This book is a lot. It’s angsty and tragic, but there are some moments I remember so very clearly, and I probably read this more than 30 years ago. This was definitely one of my gateway books. What about you?
…
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[music]
Sarah Wendell: Hello, and thank you for inviting me into your eardrums. I’m Sarah Wendell; this is episode number 479 of Smart Podcast and the first episode in a new series that I am doing. I am so excited. I am reading and recapping the first twenty Sweet Dreams YA romances, which are some vintage paperbacks. Like, complete with crispy pages; they are very delicate. So grab a beverage or a blanket or start your walk or cleaning your house or whatever you’re doing, because this is me telling you about this book and, wow, is it going to be a lot.
Now, before we get started, I will share the cover copy so you have context, so don’t worry, but if you’ve read these books, you know I want to hear from you, right? I hope you will tell me if you remember these books as well as I do.
Hello and thank you to our Patreon community, who definitely made this possible, because these books are not available digitally, so I had to buy them all used!
I have a compliment for Megan: The thought of you, your courage, your smile, and your thoughtfulness has inspired four people today and sixteen people yesterday. Thank you for being you.
If you have supported the show, you have made sure that every episode is transcribed, you keep the show going each and every week, and you help me find used copies of vintage paperbacks to share with you! Thank you so much for your support. If you would like to join the Patreon community, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.
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I am so excited to start this episode, and before we do, I want to make sure to read the cover copy so that you have context about what is happening in this book. It is a very small book, and a lot happens. So here is the back cover copy for PS, I Love You by Barbara Conklin:
Nothing makes a summer special like falling in love. When her father left after the divorce, Mariah lost her sense of family. Now she’s lost her special summer too. Instead of fulfilling her dream to become a writer, Mariah has to help her mother with a house-sitting job in a very rich, very snobby Palm Springs. People with a lot of money make Mariah uncomfortable, until she meets Paul Strobe, the rich boy next door. Paul’s not a snob, and he doesn’t act superior. In fact, his sandy hair and piercing blue eyes break down all of Mariah’s defenses. With Paul, Palm Springs becomes the most romantic place on earth. But Paul has to go into the hospital for some tests and then an operation. He’s seriously ill, and all his family’s money can’t help him. Will Mariah lose Paul too, just when she’s found her first love?
All right, do you have your tea or your beverage? You have a blanket, maybe you’re walking the dog or cleaning the house? It’s just you and me, and I am going to tell you about this book, which I have here in my hand. None of these are available digitally, so I actually have to get copies used online, which means that each one is a little different. So let’s start with Sweet Dreams #1, PS, I Love You by Barbara Conklin.
Now, on the end of the book – how do I describe this? Like, if you hold the book closed and then write on the pages on the border of the pages? It says Shannon Montag, 6-1, and then at the top it says SNC. So Shannon Montag, wherever you are, I hope you are doing very well. Thank you for selling your copy of this book so that I could buy it.
The original publication date for this – and of course all the pages are that weird kind of yellow? – the publication date is September 1981. Where were you in September 1981? Let us think back; where were you in September 1981? I was six years old and my sister had just been born, so I was probably in first grade. I was definitely not reading these books, but I definitely discovered them shortly after that. I don’t remember when I first read this; probably, mm, I don’t know, thirteen years old, maybe? Somewhere around there.
So this was written by Barbara Conklin, who went on to write at least eight more Sweet Dreams romances, including a sequel to this book, which is number 23. She also wrote my favorite of the Sweet Dreams, Winter Dreams, which is number 141. Now, I did a little research about Barbara Conklin, and I found some old articles, including a 1987 article from the LA Times that looked at romance from that outside perspective, where they’re like, oh, romance! Look at this amazing thing! It’s so interesting! You know, that kind of thing? You’d think it was a February article, but it wasn’t. Nope, I’m wrong; it was: February 12, 1987, so you know exactly what kind of article I’m talking about here, right? So in this, the writer says:
In Conklin’s books, teenage girls learn about love, self-respect, and social responsibility simultaneously. Each protagonist goes through a process where she’s going to be a better kid in the end, Conklin said. None of the teenagers in Conklin’s books does more than hug and kiss and touch, she said, because, “Bantam’s a really clean outfit. I have little Amish girls reading my books. Can you believe that?”
So let’s get started with the actual book, shall we?
In the Foreword, Mariah is sitting at a ruffled vanity with a mirror – did you want one of those? I wanted one of those – and there’s a bumper sticker on the mirror that says “PS, I Love You.” Palm Springs, I love you, we are told is that, what that stands for, but that’s also the title of the book! Why is that the title of the book? Mm, a mystery!
So, chapter one: Mariah is finally a junior. She has decided that that summer, she’s just gotten out of school after sophomore year, and she is going to write a book. She’s got it all planned out. Quote:
I would spend the summer writing out on my favorite rock by my ocean.
I think her back is going to hurt.
By the time my junior year began, I would have the completed novel safely in the mail to some big publisher. Then, after waiting maybe a few weeks, I’d get this terrific contract and I’d be on my way.
