understand this New Adult title, and it’s actually more interesting than the book that I had originally picked. I had –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I had picked City of Halves by Lucy Inglis, mostly because the last line of the review is:

>> There is nothing new here. Even the tattooed hero is unremarkable.

Like, even the reviewers are fed up! [Laughs]

Amanda: Sad.

Sarah: This novel doesn’t even stand out. Okay! Moving on. What did you pick? I want to hear all about your pick.

Amanda: I picked, on page 36, the Young Widows Club by Alexandra Coutts? Four stars. I’m just a little perplexed.

>> Seventeen-year-old Tam has just joined a club no one wants membership in. She’s a high-school-aged widow.

Sarah: Whoa! Okay. Now, time out: that could be Young Adult! How come this isn’t Young Adult? Okay, whatever. Fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine.

Amanda: >> In this inventive original novel, readers witness Tam’s painful reacclimation to the teenage world she leaves behind when she marries her adolescent boyfriend. The unusual premise keeps the novel feeling fresh and gives us a new perspective from which to consider typical blended family strife. As Tom, as Tam explores the What Ifs that certainly wouldn’t have been open to her if she’d remained married, her guilt, confusion, and grief are portrayed in a relatable, readable, and interesting way.

And then the book’s description:

>> Tam dropped out of high school at seventeen to marry her boyfriend, nineteen-year-old musician Noah. She manages his band –

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: >> …and despite their unconventional situation and lifestyle, a happy newlywed. And it doesn’t hurt that her teenage wedding was a surefire way to get back at her dad and stepmom. But Tam isn’t married long. Noah dies in his sleep weeks after their wedding day –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: Yeah.

>> – and Tam is suddenly left facing the teenage whirlwind she thought she was avoiding in all its good, bad, and painfully confusing glory. 

How is a seventeen-year-old managing a band? But –

Sarah: Again I ask, how come the one that I talked about is New Adult, but this one – oh my goodness, notice that it is labeled, it’s from Farrar, Straus & Giroux, and it’s ages twelve and up? What twelve-year-old is reading this book?

Amanda: I don’t know. I probably would have read it. I was reading, like, Stephen King’s IT at fourteen, which is inappropriate.

Sarah: I mean, fair enough.

So you passed on Inspirational. So the one I picked is kind of astonishing in its brevity. This review is –

Amanda: I saw it. I was like, What –

Sarah: This is three sentences. First of all, all of these books, like Historical, like Teen Scene, four, four and a half, four and a half Top Pick. Like, there’s no range. Everything that was published this month is terrific; you don’t have to worry about it. But here’s the, here’s the whole thing:

>> Amish Christmas at North Star by Cindy Woodsmall, Mindy Starns Clark and Emily Clark, Amanda Flower, and Katie Ganshert.

Here’s the summary. Brace yourselves.

>> Twenty-five years ago, four babies were born in one night with the help of Rebekah Schlabach, the local midwife. Each story centers around one of those babies.

‘Kay, this is a sixteen-dollar book; it’s four hundred pages long.

>> Each author has her own writing style and does a good job of enhancing each others’ stories in this well-put-together anthology.

That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

Amanda: When I first saw it I was like, Is this a mistake?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, there’s not, like, did it get cut off? Or whatever, or maybe, you know, the reviewer started writing it and then got a really bad case of food poisoning and was like, This is all I can do. Here you go.

Sarah: Yeah! Here you go! So that was, that was a big bunch of nothing.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Now we move into Science Fiction and Fantasy, where there is much more interesting stuff, although the books range from three to four and a half star Top Pick. I picked, page 46, Wake of Vultures by Lila Bowen, which Amanda points out that we reviewed on the site, ‘cause she remembers things.

Amanda: [Laughs] I think Carrie was the one who reviewed it and gave it a good review. She liked it.

Sarah: All right! Well, this is a four and a half star Top Pick. This is a really good review? Here’s the summary:

>> Nettie Lonesome has lived most of her life in unpaid, thankless service to a couple she calls Pap and Mam, though they’ve hardly been parents to her. Her brown skin and indeterminate heritage mark her as an outsider in the town of Gloomy Bluebird –

I think we have a winner for name of the episode.

>> – and the only pleasure she gets is the slight sense of community at the Double TK Ranch, where she breaks horses better than any of the men in town.

So she’s a horse whisperer in Gloomy Bluebird.

>> Then Nettie’s whole world is upended when she kills a dark and dangerous supernatural creature.

Er?

>> Now, not only can she see the monsters lurking in plain sight, she’s also been conscripted to fight a child-snatching beast known as the Cannibal Owl!

You weren’t expecting that either, were you?

>> As Nettie takes on the mantle of The Shadow –

Capital T, Capital S

>> – a figure of folklore prophecy, she’ll uncover strange truths about the horrors stalking the West and discover who she truly is.

