Welcome back to Cover Snark! These covers were all sent in by the community!
From Jane Buehler: At first glance (small thumbnail) I thought he was shooting out a laser beam from his chest!
Sarah: That’s an interesting place for a stigmata.
Amanda: Why is he so grainy, like his skin is the texture of a basketball.
Sarah: Wait. WAIT. Whatever this cheetah-print thing is, it is both above and below his pec. What IS that?! Why is it partially encircling his pec? Why is it shooting out pink silly string? WHAT IS THIS.
And this is only the first cover. God help me with this set.
From Jen: My cousin introduced me to you guys a while back. We have a regular cousin chat about your Cover Snark because it cracks us up.
Recently I was at a gift shop and saw this gem. I immediately shared it to the cousin chat and they encouraged me to submit it!
Thanks for giving us all so many laughs.
Sarah: At first glance this looks unremarkable, but the more I looked the tiltier my head got. Why does his chest hair patch match the small patch of hair on his arm? I’m presuming the Yankee’s logo is backwards on purpose but also ????
And her boobs are going in very different directions – unless she’s got one of those bathing suit tops that only holds in one tit and the other is free to roam. I Hate suits like that. Also she’s reading a book called HOWL and that’s very funny.
There are a lot of stylistic choices that I really like, and also some details that I do not get.
Claudia: I have one question — why he doesn’t seem to have eyes?
Sarah: I was wondering that, too! It looks like they got blurred or something? Why does she have features while he does not?
Amanda: Why are we not talking about the fact that he’s a satyr?!
Sarah: A satyr in that shirt!
From Marianne: This popped up in my edelweiss+ pre-approved and I had to embiggen because what was I even looking at? Who wears light beige jeans with their chaps???
Sarah: WHAT is WITH the cowboy-hat-hides-the-faces trend? Do people not like drawing faces? Or is kissing difficult (I imagine it is) to draw?
And WHY would anyone wear light jeans with chaps. I get that it’s a Look, but also it’s a Laundry.
Amanda: It reminds me of when you’re in middle school and you draw people with their hands in their pockets or behind their back so you can avoid it.
Sarah: “Where’s your teal and white cow print cowboy hat?”
“Why?”
“I need it for reasons.”
From Deborah: Is he giving himself a simultaneous breast and pelvic exam under the watchful eyes of Dr Giant Tree Wolf?
Sarah: That’s a very intimidating way to do a breast exam.
Amanda: It also looks like he’s checking his crotch. Perhaps he’s just making sure everything is where it should be.
Sarah: So many cover models do that. Should we be worried?
Her Alien Matchmaker: At first I thought he had some tattoo of circling leopard sharks and the lower one was blasting lasers from its eyes, but now I’m just disappointed. I get that the ‘alien lover’ trope is mainly ‘what if Big Buff Guy, but in Space’ and even at its most sci-fi-y it’s not generally about speculative alien biology (except in Sexy ways), but…this is just a guy. Like it’s just a guy with stickers attached to his chest. Or mesh below his skin? Is he an alien wearing a human suit that doesn’t quite fit? Maybe he’s matchmaking other humans *with* aliens, but is not an alien himself?
The Satyr in Bungalow D: It took me way too long to notice his horns; I thought maybe the satyr was a side character. This one simultaneously has too much detail and not enough for me–we can see the pattern on the awnings of the building way behind them, but the faces are just impressionistic renderings. It’s the dreaded Cartoon Cover’s final form.
Homebound: I lost track of who’s legs were who’s for a minute until I got the butts sorted out. His hands look like action figure hands, and I don’t mean the high quality collectable kind. Also not a fan of covers staring at women’s butts (or boobs). Feels objectifying…and for an audience of mainly women picking up a story that advertises a heteroromance, that’s uh, an odd choice of focus at the center of the picture. Alien pecs I get; I understand the advertising mentality behind the alien pecs. But even for a presumably wlw audience I’d wonder why the emphasis is on a woman’s booty (…and now I’m going down the rabbit hole of cow-butch romances). Then again, I was predestined to dislike this one; “get the girl” by itself is a phrase that disgusts me with its objectification.
JACE: That is one of those tree face decorations that were popular in the mid-2000’s and you’re not convincing me otherwise. Plastic-tree-decor shifter.
Homebound woman is clearly a fashion before function kind of gal. I particularly love that her boots are an entirely different teal and white pattern. I’m now imagining her on her ranch (or her Daddy’s ranch, since romance books usually run this way) raising an entire herd of teal and white cattle.