All of you are now thinking, oh, that’s how it works, right? Of course! This is – [laughs] – this book might be where I got some ideas about publishing!
Now, this writing thing that she’s talking about is all a vehicle for dating. Quote:
By the time I became a full-fledged senior, I’d have to literally fight off the offers of dates from boys, boys waiting in line to date a successful novelist.
All right, I like Mariah already. She has plans, and her specific plans? She wants to be a romance novelist. Yes, she does! Quote:
…like Rosemary Rogers or Kathleen Woodiwiss or Denise Robins or Fiona Harrowe.
Some of those people I had to look up.
Maybe they’ll even want to make a movie out of my book!
She wants to write romance, and the thing about romance, this is one of my favorite quotes:
The novels are usually very fat paperbacks; you really get your money’s worth in reading. And they have terrific, passionate covers. My closet was crammed so full of the books there was absolutely no place anymore for my shoes.
I can relate. The problem is, how’s she going to write about a big romance if she’s never had one? Quote:
Ever since I was fourteen, I’d put off writing, waiting for that real romance to happen, but I would wait no longer. This was it, the summer I would finally write, romance or no romance!
Now, boys aren’t into Maria because she doesn’t know how to smile around them, she says, and she’s very bookish and serious about her grades, and boys don’t notice her.
She even knows the structure of a romance, and she goes into it. All right, shall we check this out? Let’s check this out. First, an exotic place. Two, innocent, untouched girl with a gorgeous figure.
When she is finally not innocent anymore, the reader has got to be there and go through it with her.
Like a gynecology appointment, I guess; I don’t know.
Three, she has to be living under terrible conditions, like a bad stepfather, so she escapes it all. There’s going to be tragedy and trouble, and then, four, the man enters. Good-looking. “I would choose mine to have dark, curly hair, and his muscles would have muscles.” Not much has changed since Mariah started thinking about writing a romance in 1981.
And then Mariah thinks she’ll have loads of money and can solve all of her problems. Everyone who is listening to this who works in publishing is now laughing.
Mariah’s problems are actually pretty substantial, and this book is moving right along through all the conflicts because we have established that she knows what the structure of the romance is. Living under terrible conditions? Well, Mariah’s problems are that her dad walked out on the family on Mariah’s birthday, left her mom for some woman he met at work and just moved to Chicago. Now, things have gotten worse. Oh noes! Her mom needs money because her dad got in an accident and got fired and there’s no support coming in, and the school that her mom works at closes in the summer. So whereas Mariah had been planning to sit on a rock and write a book, her mom has arranged to house-sit in Palm Springs with Mariah and her sister, and they’re going to rent out their ocean-view house to a family for the summer.
Now, renting the house for the summer is going to cover their mortgage for the rest of the year. Oh yeah, real estate porn! So I kind of understand where Mariah’s mom is coming from, but Mariah and her sister Kim are not on board with this plan. Their mom just kind of presents it as shut up and deal, so go pack, and that’s what happens. They, they go pack. And this is chapters one, two, two, and three; like, this book is going.
So they pack up, and Mariah tries to sneak a box of romances into the car? She name-checks another romance author named Susan Howatch, but then she gets busted and has to put her books back in the house; oh darn. [Laughs] I love Mariah’s determination here.
The family that’s renting her house shows up. The girl who is staying in her room seems okay, and Mariah at the very last minute shares her secret beach rock for sitting as a last-minute thought, just points to the window, and Elaine, the other girl, is touched. Aw.
And now we’re already at chapter four! Stuff is happening; these books do not mess around. And this is Mariah at the start of chapter four:
It took us about one and a half hours to get to Palm Springs, and that’s just about how long I sulked.
Surprise! The house that they are house-sitting in is a massive, massive mansion. Like, it is huh-uge! Now, this is one of the scenes from this book that I remember. You ever read a book and tiny little pieces of it just stick in your memory? I don’t know why this stuck in my mind, but I remember reading this part, you know, however many decades ago.
Eventually, we came to a sign posted on a fencepost. “Skipalot Drive, private road,” Kim said. “I like that name!” She said it several time, over and over and over. I felt like bopping her.
But, I don’t know why, but Skipalot, Skipalot, Skipalot, that stuck in my head too, and I, I understand why she wants to bop her, but why did that stick in my head? I don’t know.
The house, as I mentioned, is massive. It is a big ol’ mansion. They’re house-sitting for a family named Abbott. There is a wall around the property, and there’s a gate that has to be opened remotely. The house, quote:
…was a Spanish villa, like something I’d seen in a magazine once. The outside was a light salmon color covered by lush green vines. A titled veranda surrounded the first floor…
I don’t know why it’s tilted.
…and when I walked on the tiles I felt like was walking over someone’s hand-painted pictures.
Probably because she is.
Each tile was so different, but the miniature flowers in each were blue and white with green leaves.
Then Mariah meets Paul Strobe – bum-bum-bah! – the eighteen-year-old helping out the on-site handyman/gardener, Old Jim. Literally, that’s his name: Old Jim. Now, Paul is very cute, and she cannot stop staring at him. He takes them on a “quickie tour,” so she can stare at him as much as she wants.