So that’s a concern.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So here’s the review:

>> Of all the books I reviewed this year, Wake of Vultures’ Nettie Lonesome stands out as the most compelling, well crafted protagonist I have encountered. Bowen gives readers something genuinely special in Nettie. It’s more than the fact that Nettie is a non-white, queer, nonbinary lead. She is all of those things, but she’s also a talented bronc breaker, a resourceful survivor, and a person with expec-, exceptional destiny. Wake of Vultures is a sublime tale that weaves the central questions of identity into an otherworldly quest, blending it with frightening bits of Comanche lore. It shines in its skillful marriage of paranormal tropes with a relatable emotional core. Bowen’s superlative grasp of both character development and worldbuilding elevates a familiar story to mythic heights.

Wow! That’s a good review! And that summary sounds incredible!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And Amanda, there’s a Juliet Marillier novel in here!

Amanda: I know. I, this is the one, I can’t remember if it’s part of a series or not? But the one series that I haven’t read by Juliet Marillier is the Blackthorn series? Is that what it’s called?

Sarah: Yeah, this is Tower of Thorns. Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah, so this is the one series I haven’t read of hers. Books are so good.

So I picked, on page 48, Planetfall by Emma Newman; it’s four stars. I own this trilogy.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: Haven’t read it. [Laughs] I own all three books.

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: I bought them used. I can’t remember who recommended them to me? But I will say the summary in this book does not do the actual book jacket summary justice, in my opinion? ‘Cause I read the summary, and I was like, This makes it sound different than the book itself makes it sound, and what my book friend initially convinced me to pick it up for. So I’ll read this, and then I’ll read the jacket summary, which I have pulled up.

Sarah: M’kay.

Amanda: So the review is:

>> Planetfall is a strange but mesmerizing book in which almost nothing is as it seems. The protagonist is frustrating but fascinating, and the book reads at once like a character study, a mystery, a hard science fiction tale about the survival of colonists on an alien world, and surrealist science fiction about alien life. Above all, this is a novel about the price of secrets.

Now, the summary in the magazine is:

>> Renata Ghali is one of a group of colonists who followed charismatic leader Lee Suh-Mi in an alien wor-, to an alien world. Several ships full of more colonists are lost during the voyage. Twenty-two years later, Ren works with the colonists’ leader Cillian Mackenzie to keep the colony physically, politically, and emotionally stable while Suh-Mi lives in seclusion in a nearby alien structure. When a survivor from one of the vanished ships appears and begs for aid, he threatens to expose Ren’s secrets and turn life in the fragile colony upside-down.

So, fine.

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: But the book description, like the jacket copy on Goodreads, I think makes it sound much cooler and does a better job selling the book, for me personally.

>> From the award-nominated author Emma Newman comes a novel of how one secret withheld to protect humanity’s future might be its undoing.

Sarah: Huh.

Amanda: >> Renata Ghali believed in Lee Suh-Mi’s vision of a world far beyond Earth calling to humanity. A planet promising to reveal the truth about our place in the cosmos, untainted by overpopulation, pollution, and war. Ren believed in that vision enough to give up everything to follow Suh-Mi into the unknown. More than twenty-two years have passed since Ren and the rest of the faithful braved the starry abyss and established a colony at the base of an enigmatic alien structure where Suh-Mi has since resided alone. All that time, Ren has worked hard as the colony’s 3-D printer engineer, creating the tools necessary for human survival in an alien environment, and harboring a devastating secret. Ren continues to perpetuate the lie forming the foundation of the colony for the good of her fellow colonists, despite the personal cost. Then a stranger appears, far too young to have been part of the first planetfall, a man who bears a remarkable resemblance to Suh-Mi. The truth Ren has concealed since planetfall can no longer be hidden, and its revelation might tear the colony apart.

Sarah: Whoa!

Amanda: Lost ships, a stranger appearing claiming to be part of a lost ship, but they’re too young to have been on that ship, but they also look like this creepy leader who led them to the alien planet in the first place –

Sarah: Wow. That’s a lot!

Amanda: That’s a lot. So yeah. I might revisit it, and it looks like the first book is 3.7-ish –

Sarah: Hmm.

Amanda: – but the subsequent books are all over four stars –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – on Goodreads. So.

Sarah: Well, why not?

Amanda: Yeah, why not?

Sarah: Let us, let us know how it is!

So what did you pick in Mystery, Suspense, and Thriller? Which is somehow different from Romantic Suspense.

Amanda: Yeah. As we’ve established. [Laughs] That makes total sense.

Sarah: Sure, absolutely. Story checks out.

Amanda: So Sarah, Sarah mentioned a book called The Stitching Hour, which I almost picked because it has a lot of puns about stitching.

