486. Sweet Dreams Recap: Princess Amy by Melinda Pollowitz

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Sarah Wendell: Hello there! Thank you for inviting me into your eardrums. I’m Sarah Wendell, and this is episode number 486 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. This week: Sweet Dreams recap of Princess Amy by Melinda Pollowitz. Y’all, this is a weird one. We’re taking a trip back to the early ‘80s, where fiction for teens and pre-teens came with some awful, upsetting messaging, but also fantastic clothing choices, some excellent description of weird children’s parties, and a very good dog.

Now, you know at some point I would probably have to issue content warnings about vintage YA if I’m recapping them, so here we are. TRIGGER WARNING and CONTENT WARNING for assault, jerkwad rich bros, disordered eating, and severe anti-fat bias.

It’s so bad that I am taking out all of the specificity that’s listed in the book when I recap it because it’s hurtful and harmful and I hate it. Remember the perfect size of the Wakefield twins? It’s like garbage like that. So listen: every time it shows up I want you to do something nice for yourself while you’re listening. Maybe you have leftovers. Maybe there’s pie. Maybe you made yourself a really nice cup of tea. Whatever it is, have something nearby to do something kind for yourself, and I will be doing the same as I recap this book.

Hello and thank you to our Patreon community. Without you, this episode would not happen, and you make sure every episode is accessible by making sure it has a transcript too, so thank you!

Hello to Eustace, Maria, Gaynne, Jamie, and Kristel and some of our newest Patreon members. Thank you for joining the community!

If you would like to join as well, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.

I also have an email from the mailbag! This email is from Diane, who says:

“Long time listener, first time correspondent. I just listened to the podcast about the second Sweet Dreams romance (Franny and Ronnie).”

That would be The Popularity Plan.

“I grew up in a Northern California suburb, graduating from a public High School with about 2000 students in 1982. 

“I don’t remember using them, but I’m pretty sure that a ‘theme book’ is a composition notebook, the small, hard-bound books, with lined paper, that still sell for $1 or so. I think I used loose-leaf paper for my notes, but it was 40 years ago, and I’m not positive.

“As to dances, yes, we had live local bands, and it was a major part of the budget for the dance. Dances were put on by different clubs – I wasn’t very active, but I was a member of a group called Cascaids – nominally a service club. We helped out with fundraising for a local mental health organization, and raised some of our own funds by operating the concession stand at football games, doing car washes, and probably some other things. Our annual dance was the Sadie Hawkins dance, but I never went to it, or any other, in high school. Honestly, I probably would have preferred popular songs from a DJ, but the concept of anything related to Disco culture was deeply uncool at that time and place. 

“Anyway, I don’t know if your correspondence has blown up with people answering your questions, but I know that you and most of your staff are younger, so I felt impelled to respond.

“Thank you for the work that you do,

“Diane”

Thank you, Diane, for emailing me, and yes, we are younger, a little bit. I graduated high school in 1993, and we definitely had DJs, but I am fascinated by live local bands. Can you imagine the band scene, like your, you, you and your band are part of the local high school dance circuit? How cool is that?! [Laughs] Thank you, Diane, so much for emailing me.

If you have responses or things you want to clarify or you want to answer some of my questions, especially to this book – y’all, I’m going to need you to email me after this book – you can always reach me at [email protected] or at [email protected].

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Are you ready to get started with Princess Amy? As usual, I start with the cover copy, and then we will move into the cover, which is, if you haven’t seen it, it’s in the show notes – it’s glorious! Here is the cover copy:

“He was handsome and wild, but was he right for her? Spending a month at an isolated summer retreat with her rich relatives didn’t sound like much fun to Amy, but she hadn’t counted on being swept off her feet by a boy as handsome and wild as Guy. His smile and the way he calls her Princess makes her feel weak all over. Is Guy serious or is he just a spoiled rich kid playing with Amy’s emotions? Then there’s Pete. His big hand on Amy’s shoulder gives her a feeling of security and warmth she’s never felt before…”

Ugh.

“…but Pete works on the island; he’s not one of the fast crowd. Two very different boys from two very different worlds, and Amy must choose.”

I love the cover image so much. This is one of the greatest, although there are some that are even better coming up. The photo credit for this goes to Ariel Skelley, who is still active and is a stock photographer and stock videographer based in Richmond, Virginia.

Now, on the cover, Amy is wearing a shiny, green bathing suit or leotard. Given how shiny it is, I initially thought it was a leotard, but it’s clearly a bathing suit, given how much time they spend in the pool. Honestly, I would have killed for a suit as simple as this one when I was a kid. But let’s talk about the dude. I am presuming this is Guy. I don’t know for sure, because he looks so much older than her, and given the excerpt it seems like that’s a deliberate choice. He’s sort of leaning on her in a creepy way? It is a great cover because it communicates a lot, but it’s also just weird enough that you’re like, what is happening here?

So let’s get started with this book, shall we? Ooh, it’s a doozy.

Chapter one: Amy is on a plane, taking off from “hot and steamy O’Hare Airport,” and is changing her watch to Michigan time. She’s on a puddle jumper making endless stops going up Michigan. She does not like flying, and she doesn’t want to be going where she’s going. “I always thought this was a free country, but here I am being forced into spending a month on Mackinac Island with relatives I’m not sure I even like!”

Oh, the drama. So Amy’s going to stay with her Aunt Marcella and Uncle Dick, who, according to Amy’s mother, “have enough money to do anything they want.” Amy had wanted to work in her father’s restaurant all summer, but “no pizzas for a whole month. Her aunt and cousin were always on diets.”

Like I said, I need y’all to have something nice for yourselves because there’s a lot of that crap in here.

Do you like other people’s family drama? Because there is a lot of family drama in the first four pages of this book! Whoo!

Amy wants Uncle Dick to pick her up because even though he’s rich, he’s “normal.” It was her aunt who made sure that the two families only saw each other on Thanksgiving every year. All she cared about were her parties and her shopping trips and her poodle. Amy brushes her hair and straightens her blouse and the plane lands and hooray! Her uncle and her seven-year-old cousin Brandon are there to pick her up! And everything is fine until her cousin Candace – [sad trombone] – is summoned from across the lobby, where she can’t even be bothered to get up out of a chair and greet her cousin.

