Are you read for some Cover Snark? I sure hope so, because this one’s a doozy!
From Reader Tammy Cat: I mean why does he have 2 balls between his legs.
Carrie: That’s a medical condition.
Sarah: Very subtle. The smudges of dirt on his muscles deploy an innovative chiaroscuro shading technique effectively.
Also he should see a doctor.
Carrie: I mean not only does he have that medical condition with his testicles but he’s also missing his head. That’s serious.
Amanda: It looks like he’s really straining to keep hold of those balls.
Carrie: At least they aren’t blue.
Redheadedgirl: If it lasts for more than four hours he should go to the ER.
From Reader A, about the same cover: I’m not sure if sending this to you is the correct way of thanking you for all your hard work, but there it is, and now at least I know I won’t be alone in this world with it comes to uncomfortable flashbacks to footballs.
Redheadedgirl: It’s correct.
Sarah: Another reader emailed us about Hail Mary Disco Crotch Football by Nicola Rendell.
From Reader Caitlin: I have only one question: WHY.
Wait, maybe I have two. If those are supposed to be his–ahem–balls, why is he posing for a picture and not seeking medical attention?
Wait, no, three questions. If they were going to go this broad, WHERE IS THE BASEBALL BAT PENIS.
And cycling back around to: WHY.
Redheadedgirl: Is this the cover that the most people have emailed us about?
Sarah: This year, yes.
Amanda: The face and body are from different people, right?
Redheadedgirl: I think the body and the jeans are different people.
Sarah: Is Photoshop a hot new designer jeans label? Like 7 For All Mankind, only with that eyedropper tool as the logo?
Elyse: It reminds me of the bad guy from Men in Black. Maybe he’s an alien wearing a human suit.
Elyse: I think that cat is having an appropriate reaction
Redheadedgirl: …
Amanda: Asking for a friend, but is his front business more animal or human?
Redheadedgirl: What is he WEARING? Did he get that from the Pyramid Collection?
Elyse: What are EITHER of them wearing?
Redheadedgirl: I’m just really distracted by the cutout velvet
Amanda: She looks like she’s wearing a grown up version of a Toddlers & Tiaras costume.
Elyse: I almost spit my drink out.
Carrie: Pepto Bismol pink. The color of my college choir uniform. I don’t miss it.
Sarah: He got to second base on the cover wearing that jacket.
Amanda: I looked at the cover too fast and thought the hero was wearing a Ghillie suit.
Guy on cover 1: ” Guys, be honest, do my balls look big in this?”
Regarding cover 3: Is that….is that ThunderCats fan-fic?? Dear internet, nope! I will NOT go down that rabbit hole!
You cultivate stubble on the face, but you wax the chest and torso. Really?
Cover#2 dude has a really creepy looking belly button. Why is it floppy? And why is it up so high?
Am I the only one who thought “vampire” about the last one?
@Gigi: It’s the port for his inflatable abs.
A dirty man with big dirty balls? There is probably a comma floating around in there but i’m too tired to pay attention to it.
What is with these cowboys having prettier chests and abs than me? His head looks like it was stolen and sewn onto another man’s head. Frankenstein’s Cowboy Monster is going to give you a reason to scream ” WOT IN TARNATION?” While wearing his cowboy hat. Possibly in a barn.
I’m going to keep my mouth shut about that furry thing going on. I just know that they sale those tails on certain websites and they do not go ABOVE the hole. They go in it. N O P E.
Dat background. I love dukes and especially rakes but no self respecting marquis would wear his grandmother’s robe for a regency bootycall.
The cowboy appears to not only have his jeans photoshopped on, but it looks like a really bad photoshopped chest wax job.
The football balls guy? Looks like it might be a new rep in the craze CrossFit. Carry tires, sling a chain and now the Two Football Squat.
Our marquis appears to have a cape made out of repurposed couch upholstery.
@BrittBritt – my first thought about the tail was “WTF, the hole isn’t ABOVE the butt – oh wait, that’s just a tail.” But I did not know there were prosthetic tails available for purchase that would go in, ahem, a lower position. Ask and the Intertubes will provide.
#1: Maybe Mary IS the doctor?
1. Ball Dude reminded me of one of my weekly romance novel (no clue if my HTML code will do the HERE IT IS FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE THING so if it fails I apologize to my friends and family.)
Dear Romancelandia: In my meme, they’re spiky balls. In THIS cover, they’re dirty balls. Stop trying to make balls happen. Stop making balls gross and/or pain inducing. Just stop. Yes I’m shaming you, so TRY HARDER DAMMIT! Hurhur…harder. Someone ground me.
2. Is…is that dude’s tail impaling the base of his spine to shoot out of the base of his neck?!? That seems…uncomfy.
3. Okay, bitch is trying to sneeze. Mr Hero, LET A BITCH SNEEZE AND STOP SMELLING HER CHEEK! DAMN! You’re making it weird. Er…weirder.