Sarah: Her name is Marcy Singer. Her name is Singer, and she owns a shop called the Seven-Year Stitch. Like, it’s just so cute.

Amanda: And…yeah, the Embroidery Mystery –

Sarah: Yeah, that’s the series.

Amanda: – series. So I almost picked that one. That was what I had down initially?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: And then I found a two-star review on page 55 for a book called Savage Lane by Jason Starr. And this reviewer – Bridget, if you’re still out there – went in.

Sarah: Ohhh.

Amanda: She didn’t even bother to give it a one-star. The review is:

>> Starr’s unsettling and uneven thriller revels in the secrets that lurk behind the most perfect of facades. His characters’ lives unwind amidst an idealistic residential setting that feels increasingly claustrophobic as the scale of violence and recrimination rises. While suitably shocking, this story aims for slice-of-life suburban reality, but lacks the narrative insight to bring readers in. The result is that the unsavory, unstable aspects of these characters obscure their humanity, making their inevitable fall from grace feel more farcical and occasionally misogynistic –

Sarah: Ah!

Amanda: >> – than darkly tragic or moving.

Sarah: Yikes!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay! So these people are all terrible, and we did not like them.

Amanda: That’s what I’m getting. The summary is:

>> Karen Daily is proud of the life she’s begun to forge in the wake of her divorce, but not all of her neighbors are as happy. Mark Berman’s marriage to his wife Deb is all but over, and as they struggle to cope, Mark’s fantasies about Karen begin to intrude on his waking moments.

Sarah: Ah!

Amanda: I know; gross.

>> Meanwhile, Deb is hiding a secret of her own, one that will explode with shattering consequences, changing life on Savage Lane forever.

But yeah, misogynistic, farcical – I was like, Oh boy!

Sarah: Yeah. Why didn’t it get one star?

Amanda: I think we’ve only had like maybe two one-star reviews in the entire, like, RT Rewind series, I think.

Sarah: There have not been a lot, no. It’s, it’s interesting they –

Amanda: I just think they don’t give them!

Sarah: Maybe it’s like, well, you know, if you get reviewed, at least you won’t get one star.

Amanda: Yeah. What did you pick?

Sarah: I picked, on page 51, one of your favorite things: book five of a series.

Amanda: I hate series reviews.

Sarah: Death at the Abbey by Christine Trent is book five of the Lady of Ashes series. It got four and a half stars Top Pick!

>> Book five of the Lady of Ashes series is another winner. Trent uses in-depth historical research and rich details to make the story come alive. The details about the subterranean development the real Duke of Portland built add a tantalizing interest to the story, and his eccentricities add humor.

Here’s the summary, which is why I picked this. So the Lady of Ashes series centers on Violet, who’s a lady undertaker in Victorian England.

>> Undertaker Violet is summoned to the fifth Duke of Portland. She assumes it is because he needs her services in response to a death. The body, however, is that of one of His Grace’s ravens. He is known as the Mad Duke for many reasons, but the death of the raven has created near-panic among his numerous staff, who see it as a harbinger of doom. Violet wonders if it might be true when first one murdered body and then another turn up, and the very shy duke asks her to investigate so there will be no scandal.

So she has to show up and be like, Okay, where’s the body? And he’s like, It’s a bird.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay! But I did look up the series, and I’m wondering if I would like reading it, so I might have to, I might have to read it. Might have to check it out.

Amanda: Yeah, I think the fact that she’s an undertaker is pretty interesting?

Sarah: Isn’t that cool?

Amanda: It reminds – yeah! – it reminds me of the, was it Anna Lee Huber series?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: The…

Sarah: Yes, The Anatomist’s Wife. That’s a good series.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I have really nice memories of reading that series.

Shall we move on to Romantic Suspense, which is somehow different, and everything got four stars, and it’s just two pages long?

Amanda: This one, like, I was pretty close to giving it another pass. I’m like, Eh –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – whatever.

Sarah: Yeah, I, I mean, I get it. There’s not a lot here. Everything, there’s one three-star book for Pamela Clare; everything else is four, four and a half. So what did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked Edge of Danger by Katie Reus?

Sarah: I don’t know if it’s Ray-us or Reese.

Amanda: Katie Ray-us; we’ll go there. Four stars, hot, and I feel like we are in sort of the –

Sarah: Roose [like goose].

Amanda: – romance era where there’s just, you know, a nameless security force made up of, like, seven different dudes, and they’re all getting their own book, and they have hypermasculine names. That’s sort of the era where we’re in. I picked this one mainly because it sets up the half-dozen dudes who will eventually get their own book, and barely touches on what the romance is.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: So the review is:

>> Hang on tight as Reus dives back into the treacherous world of her thrilling Deadly Ops series. Four formerly undercover DEA agents are feeling more than a bit paranoid after their boss is killed and attempts are made on their lives. As always, Reus doesn’t skimp on the passion or action.