Here is what it says about Candace’s outfit: “Candace flipped her mane of tawny hair over her shoulders and uncurled herself from her chair. She wore a coral silk shirt…” Ooh! “…topped by a white vest that glittered with tiny bits of coral-colored mirrors.” Wouldn’t that cut your arms? Like, that sounds really uncomfortable. Either way, great outfit.

When they get to the car, Candace is “leaning against the fender, filing her long, coral-colored nails.” Now, I don’t remember how big acrylics were in the ‘80s, but if you’ve got nail polish on your nails and you file them, wouldn’t your nail polish chip? I mean, mine would. Anyway.

Candace’s mom, Aunt Marcella, is throwing a party for Amy, and it’s meant to be a surprise, but Brandon spills the beans. Now, first, what teen wants to be greeted after a long flight with a surprise party? And two, to no one’s surprise, Candace is awful. Amy says that her aunt shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble, and Candace replies, “’Oh, it’s no trouble. Mother does parties all the time for no good reason at all.’” Gosh! “She’d only just gotten off the plane and already she felt rotten.” Well, it can only get better.

Chapter two: Amy loves the scenery. Candace says the trip is a drag. “Who asked you to come to the airport? Who asked for a welcome-to-the-island party? Not me!” There are horse-drawn carriages at the dock because there are no cars allowed on Mackinac Island – which is a real place; I’ll link to it in the show notes. Candace dislikes how slow the carriages are because they have to keep making stops for the fudgies.

“’The tourists here in the summer are all fudge freaks,’ her uncle whispered, ‘so we call summer people fudgies.’ Amy says, ‘Then aren’t you fudgies too, since you live here only in the summer?’” Uh-oh. “Her uncle smiled, but Candace was not amused. ‘We are resorters. Anyone with a permanent summer place here is a resorter.’” Amy figures out she’s a fudgy – and I’m going to laugh every time someone says that – and is all on board with the name because she is very excited about the candy stores.

What is it with shore and resort towns having fudge and salt water taffy everywhere? Why is that a thing? Fudge – salt water taffy I get, but fudge, why fudge?

Either way, it’s very clear early on that her uncle is pretty cool, and Candace is terrible, and Brandon is annoying. Uncle Dick says he’s really glad that she’s spending time with them that summer because they don’t see enough of her, and Amy thinks, “Because my dad has to work for a living and because Mom isn’t fancy enough for Aunt Marcella,” but out loud she says thank you and that she’s “anxious to see what this place is all about.” Okay.

Drama time! They arrive on horse-drawn carriage at a sign that says, in all caps – I won’t yell – “LAKEVIEW POINT ASSOCIATION PRIVATE PROPERTY TRESSPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED.” And there’s a young man!

“A young man wearing a dark green security guard’s uniform came out of the gatehouse and hurried towards the carriage. He had dark, wavy hair and black eyebrows. His eyes were bright blue. Amy took his hand as he reached up to help her from the carriage.

“’My cousin Amy Painter,’ Candace said. ‘Meet Pete Demarest.’

“’Hi!’ Amy said. ‘I’m a fudgy. I’m only here for a month.’”

[Laughs] I like Amy!

So they switch to a different carriage, and Pete Demarest is driving. He’s tall, like her, and this is where we learn that Amy is five feet, ten inches tall. She is a tall girl! Very much taller than me. Pete says welcome, when some guy on a sweating horse charges through a stone arch – what is this place? – and yells, “’Hey, Demarest! Was my sail delivered?’” And Pete nods, but Amy sees him give the rider “a look of pure fury as the horse disappeared.”

The guy is named Guy, Guy Weatherington. Amy’s going to meet him at the party, but right now there’s a boat race and Guy is late.

Candace says that Pete is weird because he never does things with the group, “’…even if he does just work here,’” because he’s always too busy. Uncle Dick gestures to Candace to stop talking and says Pete is a fine young man who has helped his dad run the place for years and is now the assistant superintendent, even though he’s eighteen.

I think Amy’s dad and her uncle are brothers and the wives are sisters-in-law; I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

Anyway, Amy thinks Pete is handsome, and she feels like he noticed her. The island is beautiful and magical, and Amy is feeling a little bit better about her summer!

Then the carriage stops in front of a “huge, gray, flagstone house.” Her uncle immediately heads to the golf club, and Amy goes inside. Aunt Marcella swoops down on her in a cloud of perfume. “’The caterers are going to be late! The flowers have only just arrived! It’s a terrible day!’” So Amy offers to help by making little pizzas as appetizers, but Candace just snorts at her and says, “’Let Mother and Letty handle the food.’” Amy senses that she’s made a social error by suggesting that she make little pizzas, but now I want a little pizza to go with my little pie.

Candace shows her to her room, and her room is gorgeous! It’s green and white with a big window seat with pillows on it. Then the mirror moves and “a busty, cheerful woman” appears in the doorway. This is Letty. All the bathrooms in the house are hidden behind full-length mirrors – which is weird. She leaves towels, offers to unpack for Amy, and tells Amy she doesn’t need to iron a dress for the party: “’It’s a pool party! Just wear a swimsuit!’” Amy did not know this, and Letty says, “’Leave it to her ladyship Candace not to tell you that.’”

Chapter three: It’s party time! Amy wonders what it would be like to have Candace’s body for just one day, but she’s very specific in the measurements, and I am not reading that ‘cause it’s just bullshit and I feel bad for anyone who had to read it before. There is a caterer in a chef’s hat, the grownups will be in the dining room, the kids are by the pool, and Amy is surprised to hear that Candace has ordered prime rib and ham for the pool party. Amy asks if they should see if Letty needs help, and Candace scoffs at her again. “’This is supposed to be your vacation, Amy, so just relax. Letty is paid well to take care of things.’”