This house has six bedrooms! And the kitchen is as big as the whole downstairs of her house. Now, there’s also a library with leather everywhere, even on the walls. How do you clean that? And then there’s an unwinding room with a pool table made out of white marble, a television with a screen so large I thought we were in a private theater, a shelf full of all kinds of computer games, and a huge stereo sound system that covered an entire wall. They meet Old Jim – who thankfully they just call Jim; geeze – and Jim and Paul reveal that they are building a gazebo as a surprise from Mr. Abbott to Mrs. Abbott. They live in this garden oasis in the middle of the desert in Palm Springs, complete with a pool that is tiled in black so it looks like a lagoon.
Have you ever seen a house like this? This sounds either like it was in a magazine or it’s just so over-the-top it doesn’t exist. Although if you do know of a pool that is tiled in black, please tell me about it; I am dying to know.
So Mariah scopes out her bedroom, and her mother’s like, why would you pick a bedroom upstairs? There’s so many nice bedrooms on the first floor! You’re just going to be climbing stairs all day! Nonononono. Mariah has scoped out a bedroom with a window seat and a view of the backyard where that gazebo is being built, so she can, you know, spy on this guy.
Mariah showers and changes her clothes and decides that she’s going to go chat up Paul, and this is another one of those tiny, tiny moments that stuck with me like Skipalot Drive?
I took one last peek at myself in a mirror over the sink, and with my fingernails I tried to dig out a few strands of hair, trying to make them wispy looking so that I wouldn’t look too neat.
I could not figure out what she had meant by digging out a few strands of hair to look wispy, but if you look at the cover her hair is long and straight, and there are wisps blowing in the wind, so, I mean, consistency’s very cool!
If you were ever bothered by the fact that a lot of the times on romance covers the models don’t match the description, in the Sweet Dreams covers they match. Like, it’s really impressive how much they match the photography.
So Mariah’s going to go chat Paul, and with her wispy hair she gets some Cokes from the fridge. There’s a massive fridge that is nothing but Coke in this – like, Coca-Cola, by the way, Coca-Cola – in this kitchen. It’s just the beverage fridge. Mariah read up on gazebos in the library real quick so she can make conversation with Paul, and Paul tells her he wants to be an architect. He’s starting at Berkeley, and later he wants to finish at MIT. My dude! And Mariah says, you really mean it? I mean, that place is expensive! And she feels kind of dumb that she says that, but he doesn’t even blink. But it’s a career, a profession, a lifetime.
But then, uh-oh! Mariah asks if the Abbotts, the family that own the house, are nice, and Paul says they’re great people. They’ve encouraged him and helped him learn about architecture and, I guess, you know, building gazebos. Mariah says the rich kids at her mom’s school are awful and the families are terrible, and rich people are usually just the worst. There’s a lot of Eat the Rich vibes here for this 1981 book, but Paul, Paul looks uncomfortable, and Mariah doesn’t get it, but I do. Paul: “Did you notice the other house on this street?” Mariah: “Yeah, I, I did. I bet they’re really snobby.” And Paul says, “I know them. The guy my age? Yeah, I can say I really like him. Maybe you’d like to meet him.”
Mariah, Mariah, stop, stop, stop! But no, Mariah, she does not stop! She felt really comfortable with Paul and says:
I hoped I hadn’t looked stupid or said anything to turn him off.
Oh dear. All right. Well, that was awkward. I’m sure that conflict will reappear. Yes, it will. This is a very short book; it just goes.
Chapter seven now: Mariah is bummed that she doesn’t have her BFF’s address to write her a letter – it was 1981; there’s no email! – but her BFF Amy is in New York with her dad, and her mom isn’t home in California, so Mariah can’t call and get the address, and her mom – Mariah’s mom – asks why she wants to write to Amy so badly?
Now, I will spoil this: Mariah’s mom is the best character in this book.
Mariah says, I want to tell her about this great house and all! And her mom says, yeah, this great house and all. “Why don’t we invite the and-all to a barbecue tonight?”
[Laughs] Mariah’s mom knows what’s up. So they go shopping in the town to check out the shops and get food at the grocery store, and when they get back Mariah brushes her hair again. She’s very insecure about her hair, and she wants a perm. Don’t do it, Mariah! Do not! She runs outside ‘cause they’re having this barbecue with Jim and Paul, but only Jim is there, and uh-oh! Jim lets Mariah know that Paul is the one who lives in the big house next door. Oh no! Who could have seen that coming? Certainly not me and everyone else reading this book! Mariah, you have screwed up.
Mariah runs in, humiliated and upset, and she talk to her mom, who makes her coffee – which, okay! – and talks everything out with her. Mariah’s relationship with her mom is so lovely.
Mariah frets about apologizing, but she does, and Paul has brought gifts for everybody: M&Ms for Kim, a box of chocolates for Mariah’s mom, and a book about the history of Palm Springs for Mariah, “…about the Indians, their reservation, and how Palm Springs was founded.” He wants to get to know Mariah better, and he tells her she has a beautiful smile.