I’m stuck on the physics of how that tote bag is staying on her shoulder on the cover of The Satyr in Bungalow D. The tote has one strap? And it’s gaping open? The towel is levitating outside the bag? My girl, forget the satyr. You’re losing your books!
How could we miss the lizards looking away, disapprovingly, on Homebound? Do they hate the romance? The Friday-Night-Cowgirl-at-the-Bar outfit? The man-bun? Is the hero so blocky and shapeless because this was originally a sapphic illustration, and the taller, butcher blonde with a bun had to get bulked up?
If drawing faces is hard, hands are harder, the hero’s left hand looks weird in Homebound
The Satyr in Bungalow Squiggle … Uh, that sttructure in the background is not a bungalow.
Why does she have features while he does not? We don’t actually know that, do we. Behind the sunglasses and the lipstick, her face could be a perfect blank.
Jace: Oh, n/m, let’s proceed directly to the series title. Riverwise Private Security. I must say, that seems very appropriate, assuming a series theme of making sure one’s privates are secure.
@Lindsay: How could we miss the lizards looking away, disapprovingly How indeed. But one of the hallmarks of a snarkworthy cover is “I was so distracted by {improbable element A}, I almost overlooked {improbable element B}.
The people on the satyr cover remind me of plastic Barbie skin, except the doll looks more realistic.
I think the Homebound cover could have worked (the pinkish-orange + bright teal is a very striking palette, especially with the little bit of violet on the tassels and hat flower) if the woman wasn’t twisting around so much to show her butt. Is the idea that the white jeans don’t match the chaps because this is a fish out of water city girl + country boy romance? Even then, there has to be a better way to show off her pants. Also, it’s hard to tell with the hair obscuring it, but I feel like she’s squishing her neck too with this posture. Someone check on this poor woman’s spine…
OK, I’ve cracked the case about the Satyr. First of all, I’m blaming AI for the backwards logo, the missing tote strap and other anomolies. But I think this book is set during the mid-20th century, and it’s a Catskill/upstate NY resort hotel(hills in the background). Very few places besides there even use the word “bungalow”. There’s a big main building, but they always had bungalows you could rent. Her bathing suit looks like something from the 1950’s, and the headband, lipstick, earrings and sunglasses all scream 1950’s. And she’s reading “Howl” by Allen Ginsberg, which was published in 1955.
@Karin, just my thoughts. This had me thinking of the hotel in Dirty Dancing.
Homebound: waaaaait, these are not just any lizards, these are chameleons! What on earth are they doing in a cowboy romance???
That was just a really poor color choice for the word ALIEN on that cover. It blends in so well with the background colors I didn’t even see it at first and then it took me a minute to decipher it. It needed a cooler/lighter color to even be visible, let alone tie into the rest of the title.
@Karin I think you are right, the more I look at it the more 50’s coded that cover is. Dirty Dancing Satyrs anyone?
Just looking at that woman’s improbable pose on Homebound makes my back hurt. And the white jeans are not a choice an experienced rider would make. (Thinking of an ex-boyfriend who went on his first horseback ride with tan pants and lived to very much regret it.) And I too want to know what is up with all the lizards.
Jace’s pose and expression give me the impression that he is trying to cover up desperately fast. Change of pace, an extremely modest shifter trying to avoid unnecessary exposure.
On second look, I think the Alien Matchmaker’s dried-out human skin is cracking open to reveal his cheetah-print skin beneath!
Fashion choices aside, the locations of the body parts look wonky to me in Homebound. It reminds me of how sometimes Coco pauses mid-grooming, and he’s sitting with his legs all sticking out and his hips/back/head out of alignment, like a bag of cat parts that didn’t get put together properly. Not that I could do better! Drawing humanz iz hard.
Her Matchmaker: animal print band-aids
The Satyr in the Bungalow: Catwoman in disguise–the shadow logo on her bag
Homebound: the shadow on her pants under her butt seems to originate from him
Jace: looks like that cringey infomercial guy from the 90s, John Basedow
Why does Jace have a Scarlett O’Hara sized waist?
Satyr has a lot wrong, as many have noted. The bit that gets me is the shadows sitting on the lounge chairs by the pool. If this isn’t AI someone on the art team needs to go sit by a pool. People generally don’t sit in between two chairs, nor do they sit in the casual sideways couch pose. Perhaps they’re ghosts? I was going to make a “My eyes are up here, Satyr” comment but without actual eyes, he gets a pass.
Let’s all sing “The Sexy-Sweetie Satyr Boy in Bungalow D” to the tune of “Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy.” Best. Sing-Along. Ever.