I feel like I should apologize for Cover Snark being so nip-heavy, but truly, the Snark giveth.
Sarah: It’s like the dude from twilight and Richard Moll had a baby, and it’s the dude, not the infant.
Lara: If there were ever a case for “copy and paste is a mistake”, this cover would be it.
Maya: Is there a pair of feet sprouting from the bassinet????
Amanda: The bassinet is giving me Baby Yoda vibes.
Sarah: Wait, does it walk? I can think of some babies who would have slept VERY Well with a walking bassinet making loops around the bedroom like a sleepy roomba.
Amanda: Well…the Baby Yoda bassinet hovers.
Sneezy: I was about to say the same, Maya!!!! What IS that?!
EllenM: Not the most wtf thing about the cover but I can’t get over all the LOOOOOPS in that author name font.
Susan: I’m so glad this is in here, because I saw it on Netgalley and was immediately like ??????
WHY ARE THERE TINY FEET
Susan: It took me so long to realise that there was a leaf in front of the guy’s head and he didn’t have huge elf ears.
Catherine: Once you see the elf ear, you can’t un-see it. I have questions about her right hand.
1. Why is it the only hand with a glove?
2. Why does the glove in no way match her dress?
3. Is… she missing a finger?
Also, why is he leading her into the sea? I’m getting an evil-selkie-come-to-drown-her vibe..
Amanda: It reminds of a break up photo where the woman knows she looks good and waits to keep the pic but still wants to block out the dude ruining it.
Sneezy: I feel like I keep complaining about this, but Leaf Elf Ear Man looks like a ghost. Is he there to lead her into the light???
Catherine: He’s a selkie and he’s going to drown her. I am 100% sure of this. (It might not be malicious. They sometimes forget that humans can’t breathe water. Same outcome, though.)
Sneezy: Are they the ones who also turn into a horse? Don’t some of them drown people to eat them?
Catherine: I think those are Kelpies or each-uisges. They usually turn up looking like a beautiful black horse and then they ride into the sea or the loch with you and drown you, and maybe eat you too. But there is no horse freaking out in the background, so I don’t think this can be a kelpie.
I was more thinking of this story.
He looks the part, I think.
Sneezy: Oh ya!!!! My bad. The story jogged my memory. Hailey Edwards had them in her Black Dog series.
The Seal Man is so sad though! They should have had their HEA!
…also I can’t stop seeing Leaf Ear Man as Selkie Leaf Ear Man. It’s the only thing that explains why he’s dressed like a 19th century poet reject.
Catherine: Exactly.
CarrieS: Sneezy is right. He’s obviously a ghost. Look how transparent he is. He tries to convince her to follow him into death. It’s like The Ghost and Mrs. Muir only super horrifying. Say what you will about selkies and kelpies – neither of them are transparent.
Amanda: Blasting his nips for Jesus
Tara : Amanda, I’m cackling at that caption and my kid is looking at me like I’m nuts.
I also like how they put the title over his package. “Don’t look at it. Don’t think about it.”
Sarah: “Just trust us. It’s Amazing.”
Amanda: My eyes keep ping ponging around. Nip to crotch to other nip back to crotch again.
Susan: Is it just me or do his jeans look pasted on?
Sneezy: I also like how nip guy’s dick is Amazing Grace. Maybe his pipe will serenade you as his nipples stare at you.
CarrieS: Every time I see terrible photoshop like this I just go, “But WHY? IS there no one who will pose for a romance novel cover?” That guy’s head is not even attached! Is it a horror tie in to the killer ghost book? Is this like that story about the Bride with the Black Ribbon Around her Neck? Is his head going to FALL OFF?
Catherine: Am I seeing things or is there another cross directly under his right nipple? Quite a large one. Not sure if it’s a scar or a shadow or a tattoo, but it’s definitely ill advised…
Sneezy: Hello boobs
Elyse: That looks like the boulder from 127 hours.
Amanda: Having the heroine be the literal and figurative cougar was a missed opportunity.