Chapter nine: Mariah tosses and turns all night because just like that she had become pretty.
It was like a miracle. In one short day I had turned pretty. It wasn’t just my imagination, because the mirror proved it. Just the night before I’d been practicing my smile and it had been just as rigid as it always had been. But Paul said my smile was beautiful, and sure enough, now it was.
[Grumbling noises] On one hand there’s a part of me that’s like, oh, the romance is so sweet! And on the other hand it’s like, ahhh, you’re not pretty just ‘cause a dude noticed you!
Mariah also realizes she can write letters to Elaine, the girl staying at her house, ‘cause she knows that address, so she can just do that. [Laughs] Good thinking!
Mariah and Kim and their mom have to weed the gardens because Paul and Jim are gazebo-ing, and part of house-sitting is taking care of the property. Her mom asks her to get a scarf because the sun makes her hair dry? And when she goes to get the scarf, Mariah finds a letter in the drawer, written in the previous January from their dad, begging her mom to take him back. So not only did her mom get a letter six months prior, but she brought it with her to Palm Springs to reread it, presumably. Woof, drama! Mariah is devastated and she doesn’t know what to say.
Mariah’s mom, I think to hell with that guy. You are doing the best you can; you take as much time as you need to decide what you want to do.
So finally, Paul and Jim finish the gazebo. I’m telling you, this book just books it. The gazebo is, of course, gorgeous, and now that he’s done gazebo-ing, Paul invites Mariah to see “the Indian reservations and the canyons.” Now, they’re closed for the summer, but Paul knows somebody who can bring them in. Mariah’s mom is fine, but they have to take Kim. Kim is bored, and her mom wants to study for the college entrance exams that fall! Go, Mariah’s mom!
Paul is like, great, sure! Joe and I would love to show Mariah and Kim the canyons. Joe, it turns out, is going to get permission from his grandfather to go onto the reservation and into the canyons because his grandfather, who is an Indian, is one of the most important in the area.
Now, I want to be clear here: the book is using the term Indian.
Paul – surprise! – used to spend every summer in Laguna Beach where Mariah lives, but not this summer, and before he can answer her question as to why not they arrive at Joe Chino’s house. Joe does indeed guide them into the canyon, explaining that there are four Indian-owned canyons surrounding Palm Springs, and they are still called the Indian canyons, and the ownership names that he uses are in fact right. There’s a movie that was filmed there called Lost Horizons – which according to my research was probably the 1937 one – and Joe and Kim go explore a cave.
But Paul sits with Mariah, explaining that he won’t be able to visit another canyon with her for a bit because he’s going into the hospital. He has these cysts that are growing under his skin that have to be removed. Now, Mariah is alarmed because usually those mean, those words mean cancer, but Paul says, oh no, it’s no big deal. He’s had some removed before. The new one is the reason their vacation to Laguna was canceled, because he needs to have this one out right now.
And if you’re thinking, wow, that sounds ominous, yes! Yes, you are right.
Paul presumes that she must be popular, so Mariah responds by making up a fake boyfriend – yawn – and Paul immediately does the same thing – also yawn. And it turns out they are sitting on a rock that Paul snuck out to when he needs to think, just like Mariah. Aw! But then the chapter ends with:
I had no way of knowing that day that the next time I saw that rock, my laughter would have turned into tears.
Dramatic foreshadowing is dramatic.
In the next chapter, Paul invites Mariah out to go stock books at his dad’s bookstore, which is like catnip for Mariah, but I have some questions about this. But here’s something fun: Paul picks her up in the car his dad bought him after Paul did a bunch of odd jobs for his family and the Abbotts, and it’s a Mazda 280ZX, which is a little sports car from the early ‘80s that looks like it has little bug eyes. I will put a picture of one in the show notes; they’re adorable.
At the bookshop, Paul’s dad is super charming and welcoming, and his mom is really rude and rudely reminds Paul that he has a blood work appointment, which of course he forgot about, so their plans will be cut short. They go put stickers on books together, and okay, sure, but Mariah asks about the surgery and can sense that Paul is lying to her when he downplays the significance of everything.
Then – massive romantic moment – they knock heads after dropping a book and going to pick it up at the same time, and then they kiss. They kiss! It’s Mariah’s first kiss. It’s very chaste. Are you ready for this? It is extremely chaste.
Suddenly Paul reached out and held my face in both of his hands. At first his lips on mine felt like the touch of a feather. Then we were both drawing away from each other with the surprise of it all, and then coming together again, the kiss this time no longer questioning, but sure of itself. Our bodies did not touch; our arms did not reach out and encircle each other. Only our lips met for a split second and then broke away.
Do you remember, like, how awkward your first kiss was? Like, whoo, yeah. Like, yeah, I remember, and it sound, sounds very similar to like that. Like, oh, our lips are touching! Let’s not touch anything else to each other! Nooo!