That is the review.

Sarah: That’s a book report, and that doesn’t tell me anything!

Amanda: Nope, it doesn’t. And then the summary will probably tell you even little.

>> DEA agent Tucker Pankov is still getting over his last assignment when he hears his boss Max Southers has been killed. Failed assassination attempts, not only on Tucker but Cole, Kane, and Brooks –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – have him very concerned.

Sarah: I’m sorry.

Amanda: I told you! It’s – [laughs] – Cole, Kane, and Brooks!

Sarah: Be like Bob, Jeff, Joe, and Steve.

Amanda: >> Their Top Secret clearances have been revoked, and doctored footage surfaces to make it look like they planted a bomb. This forces the gang to realize they need a direct line to the one man Max trusted, Wesley Burkhart. To get Burkhart’s attention, Tucker kidnaps one of his people, NSA analyst Karen Stafford. At first Karen is angry and alarmed by her abduction –

Sarah: Fair.

Amanda: >> – but –

Yeah! That’s a good feeling to have when you’re abducted.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: >> – but soon realizes that Tucker’s right, and someone is orchestrating an escalating terrorist plot! But does the conspiracy trail lead all too close to home?

That’s it.

Sarah: Wow.

Amanda: I know!

Sarah: That’s a whole lot of blah.

Amanda: …boring!

Sarah: All right, let’s move on to Contemporary. I had a problem with this review on page 66. This is, this is so much small town. So much small town romance.

Amanda: You can tell by a lot of the covers, too, that you see.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Lot of small town. In the ads it’s like people in jeans standing in fields everywhere. So this, the book that I picked, it got three stars. It’s Defending Hearts by Shannon Stacey, who’s a, who’s a great writer, so I don’t understand – this review kind of made me mad. Okay. Here’s the review:

>> The second Boys of Fall novel is a sweet, small-town love story filled with likeable characters. Sassy dialogue between Alex and Gretchen adds a special spark to their scenes, reflecting their undeniable connection, while a strong supporting cast brings the close-knit community to life.

Okay. Here’s where I’m mad:

>> Despite the football-themed cover and backstory, this is not a sports romance but the tale of two thirty-somethings redefining what home means to them as they gradually realize their desires.

Okay, so what is the context for three stars here? The fact that there was a football on the cover and it’s not a sports story? Is that the problem? Because that’s not the author’s fault! That’s marketing! That’s, that’s definitely not anything the author had anything to do with, and anyone writing for this magazine ought to know that. I don’t understand. There’s nothing other than that one line that has any critique! Everything else is positive. This is like a review that I would get, like, on submission to edit, and I’d be like, Okay, everything you’ve said is positive, and yet you’re giving this a low grade. Why? Despite the football-themed cover, this is not a sports romance? Okay, you feel the need to warn people? Like, that’s not, that doesn’t have anything to do with the author or the book! That’s just marketing! Ugh! Anyway, so that made me mad. What about you?

Amanda: I picked, it’s the same page. It’s called In from the Cold by Meg Adams. Two stars, Hot. The review is:

>> The combination of cartoonish, one-note villains, too-good-to-be-true moppets, and a heary, and a hero who misogynistically describes nearly all the other women in the book as “walking clichés” and “living mannequins” –

Sarah: Yikes!

Amanda: >> – grows tiresome long before the plot takes a violent turn in its rushed conclusion.

Sarah: See, that makes sense! I understand why that’s two stars!

Amanda: Yeah. I’m going to spoil the summary for you? The hero is also a single dad to a daughter.

Sarah: Ahhh boy. Yiiikes!

Amanda: So the summary:

>> Drake Driscoll is a clueless single dad, failing miserably at keeping track of his young daughter while trying to land an important account over the holidays. Overwhelmed and overcommitted, he is thrilled to meet Claire, his daughter’s temporary nanny, despite her obvious disapproval. Heartbreak nearly destroyed Claire Iverson’s life, and the last thing she wants is to fall hard for anyone, especially the father of one of the young girls she is caring for.

Sarah: Fair!

Amanda: >> Claire’s affection for his daughter lures Drake away from the glitz and glamour of the holiday parties to quiet, domestic moments of intimacy. However, emotional triggers from their traumatic past relationships nearly derail their love affair before it starts.

I mean, this guy is a jerk and clearly has some terrible views of women.

Sarah: Throw the man away! Don’t make him a romance hero!

Amanda: This guy sounds terrible, and I feel bad for all of the women he has to interact with, daughter included!

