DNF
Title: Come Away With Me
Author: Kristen Proby
Publication Info: Kristen Proby Publishing 2012
ISBN: B00A3XVP4E
Genre: New Adult
I hate DNF’ing a book. My OCD tendencies mean I like to finish everything I start, even if the book is awful. So I think, for me, a DNF grade is actually the worst you can get.
I was still riding the New Adult-normal-girl-dates-celebrity-vibe when I picked up Kristin Proby’s Come Away with Me but literally nothing about this book worked for me. I made it to the midway point, then gave up entirely.
My chief complaints? The pacing is off, I’m still not sure what the conflict, if there is one, is, the hero is kind of a douche, and the writing just killed it for me.
The book opens with Natalie Conner taking pictures on the beach at dawn. This guy, Luke, who happens to be caught in one of her shots, comes up to her cursing and demanding she give him her camera. Natalie thinks this guy is a nutbag and is all “WTF.” When Luke realizes Natalie wasn’t photographing him, but rather the beach, he’s duly apologetic.
You see Luke is messy-haired, gorgeous star of a series of vampire movies that are super popular and …aw fuck, this is Robert Pattinson fan fic, isn’t it? My context clues tell me it is.
Goddamn it, Twilight.
Look, I wasn’t about to put the book down because the author may have been inspired by R-Patz. Good for her, but in my experience, nothing good has come from Twilight except this blog.
Okay, so the book is told first person POV from Natalie’s point of view (in present tense I might add—another “Oh, fuck”), but I’m able to infer that Luke is surprised Natalie has no idea who he is. He sees Natalie in town later that day and takes her to lunch and spends the rest of the book relentlessly pursuing her.
This book suffered from Special Snowflake Syndrome. What’s that? It’s when the hero falls in love with the heroine because she’s “not like other girls” but we get no specifics as to what that means. Aside from Luke being physically attracted to Natalie and him liking that she wasn’t after him for his money or fame, there’s no real explanation of why she does it for him. This type of heroine isn’t particularly well-drawn out. She’s a stand in for the reader, hence the first person POV and lack of detail. That doesn’t work for me. I want to read about two fully fleshed characters; I don’t just want a placeholder. Again, I blame Twilight.
Also, I didn’t like Luke. Some of his actions pissed me off and some made me do the head-tilt thing my mom’s dog does when you talk baby talk at him.
Like this line:
“I went home, had breakfast with my roommate, then took a short nap.”
“I would have loved to see that.” His eyes have narrowed, and I feel myself blush.
“Love to see me have breakfast with my roommate?”
“No, smart-ass, loved to see you nap.”
Who wants to watch someone nap? Seriously? It’s boring as shit. Actually, you know who? Edward fucking Cullen. That’s who.
I’m just going to throw this out there. I think if someone really, really wants to watch you sleep, you might need to be worried for your personal safety. Now, I don’t mean if your partner lies in bed next to you and reads or whatever while you’re snoozing.
I mean if he’s like staring intently at you for the entire thirty minutes you’re out. Is he picturing you dead? Worried about apnea? Checking to see if you sleep fart for before proposing marriage?
And in addition to being baffling, Luke is also kind of a dick. He invites Nat over for dinner and when she gets a text-message from her sometimes lover, he becomes a total asshat. Mind you, they’ve known each other for 24 hours:
“Who’s Grant?”
“Just a friend.” I shrug.
He raises an eyebrow. “That wasn’t just a friendly text, Natalie. I am a man. I know the difference.”
I cringe and look back out over the darkening water.
“Look at me.” His voice is sharp, and I whip my eyes back to his.
“He’s just a friend, Luke. Yes, there has been a physical relationship there in the past, but it’s been awhile.”
“How long is awhile?”
“Months.”
“How many months?”
Since Noneofyourfuckingbusiness-ovember, Luke.
Luke and Natalie aren’t dating at this point. They’ve gone out twice. There is no expectation of a relationship. It is none of his business who is texting her and why. Getting possessive over a girl he literally just met and basically assaulted on the beach isn’t sexy. It’s not a sign of how much he loves/wants Natalie. It’s shitty, childish behavior that’s romanticized.