So in the next chapter Paul heads to the hospital, and Mariah spies on them from next door. It turns out she can see the front door of his house from her bedroom. Jim has meanwhile told her that Paul was a late-in-life baby for both of his parents, which is why his parents are so much older than Mariah expected. Mariah’s mom catches her spying out the window, but she doesn’t really scold her. She reassures Mariah and explains why the lumps are potentially dangerous and explains malignancy, but also points out that Paul’s family has a lot of money and can afford all the tests to find out what’s going on, what’s wrong, and to try to keep Paul healthy. Another thing that hasn’t changed in forty years, huh?
Then, no lie, they have to go polish the Abbotts’ silver. And this is one of those moments where I’m really impressed with the writing in this book? Mariah has to shine the forks, and she hates it because the tines are so narrow, but she thinks her mom told her to do the forks so she’d be distracted, ‘cause it’s a lot of work.
And it seems Paul’s mom has been rude to Mariah’s mom too, telling them not to visit Paul in the hospital. Ooh, she’s so charming!
Mariah gets a letter from Elaine, who’s staying in her house, who loves Mariah’s home and has started reading some of the romance novels. And now we stop for some sleuthing. Are you ready for some sleuthing? We have sleuthing. Are you ready? Okay. So this is what she says about the book she’s reading:
I must tell you that I did start to read some of those books! I especially like the one about the girl who is trying to find out about her husband’s family secret, and she is up in the attic, and her sister-in-law walks in and tries to kill her. Don’t tell me what happens!
What is, what, what book is that? Do you know what book that is? I mean, you could probably release that right now, given all the thrillers and Paul – Paul, Paul, not Paul, Earl – Earl Had to Die books, not Paul Had to Die. Foreshadowing.
Paul is in the hospital for longer than he said, for five days, and Mariah works up the nerve to call the house and see how he is, even though Paul’s mom was, like, super rude to her mom and like, don’t visit; don’t call us; we’ll call you. Paul answers the phone – yay! – and invites her over, and when Mariah shows up with a whole entire cake that her mom baked for them – aw! – and a romance novel to show Paul what she wants to write – with whaling and a kidnapping for a harem, ‘cause of course that is what she’s reading – Paul’s mother, whose name is Betty, answers the door and is like, what are you doing here? And Paul’s dad smoothes over the awfulness, but no, Paul did not in fact tell his parents he invited Mariah over, so it’s all super cringey and awkward. But the housekeeper plates the cake on a big cake stand and serves it with linen napkins and super shiny silverware, and Mariah appreciates the shine on the forks and how shiny they are.
The details that just reappear like that are part of what I think works so well in this book. The forks, the shine, the rocks they sit on, the beach – the specificity of the little tiny moments in this book I think are part of the strength of the writing and also part of why I remember it.
A part I did not remember is when they all sit around with the cake and talk about the history of Palm Springs – yawn – and then Paul brings Mariah up to his room to play backgammon. That is not euphemism; he has a table and chairs and a set – [laughs] – all in the corner of his room, should there be a moment for backgammon, and that moment has arrived!
Then they remember their respective fake significant others and are like, what are you doing here? You have a girlfriend! What are you doing here? You have a boyfriend! And then they come clean that the fake boyfriend and girlfriend didn’t exist, and they kiss, and Paul says:
“Mariah, no more games for us, Mariah. Let’s not play anymore games with each other. No more lies. We don’t need them. I love you for just what you are, just you, and I think you love me in the same way.”
And Mariah responds with – [laughs] – Mariah responds with – I’m going to read this without laughing. This is like take three. Okay. [Clears throat]
“Oh, I do!” I hissed, hugging him close.
How do you, how do you hiss that, and why would you hiss at some guy who awkwardly just told you that he loves you?
So apparently going to a boy’s room to play backgammon means actually playing backgammon and then jumping straight ahead to I love you from having just kissed over a book on Mustangs on the floor. That’s what happens.
Paul walks Mariah home very slowly because his strength is not great, and she tells him that she wants to be a writer some day and that she’s left a book in his room. Poor Paul’s mom when she finds a whaling, harem romance in her son’s room that his new next-door girlfriend, who’s the house-sitter’s daughter, has left for him. I want to read this book from Paul’s mom’s perspective? Just that part where she finds the romance. [Laughs] Whaling and a harem, because it is the early ‘80s, of course.
Paul is very impressed that she wants to be a writer, and it turns out – get a load of this!
“My dad writes,” he confessed. “He’s been writing fiction under a different name for about ten years now, and his books are selling very well. But his biggest kicks are when he hears people talking about them in his shop. He’ll have really long discussions with his customers about his books, really enjoying their comments and criticisms. He knows they’re valid ones because the customers don’t know he’s the author.”
So this book has invented live, in-person catfishing; I’m deeply impressed.
The next day, holy crap, Paul’s mom is on the phone saying that it is okay for them to take a trip to the tram that Paul had been planning for them. I mean, she’s totally an ass about it, but Paul shows up with a really, really, really generous gift for Kim, who he noticed likes coloring books, so he bought her like a buttload of art supplies and stretched canvases, and Kim is overjoyed, and Paul and Mariah go off on their date.
And then Paul says – [laughs] – they leave the house – okay, this is so great – Paul and Mariah leave the house, dashing through the backyard –
“Well, my lovable wench,” Paul said as he went out the back gate, “are you sure you wish to spend the day with such a serf forever, never knowing the richness I offer you as lord of the Strobes?” He was imitating the language in the novel I had lent him.