Sarah: Moving on to Paranormal. Seriously, it’s two pages. The summary page of Paranormal, everything gets four to four and a half Top Pick. It is deeply boring. Like, just be critical one time. That would be very helpful.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: It would mean a lot to me. So I picked, on page 70, The Single Undead Moms Club by Molly Harper. This is Hot, four stars.

>> Harper writes paranormal romance with clever humor and aplomb, giving boosts to the genre as a whole. Her talents for character-building and creating a unique take on vampire lore are showcased in this latest Half-Moon novel. May the hilarity continue for many books to come.

That is not a review of this book; that is a statement that there is a book in a series and the series is good. This doesn’t do anything for the, for the – like, I don’t know, if I just read that, I wouldn’t know what this book is! Like, there’s nothing about this book; it’s just like, Hey, this series is great, and Harper is good. Like, that’s it? That’s the whole thing? That can’t be enough.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Like, I don’t understand. So not only is it boring, it’s not informative!

Amanda: Well, a lot of, like, paranormal and urban fantasy reviews – spoiler alert: I passed in Urban Fantasy as well, ‘cause they’re just so boring, and I don’t think there were a ton of reviews to begin with –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – in Urban Fantasy. But a lot of these happen to be continuations of the series. Like, the, the book I picked for this section, Heart Legacy by Robin D. Owens, is the fourteenth book in a series –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – and the, the review and summary rely a lot on readers already knowing what the fuck you’re talking about.

Sarah: FamCat, you know, in the clerb we all FamCat.

Amanda: I saw that; I was like, What the fuck is a FamCat?

Sarah: Tell me all about FamCat!

Amanda: FamCat. Robin D. Owens. It’s part of the Celtic Hearts series, I believe. Four and a half stars.

>> For the fourteenth installment of her exceptional Celta series –

That’s what it is, Celta series.

>> – Owens brings back a villainous family from the past, the Yews.

Sarah: That’s Y-E-W, by the way, like the tree, not like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – not like Yu, Y-U.

Amanda: >> – the Yews. In the aftermath of their evil deeds years earlier, the Yew clan retreated to their self-sustaining estate to avoid Celtan society. Building a relationship will not be easy for this hero and heroine, as they are keeping major secrets for differing reasons. FamCats always play a role in these books, but in this instance Baccats is a major confidante – Baccat is a major confidante and conspirator for the heroine.

I don’t know what a Baccat is either.

Sarah: That’s it’s name. That’s the name –

Amanda: What?

Sarah: – of the FamCat.

Amanda: >> Another stellar story from Owens.

Sarah: What – I really feel like this is one of those reviews where you have to really understand a lot about the series in order to understand this review, and it’s not a series where you can enter in at book fourteen.

Amanda: Yeah. And the hero’s name is Draeg Betony Blackthorn.

Sarah: Okay! I mean, there’s also Loridana Valerian Yew. She become D – okay, you’ve got to read this! This is hilarious!

Amanda: Yeah. So the summary:

>> After her second passage –

What does that mean? I don’t know!

Amanda: >> – eighteen-year-old Loridana Valerian Yew should have become D’Yew –

[Laughs]

>> – leader of her family.

D –

Sarah: Amanda?

Amanda: – apostrophe Y-E-W.

Sarah: Amanda? D’Yew understand this review?

Amanda: No!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> But a conspiracy run by remaining family members and a domineering, sentient Residence –

Capital R, by the way –

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Amanda: >> – bully Loridana, bully Loridana into submission. However, Loridana and her FamCat Baccat have a plan! They’re plotting to escape Druida City and flee to a country estate once owned by Loridana’s father. Meanwhile, someone has been instigating attacks on various prominent Celtan families and their children. Draeg Betony Blackthorn has been asked to infiltrate the Yew compound by posing as a stableman to see if they are responsible. But Draeg never dreamed he would find his heartmate under these challenging circumstances.

[Laughs]

Sarah: So we’ve Draeg Betony Blackthorn, Loridana Valerian Yew, D’Yew, and Baccat the FamCat. It’s –

Amanda: Baccat the FamCat.

Sarah: Wow. Like I said, In the clerb we all FamCat.

Amanda: I don’t understand what half of this means.

Sarah: Moving on to Urban Fantasy, I selected this book because I like this series a lot, and I just wanted to talk about it.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: This is One Good Dragon Deserves Another by Rachel Aaron, four and a half stars Top Pick. This is the second book in the Heartstrikers series, which began with Nice Dragons Finish Last.

>> If you love dragons as well as witty urban fantasy laced with humor and danger, then Aaron’s terrific Heartstrikers series is an absolute must-read. One Good Dragon Deserves Another is the follow-up to the fantastic starter Nice Dragons Finish Last, which begins the saga of Julius, the youngest son and cunning – the youngest son of cunning and heartless matriarch dragon Bethesda the Heartstriker. Poor Julius is still failing miserably at being a typical bloodthirsty, vicious, and backstabbing dragon, but ironically, he may be their only hope. Aaron is a truly exceptional storyteller, so do not miss on this wild and astonishing ride.

