Cover Snark: Two for the Price of One

It’s Cover Snark time, y’all!

New Beginnings by Morris Fenris. A blond couple embraces on a lakeside dock. Around them are the ghost heads of other couples: another blond duo and two pairs of brunette couples.

Amanda: Look at these white kissing ghost couples.

Sarah: Oh, boy. Is that the afterlife? For everyone? Uh, NO THANK YOU.

Amanda: I love how the blondes are with the blonde and the brunettes are with the brunettes.

Sarah: Maybe they’re all pairs skaters?

Amanda: Now that would be something. A small town romance whose major export is Olympic pairs skaters.

Sarah: A tiny island. Nothing to do but skate.

RHG: Brian Orser has a beach house there

CarrieS: Confession: I rather like it. Even if this cover was clearly brought to you by The Gap.

Timber by Frankie Love. A shirtless, muscular dude is looking down at three swaddled newborns. The baby on the far right is the only one with its eyes open and it's looking directly at us. Is it trying to warn us?

From Pam: The Incredible Hulk v. Curly, Curly, and Curly, the Cloned Stooges. This cover is irrefutable proof that babies are scary. Also, Photoshop should require a license.

Amanda: That baby on the right is clearly trying to signal for help.

Sarah: The baby on the right is trying to signal us to get the three of them out of there.

Amanda: HA!

Sarah: HAHAHAHA!

I can just picture a tiny hand under the green blanket giving us directions. ‘That window is open. He’s about to go work out for about sixteen hours. Coast is clear GO GO GO.

CarrieS: Dude, you can’ pee out babies. That’s not how any of this works.

NOTE: We also received this one months later from Constance, who said, “I had to forward it to you. I have no words.”

Sarah: I have questions. And concerns. And more questions.

Elyse: His left nipple is staring right at that kids head

RHG: We have seen those babies before

Sarah: I think we have, yes!

RHG: Are they following us? WHAT DO THEY WANT

Sarah: I think the one on the right has a LOT of snark to share.

The Sword Keeper by Avin Vang. A shirtless dude has a sword over his shoulder, but the edge of the blade is resting against his skin. In the background are a see through dragon and a blonde woman in a tight tank top.

From Carole: So appears The Sword Keeper might be in the process of chopping his own head off?? Or or very gifted at removing chest and back hair with his weapon?

Sarah: How is he not bleeding out?

RHG: I have questions about the sharpness of his blade.

Sarah: And his sharpness in general.

RHG: To quote Doug Marcaida, It will not cut.

Sarah: I guess that is one way to avoid a neck beard?

CarrieS: Jesus! (my reaction on seeing the sword placement). I got nothing else, I’m too startled.

Branded by Ann Gimpel. The shirtless cover model looks oddly waxy and we can't tell if he's real of CGI. He has shoulder length, curly blonde hair, but dark wispy chest hair. One nipple is making itself known.

From Gloriamarie: How often does have to get a perm, I wonder? Which hair products does he use to get his hair so silky? Where’s his right nipple? For that matter, where is the brand?

Amanda: Everything is slightly off center and it’s KILLING ME.

Sarah: Again, his nipple is staring at me. Can we somehow stop the scourge of staring nipples?

Elyse: Am I the only one seeing Sean Penn in a wig?

CarrieS: Well, not any more *once I’ve seen it can’t unsee it*. Why is he grabbing his penis? Please tell me that’s not where he’s branded.

Comments are Closed

  1. ly G says:

    I swear it looks like they used moose another nipple. And yes, all I see is Sean Penn playing Goldilocks and one of the bears.

  2. ly G says:

    *gah I meant – it looks like they used moose to swirl his chest hair into another nipple. It looks even worse on the big picture on amazon.

  3. Katie says:

    As soon as I read the words “Sean Penn” it was all I could think about. The hair does not look real. Is that tattoo on his arm supposed to be the “brand”? Or is the brand in a place we don’t want to see? (I certainly don’t want to see any more than I already have).