Also, WTF does I am a man. I know the difference mean? Is there some magic power that comes with a Y chromosome that tells dudes what the connotations of a text message are? Is there a text-to-balls correlation that I’m missing? That’s as nonsensical as me saying, “I’m a woman, Natalie. I know that the capital of Mongolia is Ulan Bator.”
So then Natalie and Luke keep dating and she reveals to him her backstory. She’s an orphan (take a drink) and she was raped (take another drink). Were her parents killed in some sort of crash, you ask? Plane crash! Finish your beer!
Also Natalie’s dad was some sort of high profile lawyer, and he sued the parents of her rapist, and she has this large trust fund she never touches because REASONS.
And Natalie never “makes love” to men, she just “fucks” them because of the rape (I guess it’s a control thing? I don’t know). Of course, she makes love to Luke though because despite being raped at a young age and despite there not actually being anything to support why this is true, Luke is different.
I’m assuming his penis sparkles, but it’s never explicitly stated.
About a third of the way into the book Natalie learns who Luke is and feels betrayed that he never revealed his true identity. She’s humiliated.
Luke stays in character, acting like a douche bag, but passing it off as “I ACT THIS WAY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.”
“Natalie, so help me God, if you don’t open this door, I’ll break it down. Come out here and look at me.” His voice sounds ragged and close to mine. And he’s really pissed. But so am I! I don’t respond, and suddenly Luke hits the wall to the left of the door. “OPEN THE MOTHERFUCKING DOOR!”
This behavior is quite frankly scary. It sealed my dislike of Luke with Super-glue.
Of course Luke and Natalie make up. After that there were just a bunch of chapters where they date and have sex a lot and nothing happens. Oh, except Natalie goes to Luke’s family’s house for dinner, and his sister is shitty to her because she thinks Natalie might be a gold-digger, and Natalie puts her down and Luke’s ENTIRE FAMILY SIDES WITH THE WOMAN THEY JUST MET RATHER THAN HIS SISTER.
It was like, “You are excused from this family, sister. We no longer love you because Luke has a stand-in-for-the-reader girlfriend and we now love her more than you. We’re going to adopt her and give her your room and buy her that pony you always wanted. Please enjoy this Greyhound Bus ticket to the new life you’ll have to start.”
After Natalie and Luke’s blow-out regarding his sekrit identity, I couldn’t figure out what the conflict was. I made it through like five chapters where nothing except sex and dating happened and then I was out. I’m assuming whatever the final conflict was it will involve Luke acting like a mega-dick (which is like a mega-shark only made out of dick) and Natalie being perfect in every way.
Right now this book is free so if you want to try it, go crazy. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This book is available (and currently free) at Goodreads | Amazon | BN | Kobo
Oh my god, Elyse. I had to go buy this free book after reading your review. It sounds so terrible. Completely true that when I clicked over to Amazon, I typed in “Blew my Cover”. Somehow, your “blow-out regarding his sekrit identity” took over my brain! ha ha ha ha. Surprisingly, my completely wrong title did not really have any inappropriate results.
Your mom’s dogs are adorable!
I just about choked holding in a laugh with the head tilt comment (no one else is awake in the apartment). If I was caffeinated to the point of including my old German Shepherd’s head tilt,I absolutely would. I’m kind of doing it know as I realize exactly how many of my recently read books suffer from heroine living under a rock syndrome. Seriously, there must be a town somewhere without the People/US Weekly/Enquirer rack at a grocery checkout that gave rise to this one. Maybe it’s just me but I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that someone my age (thirtysomething) lives in a pop culture vacuum. Though I wish I was about Edward Cullen … but my failed attempts to get my resister off the sparkly vampire catnip is a whole other rant.
Sorry, that’s stepsister in the last sentence… darn Kindle has auto correct.
Great post. Funny as heck and too bad some books aren’t written as well! I don’t think I need to read this one! Thanks for the heads up.
Reminded me of Fifty Shades of Grey, what with him rapping out a sharp command and her cringing as she obeys.
That dog head tilt GIF is now my favorite GIF.
Love the “I’m assuming his penis sparkles, but it’s never explicitly stated” comment!
Crap. I just bought this yesterday. That’ll teach me to buy without coming here first.