I don’t think this, the, the, the summary does anything, so I’m just going to skip it. I like this series a lot.

Amanda: [Laughs] Just read Sarah’s review of the series.

Sarah: Yeah! I, I like the series a lot, and I’ve recommended it to a bunch of people, and it’s, it’s kind of like fast-moving, fun urban fantasy with dragons and a lot of psychic and foretelling, where weird things happen, and then like twenty-five chapters later you’re like, Ohhhhh! It folds back on itself in cool ways. But also, every book in this section got four to four and a half stars Top Pick, so there’s really like no range. None range here.

Amanda: No. And there’s not a lot, but there’s like, what, four, five?

Sarah: Six total books. Yeah. That’s it. It’s very, very silly.

Series was also very homogenous. It was all three to four and a half star Top Pick. Like, there weren’t even any twos this month. Everything was wonderful in November, apparently. I picked a Harlequin Presents by Sharon Kendrick, who wrote The Playboy Sheikh’s Virgin Stable-Girl? This is just, I just, I just love how when you go with Harlequin Presents, you’ve really got to go for it, and the thing about Sharon Kendrick is she goes for it. This is The Sheikh’s Christmas Conquest, three stars.

>> Livvy Miller is shocked when Sheikh Saladin Al Mektala shows up on her doorstep asking her to heal his beloved horse.

All right!

>> Years earlier –

Amanda is dying right now.

>> Years earlier –

Amanda: So her other book was, like, Stable-Girl…

Sarah: Stable-girl, where it’s, she’s like, that –

Amanda: There’s a horse theme!

Sarah: Sharon’s a horse girl! It’s all good!

>> Years earlier, Livvy worked wonders healing horses, but that stopped once her fiancé left her at the altar. Livvy’s so desperate to keep her ancestral home –

Amanda: Why? Was her fiancé a horse?

Sarah: I don’t know. What did he do?

>> Livvy is so desperate to keep her ancestral home, she agrees to fly to Jazratan with Saladin and treat his horse. Before they leave, they come together in a night of explosive passion that continues in Jazratan.

I’m probably saying that wrong, but it’s made up.

Amanda: It’s a fictional country.

Sarah: While Saladin and Livvy’s growing relationship evolves organically and the description of her home in England is quite detailed, Jazratan and Livvy’s work with Saladin’s horse need more description.

Look, I will argue with this. If you are reading a Harlequin Presents, you are not reading it for the description of horse veterinary care. You are reading it for the explosive passion and the, you know, whatever’s going on with Jazratan and Saladin. You are not reading for horse veterinary care; you are reading for explosive passion, and that is what you are going to get.

Amanda: What a weird review to get, like, at the end of the line. It’s like, Needed more horse stuff.

Sarah: [Laughs] I know! This was low on horse, and I’m sad.

[Laughter]

Sarah: In the lower left corner of page 78 of the PDF, for the Brazilian’s Nine Months’ Notice by Susan Stephens, this is the, these are the last two lines. This is the actual review, because the rest of it is plot summary.

>> Great chemistry and well written dialogue make an entertaining read. The conversations and interactions are well handled.

What? That –

Amanda: [Indistinct]

Sarah: That, you, that right there is I need to hit two hundred and fifty words. [Laughs] That’s…

Amanda: Yeah! That’s all this, this issue is! It’s like…

Sarah: It really just does not do anything, does it? It’s, the, the, the conversations and interactions are well handled. If someone submitted that to me in a review, I’d be like, You need to explain what this means and give me examples, because that’s just blah-blah-blah; it’s word salad.

Which one did you pick?

Amanda: I also picked a sheikh book.

Sarah: Yay! ‘Cause that’s not problematic!

Amanda: Shackled to the Sheikh.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I know! [Laughs] Shackled to the Sheikh by Trish Morey.

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: I know! I have a lot of questions?

Sarah: I mean, is it, is it about a horse?

Amanda: No, sadly.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: No horses were mentioned in this review.

Sarah: Too bad.

Amanda: >> After finding out her cousin has stolen her inheritance –

Sarah: Ah!

Amanda: >> – money meant to help with her friend’s husband’s cancer treatment –

Sarah: Geeze!

Amanda: >> – Hera Burgess has a one-night stand –

Sarah: Tora. It’s Tora; T-O-R-A, Tora.

Amanda: Tora!

Sarah: Tora! All right, so time out: this is a sheikh book, and the heroine’s name is Tora?

Amanda: Yeah! Interesting.

Sarah: Okay! All right, sorry. I was just –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – my jaw dropped, and I had to go, What?! Okay, so Tora –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – Burgess.