Candace’s boyfriend Willy arrives. He has the hairiest chest that Amy had ever seen, and he is in swim trunks that perfectly match Candace’s coral bikini. They have three matching sets now, Candace says. She begrudgingly introduces Amy to Willy, and then another girl named Betsy Talbert joins them, but she barely smiles at Amy and then starts whispering in Candace’s ear in front of everybody.

Willy invites Amy over to the buffet, and she fills a plate because she is starving, and then the other girls, including this new person named Gina, show up and side-eye Amy’s plate with disapproval while convincing each other not to eat anything but salad, if that. Food-shaming and body-shaming, and it’s only chapter three.

Candace has tried to get Betsy back together with Guy, the guy on the horse and they’re off whispering together. Gina says, “’Don’t mind them; they’re plotting,’” and also says they’re one big happy family. And if anyone ever says to you that the thing that you are joining is One Big Happy Family, it’s a really good sign to run the opposite direction.

Amy stops eating because Gina finishes her meal, and honestly, I am debating how much of these little moments to include, because I don’t want to make you feel bad. They make me feel bad, and I was just reading this book. Anyway.

So Guy’s boat arrives. It’s a very big, very expensive sailboat, and he docks it at the Painters’ dock. Guy, according to Gina, is “a bit of a character, but he’s basically okay.”

This, coupled with the Big Happy Family, makes me want to remove Amy from this book, and it’s way too early for that to happen. This is not a great, great endorsement of the Big Happy Family. He’s basically okay?

There are also two other dudes named James and Alec, and Amy whispers that Guy is handsome enough for the movies. Gina points out that Guy is ignoring Betsy again. Betsy is fluttering around Guy, carrying his drink and his silverware for him, and I would say that what happens right now is the weirdest thing in this book, but I don’t think it is the weirdest thing in this book. Y’all are, y’all are just not going to believe this, okay? So strap in. [Laughs]

So Gina catches Guy’s attention at Amy’s table, and he greets Betsy by saying, “’Hey, slave, a new lady in town and no one informs me?’” And Gina introduces Amy to Guy and calls him the Mighty Grand Master while Betsy slams down Guy’s punch so it spills, dumps his silverware in his lap, glares at Amy, and stomps away. Guy calls out, “’Temper, temper!’” and then Guy asks Gina if Amy would be perfect for the princess or for the Joan of Arc type, and Gina says, “’I don’t know; you’re the dungeon master,’” and Guy says, “’The princess, then. I’ve been waiting for someone to rescue all summer!’” And when Amy is like, what are you talking about? this is what it says – [laughs] – all right – [clears throat]:

“’Oh, it’s his version of Dungeons & Dragons,’ Gina said. ‘Last year we played it with paper and pencil, the way the game’s meant to be played, but this year Guy wanted to make it livelier.’

“’So all the kids play a part,’ Guy said. ‘We have clerics and wizards and soldiers and henchmen and a few damsels in distress, but no princess. Not till today.’

“’What do I have to do?’ Amy asks.

“’Live dangerously,’ Guy said. ‘Seduce sailors onto the rocks so I can move in with my henchmen and capture the bloody pirates. Stuff like that! Be with me on midnight raids and comfort me with kisses after I’ve done my foul deeds.’

“Amy shook her head. ‘It’s crazy. I couldn’t do any of that.’

“’It’s just for fun, Amy,’ Gina said. ‘Everybody plays except for Amber.’”

So – [laughs] – everybody plays this Dungeons & Dragons LARP from hell, except this girl named Amber, who sounds like is a semi-pro gymnast and a bit of a loner. Amber has a slumber party every summer and then just goes off on her own, and Amy figures, oh, I’ll hang out with Amber while everyone is “busy with the dungeon game.” Guy says, “’Oh no, you’re going to be my princess,’” and he puts his hand on her shoulder, and there are shocks.

Then Brandon and some other younger boys attack the party with Silly String, and Guy and his friends dump Brandon and his friends in the lake; like, they just pick him up and toss him in the water.

Guy talks Amy into the pool to rinse the Silly String out of her hair and then races her to one side and then back to the diving board. She’s about to beat him both times when he grabs her from below when she’s about to win, holds her underwater, then kisses her neck and won’t let her go! What the hell! Amy gets away, and he tries to tell her it wasn’t him! It was an octopus in the murky whirlpool, and he was going to save her in plenty of time! Amy, wisely, tells him to leave her alone.

She goes into the house and tries to go upstairs, but Nifty, Marcella’s poodle, starts barking at her, and Marcella comes to scoop up Nifty. Now, Nifty, it seems, is jumpy “because she’s about to start pretending she’s pregnant again.” Marcella notices that Amy is quivering and asks what’s the matter. Amy is like, this just happened, and I should go back to Chicago. I mean, I understand she was just assaulted, so yeah, I understand how she feels: she wants to get the hell out of here.

Which of the following does Marcella say? One: Don’t be so prickly. Two: Guy is a fine young man. Three: He meant no harm. Four: Calm down and go back to your party. Five: We mustn’t make a scene, must we? Or six: All of the above. If you guessed six, you’re right.

Amy goes into the kitchen, finds Letty, who takes one look at her and says, “’Oh, party too rough already?’” Seriously, who are these people? Amy explains that Guy tried to drown her, and Letty says, “’He is playing his silly game. That is one young man with too much free time on his hands.’” That’s when Guy walks in, says he’s sorry for scaring her, asks to start again, and convinces Amy to go back out to tan in some lounge chairs so he can get to know her.

“’What do you do besides swim like a fish and look like a princess? Tennis? Sail?’

Amy thinks to herself, “I read a lot of books, I make terrific pizza, I believe in UFOs, I wish I were home safe in Chicago.”

Aw! Amy’s a little nerd!

Guy invites Amy out on the boat, and she says only if Candace is coming, and Guy says, well, of course; Willy’s coming, and Candace will go wherever Willy goes, so they’re all going to go on the boat. A handsome eighteen-year-old man was flirting with her. Pete is handsome, and Guy makes her feel beautiful, “even if he did nearly drown me.”

Then Amy falls asleep in the sun – what? – with Guy’s hand on her arm – ugh! – and now it’s time for the boat trip.