Sarah: Indeed.
CarrieS: We have actual cougars here, they wander into people’s back years on parts of the city. And let me tell you, if you get captured by a cougar, there ain’t nothing romantic about what happens next.
Catherine: That’s some serious cleavage from our hero.
Sneezy: Maybe his vest has a built in push-up bra.
Grayson looks sufficiently sleep deprived for looking after a baby – ten points for realism!
Regarding Grayson, not only does the author’s name have too many flourishes, but also an overabundance of repeated letters. Too bad she couldn’t squeeze an extra D into Linda.
Also, is the hero wearing a clip-on bow tie with a collarless shirt?
You have to give Lady Savage credit: not only is she willing to date a man who is both shorter and smaller than she is, but she’s also apparently unaffected by his somewhat unorthodox Regency-era faux-hawk.
Re Amazing Grace: How many necklaces is too many? I think we may have an answer.
Leaf ear man head is also inside the bell flower. Don’t even know how that is done. It’s like a flower mask.
Lady Savage: Gosh, I’m glad the fine print says it’s a Regency Romance. A classic one at that, or is that the name of the imprint? I would otherwise never have guessed it from that backless, flare-skirted dress.
Captured (by her) Cougar: Is the reader supposed to misread it initially as “Captured Cougar” and then say “Oh, wait, it’s Captured by her Cougar”? What the heck does that even mean? Whose cougar? Is she–whoever she is–personally a cougar, or does she keep one as a pet, in an upgrade of those old cartoons where a man has trained his dog to entangle its leash around an attractive woman’s legs?
Building on all the things you pointed out that are wrong with ‘Amazing Grace,’ plus that clunky headline font on the package-obscuring title … there are so many WTFs in that image. Why is he flexing out in the (completely barren) dirt yard, for one thing. If the house is behind him, what’s with the turquoise sheer blowing across the viewer’s field of vision; is he flexing at the window of another house? Is he flexing in the (completely barren) dirt yard of the next-door-neighbor? Does she (or he!) not mind that his pants are pasted on? If that’s his house behind him, why didn’t he bring over a flower or something instead of standing there like his nips will solve everything? If he doesn’t live in either of those houses, why is there not a shotgun pointing out the turquoise sheer-bedecked window he’s flexing in front of?
Maybe the head on the Amazing Grace guy is actually a cardboard cutout worn as a mask, and his arms are in that position because he is tying the strings of the mask behind his head. Alas, he didn’t quite understand what the CDC meant when they said “wear a mask.”
Lady Savage time traveled to the present day to appear in a reality show so she could participate in the trendy, but now fading, “Trash the Dress” craze.
@chacha1:
By gum, you’re right: Amazing Grace Guy IS in the neighbor’s yard; you can tell because there’s a fence between. This, in turn, means that the whole image is from the POV of a neighbor (presumably young, female, single and attractive) who is not even pretending to hide that she is ogling him.
Alternative explanation: He is showing off for his own SO in his own yard, and the house on the other side of the fence is simply a red herring. Although, come to think of it, the curtains–the non-turquoise ones–are hanging rather oddly. Is someone peering at him from that side?
Given enough time–and these days, what else have we got?–the collected bitchery could probably come up with a storyline that is immeasurably better than whatever is actually contained between the covers of the book.
@Louise OMG YES there totally is someone ogling him from behind. Wow that book just went sliding off the romance highway and into the stalking ditch.
Ten years ago, “his hed is pastede on yay!” was a sarcastic response to fan pasting unconvincing picture of love object in their bedroom with them.
Society has advanced enough for publishers to buy “pastede on yay” pictures from cover artists–and people to buy the books.
Say what you will about selkies and kelpies – neither of them are transparent. THis sentance is gold. And watch out, you declare something like this and suddenly vampires are waltzing around at noon in Puerto Vallerta.
Am I the only one who looks at Jesus Nipples Man’s cover and can’t un-see that the negative-space around the fence tops spell out “TITTY”?