Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S24 E8: Why is there an airplane in here?

Welcome to the cringey-est night in television–the hometowns episode of The Bachelor. Tonight Peter travels to Madison, Kelsey, Hannah Ann, and Victoria F’s respective hometowns where he meets their families.

Why is the secondhand embarrassment so high? Because a lot of the time, contestants’ families aren’t really prepared for the shitshow that is this franchise. Not to mention that visiting with a dude who is dating your daughter, and three other women, and who might have sex with them in the Fantasy Suite is just fucking weird.

First up is Hannah Ann, who is from Knoxville, Tennessee. She tells Peter that her dad is a tough guy, and that she needs Peter to toughen up. They go axe throwing and are not good at it. Remember how last episode Hannah Ann wrote Peter a list of the reasons why she likes him (and how she doted her i’s with hearts?)? Well, Peter wrote her a list too. He says he loves how “intentional” she is, and I have no idea what that means.

Then they meet Hannah Ann’s family. Her father, Rick, is clearly not impressed. “We were excited to see Hannah Ann…and then of course she went and brought Peter with her,” he says. He draws in a deep breath and then says with no affectation, “which is of course new and exciting.”

Rick asks the same question everyone asks, which is, how is your relationship with my daughter different than your relationship with the other women? Peter tells Rick he’s falling in love with Hannah Ann.

So then Peter does tell Hannah Ann that he loves her and she says it back and they make out noisily. Then Peter tells the camera, “Hearing that, from Hannah Ann, it was a great feeling to hear someone feels that way about you. It’s all that I’ve wanted. Is that validation. I’ve said it over and over, I just want someone to want me as badly as I want them.”

I feel like there’s a lot to unpack there and none of it is good.

Next up we go to Des Moines, Iowa, home of Kelsey’s special champagne. Keeping things on theme, they crush grapes together and go wine tasting.

Peter says he can’t get enough of Kelsey. Kelsey tells Peter she loves him. Then they meet Kelsey’s family. Kelsey, her mother and her sisters all have the exact same haircut and color. It’s a little Stepford-wifey.

Kelsey’s mom makes a toast. “To Peter, we are so blessed to have you in our home. And to Kelsey,” she pauses and her affect goes flat and unenthusiastic . “Welcome home.” I honestly don’t think it was intentional but it was pretty damn funny.

I would also like to point out that we probably aren’t seeing the actual homes of these families. Most of the time, people “borrow” a nicer house from a friend or family member for the hometown episode and film there.

So Kelsey’s mom said that they have some of her favorite food and pushes a plate of Crab Rangoon toward Peter.

“These are Crab Rangoon!?” he exclaims like he’s just seen a ghost.

Then he tells a story about how he’s never had them before and how he and Kelsey talked about it on their first date and…

Kelsey’s mom asks Peter not to break Kelsey’s heart. Peter doesn’t tell Kelsey he’s falling in love with her.

Next up Peter goes to Auburn, Alabama, Madison’s hometown.

“We’re in Auburn right now! This is insane!” Peter says.

I’m starting to think that Peter is just surprised by random things.

Anyway, they go to Auburn University and the basketball arena. Charles Barkley appears on the jumbo tron-thingy and tells Peter to take good care of Madison. We learn that Madison’s dad is a basketball coach at the university.

Peter says he “can’t get enough of this girl” which is exactly what he said about Kelsey.

At dinner he tries sweet tea for the first time.

Madison’s mom worries that Madison’s religion will impact their relationship. She reveals that Madison is saving herself for marriage. Her dad, Chad, hedges around the fact that he’s worried she’ll have sex with Peter.

“When you were a little baby I laid my hands on you and prayed for your future husband,” he says. “And I’m not ready to say it’s him.”

Peter tells Madison that he’s falling in love with her, but she doesn’t say it back.

Finally we go to Virginia Beach, Virginia, where Victoria F is playing with her dog on the beach. Peter arrives and they go to one of those old time photos places. I am trying to figure out what time period these clothes are supposed to be from and it’s making my brain hurt.

So then they have one of those pop up concert thingies. Victoria F apparently didn’t date this singer. Also Peter does this thing when he dances where he just points at the other person with both hands and it’s weird.

So then Peter is stopped by Marissa, a woman he used to date. They blur out her face like she’s the witness in a homicide.

She tells Peter that she was friends with Victoria F, and that she’s broken up many relationships and she doesn’t think it’s a good idea for Peter to date her.

Peter’s SUV pulls up in front of Victoria F’s house, and he tells her about what Marissa said. Victoria F denies that she’s ever broken up any relationships.

“You’re supposed to meet my family tonight, and you decided that what Marissa had to say was more important than meeting my entire family,” she says angrily.

They are argue and she says, “I’m fucking so done.” She walks away and yells at the camera man for following her.

Eventually she walks back to Peter. She says she was going to tell him she was falling in love with him, but she can’t do that now and says Peter took Marissa’s side.

Peter said he never took her side, he just wanted to ask about it and they fight some more. He accuses her of walking away and not fighting for what she wants. Victoria F does a lot of snotty crying.

In the end Peter leaves without meeting her family.

The next morning there’s a knock on Peter’s hotel room door and it’s Victoria. They spared no expense for Peter’s room, BTW because it even has a kitchenette!  They apologize to each other and Peter says they have no communication skills when they’re together and things implode.

So yeah, that’s definitely the sign of a good relationship.

Victoria F says that for some reason she can’t walk away from him, and he points out that’s exactly what she does. Then she tells him she’s falling in love with him.

At this point I have to stop to keep Chips from eating a dirty Kleenex and frankly, that sounds more enjoyable than listening to these two squabble.

So then it’s time for the final Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison meets all the women as they exit their limos. They go into a hangar where a shiny jet sits in the background. There’s a square of red carpet and this very distressed looking metal box that the roses sit on. None of the staging makes any sense.

I want the women to knock Peter out (with a bottle of Kelsey’s Iowa wine) get in the jet and flee to someplace better.

I tried to find a picture of this bizarre set and wasn’t successful, but a Redditor pointed out they used the same set up in JoJo’s season.

Madison and Hannah Ann get the first two roses. The final rose goes to Victoria F because we’re going to have to deal with more crying and fighting before the Rose God is satisfied.

So then Kelsey and Peter sit down on a random bench in the middle of the hangar. Peter tells her he “just wasn’t there.” He tells the other women that he knows his future wife is in that hangar with him.

As they walk away Madison asks to talk to him because she wants him to know about her saving her virginity prior to Fantasy Suite week.

Then as the credits roll we get to see clips of Victoria F’s family, and it’s a bummer we didn’t get to meet them because they’re hilarious.

“Are you ready to meet Pilot Pete?” her mom asks, clearly prompted to say that.

“Why do we have to call him Pilot Pete? Why can’t we just say Peter Weber?” an older male relative grouses.

“That’s what everyone calls him,” her sister says.

“Well, I’m not going to. It’s stupid,” he announces.

Man, I would watch an entire episode of this guy just shit talking the franchise.

And that’s where we end. Are you still watching?