Chapter four! Outfit, outfit! Ooh, got a good outfit. Amy is wearing white sailor slacks, a white midriff top with red-and-blue-striped epaulets on the shoulders, and a navy sailor’s cap. There’s some nonsense that I’m not sharing because that anti-fat crap can stay in 1981, but it turns out that Amy’s mom bought the whole outfit before Amy left because the saleslady said it was “perfect for sailing off into the sunset.” So she leaves her room, and is it perfect? No, it is not. Candace is like, what are you wearing? Oh my God, go change. And she’s kind of rude about it, so Amy’s in tears, but she changes into her swimsuit.

Aunt Marcella stops her on the way out and says she’s a lucky girl, that Guy was absolutely entranced with her, and he’s the catch of the season. All she has to do is reel him in.

For what?! She’s like sixteen!

Letty’s in the kitchen and gives Amy a banana, ‘cause there’s no time for breakfast, but then hands Amy a massive hamper that Candace asked for but didn’t stick around to carry. Here’s an interesting moment: Letty says, “’A crazy house I had to pick to work in this summer.’” She warns Amy to wear her lifejacket, saying, “’I’ve lived here all my life, and those waters are treacherous.’” She mutters something about summer sailors, and Amy lugs the hamper out onto the dock. Is there a lifejacket on the boat? No, but there are seat cushions that look like they’ll float, so Amy sort of grabs one and moves it closer.

Guy is extremely extra and sets sail. How he got to the dock I don’t know, because as they’re pulling away, Amy notices that the boom of the mainsail is heading right for her and Candace’s heads, and she has to pull them both to the deck before they get knocked out! Willy yells at Guy that he’s letting it run astern of the wind, and Guy yells back at him, and Candace says, “’I guess I should have warned you that Guy’s never had any sailing lessons, as you might have noticed.’”

I think this might be a horror novel, and I have been tricked.

Guy says it’s fine. They get to Castle Rock without dying. There’s a picnic. Candace eats the corned beef but no bread, and Amy’s like, fuck it, I’m so hungry I’m eating this sandwich, but then she doesn’t eat dessert because there’s cake, and Candace is watching her. Just eat the cake. Argh!

Guy is like, let’s swim out to the rock, and Amy says no, we just ate, so maybe we’ll just swim once around the boat. Now, this is kind of an old wives’ tale about swimming after you eat, but Willy compliments her for her wisdom and then says Guy convinced him to swim out to the rock the week before and told Willy to go hunt for firewood on the island, then swam back to the boat and sailed away and stranded him there all night. “’Just lucky I didn’t get pneumonia.’”

Who is this guy? This, this guy is that, That Guy. That Guy says, “’It was a test of your virtue and true power! You applied for the job of chief wizard in the first place. Chief wizards must be tested. Either play the game right or don’t play at all.’”

Willy says, “’I’ll get you before the summer’s over.’”

This is a horror novel, y’all. This is a horror novel.

Then Guy and Amy swim around the boat, and when they climb back on board, Willy and Candace have fallen asleep on the bow. Guy wakes them up, Willy sails them back, and then Guy falls asleep with his head on Amy’s lap. These people just wander around negligently and fall asleep.

Chapter five: That evening, Amy is on a sand dune reading, and guess what she does: she falls asleep. I think this island is made of Nyquil. But then she’s awakened by a dog! Yay! A massive German Shepherd wakes her up by wanting to play with her! The dog’s name is Mike, and Mike belongs to Pete. He is relieved it’s Amy and not Candace or Betsy, because they freak out, but it turns out Mike is very smart.

Pete offers her a lift back to the house in the golf cart, and she notices that she has a strong chin and she wants to touch his face. ‘Kay. She realized she doesn’t know what kind of chin that fucking guy Guy has. And Pete asks if he can say something that’s none of his business. “’Watch your step with that crowd of your cousin’s, huh?’”

Meanwhile, Amy can’t believe that two whole dudes are being so nice to her. She’s glad Candace doesn’t see her with Pete because Candace thinks Pete’s weird, but also Candace thinks Amy is weird, so who gives a flying topsail about her opinion? Eat cake and go hang out with the dude that you like in the golf cart.

Dinner is party leftovers, and when Letty brings in dessert there are massive plates of pastry for Brandon and Uncle Dick and a big bowl of plain strawberries for Marcella, Candace, and Amy. What the fuck?

Marcella, it turns out, has bought something for Amy – [laughs] – and Candace says, “’Pray it isn’t clothes. Mother’s taste runs to the fluttery,” which I thought was hilarious.

Marcella wants to teach Amy to play Bridge with her, but Amy has promised to play Triominos with Brandon, and Marcella is sighing about it. Brandon, who reveals that he has no bedtime, is like, let’s go play games!

First, though, it’s time for the outfit. Marcella shows Amy the new outfit – uh-oh, it is clothes. It’s in a box wrapped in tissue. Do you remember when you used to go to the department store and the department stores would wrap the clothes in tissue for you and put them in a box if you wanted? I definitely remember that. Okay.

Now, brace yourselves: this is super screwed up. Marcella has gotten Amy a gorgeous linen jumpsuit in pink!

“’Oh, I love it, Aunt Marcella! I hope it fits.’

“’Why of course it won’t fit, dear. It’s an incentive. I got that size so you’ll have a reason to knock off that extra weight.’

“Amy felt her face beginning to heat up. ‘Extra weight? I’ve been this size for a long time.’

“’It’s nice to be as thin as possible. I’ll wager any amount of money that you’ll be able to wear this in three weeks with all the swimming you’ll be doing.’

“Amy tried hard to smile at her aunt as she carefully folded the jumpsuit away in its box.”

Ugghhh! It is so messed up.

So then Amy decides that she’s going to lose weight to fit into the jumpsuit because she knows her aunt doesn’t think she can do it. So she’s going to stop eating so as to slim down and thinks that she can just have pizza when she’s back in Chicago. Ugh.

Chapter six: Amy’s tennis lesson is okay. She’s got a really good forehand, but she’s embarrassed that she’s in navy shorts. Candace had tried to loan her a tennis dress, but none of Candace’s would zip up, so Amy is feeling unsure of herself. Amy’s five-ten! Candace is already described as really small. Of course her clothes don’t fit!

