Cover Snark: Yes, We Have Another Bear Cover

Sometimes the Cover Snark gods and goddesses really do giveth.

"Grizzly

From lils: “Not sure if this model encountered a real bear or just a bad photo shopper.”

Sarah: Is grizzly cove a new euphemism I didn’t know about?

Elyse: He’s melting into the bear. They are merging on a cellular level.

Charlotte: His nipples are staring disapprovingly at the bear.

Sarah: Those are VERY disapproving nips, you’re right.

Sneezy: How is that creepier than when nipples are looking at us?

Catherine: His right arm is either an anatomical study or the bone is coming out. Or maybe it is the leg of a pro cyclist after a race? Whatever it is, I do not like it, Sam I Am.

Lara: I’m just going to go there. This duo looks like they have been caught in flagrante delicto and the bear, in particular, is pissed about it. Or perhaps confused? As confused as I am?!

Claudia: Didn’t we do this or am I getting my bears confused?

Lara: There are so many bears…

EllenM: The bear does look pissed!!

Slayer by Cyndi Friberg. A man is walking through a sparkly lightning shower while wearing a cheap, purple, long-haired party city wig.

Elyse: Purple lightning jizz!

Amanda: I am at a loss for words.

Lara: Is he… an elf? Also, award this for the worst photoshopped hair.

Sarah: That’s not any of the dudes from Slayer.

Sneezy: Why that…wig?

Amanda: I think calling it a wig is too generous.

EllenM: Someone went to Party City instead of the salon.

Tara: That must be where they got the ears too.

Catherine: That wig is definitely from a $2 shop. And he’s not happy about it.

Maya: Honestly, it looks like they stole a hairstyle from the Sims.

CarrieS: Into each generation a Slayer is born, and this guy is not it.

Pure Surrender by Aja James. Ominous clouds encircle a full moon as a naked dude covers up his dongus.

From Nora

Sarah: I think he really, really has to go wee.

Lara: Did he surrender his penis?

Tara: Is this going to get banned on Amazon?

Sarah: We may surrender to that possibility, certainly.

Tara: I want to know why he has on wrist wraps and a hood, but nothing else. Is he wearing wrestling shoes or something too?

Elyse: I want to know where his pubic hair went.

Sarah: He has a dagger on his shoulder. Maybe his penis is detachable and lives there part time?

Sneezy: The texture of his legs and part of his torso looks weird. Is he rotting off from the bottom up, and he’s trying to keep his penis from falling off?

AJ: Who’s up for a King Crimson singalong?

Catherine: I like the fart cloud behind him.

Charlotte: This seems like a great time to remind us all of the iconic Wanda Sykes Detachable Pussy monologue.

Ellen: It’s mostly overshadowed by everything else going on with this cover, but there is something TRULY upsetting going on with the arm and shoulder performing the crotch grab.

"This

Amanda: Not really a snark since the cover is fine but…

I misread the title as “This Thick Marmot” and I thought “Yes, tell me more about this chonk!”

Sneezy: Maybe it’s about a magical chonk.

Claudia: I’ve seen magic spelled like that before and I don’t understand why…does anyone know?

Amanda: It’s usually to differentiate between performance magic and the occult magick.

Sarah: No shit, really?

Claudia: Oooh

Amanda: Yeah, Alistair Crowley who was a weird and creepy dude and I THINK a Satanist? did a lot of stuff on magick. With a K, it’s for ritualistic magic stuff.

Here’s a more in depth analysis. There’s also numerology elements to making it a 6-letter word – magic vs. magick.

CarrieS: An Aside – as anyone who has been backpacking in the Sierras can attest, marmots are assholes. Also why is there a cat on the cover? Cats aren’t marmots! I like the cover design though.

Comments are Closed

  1. Kareni says:

    I propose an Australian set sequel for the last book, This Magick Marmite.

  2. Julie B. says:

    King Missile, not King Crimson. But yeah, I started singing that song in my head as soon as I saw this cover.

  3. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    I read MARMOT’s author’s name as either Sharon Rape or Sharon Tate, which should be an indication the mess quarantine has made of my rational thinking skills.

  4. Sandra says:

    Surrender’s nipples glow in the dark. Two little points of light looking at me…..

  5. EC Spurlock says:

    I feel like Mr Grizzly’s head was a bear head and he has taken it off and tucked it under his arm like the Headless Horseman. (Headless bearman?)

    Mr Slayer is out to get the person making jokes about his bad cosplay of the older brother in “Onward”.

    OK so are they The Pure Ones because they only service themselves instead of getting it on with someone else?

