Cover Snark: Goodbye, Childhood

Hi there! Welcome to Cover Snark! As a reminder, eating or drinking while reading this post could be hazardous to your health.

A man in a black shirt stands in front of a red orange background. He's lifting up one side of his shirt, revealing a nipple. The hem of his shirt is held in his teeth and his hands are doing god knows what at his waist.

From Erin: OMG PLEASE Cover Snark Masters of Maria 1-4. It is killing me.

Sarah: Peekaboo Nips likes to chew his own shirt?

Amanda: And that’s a nip that really can’t be missed.

You can’t help but look at it.

Sarah: It’s looking at us. No matter where I am in the room.

Elyse: NO. DO NOT WANT.

CarrieS: It’s a romance between a man and himself, apparently. Not judging, sweetie. You do you…uh…so to speak.

Gabriella by Brenda Hiatt. A blurry photo of a country estate is the cover's background. In the foreground is a black kitten hiding behind a lacy, off-white fan.

From Veronika: I found this lovely cover for a Regency romance. It is disturbing. Not sure that there is cat Regency romance, but maybe the book is about humans?

RHG: Is…is Gabriella the Cat? I would read a book about Gabriella the cat’s adventures in a manor house.

Sarah: Or Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch got his own romance, which I’m very in favor of reading now that I think about it.

RHG: I’m super in favor of that too. I didn’t know that I wanted that, but now that I do know, I WANT THAT.

Sarah: ME TOO.

A cat could out-snob the entire Regency society with one whisker.

CarrieS: They could have just said “Here’s a cover with text and a cat” and made us happy. Such a widdle fluffy-ums!

WHOA. YOU GUYS. Apparently this is a Regency in which Gabriella wants to be a veterinarian. I just fell down a Google hole from which I may never emerge about animal care in the 19th Century. This day’s productivity is officially shot.

Easy Bake Lovin by Maggie Wells. A woman appears to be on a guy's back in the middle of a green field. She has pink hair, bright flower-shaped earrings, and a red, heart-shaped sunglasses. The man looks younger and is wearing sunglasses and a plain white t-shirt.

Amanda: I thought that was his mom.

Sarah: What a title. Also his glasses are too high up past the bridge of his nose and it is disturbing me.

Elyse: STOP RUINING MY CHILDHOOD.

CarrieS: Why are they having a play date? Are they children? Do they also have a Lite Brite? ‘Cause I miss my Lite Brite.

A man appears to be ripping his shirt open and screaming very aggressively. In the bottom left corner is a howling wolf. In the right corner is a woman, half hanging off the bed. You can't see from her shoulders to her head, but at least she's wearing a cute, burgundy bra and panty set.

From Skye: Please tell me y’all have already done this on cover snark somewhere.

RHG: Where’s her head?

Why is he so angry?

What is happening?

What’s that weird burn on his boob?

…where can I get that bra and panty set?

Sarah: Where is her head? Is her thigh meant to be that suggestive or was that a happy accident?

That silk is a gorgeous color, it’s true.

Elyse: I feel like “don’t forget the head” should be a pretty basic design principle.

CarrieS: I don’t know what’s going on but it doesn’t seem like anyone is enjoying it.

Comments are Closed

  1. Empress of Blandings says:

    Oh, that first one. My son used to absent-mindedly gnaw holes in his expensive school tops. Not sexy. Just annoying. STOP CHEWING YOUR SHIRT! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THOSE COST? IF I HAVE TO BUY A NEW ONE IT’LL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR POCKET MONEY. Ahem, sorry, reflex reaction.

  2. Ren Benton says:

    Angry Dude is angry because all his internet pals in Oregon and Vermont bragged about how there was a cool breeze and they’re so excited to bust out their flannel and hoodies, and he put on his favorite hoodie only to step outside and find IT’S STILL NINETY DEGREES where he is. (No, I’m not speaking from experience at all, she said sweatingly while holding a premature batch of homemade hot chocolate mix.)

  3. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    Is that Fran Drescher with the heart-shaped sunglasses? Also, I can’t tell where his neck ends and her arm begins— makes it look like he’s wearing an off-the-shoulder tee.

    As for angry wolf guy and his weird burn-boob, this is the cover of Anne Calhoun’s TURN ME LOOSE, where the scarred chest makes perfect sense because the hero had a chemo port implanted when he was having cancer treatments. It appears that cover model’s torso was simply appropriated for this cover. Dog tags photoshopped out though.

    https://www.amazon.com/Turn-Me-Loose-Alpha-Ops-ebook/dp/B01MSIZNW2?crid=1KS9VSA8S8HVC&keywords=anne+calhoun+turn+me+loose&qid=1536575519&sprefix=anne+calhoun+turn+me+loose&sr=8-3-fkmrnull&ref=mp_s_a_1_fkmrnull_3

  4. Lostshadows says:

    I think the last guy being that angry and her having no head might be related. It would certainly piss me off.

  5. Lora says:

    Fake Jessica Chastain in lolita glasses does not seem pleased with her play date. Maybe next time pick someone on Tinder who doesn’t refer to it as a ‘play date’. I’m assuming this moron took her to the park to play on the swings and shit.