Amy is also very hungry, and I hate this a lot.

Betsy is playing with Candace in the next court and is really snide to Amy, saying she should skip some meals like they do. And Amy thinks, well, Guy likes me better than you, so…

Back at the house, Brandon tells Amy, as she is about to take a bite of a sandwich in the kitchen, that Marcella has told Letty that Amy isn’t allowed to have any bread. Letty’s like, I don’t see any bread; what are you talking about? And Amy eats – thank goodness – and then Brandon blackmails her into taking him to the fort in exchange for not telling Marcella that Amy ate bread. All of these people are terrible, and I do not like them. Amy is still hungry, but she decides not to eat more because of the jumpsuit.

Seriously? Screw this jumpsuit. I, I, I’m, I’m taking a break for some tea. Seriously, y’all, do something kind for yourself in this moment. I really struggled with whether or not to share this book at all, because it makes me really mad at some parts. Okay.

Time for the fort: the fort is a historical re-enactment, and Brandon just, like, runs through it. He doesn’t even stop for any of it. Then they go for ice cream, and Pete is there with a girl with jet black hair who is very short, and her name is Amber! Amber is very, very nice and wants to make some plans with Amy. Then there’s this weird thing where Pete and Brandon discuss bringing chocolate chip ice cream to Mike, which is poisonous. Don’t give your dog chocolate!

Pete is looking at Amy with undisguised interest, and Brandon orders them both mammoth sundaes called Thunderclouds, and I googled them, and I’m not sure if they exist, but they sound great.

Amy blackmails Brandon right back and says she will never play Triominos with him again if he tells Marcella  that she ate the sundae, and Pete says, “’What are you worried about? You look like you’re in fine shape to me!’” And Brandon says, “’My mom thinks she’s fat, but you should see Nifty,’” the dog that keeps thinking that she’s pregnant? And then Brandon goes, “’I don’t think Amy’s fat, do you?’” Brandon with no bedtime, you need some boundary lessons. And Peter swallows a laugh and says, no, no, not at all, and Amy is all swoony about this whole conversation, and I did not rip the book. I’m very proud of myself.

Brandon – with no bedtime – says maybe around the legs a little, though, and Amy tells him to knock it off. Brandon asks Amy if she’s buying fudge, and she thinks about that dastardly jumpsuit again and says no. Eat the fudge; to hell with the jumpsuit. These people – I, I want fudge now, by the way.

Pete, who, like Letty, is a year-round resident on the island, says that he is passionate about the history and invites Amy back to the fort for a slower tour with him, and she is all for it. They all take a carriage back to the house together.

Brandon shares that Candace thinks that Brandon is a nerd, which clearly makes him feel bad, and then tells everyone that Candace calls Pete weird, and Pete just shrugs it off, but when he drops Brandon and Amy off at the gatehouse to the community his face is wooden.

Amber and Amy walk home together, and Amber says, “’Brandon is a bit of a nerd, but he’s also old enough to know he doesn’t have to repeat everything that he hears.’”

It turns out that Amber and Pete have been friends for years, and although she used to have a crush on him when she was about ten, she doesn’t really have a lot of other friends on the island. Amy jokes about the great disparity in their height, but says she could use a friend. Amber tells Amy that Pete has a thing about getting involved with summer girls, but Amber still thinks that Pete has a thing for Amy. Amy says that she thinks he’s pretty special too.

Amber tells her about the slumber party, saying, “’It’s an annual event because one night’s all I can stand of that bunch.’” Look, I understand that everyone just falls asleep everywhere on this island, but maybe you don’t need to sleep next to these people if you don’t like them! Amber also says, “’My mother says just thinking about Marcella Painter’s social schedule makes her look for a good place to go lie down.’” [Laughs] I like Amber, and so does Amy.

Chapter seven: Brandon and Amy return home and uh-oh! Candace “forgot” to tell them that Guy and his whole entire family were coming for dinner, and they walk in and they’re late. Candace just loves to embarrass Amy. Amy runs upstairs to change.

Guy flirts with her in a way that makes her uncomfortable, and Betsy just sits there glaring at Amy. Amy stands up to help clear the table, and the whole family is like, what is wrong with you? But Guy jumps up to help her and try to soothe her embarrassment and then uses his poser generosity to convince her to sneak out to sail with him, just him, after dinner, in the dark.

Nothing horrible happens, but Amy is confused that she’s still attracted to him and scared of him.

Candace sees Guy kissing Amy good night by the pool and is all, “’I guess you’re not so innocent after all.’” Guy tells Candace to cut it out, but Candace is constantly after Amy to spill all the details about what happened on the boat, and literally nothing happened on the boat? I read it with my heart in my throat like, you know, like he was going to toss her overboard or leave her on an island. They just went for a sail, but I still look at the cover and look for that creepy, drippy font, like maybe this is a horror novel and I wasn’t told?

All right, chapter eight: Slumber party! I love this chapter! Even though the story has some really awful parts, the scenes where Amy is around supportive people are really, really charming.

Amy has a nightmare of Guy dragging her underwater repeatedly and laughing about it. Candace doesn’t want to go to the slumber party, but Marcella makes her because Amber’s family is one of the oldest on the island; it’s an important connection. Ugh. Candace looks down on Amber because Amber doesn’t have a boyfriend and because Amber’s family doesn’t hire people to do things for them, and why won’t Amy tell her what happened with Guy on the boat? Amy asks Candace what she and Willy were doing in the bushes when they got back to the dock, and apparently Willy wishes they were doing more. Mm-hmm!

Amber’s mom – Amber’s mom: best character in the book, y’all – Amber’s mom looks at Amy and identifies her as a Virgo on sight, is thrilled to meet her, and Candace feels left out, but Amber’s mom, who is a pottery artist, has forgotten to get supplies for the party. Uh-oh! But Amy has an idea! If they’ve got flour, she’ll make pizzas! Amber’s mom says she can get back to work with a clear conscious. I think she means conscience, but whatever. I found a typo in a book from 1981.