“Paul!” I laughed and yelled at him. “Paul, you’re crazy, but you read it, didn’t you? What did you think?”
He flung open the door of his car for me. “Into the carriage, my plucky little creature, and you will know the scarlet passion that dwells within this hairy chest.”
[Laughs] Okay. [Clears throat]
I was ready for him when he crawled in his side of the car.
Crawled.
My bag with my comb and brush and lipstick and Kleenex was fairly heavy, and it bounced neatly off the side of his head.
Ouch.
“Hey, Mariah, you are plucky!” he screamed, trying to defend himself. With a roar of the motor we were off, laughing like little kids. Our beautiful day was about to begin.
Oh yeah, he read the book. So they go on the tramway – which is a real thing; the Palm Springs tramway still exists – and at the top of the tram they find a dead bird and bury it, and it is an ominous bird, y’all; it is very ominous. Paul then asks if she has ever lost someone to death, which is like a super normal first date convo here, and Paul’s behavior tells you a lot about what’s going on with him. He just skips right to the, like, super intense fifth-date questions. Mariah says no, and Paul tells her about his dog, who died. It’s very sad; I will not recap that so, so it doesn’t sit in your brain. He was very broken up about it, understandably – obviously – and his grandfather had taken him up the tram to a secret spot with a tiny spring for them to dip their feet into. So Paul leads Mariah to that spring, and he says:
“Every time I felt bad about my dog, I’d bring up old memories of him. My grandfather said that people don’t really die if we keep a good memory of them. He said if we just think about the loved one once in a while then that person always remains alive for us. So I’d bring up old memories. Sometimes I’d laugh out loud when I thought about all our good times together. It really worked. He seemed to come alive, to stay alive, whenever I just thought of him.”
Oh boy, that’s sad. On the way out, Paul buys her a “PS, I Love You” bumper sticker, which was mentioned in the Foreword, and Paul encourages Mariah to stop writing historical Gothics and write what she knows – okay, Paul – and study the world around her, which is the advice that his dad gave him, so she listens.
Paul, let the girl write whatever she wants. She wants to write historical Gothics; I like reading them; just let her do her thing. But Paul is like, no, write what you know! Write what’s happening around you!
The next day Kim is asking Jim really rude, intrusive questions about his wife, and that turns out to be a really sad and tragic story. Basically, she left him, she wanted him back, and he refused to go to her out of pride, and then his friend died and he realized, well, life is really short and I shouldn’t hold grudges, so he goes out to where his wife is staying to surprise her, and it turns out she’d died three days prior.
Mariah’s mom then says, well, uh, she has some mail she needs to answer, and she gives the girls instructions to follow before bed, and then she goes up to her room. Dun-dun-duh! Seriously, people.
The next morning – I am telling you, this book just books it through the timeline – Paul isn’t feeling well – uh-oh! – but he says he loves her over the phone, and she is thrilled, and Mariah says it back, but Paul is sick for a week, and he isn’t getting better, which, as I’m reading it, made my eyes sting a little bit, I won’t lie. His parents take him to LA for more tests, and Mariah’s mom very gently tells her that she suspects Paul is very, very sick. I like Mariah’s mom a lot. Mariah’s mom suggests that Mariah, if Paul tries to make big plans, suggest quieter things like backgammon in his room instead or something low-key, because she noticed that he seems very weak and is losing a lot of weight rapidly.
So, all right, y’all listen: take a break. It’s going to get sad from now on in, so strap in; get a blankie. I need, I got my blankie; my heating pad is still going; got my tea. All right, you ready?
The next night the Strobes come to the house very late at night, frantic ‘cause Paul is missing. He’d taken his moped and left because he went to his dad’s office and he found the doctor’s written prognosis that the tumor that they had removed was malignant, it had metastasized all over Paul’s body, and there was nothing more they could do to help him, and the LA hospital trip had confirmed it. And Paul read that on a paper in his dad’s office because his parents hadn’t known how to tell him. Ohhh boy.
So they are frantic, and does Mariah know where Paul is? Yes, she does know where Paul is. Paul’s dad drives her out to the canyon, but Mariah tells him she has to go find Paul alone and that he should wait in the car, and bless his heart, he actually does. Paul is on his rock, and he threatens to hit Mariah with a big stone, but she knows that he won’t – okay – and he starts breaking down. He cries and says he won’t give up, and they sit in silence.
Although we said nothing then, the silence between us was as full of meaning and feeling as if we were holding a long conversation, a talk of our love, our devotion to each other. In the silence I could feel we were exchanging vows to be in love forever.
That’s really intense.
Then summer comes to an end. It’s hard to tell in the desert, but it was time for Mariah’s family to head home, and they go to say good-bye to Paul in his hospital room. He’s trying another treatment, and after that he’s headed to Houston, Texas, for more treatments. Quote:
Someone had to do it so that someday we could lick cancer completely.
Oh my dude, how I wish we were there.