  6. Ren Benton says:

    @Lostshadows: …to which the genie replied, “You said you wanted a hymen. You made no specifications for other physical characteristics. I hope we’ve all learned a valuable lesson today. NEXT WISH.”

  7. LauraL says:

    My friend’s son has a sensory processing disorder and chewed on his shirts until his aunt bought him a wardrobe of sensory chew necklaces. I recommend Cover Boy One get one, maybe the shark tooth. His t-shirt costs would go down and the chances of everyone seeing his man-boobs, too.

    I’m all for Salem the Cat finding his happily every after.

    @Lora – I was thinking the same thing about the “play date.” BTW, the eighties called and they want their sunglasses back and won’t let the couple play with the Easy Bake Oven until they return them, in good shape.

    Sad to say, Wolf Guy makes me think of a flasher. She’s hiding her head so she doesn’t have to look while her pet wolf-dog howls at the creep.

  8. Christine says:

    That last cover… I’m pretty sure he ate the rest of her. Def not a romance.

  9. Zyva says:

    I’m assuming #1 is “you do you” because of the hand positioning?
    All good providing the advice is personal not political. Annoys me when pollies recommend as contraception; cheap creeps.

    I was more seeing shifters for #2, but you’re right: why not historicals with animal narrators? Virginia Woolf did one with a dog, “Flush”.

    Not following your refs for #3. Links maybe?

    As for #4, the poses are embarrassing enough sometimes that I hope the models obscure key features, or at least make buyers pay a premium for the full length image. Then there would be good business sense behind the headless reclining woman.

  10. Ren says:

    There was a lot of jiggerypokery to make Headless Virgin look like she has some meat on her thigh.

    https://depositphotos.com/173484242/stock-photo-passionate-girl.html

    I looked at the whole series of photos. You really have to respect models for their ability to keep a straight face when given instructions like “pretend you’re a boneless alien with no idea how to use a bed, so you just keep sliding off it in various configurations.”

  11. MaryK says:

    The Masters of Maria guy has no eyes. It’s kind of freaky.

  12. Carenlb says:

    The Masters of Maria guy has an inverted nipple. Seriously, he needs to see a boobie doctor. Well, not seriously, it’s like it collapsed into his moobie.

  13. kitkat9000 says:

    The bitten lip can look sexy however chewing your shirt hem doesn’t quite convey the same image.

    Perhaps if the cat was looking over the fan instead of away he might successfully pull off coy rather than disinterested. Maybe.

    Can’t get past the sunglasses on that cover. Hers look silly and, judging by her squint, ineffective. His are just weird- way too far up the bridge. Possibly even glued on.

    And that wolf looks hungry, maybe that’s why the guy’s angry? Because the wolf stopped mid-bite to howl and didn’t finish…

    Though I agree as to the lingerie.

  14. Ren says:

    (I’m deep in the stock photography trenches today for other reasons, so playing cover snark detective is a coffee break, not an obsession, I swear.)

    In addition to Easy Bake’s horribly shopped hair tint, the dude’s sunglasses are also an edit. His matching heart frames in the original image must not have been manly enough.

    https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/young-love-couple-smiling-under-blue-55398112

  15. Louise says:

    If it weren’t for certain insurmountable geographic and chronological problems, I would swear that Gabriella the black cat has just enrolled at Cornell, and is heartbroken upon learning that the veterinary school is not situated in Balch Hall.

  16. Sam Victors says:

    That ‘Virgin for the Wolf’ cover looks an entry for a bestiality threesome.

  17. Louise says:

    Continuing with Gabriella, mainly because it’s the only one of the four that I can look at without loudly shuddering: “Hiatt Regency Classics”? Do big-budget hotels now leave a romance novel on your pillow, where others would be content with a box of chocolates? If you’ve already read #1, can you ask the front desk to exchange it for another title?

  18. Crystal F. says:

    “Or Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch got his own romance, which I’m very in favor of reading now that I think about it.”

    Just as someone who has only seen clips of that show, I would be up for reading that as well.

  19. Dee says:

    #1 “Masters of Maria”? Now I have the Sound of Music Maria song stuck in my head but that cover would suggest a NSFW get her thrown out of the convent version. That tangent almost had me forget about the massive nip.

    #2 Why is the cat hiding behind a fan? I want to see the cat roam the manor and get into mischief in the pantry.

    #3 They look like they were ripped from a stock photo advertising ED. Like how those couples suddenly hug more thanks to Cialis.

    #4 Is she mid shift and the wolf head is hers? Why did he open his shirt to howl? I…have so many concerns. And if she is the shifter and loves that bra and panty set…I would not wear it if I knew I could shift at will.

  20. Karenza says:

    Did no one notice the cover of one on the books on sale on the same post “Just the thing” – Marie Harte which has a cover model who has torn his tee and holding it to his head …

    What is with these people and their shirt tearing? In historicals we have missing buttons and in contemporaries we have tee shirt tearing and eating …Is it a political statement about the quality of clothes these days?

    I have heard of edible panties … tee-shirts? Not so much …

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