But Amy has to make pizzas with Velveeta. Y’all, it’s the only cheese she makes pizzas with, with Velveeta! Hah! If you are in Wisconsin and you are screaming right now about this horrible injustice done to cheese, please know that I understand. I’m a little confused too. Somehow Amy pulls off three pizzas in a half an hour?

Amber notices that Betsy is being really snotty to Amy and learns that it’s because Guy likes Amy. Now, Amber has known Guy all her life and thinks he’s turning out a bit strange and that he’s careless. Amy does not like hearing this terrible commentary about this guy who she’s having actual nightmares about, and she thinks that Amber doesn’t understand how great it is to be Guy’s princess, and if she’s careful then she can avoid his carelessness. Hoo boy.

Candace is going out to dinner with Willy for his birthday, and when Amy asks what she got him – [laughs] – she says she got him a pair of yellow swim trunks and a terry shirt to match her new yellow bikini. I do not understand what it is about the matching swimsuits, but I think it’s hilarious, and I’m kind of living for it at this moment. [Laughs more]

Pete arrives on the golf cart while they’re walking to tennis, and he apologizes and said he was acting weird because Brandon made it clear that Candace was talking shit about Pete, and Pete worried that Amy would listen to her cousin. “Bound to listen, maybe, but not bound to agree with.” Pete gives her a small stuffed animal to give to Nifty, the dog who thinks she’s pregnant, and then he asks Amy out! Amy says she has to make sure that Marcella doesn’t have plans that Amy’s expected to attend, and Pete thinks she’s making an excuse, but she reassures him that that would really be the only thing to stop her.

Later, Amy asks permission to go out on a date with Pete, and it turns out that her aunt has heard about the pizza dinner that Amy made and has put her on a food restriction that is really uncool. Meanwhile, her uncle and her cousin are sitting there eating massive sandwiches. Candace thinks that Amy is trying to make Guy jealous, but Amy really wants to go on a date with Pete! And her uncle supports this idea:

“’Amy is one hundred percent right. I don’t go for all this pairing off at the ripe old age of sixteen anyway. If Guy wants to get mad, well, just let him! You go with Pete, honey. You’re better off with Pete Demarest than careening around the lake in that sailboat of Guy’s any day of the week. Your dad would agree with that too, I’m sure.’

“’I have my doubts,’ said Mrs. Painter, ‘although it was thoughtful of Pete to send you home with that toy for Nifty.’

“’She can go,’ Mr. Painter said.

“’Whatever you say, but if she loses Guy it will be your fault, not mine.’

“’Well, if she does then I’d say he wasn’t worth keeping in the first place. The issue is closed.’

“’Thanks, Uncle Dick,’ Amy said. ‘I really do want to go out with Pete.’”

So apparently if Uncle Dick puts his foot down, then Marcella will cave, but Uncle Dick needs to show up and do his damn job as a parent more often, especially because he has to know how they’re treating her. Like, he has to know.

Chapter nine: Amy is hanging out more with Amber and her mom, and her mom points out that Guy is a wealthy only child as an attempt to sort of explain his behavior, and Amber points out very matter-of-factly that she is also, also a wealthy only child, and her mom says, yes, but you’re a Virgo and you have great parents. [Laughs]

Amy goes on her date with Pete! Pete is worried that her family doesn’t approve because he’s hired help and because no one is home to greet him when he picks her up. Amy reassures him that her uncle was all for their going out, and it turns out that Pete’s dad has a reservation about his dating any of the summer girls too. He had to tell his dad that Amy was a harmless fudgy.

Pete’s gift to Nifty has worked wonderfully, giving Nifty something to care for, and Marcella does pass along her thanks. Aw. They go to a bookstore; they go to a movie. He kisses her very gently at the end, and everything is wonderful. “It was so comfortable being with Pete, Amy thought. So nice to really talk about things and not have to worry about being a princess.”

Chapter ten: Guy convinces Candace to bring Amy out for a horseback ride, which she’s never done, and this won’t end in disaster, not at all! And of course the weird LARP from hell takes over. They go charging through the woods on horses and leave Amy behind. She gets her horse back to the stable on her own and then walks home.

Chapter eleven: Brandon’s birthday party. This is so over the top. This is almost as good as an absolutely off-the-wall clothing description? Get a load of this:

“Supper arrived on a chuckwagon. The boys war-whooped around the wagon as the caterer, dressed in cowboy gear, drove his horses around the corner of the house. The back of the wagon was opened up into a buffet and spread with a red-and-white-checked cloth. There was a big iron kettle of chili. Hot slabs of cornbread dripping with butter were served on a wooden plank. Brandon’s birthday cake sat on a shelf in the back in the back of the wagon. It was shaped like a cowboy hat.

“’I had no idea Brandon was into the Old West,’ Amber said.

“’He isn’t. Uncle Dick is.’”

So Amber is pretty much hanging out with Amy running this party. Then Candace and her friends show up. Guy is overbearing and really laying on the charm so heavily, making Amy feel very confused and wary and completely overwhelmed. Guy kisses her, and it is not pleasant like it was with Pete. Guy keeps announcing plans that he’s made for them, like when he’s on break from school he’ll be with her in Chicago, and she’s like, what the heck? No, you won’t. And I think this is technically called love-bombing.

Amy decides not to go out with Candace and Guy and everyone else after Brandon’s party, and she goes up to bed with a book and is very happy! Go, Amy! Good choices!

The next day, Amber and Amy are hanging out, and Amber says, “’I think you’ve fallen for Guy because he’s flattering and mostly because he turns you on.’” And Amy says, “’He does turn me on, that’s for sure, but I don’t feel like I’m ready to be turned on.’” Interesting!

Amber invites Amy to stay the following summer at her house, and Amy is all into the idea because then she wouldn’t have to do anything with Candace.

Uh-oh! Pete shows up and asks how things are at the house, and Amy’s like, I, what are you talking about? I don’t know. Turns out that the night before, Pete was working the overnight shift and caught Guy, Candace, and all their friends on some ridiculous LARP mission where they broke into a neighbor’s house and stole from the wine cellar. Good God! Everyone is in trouble. Amy and Amber had no idea about any of it, and Pete says that he was so worried when they were all coming out of the house that Amy would be with them.