Amanda: >> Tora Burgess has a one-night stand with a handsome stranger. She leaves before he wakes up, only to find that Rashid al Kharim is guardian of the baby girl she’s been hired to accompany to a Middle Eastern country where Rashid has just learned he’s heir to the throne.

Sarah: As you do.

Amanda: It’s a lot to unpack.

Sarah: Yes. Quite a lot going on there, and this is not a big page count, so they’re going to get to it.

Amanda: What does Tora do that she needs to accompany a girl to the Middle East, a girl who already has a guardian that is in the country Tora is in? Why can’t Rashid accompany the baby girl that he is the guardian of?

Sarah: She, and she’s having a one-night stand, but she needs to accompany the baby? Why? What’s the matter? Is something wrong with the baby? Is she a nurse? I don’t know! All right.

Amanda: >> When Rashid pays Tora to become his wife so he can adopt his baby sister –

So the baby girl –

Sarah: Wait, what?

Amanda: – is the sister of Rashid.

>> The close proximity makes them realize that what started as a one-night stand is something more. Though solidly written, Morey’s story ends abruptly, with Tora making some rash decisions. Little development and time are given to her thought process.

And that got three stars.

Sarah: Okay, well, it sounds like she’s really busy, because she’s having a one-night stand, her cousin stole her inheritance, and now she’s got to accompany a baby to a random Middle Eastern country where this guy she just boned is now the heir to the – I mean, she’s got a lot going on! You know what this book needs. Needs some horse.

Amanda: And the, the made-up Middle Eastern country is Qajaran.

Sarah: Oh, fucking yes.

Amanda: Q-A-J-A-R-A-N.

Sarah: Qajaran. So it’s like –

Amanda: Oh, she’s a nanny!

Sarah: …they just say that? That makes more sense!

Amanda: She’s a nanny!

Sarah: Fuck’s sake. This got 3.6 on, stars on Goodreads!

Amanda: I know. It’s part of the Desert Brothers series.

Sarah: Well, I mean.

Amanda: I just have a lot of questions.

Sarah: I have a lot of questions too! And I kind of miss the bonkers-ness of Harlequin Presents. Like, if you wish to depart from reality, that’s where you’re going. You know?

So finally, we have Erotica. Took us a while to get here, and there’s a lot of erotica!

Amanda: We made it! [Laughs]

Sarah: We made it. There’s a lot of erotica, and of course the grades range from three to four and a half stars Top Pick.

Amanda: I picked Tough Enough by M. Leighton. Four and a half stars; it’s on page 85.

Sarah: M’kay.

Amanda: It’s an MMA romance, back when that was a thing?

Sarah: Ohhh boy! That was a thing, wasn’t it?

Amanda: Yeah. So the review is:

>> This is the second installment of Leighton’s Tall, Dark, and Dangerous trilogy, and is guaranteed to knock one’s socks off! Kiefer is the most perfect sexy hero any reader could ask for! And Katie’s prologue sets the pace.

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: >> The dual POVs are easy to follow, and there are a few jaw-dropping moments, along with a few too-hot-to-handle scenes where one may find herself taking notes in the margin.

What?

>> An all-around awesome read.

I don’t know what kind of notes you’re taking. The summary:

>> Katie has gone through much more than a woman could ask for, but she continues to try to stay strong and hides her emotions fairly well. Her career as a makeup artist leads her to work with Kiefer Rogan –

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: >> – MMA champion turned actor, who is pretty much sex personified. Katie keeps her cool, but Kiefer knows that she can easily be swayed into a kiss, or maybe even something more if he’s lucky.

Sarah: Mm.

Amanda: She’s been broken and battered mentally, and her heart aches for something so much more. Could Kiefer, the infamous playboy, be the one to break down all of her barriers and heal her once and for all?

So…about his name, the only Kiefer I know is Kiefer Sutherland.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: But the last name Rogan is interesting –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – given the MMA connection, because Joe Rogan…

Sarah: Works in MMA.

Amanda: – was an MMA/UFC, like, announcer/commentator.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: But I don’t know if that was intentional or not.

Sarah: And if it was, that does not age well, does it?

Amanda: No, it does not.

Also, more about my cats – I know this has been a cat-heavy episode.

Sarah: Listen, this magazine needs cats.

Amanda: So you know when kitties lie sort of like upside-down, and you can see, like, their little teethy points?

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: Stick out of their mouth. I call my cats’ teeth Teefer Sutherlands.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Like, oh, are you showing me your Teefer Sutherlands? And that’s what I think of when I hear the word Kiefer is Kiefer Sutherland and then teef, Teefer Sutherland, which is what I call –

Sarah: Teefer Sutherland, ‘cause he’s got little tiny teeth.