Paul’s mom allows them to say good-bye privately. They hug, he holds her very close to himself, and they kiss, and at the end they promise to write letters.
“So long, Paul,” I whispered. “So long,” he whispered back. I backed away slowly, not wanting to leave. He held onto my arm, and then his hand slid down to my hand and he held my fingers, and then just the tips of them, and finally we weren’t touching anymore.
Mariah and her mom and her sister drive home, and hello, it has only been ten weeks since they left. You remember that feeling where over the summer you just felt like you grew up exponentially, much more than during the school year? Like, the summer is when so much happens. That’s definitely the feeling that is sort of captured in this book.
And in the car, Mariah’s mom says that she’s been writing to Mariah’s father and maybe they’ll try again.
“Your father hurt me, Mariah, hurt me in a way that I think you’re only now beginning to understand. I don’t know if I can do it, but I think I’m willing to try to forgive him.”
Between Jim and Paul, it seems like Mariah’s mom is feeling some, you know, pressure, maybe, but I don’t know. The dad is such a non-character that I withhold judgment, but I, I do extend a hearty side-eye to the messaging that life is short and you should, you know, connect with people who hurt you?
All right, so, listen. Strap in for some anti-fat bias that is really kind of awful here.
They get home and Mariah’s best friend Amy has lost weight! At least ten pounds! And gotten curly hair and is going to get contacts, and Mariah tells her about Paul, but only that he’s someone special and that he’s sick right now. Mariah suggests they go to a movie, but Amy has a date with someone named Kirk Bentley.
Fall rolls in. Mariah’s dad has an apartment nearby, and Mom is taking their reconciliation very slowly – good for her – and Mariah writes to Paul, who seems to live in the hospital now, poor guy, getting experimental treatments. Mariah writes in her journal every day because Paul asked her to, and Elaine and Mariah are really good friends by letter. They write every week! How adorable is that? She doesn’t have time to work on her historical romance because she’s the assistant editor of the school paper! And because Paul had asked her to promise to write a story about herself first and the everyday things that are going on, like they are today.
The next chapter is a letter from Paul dated on Thanksgiving. A hospital aide is writing the note because his hands are weak from all the needles, and he says he doesn’t want Mariah to fly out to visit him, that he wants to see her when he is completely well. But he’s feeling better! He feels stronger! The doctor smiled at him when he said so, so Paul is very optimistic, and oh God, it’s heartbreaking. He wants to get well and visit Mariah and see her home and her thinking rock the way that he showed her his home that summer.
Mariah’s hurt but she agrees in a return letter not to visit until he’s well enough to visit her. Her dad spent Thanksgiving with them and it was just lovely and wonderful, “just like they were a whole family again.”
Side note: Every makeup of people who care for one another is a family. There’s nothing more or less whole or partial about any of them, but yeah, we’ve got heteronormative anti-fat bias, expectations – bleah. Yeah, okay. [Clears throat] Back to the book.
Her mom says she’s getting Mariah the perfect gift for Christmas, but, “The perfect gift would be to have you well again.”
Now, we know that Mariah’s dad bailed on the family on Mariah’s birthday. What do you think are the chances that Paul will die on Christmas? Hmm? Let’s, let’s find out.
On Christmas, Mariah’s mom’s present is revealed. It is a portable electric typewriter! Mariah is overjoyed! Her first task? Typing a letter to Paul. She slips out to mail her letter to Paul, and she doesn’t hear the phone ring as she’s leaving – oh dear. And the last piece of mail she received from him was a Christmas card.
It wasn’t a letter, not even a small note. Just a Christmas card. Paul had written only three words on it, and then he had signed his name. I could hardly recognize his handwriting. It looked like an old man’s. On the card was a picture of tall evergreens standing deep in white snow drifts. The printing inside of it said “Love to you on this special of all days.” Then down below Paul had written his three words: “Sometimes remember me.” And then he had signed his full name.
Oh boy. So Mariah goes to sit on her rock and her mom finds her, and her mom has been crying. The phone call was from Paul’s dad. He’d died early that morning. (I had called it! Dude died on Christmas.) And Mariah doesn’t cry because she knows that if she starts she will never stop.
How is this a romance? This is not a romance! [Sputters] Anyway. We’re almost done.
Mariah is trying not to cry in her room when her mom finds her. How come she couldn’t have a happy ending? And her mom says, “There’s never a totally happy ending. One must always die and leave the other.”
God, this book is so angsty! Whoo!
So on January 2nd, Amy comes to visit and eats an apple instead of a doughnut and says something about sticking to fruit – y’all, eat your doughnuts – and she’s got new clothes and she has to keep her weight down or she won’t be able to wear them. Ugh! Mariah shows Amy her new typewriter, and Amy notices the “PS, I Love You” bumper sticker on the mirror!
Mariah has started her book. She just finished the title. She typed the title, which any writer can relate to. I wrote today! I wrote the title. Yes, good job! And you’ll never guess the title! The title of her book is PS, I Love You, but Amy didn’t realize that the title really meant Paul Strobe, I love you, and that would be her secret, hers and Paul’s, forever.