But then he asks Amber and Amy to go to the beach with him on his day off, and while Amber cannot, Amy’s all in!

Back at the house, there’s drama! Uncle Dick has grounded Candace. She can’t go out; she has to stay in her room for a week, including meals. Marcella thinks that it’s unreasonable because Candace has a date and she can’t miss it! And Dick is like, I don’t care!

Amy turns down some cheesy vegetable casserole because she doesn’t want to gain back the weight she’s lost – ugh! – and she earns some praise from Marcella, who also asks why wasn’t she along for “Guy’s little adventure”? And I just want to point out, ‘cause I asked Google, that’s breaking and entering and could be considered a felony. It’s not a little adventure; it’s a fricking felony! Anyway.

Amy brings Candace a bowl of fruit to her room, and Candace is all bedraggled and crying, and she says it’s all Amy’s fault because she wasn’t there! “’If you’d been with us, he never would have decided to do the wine cellar bit. None of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for you!’” Which makes absolutely no sense.

But then there’s this absolutely fabulous truth bomb from Amy:

“Maybe being rich means feeling you never have to take the blame for anything. Or it means keeping lots of people around you to pile the blame on. Well, nobody’s piling any blame on me!”

I told Adam about this, and he was like, yeah, story checks out, so while I am happy to leave all of this anti-fat bias bullshit in 1981, unfortunately, that part has not changed.

If you are waiting for the conflict in this story to arrive and you are thinking, wow, this episode is kind of long and nothing has happened, I would just like to tell you there are three chapters left in this book. Just three. That’s it. This book is really weird, y’all.

Chapter thirteen: Beach day with Pete! Yay! Mike the giant German Shepherd is there, and Mike just crawls right between them on the blanket, because that’s how dogs are, and falls asleep. But then Pete also falls asleep because he was on the night shift again. But Amy’s really happy to just read and sit on the beach and be with him while he naps. Aw!

She has lunch with Amber and her mom – and Amber prepped everything and probably did the shopping – and tells them about her lovely day and that she has been having these weird, recurrent, violent nightmares about Guy, where he’s trying to drown her. Amber’s mom listens and says, “’He frightens you sexually, that’s obvious, which is okay. You’ve got plenty of time for all of that.’” And I like Amber’s mom. I just wish they wouldn’t sort of dance around the whole sexuality thing.

She goes home, and Guy and Willy and Candace are all out by the pool because Guy was not grounded for more than thirty-six hours, Willy wasn’t grounded at all, and they convinced Marcella to let Candace out because Dick isn’t at home. They’re all mad because Pete and Mike the dog caught them doing their little felony adventure, and they’re planning to make trouble for Pete and Mike! Amy protests, but Guy announces, “’Enough of the working classes!’” and demands that they all go sailing, including Amber, who says, “’Everyone knows I’m a stiff, so you can’t hurt my reputation.’”

Oh my God, these people. They go out on the boat. Guy is super overwhelming, being overly affectionate and intense, and then Pete sees them from the shore, and he looks devastated! Amy is really upset too, and Guy says baby, baby, you don’t want Pete Demarest! He’s a nothing!

Amy is really upset that Pete is upset with her, but of course she doesn’t call him to talk about it. She’s about to leave in three days, and she doesn’t know what to do. But then Guy calls her on the phone and says he won yet another random boat race with his complete lack of boating skills, and they should celebrate because they’ve never been on a real date. She agrees and finds out that he’s already reserved a table for them because he was confident she would say yes.

On their way to the date, the person who is at the gatehouse that is not Paul slips her a note, and the note reads:

“I decided to head for the hills for a couple days and take Mike on his first serious fishing trip to the Upper Peninsula. Thought you might want some time to make up your mind in peace, because, Fudgy, I don’t plan to share you with anyone. I’ll be back about noon on Saturday. Will call then to see if we’re on or off for Saturday night. Pete.”

So everybody here is making assumptions about who is with whom and who is exclusive with whom, and no one is actually having any conversations, and it’s very frustrating, and I’m really annoyed about it.

Guy says some creepy shit about always keeping Amy in lovely places when she compliments the hotel where they’re having their date and says he’ll give her all the time she needs to grow up, and when Amy says she’s pretty much grown up, he presses his knees against hers under the table and strokes her arm and says, “’In some ways, not in others.’” Ugghhh! Yuck!

She says, “’You’re moving too fast for me! Don’t be so serious!’” and he points out she doesn’t want to be serious, but she doesn’t think his dungeon games are fun, and yes, both of those things are true, and also he’s terrible.

Guy tells her he wants her to come with him to Betsy’s big party, and (a) she wasn’t invited, which Guy says, well, you’re invited now, ‘cause I’m inviting you, but she has plans for Pete that night and she wants to keep her date with him, and Guy’s like, what the hell? Break your date! And she refuses despite his pressure, and he just stands up and ends their date in a big sulk and takes her home.

At home, Dick has returned to find that Marcella and Candace were at the club, and he is mad, and she and Brandon go play Triominos together and hide from the awfulness. And I did google it: Triominos is in fact a real game!

Chapter fifteen: Two more chapters left! The next morning, the day before she leaves, Amy gets up early to pack. She’s still not sure if she’s going on a date with Pete. Then Guy shows up with this massive bouquet of pink roses, riding a horse and leading Bonnie, the horse that she rode last time. “’I’ve never apologized to anybody before in my life, but I guess I’m doing it now.’” How is that not a massive red flag?

Anyway, he convinces her to go horseback riding with him as an apology, and she goes! And she doesn’t leave a note as to where she’s going, despite everyone being asleep, because she doesn’t want anyone telling Pete that she’s out with Guy when Pete calls like he said he would, and this is all contrived nonsense and I dislike it. It is, it is not good for my blood pressure, and I drank a lot of tea.

Guy continues to come onto her, kissing her in a way that isn’t pleasant and squeezing her arm in a way that she finds hurtful. Now, I appreciate that the unpleasantness and her fear are spelled out, and I appreciate that Zeb is digging a hole in the carpet – [digging sounds in background] – but I wish Amy would examine and realize and say, no, this is not okay. She’s very passive about all of this.

