Cover Snark: Dr. Nips, Private Practice

Cover Snark is here for all your Monday needs!

Centaur Redemption by Nancy Straight. A man and woman are displayed from the torso up in a forest. The woman is wearing a black tank top and the man is shirtless. He has a startlingly long neck.

Amanda: Is his neck the horse part?

Elyse: Yikes. He has too much neck and she has none at all.

Sarah: He looks so uninterested in any kind of redemption – presuming that he is the centaur. It could be her. That would be interesting.

I’ve only read one book with a female centaur now that I think about it.

Carrie: He’s just not into you.

Sarah: He looks so annoyed to be standing in that forest. Like, “Gawd, trees AGAIN?”

Sneezy: Be GRATEFUL you still HAVE a forest, you BRAT! I hope the girl’s the centaur and stomps some goddamn SENSE into him! “WE. NEED. THE. FUCKING. TREES!”

Actually I just hope she stomps him.

Ellen: The man looks like a wax figure of Aaron Eckhart. Also his nipple is like…cradled by the E in “centaur.”

A dude is pressing a woman up against a wooden wall. His forearm is flattened against the woman to the point where it's misshapen.

From Antipoedean Shenanigans: I kept seeing this Photoshop disaster in my Goodreads feed and finally decided to send it in for Cover Snark.

Maybe this is what the Brawny paper towel guy’s arms look like without his flannel.

Sarah: I physically recoiled when the image loaded. I get that it’s just the angle, but –

Amanda: His arm looks like one of those bit mutton legs you get at a renaissance fair.

Sarah: I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THAT. Turkey leg at Six Flags!

Carrie: I’m not sensing enthusiastic consent from her.

Elyse: The more you look at this one the weirder that arm gets.

Sneezy: Shawarma arm.

Ellen: The arm looks like a leg-of-mutton sleeve but its…its just his arm.

Lara: I am dazzled by that eyebrow-smirk combo, but not in a happy way. In a where-is-the-exit-I-must-leave kind of way.

Tara: Jesus fuck, no. My brain is rebuking the arm (and me for looking at it).

One Girl, Five Hungry Beasts by Hollie Hutchins. Five screaming and shirtless dudes surround a pregnant and masked woman who is wearing a silver dress. A howling wolf is in the background next to a yellowish green full moon.

From Ashley: This appeared in my Amazon recommended list (likely as some sort of karmic punishment for unknown sins) and I had to suggest it for cover snark. Because I can’t even bear to look at it, let alone figure out what is happening.

Sarah: What do you think the stock image search terms were? ‘Screaming angry muscles flexing with rope and a hoodie?’

Also from Jen, same cover: Wolves, a noose, a masquerade mask, a pregnant belly, and rage-filled or possibly orgasmic men. It’s all there! I don’t even know where to start.

Elyse: That’s a lot of bronzer…

Carrie: Is it a cannibal romance? An as-yet unexplored niche?

Sarah: Oh, gosh I hope not. That’ll give me even more nightmares.

Amanda: It reminds me of the people blob from the movie Slither.

Sneezy: Carrie, NO, Amazon will HEAR you! *jams tin foil hat on head* At least that woman will make out okay. While she floats off to wherever, all the dudes will continue screaming, flexing, or star gazing.

Ellen: Of the many upsetting things on this cover, I think I’m most upset by the casual noose.

Tara: Are the dudes supposed to be roaring? The guy in the front looks like he’s singing, which now makes me think the others might be singing too.

Maya: …why the wolf, tho? And why is the moon radioactive?

Surprise Delivery by R.R. Banks. A man in blue scrubs is lifting up his shirt to expose a nipple. He also has a surgical mask that is half hanging off his face.

Amanda: Is his nipple the delivery?

Elyse: Dr .Nips has been juicing.

Amanda: I wonder if all the Dr. Nips have their own practice.

Sarah: I’m surprised by his nipple. It’s looking at me.

Carrie: Another case of confusing romance with horror. I saw this X-Files episode. It was not romantic.

Sneezy: Is that a cord jammed between his pec and his abs? Is he about to pull an Akira? I’m concerned.

Ellen: New baby who dis.

Lara: Removing a mask + showing a nipple + looking pensive = not a combo that I have ever considered could this be a kink that I was unaware of?

Comments are Closed

  1. Kit says:

    Seriously all of Hollie Hutchens’ covers are awful! Why is one guy looking to the sky in exasperation and one has a noose around his neck? I reckon neither of them wanted to be on the cover. We should start a helpline!

  2. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    Behold—a wolf-shifter-reverse-harem romance. Apparently there really is something for everyone.