And that is the end of the book. What the crap? So here’s the thing: is there a word for when the book that you are reading, or the book that I’m telling you about, is Mariah’s book that she wrote about Paul because he told her to write about her life right now? On one hand, nifty motif; on the other hand, that’s not a romance, ‘cause he died! [Laughs] It’s not a romance! How is, how is this a teen romance when it ends so tragically?
Perhaps, perhaps – likely – I’m being a bit rigid in my concept of romance because, well, I’ve been reading them for a really long time. But wow, wow, did this book work on me! I totally cried when I read it, and I knew what was happening! I knew what was going to happen; I’d read this before! It is a romance, sort of romantic story of the Nicholas Sparks variety. Maybe this is where he got his shtick? And it contains romance novels! It contains a heroine that adores them and wants to write them, and in the end the book I am reading is her book, her story of her first love, but wow. Wow, is it sad! It’s like the Judy Blume book with the canyon, with the dead dad, Tiger Eyes. Yeah. It, whoo! It’s really sad. So tragic. So angsty.
The thing that stands out about this book for me, and I’m really curious if you’ve read this too, are the little moments that for some reason my brain held on to, like Mariah digging out strands of her hair so she would have that wispy look, and her sister saying, “Skipalot, Skipalot, Skipalot.”
So – [laughs] – I don’t know how to grade this. I don’t know if I can grade this. Sometimes, sometimes you can’t grade something because of the nostalgia factor; there’s just too much. So how many stars would I give this? I would give this probably a solid four stars.
So that was Barbara Conklin’s PS, I Love You. Did you read this book? Did you read this one? I would love to hear from you. You can email me at [email protected]; put Sweet Dreams in the subject line. I would really love to hear what you thought of this book and what you think of Sweet Dreams novels that you remember. Did hearing this bring back some memories for you? Please let me know; I would dearly love to hear from you because this has been so much fun, and I cannot wait to get to the next one.
This podcast is brought to you in part by Headspace. If you’re like me your thoughts can be confusing enough, but meditation doesn’t have to be! Headspace is your convenient dose of meditation, mindfulness, and sleep exercises to relieve stress and anxiety and help you get a good night’s sleep all in one app, making it easy to catch your breath and make time for your mental health. And it’s one of the most science-backed meditation apps in the world, proving that meditation works. A study proved that in just two weeks Headspace can reduce your stress by fourteen percent. Now, I was skeptical and I wasn’t sure if it would work for me, but Headspace is a great addition to my day, and I have a free sample for you. Are you ready? Want to take a little break? All right, here we go:
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Sarah: Well, that was lovely. Find some Headspace at headspace.com/SARAH and get one month free of their entire meditation library. This is the best Headspace offer available, so go to headspace.com/SARAH today – headspace.com/SARAH.
I always end with a bad joke, and this week I have a special guest for our bad joke.
So I understand you have a joke for me.
Adam Wendell: I do have a joke for you!
Sarah: I’m really excited that you have a joke for me because sometimes it’s hard to find jokes, so tell me this joke.
Adam: All right.
Why don’t people in Athens like to get up early in the morning?
Sarah: Why don’t people in Athens like to get up early in the morning. Okay, why?
Adam: Because dawn is tough on Greece!
Sarah: Oh, boo! Oh, I love it! Oh, it’s terrible, thank you! Excellent!
Adam: You’re very welcome.
Sarah: That was, for anyone who has not recognized this voice, that is Adam, my happy spouse, who usually has to suffer through my bad jokes, right?
Adam: Eh, it’s fine!
Sarah: They’re really bad, though, right?
Adam: I mean, yes, but I also, you know, enjoy them.
Sarah: Yeah.
So thank you to Adam for this week’s terrible joke. If you would like to share a joke with me, you know you can do that, right? At [email protected] or [email protected].
I will be back in two weeks with the next Sweet Dreams romance, Sweet Dreams #2, The Popularity Plan. So this one, PS, I Love You, had some grief and angst. This next one has some absolutely wild gender role concepts and some pretty incredible dating sequences, so I hope that you will tune in for that one, ‘cause, whoo, it’s fun! It’s so fun!
On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend.
Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding shows to listen to at frolic.media/podcasts.
[interesting music]
This podcast transcript was handcrafted with meticulous skill by Garlic Knitter. Many thanks.
So originally I thought I had read this one but I did not remember that ending. But I giggled all the way through the recap until the end. And then sadness. I don’t remember any of the other SD books I read not actually having the HFN.
I loved this book when I was a teen! It was the first contemporary (read: not historical) book I’d read with an ending like that.
I enjoyed the recap, Sarah. I was in college in 1981 so knew of the Sweet Dreams books but never read them. I read books by Rosemary Rogers and Kathleen Woodiwiss but didn’t know the other two authors mentioned with them. Tell Adam thanks for the joke.
I read it 40 years ago.
This reminds me of Saturdays spent begging my mom to take me to the mall to search Waldenbooks or BDalton for new books (which I would buy with money filched from Mom’s purse since the last trip – like she didn’t know where the money came from haha.)
Signed,
—the Master Criminal of the ’80s