  6. Luce says:

    I didn’t think this possible but a bear cover is looking good. Well, compared to everything else going on here. That Slayer cover is unbelievable. And on top of the purple wig it’s guilty of the too many different letter types.
    And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse along came Pure Surrender. “A novel of the pure ones” It seems so darkly explicit and anything but pure that I am hopeful it’s all an ironic joke.

  7. Wait, what? says:

    Slayer’s face doesn’t match his body. His face looks like he would carry a skateboard and call everyone “dude”

  8. TinaNoir says:

    I am calling it. Slayer’s purple hair is not wig, but bad photoshop. Like the ears.

    I actually feel bad for the cover model. I am sure that guy gave a great photo shoot with his best blue steele only to see that cover come out with that terrible purple hair. He did not go to cover model school to be done that dirty!

  9. Kit says:

    Slayer: the only worse wig is one of those glitter ones.

    Pure Surrender: pass me the smelling salts. How on earth did they get that past the radar?

  10. Jiobal says:

    Surrender: Not only are there 5 to 13 books in this series, apparently, but most of them have similar covers. EC Spurlock actually got pretty close: having sex will kill the fated mate. That makes almost as much sense as the cover (which looks to me like he is sitting on a horse, bareback?). Anyway, the reviews state that there is an Amazon Warrior and a Dragon, fwiw.

  11. Merle says:

    Why do Grizzly Cove’s collar bones appear to be peeling off? Shudder.

    What is the cylindrical protrusion under the wrapping on Pure Surrender’s right arm? And what is he holding in his right hand– a mouse by the tail? a tampon by the string? Is his left leg dissolving?

    Is the cat on This Magic Marmot weeping because someone thinks it is a marmot?

  12. Glenda says:

    That cat is crying because the author – or cover designer – confused it with a marmot. Plus said cover designer made it thick.

  13. Louise says:

    Pure Surrender makes me think of those ill-advised T-shirts with a huge block of text in tiny print right across the boob area: I’m not really peering at his crotch, I’m just trying to read the words. If You Can Read This, you’re staring too hard.

    otoh, it does get one upvote–or, at least, deduct one from its downvotes–for having everything in approximately the same font. (Pro tip: Don’t look too long at the title, or those variable sizes–what on earth is so special about U?–will give you severe vertigo.)

    This Magick Marmot: I think the people who spell it that way are the same people who insist on vampyre. Except, er, isn’t it strictly a noun when spelled, or spelt, that way? My brain is left wanting “marmot” to be a verb.

  14. Emma says:

    That poor cat-marmot needs to see a vet about its eyes.

    This is opposite of cover snark, but Mia Vincy’s A Dangerous Kind of Lady just landed in my Overdrive shelf. The cover for this one is a really pretty watercolor painting of the lady standing outside on a breezy evening. Very different look from the usual romance book cover, but looking back at her previous books, the pretty watercolor cover is indeed a theme of hers that I somehow hadn’t picked up on.

  15. batgirl says:

    Grizzly Cove guy looks as if he’s splitting in half to birth a small grizzly from his abs.
    But Pure Surrender guy is more horrifying. Why are his arms bandaged and with weird lumps? Is he a leper? And worse, what the everloving is the fleshy dangling thing hanging over his left arm? Does he have a trunk, or dangling ears, or what?

  16. Jaws says:

    There’s only one possible response to Pure Surrender‘s, umm, pose:

    Put that silly little thing away!

  17. chacha1 says:

    Those are three fantastically awful covers, I can’t even believe how naked that Surrender guy is, and then the non sequitur cat. Cat =/= marmot. Why.

  18. denise says:

    Slayer reminds me that you shouldn’t dye your hair purple during Covid-19. There are some colors best done by a professional. The hair color only penetrated my roots. I have purple roots. Thank goodness I wear a mask when I go out. My main mask is purple.

    What amazes me is some people think I did it on purpose and they think it’s cool. lolol

  19. Heather says:

    I’m not sure why this bothers me in the midst of Slayer’s other atrocities, but his right arm is enormous compared to his left. Ah, Photoshop.

  20. Kasey says:

    On the Bianca D’Arc cover-they may have been caught in the act. Her books are like that sometimes. I haven’t read one with bears (of either sort) but the dragons get up to some wacky shenanigans!

  21. Devious says:

    In the Grizzly Cove cover, the nips look kinda googly eyed to me.

    And why does the Slayer guy’s belly button have an eyeball? I mean, that glint ….

  22. Caperton says:

    Clearly, on Pure Surrender, the way he’s holding his junk right about the line “There’s a reason he can’t ever lose control” indicates that if he starts peeing, it’s going everywhere and there’s no stopping until he’s done.

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