  4. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    I can’t get beyond Branded guy’s crucifix. After he gets his highlights refreshed and throws on a shirt, is he headed to Mass?

  5. Suleikha Snyder says:

    I didn’t see Sean Penn in a wig. I saw Richard Armitage in a wig. Help.

  6. Cheryl says:

    That last model definitely uses DevaCurl.

  7. Cathy Pegau says:

    That RHG quoted Doug Marcaida made me LOL and gave me life.

  8. P. J. Dean says:

    The dude on the “Branded” cover looks pissed because he has no room to flex a pec due to the plethora of crap on that cover!

  9. Pat says:

    All the books in The Mountain Man’s Babies series are eligible for cover snark. Three babies not enough for you? How about 4,5,6!

  10. EC Spurlock says:

    How many couples are having New Beginnings? Two or four? Just how many people are in this book?

    Mr Mountain Man certainly does have a couple of mountains there, with overhanging cliffs. I think the baby on the right is the only one aware of the imminent danger about to topple onto them.

    The Sword Keeper HAS to keep that sword because if he removes it from his neck he’ll bleed out.

    @DiscoDollyDeb, I hadn’t noticed the crucifix; I was about to point out that I didn’t know Satan was a blond, but I guess that rules that theory out.

  11. PamG says:

    Branded!
    Marked with a coward’s shame.
    What do you do when you’re branded,
    But you know you’re a man!

    He was innocent.
    Not a charge was true,
    But the world will never know. . .

    Also, “Does my nipple look flat in this tat?”

  12. LauraL says:

    “New Beginnings” … a January book brought to you by Hallmark Movies and The Gap. One of the guys looks a lot like Luke Macfarlane, just saying.

    I would expect the Mountain Man’s babies to be wrapped in flannel, not towels. The baby on the right knows things.

    I’m hoping the sword keeper’s sword is high quality plastic, otherwise shouldn’t the cover have a lot more red on it?

    Definitely Sean Penn in a wig on Branded and I cannot unsee it. Maybe his being branded is his personal branding, big buzz in big biz, and his brand is being the Silky Golden Curls Guy.

  13. annsunny says:

    What is the ghostly blonde woman doing with her mouth? Is she sucking or blowing?

  14. Lora says:

    Sean penn fulfills his secret dream of performing in a Dolly Parton wig. He will never be dolly.

  15. Cristie says:

    Sword dude looks like Roger from Happy Days (sorry can’t remember the actor’s name).

  16. Ellielu says:

    Spiccoli we hardly knew ye.

  17. Miss Louisa says:

    That hair in the last one looks like the Cowardly Lion’s after his perm to prep for the meeting with the Wizard. If I were king of the forest indeed.

  18. Zyva says:

    On the first cover, double check the woman on the far right, back row. One of her arms keeps going into the foreground and blends with the skin tones of the guy in blue front right. So she appears to be be groping under his shirt, urk.

  19. Zyva says:

    Re “Rugrats are GO!”
    It’s not quite a gender-switched version of Boogie Pimps’ “Somebody To Love” video, but it’s getting there. Into unintentional family planning PSA territory.

    Btw it’s a running gag in my Japanese class that the teacher will give kids as an example of kawaii (cute) and get howled down by childfree students’ cries of ‘kowai!’

  20. Zyva says:

    Re the last:
    Perm? For sure? Could swear I saw that hair texture in a chart of natural textures…

    Yep, somewhere between wavy 2b and curly 3a. (Couldn’t pinpoint it. Not my forte.)

  21. Louise says:

    Clearly I am not the only one who is avidly waiting for the sequel, Last Baby on the Right: The Untold Story.

  22. Meredith says:

    One of my 8yo twins has that hair (only his is longer) and it is NO FAIR and also GLORIOUS. Do I have this hair? Nooooooooo! Does my husband have this hair? I guess so? He keeps it in a high and tight, so who knows what it would be like long. (His twin brother also keeps his hair too short to curl)

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