Is it badly done perspective, or is the far end of the tail much, much larger then the attachment point? And if it is, how can he keep it from dragging on the ground? I’m confused. And the slightest bit frightened.
I would bet that tail is prehensile– which gives rise to all kind of possibilities…
I literally spit coffee on my monitor at “Did he get that from the Pyramid Collection?”
Oh, it’s the Squire of Gothos from Star Trek! Also, her(?) wig is falling off.
@marjorie SAME! You’d think one day I’d learn to not consume beverages while on this site. But nope. Nopety nope nopers.
@Kate THANK FLUFFY DUCKS I WASN’T ALONE IN THINKING DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY! I mean, no judgement but the book looks pretty hetero cisgenered so, like, WHAT GIVES?!
lol I will say Hail Mary is a much better book than its cover
@Cat LOL That’s awesome!…AND further evidence the romance genre is THE reason “don’t judge a book by its cover” popped into existence.
Now I have an excuse never to say “Hail Mary” prayers ever again. Ever.
I think that’s a Perfect Cowboy Ken doll.
With balls like that one can only pray, Hail, Mary…
I thought only the bad guys wore black stetsons
That cat sees something we don’t.
Is anyone else concerned that she only has one leg?
I looked up the description for Hail Mary and it actually looked like something I would want to read – NFL quarterback meets physical therapist before he knows she is going to be his therapist, but then at the very end of the blurb it seems like a plot muppet is thrown in – totally not my thing. Has anyone actually read this one? Did you like it? And is the plot moppet a kid he didn’t know was his??? That would be double not my thing…
@Katie C., I really get annoyed by plot muppets. Very few of them came across as authentic children. More like caricatures of children.
@Katie C @Gloriamarie Siiiiiigh. WHO KEEPS LETTING THE TINY HUMANS INTO ROMANCLANDIA?
I’ve not read this book but I have an epic shit ton of grump-butt over kids in romances. I too side-eye all the fictional Precious Moments statues in our novels because damn. Kids are often annoying, nonsensical, and time consuming. They’re supposed to be that way; they’re kids.
They’re living the Mcdonalds Dream of free rent and imagination.
But to read the way most authors tell it, tiny humans are incognito angels playing matchmaker. WHYYYYYYYYY?!
OK, I can give some of these a pass since they are “homemade”, so to speak,by individuals self-publishing or similar. But AVON–not a minor publisher. What the hell were you doing? Did you think we wouldn’t notice that the proportions of the man are wrong! The shading wrong. Did you have a limited budget and just went through your photostock and did cut and paste? Did you rush your cover department so much that they didn’t have time to get it right?
What were you doing….its small they won’t notice, after all we’re selling a “New York Times Bestselling Author” so it should be OK. NO, it is not OK.
@Joy, From my perspective it is wrong to give self-published books a pass for anything. They want our money, don’t they? Since that is the case, in exchange they owe us the best possible product.
@Gloriamarie I’m with you, girl. While I understand that indie and self-pub authors don’t necessarily have the resources or skills big houses do, if they’re going to put themselves on the market then they open themselves up for critique and snark.
And I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Bad covers are in and of themselves a marketing tool. Look at these 3 books. How many of us would have ever seen these had they not been worthy of some LOLs, ya know?
A few but certainly not as many as have now put our peepers on ’em.
I won’t refuse to buy a book with a bad cover (especially on an ebook cause damn, I’m rarely gonna see the thing)…but the bad cover DOES make me side eye. How good will the editing be? Bad covers can be a precursor to the other.
@Jacqueline, I don’t care so much about covers. Plenty of well-established publishing houses have issued books with bad covers. My issue is the content. A failure to research if it is historical fiction. A failure to spell correctly and rely upon a spellcheck so I see”alter” instead of “altar”, “your” instead of “you’re.”
Lack of characterization. Incorrect grammar, syntax, and usage, poor plot development, inability to keep the plot straight… those are the kinds of things that really tick me off.
@Gloriamarie SAAAAME! And that’s kinda what I meant about the editing. I get weary of bad covers not because they’re bad, but because it might portend that the words are gonna be inked with eye-bleach.
It isn’t the bad cover, which shouldn’t get a pass, but if the book behind the cover kicks ass then I’ll just snark whilst I fangirl .
The picture with the football balls remind me of this axe commercial:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPwhMoQBg_8
Warning: Might be offensive. 😐
*Axe commercial
That last one….did they photoshop the dude’s head onot the heroine by accident? Because that’s what it looks like.
@Jamie Riiigiht?!? I know we don’t kink shame and we be sex positive as frick frack, but this brings a whole new meaning to “loving yourself.”
Can’t breathe…so funny
Amazon kept recommending Hail Mary to me. I resisted for weeks and weeks because I hated the cover. But I decided to try the sample on my kindle and it was pretty funny, so I bought it. And it was fun. I’d buy more buy this author!