Here’s what jumped out at me about this book: he’s an actor, and she’s a makeup artist. She’s at work! Leave her alone!

Amanda: It’s true.

Sarah: She’s at work. If she’s a makeup artist on your set, quit trying to sway her with kisses, especially if she’s broken and battered mentally. She’s at work; let her do her job; leave her alone.

Amanda: I feel there’s probably still, this still hangs around, but I feel like it’s more in indie self-pubs right now? But there was a string of, like, erotic romance and romantic suspense where the hero has, like, a very physical and dangerous job.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Like, they’re probably carrying a weapon –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – or they’re, like, physically imposing like an MMA fighter –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – who can, you know, do a lot of physical harm. And the heroines are always, like, escaping an abusive situation, and I hate that pairing so much. Just because, like, I don’t know, as someone who has been in a relationship that never got very physically abusive, but was abusive in other ways, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable starting a relationship with a man who was an MMA fighter, who was a police officer, who was, like, a security secret ops guy, and they always have a gun on them. That pairing, to me, just make me uncomfy.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: I don’t like it.

Sarah: Also, I’m curious about this part in the review? A few hot-to-handle scenes, too-hot-to-handle scenes where one may find herself taking notes in the margin –

Amanda: I don’t know what that means.

Sarah: Notes about what? Like, this isn’t possible; his arm can’t do that? And does this guy have three legs? Like, how is this working? Or is it like, Wow, I really want to try this workplace-sexual-harassment-lawsuit-waiting-to-happen? Can’t wait to do that!

You also noticed something brilliant, and I feel like this is the perfect way to end this episode!

Amanda: So yeah, I…skim reviews –

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: – to start with? But there’s a review that starts at the bottom right-hand corner on page 85. It’s called Unsaid by Avery Aster; it’s a male/male erotic romance –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – and the first sentence of the summary –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – is:

>> Blake Morgan III got married when everyone said he shouldn’t to a man his friends had named Missy Limpdick.

Sarah: Oh my God! [Laughs]

Amanda: And I was like, What?

Sarah: Why? Why? Why?

Amanda: Like, that’s awful! That’s – [laughs] – terrible! But yeah, imagine scrolling through a magazine and just seeing the phrase Missy Limpdick jump out at you.

Sarah: Any books that jumped out at you?

Amanda: I mean, revisiting Planetfall maybe?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: But that was it. Like –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – I mentioned at the beginning, this was so boring, and a lot of the reviews and summaries didn’t tell me anything.

Sarah: I feel like so many of the reviews rely on prior knowledge! Which you shouldn’t have to have to read a review! Like, you need to be, like, I need to be able to look at this and be like, Oh, okay, that’s the book. Like, I get it. Like, I don’t understand.

Well, those were the books. Come back in two weeks; we’re going to talk about the ads and features.

Amanda: [Laughs] Tho-, those were the books!

Sarah: Those were the books! They were there. I’m curious if anyone has read any of these, ‘cause it’s recent enough that people remember them; I like that part.

Amanda: But did anyone read Planetfall? Does it sound as cool as it, as I think it does?

Sarah: What about the horse? And, you know, Sharon Kendrick’s and the, and the horse.

Amanda: Yeah, how important is horse, are horse details to you?

Sarah: In your, in your Christmas conquest by a sheikh. I mean, you need the horse details, right?

Amanda: Yeah! I mean, if you’re, if you’re healing horses –

Sarah: We better see the intricacies, man. We need, we need to verify –

Amanda: I want to know more.

Sarah: I want verisimilitude for your veterinary goings-on.

Amanda: [Laughs]

[outro]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. I am curious. We have so many, so many questions. How important are the horse details to you? Do you think Food Whore could be published now, or do you think that’s too dated? I went back and forth while editing, and I’m, I’m not sure I was right, but I might have been, and I’m curious what you think.

I love to hear from you? Like, seriously, very, very much. Because this is a blog, you can always comment on the post for this episode at Smart Bitches. I love it when you do. If you’re in the Patreon, you can comment there, but I would love to hear what you think. You can also email me at [email protected], and if you are feeling so inclined, a review is most appreciated. A few podcast apps beyond Apple have added reviews; like, Pocket Casts now has reviews, so if you have taken the time to leave some stars, thank you. It really, really helps the show, and I really appreciate it.

As always, I end with a terrible joke, and this joke comes from Clay. Hi, Clay!

What did the Goth bring to the barbecue?

What did the Goth bring to the barbecue?

Corn on macabre

[Laughs] It’s more visual than audible, but I love it! Corn on macabre! I love, I just love Goth jokes. Thank you, Clay!

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading! Have a wonderful weekend. We’ll see you back here next week.

If you are in the Patreon, get ready to sign up for holiday episodes. I’d love to connect with you.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[end of music]