Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S19 E11: Still Not the Finale

Welcome to this week’s Bachelorette recap!

My friend Jen is here again.

First of all, this somehow still isn’t a finale. There’s an episode next week as well.

Pudding: Are you shitting me right now?

Nope, I am not shitting you. They are really stretching this shit out.

Pudding: I’m going back to bed.

So we go back to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony where Zach has asked to talk to Rachel privately. He tells her he doesn’t feel like got “the real Rachel” during Fantasy Suites.

Rachel said the vibe was from her trying to gain clarity.

“I did really love you,” Zach says tearfully. “I saw a future with you, but I need to go.”

“I truly need you to know I wish I could have gotten there,” she says.

[Ed. note: where is the ‘there’ they are attempting to reach? Where is ‘there?’] 

Tino can see her walking him out. “Oh Jeez Louise!” he says.

“This is really sad,” Rachel says.

Pudding: Is it though?

Then we cut to a studio in LA where Dale is interviewing Rachel. Zach comes out.

Zach apologizes for making Rachel feel like he questioned her character.

YOU LITERALLY SAID SHE WAS BEING FAKE!

Dale asks if she needs to say anything to Zach. She says, “Everything that happened was awkward, and I’m sorry, but I just wanted clarity.”

What does that even mean?

Dale says people are wondering if something “nefarious or crazy” happened during the overnight date since things were going so well beforehand.

Like what? A murder?

Pudding: Obviously not. That would make the show interesting.

They keep repeating the same verbal diarrhea.

Clarity. Awkward. Closure.

Next we go back to Mexico. Rachel’s suitors will be meeting her family and two best friends. Her dad, Big Tony, looks like he wants to walk into the ocean and end it all.

Rachel says “clarity” again. Take a shot.

First up is Aven.

He talks to Big Tony and says “this isn’t just a joke to me” and that he’s serious about Rachel. He says they share the same values and have the same sense of humor.

“The feelings are so strong,” he says.

Rachel tells her mom she has no doubts about Aven. Her mom says Rachel is glowing.

Then Aven tells Rachel’s friends Nate and Sam that he’s not sure if he’s ready for engagement, which they point out is a big red flag. They relay this to Rachel and she looks shocked.

“This is not what he told me,” she says. She holds her wine glass and stares into the distance angrily like Cersei Lannister.

She and Aven go outside to talk.

Aven tells her nothing has changed, but he wants to make sure it’s right for both of them “in this moment in time.”

She’s confused because she says she asked him if he was ready for an engagement and he said yes. He says he is ready but he wants to make sure it’s right.

Which means he’s not ready.

Jen: This show is a constant feed of decomposing bullshit.

Indeed.

“Why am I telling everyone in there this is serious and you’re saying you’re not ready to get engaged?” she asks.

“I have no doubts of us getting there, whether it’s in a few days or… I just want you, Rachel,” Aven says.

Rachel says she’s confused.

Aven says he’s ready for an engagement but he wants to make sure the timing is right.

Aven eventually leaves and there’s no real resolution and Rachel cries.

We cut back to LA and Dale says he never expected Aven to question whether or not he was ready for engagement.

Next up Erich is going to meet Gabby’s family, included the much beloved Grandpa John.

Gabby says they are only meeting Erich, but omits that the other guys left.

“I know Erich,” says Grandpa John. “He’s a [BLEEP].”

Lord protect Grandpa John. He is a treasure.

Gabby’s aunt says that you can tell from “the gleam in her face” that Gabby found her person.

Do faces gleam? Is that a skincare issue?

Later Gabby cries to her aunt that she still feels unworthy of love because of how her mom treated her.

“Let him see you for all that you are,” her aunt advises.

Or, hear me out, maybe do some intensive therapy and heal all that trauma before committing to a serious relationship.

Also you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to be loved and fulfilled.

Back in LA, Dale suggests Grandpa John be the next Bachelor.

Then we go back to Mexico where Tino is meeting Rachel’s parents and friends. Rachel’s mom notices that she doesn’t seem as excited as she was when introducing Tino.

Her face, apparently, is not gleaming.

Her mom asks Tino outright if he thinks his family would come to love Rachel. While she’s interrogating him he–and I am not even making this up–yawns.

During his conversation with Big Tony, Tino says the only thing he talked to his dad about during Hometowns was sports. So…not the woman you’re dating on TV?

Pudding: This guy is a tool, certified forklift driver or no.

Later Rachel goes to talk to Aven. He says he’s sorry for making her upset and making her cry.

“The next step in this is so important because I want to be with you, but realizing I want more time with you…” Aven says. He says he wants more time to get to know each other and spend time outside the show in real life together.

All of this seems entirely reasonable to me.

Rachel goes back to being embarrassed that she and Aven weren’t on the same page when they met her family and friends.

“I felt so blindsided by you,” she says. “When I sat down with Sam and Nate and they said you don’t even know how he feels about you? Do you know how that felt to me?”

He says he got “caught up in it” with regards to being ready for an engagement in two weeks, but his feelings for her haven’t changed and she still wants to be with her.

She says, “I want to be engaged. I want someone who is sure of me. And I’m not willing to sacrifice that at the end of the day.”

I’d like to remind people that the “winner” of this show and the Bachelorette will have spent approximately three consecutive days together when they get engaged.

Aven seems like the most rational person there.

Rachel says she can’t move forward and it’s over. She sobs.

Back in LA, they bring Aven on stage.

Jen asks how I do this every season, then turns to me and says: You are a strong, strong human being.

Aven apologizes for blindsiding her and letting her down. He says he didn’t fully understand what she wanted or needed.

THE SHOW IS SUPPOSED TO END IN ENGAGEMENT HOW ARE YOU CONFUSED?

He says, “I wanted to continue our relationship. Move past. Move forward.”

Put your right foot in. Put your left foot in…

I’m so tired you, guys.

Dale asks Aven if he feels Rachel’s friends sabotaged their relationship.

Not rising to the bait, Aven says not at all.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck you, Dale.

So then Dale says, “I know we’re over our allotted time, but what we have to discuss is so important we’ve actually gotten special permission from ABC to rejoin our 10pm show in progress.”

HOW IS THIS IMPORTANT?!

THIS IS NOT BREAKING NEWS!

WHY ARE WE INTERRUPTING REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING?!

NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS IMPORTANT! NOTHING! IT’S NOT EVEN INTERESTING!

I love Gabby’s hair, BTW.

Then we get Gabby’s final date with Erich. What is the point of this? He’s the last one left? Can we move on now?

Pudding: I don’t have enough nip for this.

They make out a lot and it’s loud. Also Erich is growing a mullet.

They go out on the balcony and Erich says, “I wish I knew better and I could say this is 100% everything.”

WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

“We have to listen to ourselves,” Gabby says.

Are they having strokes at the same time? Did they CGI them in a scene together?

Then Erich says he wants to date her before they get engaged. “Isn’t that how things usually go?”

Gabby starts to cry. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” she says to a PA. “I’m so sick of this.”

Erich follows her into the hall. She ignores him.

“Here we are, a big fat dumpster fire,” Gabby says.

Under her breath Jen says: It’s okay, Jen. People are allowed to like things. But it’s so fucking dumb.

We broke Jen.

And that’s it. We still have one episode left.

That’s it. Are you watching?