They ride into the woods, and James, the kid that Guy has been torturing all summer with his terrible LARP, launches water balloons at them as a retaliation for all of the crap Guy has been doing, only he hits the horse that Amy is on with a water balloon. Guy takes off after James, but Amy’s horse is spooked, she flies off the back of the horse, hits her head, and gets knocked out!

Amy comes to and finds Mike the dog licking her! Pete arrives, and Amy is beside herself. “’I’m so sorry. I was going to choose you. I was on my way home to choose you,’” and Pete apologizes, saying he was trying to give her space, and she says, no, it’s her fault because Guy hypnotized her or something. It is literally what she said: it’s like Guy hypnotizes her. No, he’s just love-bombing you, and it’s overwhelming. Pete brings a horse and lifts her onto the saddle and brings her home.

Uncle Dick is so relieved. James is horrified she was hurt and apologizes for scaring her horse. Guy is pale and upset and tries to come with them to the doctor, and Pete is like, no, and Amy’s uncle is like, no. You never mean anything by what you do, and we don’t need you for this. Guy’s eyes are empty for a moment – yikes! – but then he grins and says, “’No need to get heavy. I’ll apologize to Amy when she’s not groggy.’” And Amy thinks, but I won’t listen, which is deeply insufficient because he’s not going to hear you’re not listening as much as he might possibly, maybe, perhaps hear you say no.

They ride to the doctor’s, and Pete tells her that Guy didn’t think to be worried about her until the horse showed up without her, and then he was concerned.

“’One good thing about this mess, Fudgy,’ Pete said, his voice rumbling in his chest under her ear, ‘is now you probably won’t be able to fly out of here tomorrow. Maybe I can keep you around for a few more days.’

“Amy leaned against Pete’s arm and smiled at him. Pete kissed the lump on her forehead carefully.” No, don’t do that. “’How about that? I can arrange to be at your beck and call until you’re feeling better.’

“’It’s a definite date.’ Amy snuggled back up under Pete’s chin and closed her eyes. ‘I’m sorry about the movies.’

“’There’ll be plenty of time for other movies,’ Pete said, tightening his arms around her. ‘Plenty of time for everything.’

“Amy listened to Pete’s heartbeat all the way to the doctor’s. It sounded like a drum keeping time with the song in her own heart. The song stayed loud and clear, and Amy hoped it would never end.”

And that is the end of the book. Can you believe that? Oh my gosh! I have never been so annoyed by an ending. Well, no, I have, but this is, it’s been a while. Y’all, I did not like this! I did not like this. Her beha- – okay, mm. It was kind of boring, except when Guy’s behavior was awful. It’s tense and it’s scary, and there is no resolution, and the ending is awful. The ending is so uncertain and unfinished, right? Guy isn’t firmly shut down. There are no consequences; he never hears the word no. Even if Dick is around right at the end, he’s gone enough that his authority really doesn’t carry any weight.

And the anti-fat bias was ghastly. I took a lot of it out because I didn’t want to hurt you with it, but it never gets addressed. All the food manipulation is not cool, and it makes me mad on behalf of younger readers like me who internalized this shit. Like, I remember reading so many books like this.

What about you? Do you remember reading books that just made you feel bad or taught you to feel bad about yourself? I do. I didn’t read this one, but this felt really, really familiar.

One last thing before I end on a better note: did you notice how passive Amy is? She comes so close to making a decision and then doesn’t, over and over. She has so much information: Guy’s kisses are painful, he makes her uncomfortable, he tried to drown her, she has nightmares about him, but she doesn’t really make a decision until it’s almost, almost too late. Like, repeatedly. And the dichotomy is interesting, I think, if the story had given it room. Is it better to be a princess with someone who is dazzling but makes her uncomfortable? Or is it better to be in a relationship with someone who is comfortable, who she likes?

All right, now it’s time for the fun part: what should be in the epilogue that this story so very much needs? What needs to happen? I think this story ended at the worst possible moment; it was immediately after the crisis. There’s no resolution; there’s no, there’s no restoration of any calm, so I want to know: what do you think should happen in the epilogue? I’m going to try write one, and I’ll share it on an episode, probably the next one, but I want to know what you think. You can email me at [email protected] or Sarah with an H at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books dot com [[email protected]], but I want to know, what should happen? What should happen to Amy and Marcella and Pete and Dick and Guy and Candace? Nifty’s fine; she’s got a stuffed animal; she’s good to go. Mike is great. Dogs are perfect, but other than Amy getting away from these people, forgetting about the jumpsuit, and eating pizza, what do you think should happen? What would have been a better ending? Let’s fanfic this thing. Let’s do it.

[music]

And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you for hanging out with me. I know this was a long one, but a lot happened in a book where not much happened, and I hope you enjoyed this one. I hope you had a good snack or some excellent leftovers, and I hope you tell me what you think should have been the ending or what should be the epilogue to this story. I want to hear from you, so please tell me what you think should happen in the epilogue.

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As always, I end each episode with a terrible joke, and this week I have a listener joke! I love when this happens. Seriously, send me your bad jokes; they make me so happy. This is from jfhobbit:

“I have been listening for over a year now, and your podcast continues to be a bright spot in the madness.”

Thank you!

“I especially look forward to the disgusted looks on my spouse’s face when I tell her the bad jokes.

“My brother told me a joke that I had to pass on:

“What’s the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a porch?”

What’s the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off the porch?

“One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.”

[Laughs] A yeeted ham!

“I hope that makes your day brilliant!”

Thank you so much, jfhobbit, for this outstanding joke. Yeeted ham! [Still laughing]

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the absolute best reading, a wonderful weekend, and if you are celebrating anything this week, that is was lovely and restful and delicious. I hope that you will be back here next week. [Whispers] My guest is Julia Quinn! Shhhh! And then after that I’ll be recapping Sweet Dreams #5, Little Sister. But until then, have a wonderful weekend and have wonderful reading. We will see you back here next week!

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[end of music]