  3. Sandra says:

    There is something coming out of the singer’s head trying to penetrate the harem girl’s armpit. As if there already wasn’t enough wrong with that cover.

  4. Claudia says:

    To thosw who have read Centaur romances: do they… shift to… be full human or

    Also: 1 Girl, 5 Hungry Dudes: where are their shirts? why is she wearing a mask? Who’s the dad? Are the dudes related?

  5. Trish says:

    The thing coming out of the guys head is an extra arm!! There is a hidden man or someone has three

  6. Vivi12 says:

    Her hair is completely animate- there’s a face on the left maybe a lion face? And sea monsters or serpents on the right. The cover seems like one of those magic spells that make your eyes just slide over an object, in this case because the image is so appalling…

  7. bnbsrose says:

    Seriously people, that first cover? He’s checking out her centaur ass.

  8. marjorie says:

    “Shwarma arm” made me literally burst out laughing. I scared the cat.

  9. TamB. says:

    Is Dr. Nips the centaur guy but making eye contact???

  10. Tina says:

    I mean… I guess… if I were hungry I don’t think screaming into the void would be my first or even my best life choice.

    Also what does she have in her hand? It looks like she is peeling off her own skin? Is that how she plans to feed them?

  11. HeatherT says:

    That’s not how elbows work.

  12. Kit says:

    And the last cover I thought it said Sepsis delivery…

    That isn’t good.

  13. SusanE says:

    At first glance I thought the woman was trying to stab herself with a pointed green leaf. Not that I blame her for being that desperate. Even the wolf can’t bear to look at what’s going on.

  14. Zyva says:

    Re: dudes howling at the moon.
    Somebody made a musical of Scary Movie 3?

  15. Kit says:

    Having attempted read a Hollie Hutchens, I can say probably the best thing about her books are the covers. They are very poorly written and I wouldn’t recommend them

  16. Katie says:

    I was really freaked out by the disembodied arm on the 5 Beasts cover. It actually took me a while to notice it because there were so many other bizarre and horrifying things to see (e.g., WTF is in her hand and why is there a noose), but the arm is probably the most disturbing single element there for me.

  17. Kris Bock says:

    On the Bounty Hunter, at first I tried to assume the arm simply appeared out of proportion because it was closer to the camera. But no, the upper arm is oddly curved, or it’s a frankenarm with multiple donors. They both look more romantically intrigued by the camera than by each other.

    Dr. Nips looks concerned. What is he seeing that makes him concerned and also desperate to tear off his clothing?

    One Girl … Yeah, I can’t even look at that.

  18. Louise says:

    Centaur Redemption: Wow, that’s realistic looking sex doll. How many coupons do you have to redeem to get him?

    One Girl: I hooted out loud when I scrolled down into this cover. Could it possibly be a reissue of a pulp thriller from the ’50s? That is the most retro-looking female I have seen in a looong time.

    And, in that perennial-favorite category: I was so distracted by {Snow White and the Five Dwarfs} that initially I didn’t even notice the {howling wolf}. Is it supposed to be one of the five beasts? If so, which of the five pictured men is not a hungry beast? Perhaps it’s the one looking right at the camera, laughing insanely.

    Surprise Delivery: To paraphrase CinemaSins: Male model’s portfolio shot for Generic Romance Cover accidentally gets used as actual cover illustration. “Nipple? Yup, I’ve got one right here. Anything else you need to see?”

  19. Sandra says:

    Once I got past the wolf harem, I took a good look at Dr Nips…. Dating myself here. Although I’m sure this cover would never have made past the TV censors of the day.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Kildare_(TV_series)

    And I think the free-floating arm belongs to the guy whose shoulders she’s sitting on. Though it is rather long and stretched out.

  20. denise says:

    One Girl Five Hungry Beasts

    What’s the deal with the guy’s arm? If it’s an arm. Is he supporting her?

  21. Scifigirl1986 says:

    Maybe the screaming dudes are a Duran Duran cover band and are singing Hungry Like the Wolf?

  22. Another Kate says:

    I’m very worried about Dr. Nips… I have a working knowledge of musculoskeletal anatomy (a Physical Therapy degree will do that) and the layers of his abdominal muscles are all wrong. He really ought to see one of his colleagues about that.

  23. Sarah M. says:

    I don’t know why, but the minute I read Centaur Redemption my brain starting singing it to the tune of Rainbow Connection.

    That’s when I found it, the Centaur Redemption, the lovers, the dreamers and meeeeeeee!

  24. Barbara says:

    If the 5 Hungry Men are singing, she must be dancing …

  25. Elizabeth H. says:

    The Hollie Hutchins cover is horrible, but the story is really good. I really wish she would change it. Or even just a blank cover would be so much better than this.

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