In my experience, there are more good things that came from Twilight. Cleolinda’s recaps of boolks and movies, for one. Also “Twilight with cats” and “New Moon with cats”, whoever made those. This story, though, definitely doesn’t look like anything good.
So it probably will end up being made into a movie and getting its own serial-numbers-barely-filed-off fanfiction.
(No, no, don’t throw books at me – I’m trying to jinx it.)
I had the same experience with this book and it was also a dnf for me. It felt like it was all over the place and you hit the nail on the head with the pacing point – that was it exactly! I couldn’t follow the story and I didn’t like the characters. I can’t understand how it has 5 star reviews, it’s like people didn’t really read the book! I don’t know how they could follow the story! However I did read the second book in the series and it was way better – I liked the characters, the pacing made sense, it was as if the first book was an experiment and the second book was the real deal. I haven’t read any more of hers, but based on book 2 (and definitely not on book 1) I would consider it.
Sounds … delightful.
I do get the never-heard-of-famous-person-X thing. I’ve given up on a lot of TV X-factor, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Strictly Dancing, the soaps, etc etc and have no idea who most supposedly famous people are. Before I got AdBlock there was this annoying moppet popping up singing something for months before I realised it must be Justin Beiber, with AdBlock I have no idea who’s coming up next. I’ve seen comedians doing impressions and I have no idea who they are doing even though the audience clearly does.
Christine @ 11 what was better about the second book please?
The “text-to-balls correlation” put me right over the edge. I can see someone working this out as a scientific theorem.
@jazzlet I found the story flowed better in book 2. It’s almost as if in book 1, the author had no beta readers and just wrote what she thought and then self published it to see what would happen, whereas in book 2 (Fight With Me) she had beta readers and an editor. ( I have no basis for this other than my own thoughts). If she had beta readers for book 1 they did her a disservice by not telling her the truth (if she did, perhaps they are the gushing 5 star reviewers on goodreads). I liked both characters in book 2 (Jules and Nate); the sex was hot, the plot was fast paced and I enjoyed it. I would read more in the series (I actually have the next 3 on my ereader) based on my enjoyment of book 2. I’m glad I gave the author another chance.
OMFG you just made me LMFAO!!!! I think I’ll pass on this one. Great Review!
Ah,Elyse, thank you for Special Snowflake Syndrome. I think I am one!!! Now I need the tee-shirt.
“Since Noneofyourfuckingbusiness-ovember” is my new favorite line.
@ Christine – thank you!
I think I could buy a person meeting someone and thinking ‘Hey they look a lot like [insert famous person], but it can’t be!’ Or knowing who the celebrity is but not making the connection to the person at all.
In fact it would make sense. They aren’t in costume, perfectly lit and/or airbrushed. Or they’ve grown a beard or changed their hair or something (have you seen how different Hugh Jackman looks with the shaved head?).
But completely never ever hearing of at all, living under a rock levels of? Can’t. Takes me right out of the story.
StarOpal – I have no idea whatsoever who’s the most popluar male actor in my country right now. Or the most popular female actor. So it’s possible. Okay, so I kind of chose to live under the rock. Maybe Natalie did too.
Though, speaking about Natalies, if I met Natalie Dormer on the street (super unlikely), I’d probably recognise her despite not seeing anything she starred in. (Well, except three episodes of “Elementary”, but she wasn’t in those. I need to watch it properly sometime in the future.)
Loved the dogs!!
Oh, disguised Twilight fanfiction, how I love/hate thee. I never read it myself, but the fact that it gives rise to hilarious reviews like this definitely goes a long way towards my forgiveness of the genre. Plus, Twilight also spawned ‘Growing Up Cullen’ – http://balcarin.livejournal.com/462027.html – so, again, I am indebted to the damn series.
I pretty much lost it at the Greyhound bus ticket. Hope Book 2’s the Story of the Spurned Sister, Storming off and finding (Non-Sparkly) Sexytimes. Just the constant stream of the heroine’s vengeful mutterings would make it worth a buy!
Without Twilight, we also wouldn’t have the Rifftrax commentaries for the films, which are reason enough to rent otherwise unwatchable films. Check out Kevin Murphy’s version of Edward’s piano song from the first film; it’s utterly amazing.
Y’know, I should hop on this “poorly disguised RPF fanfic” genre bandwagon if stuff like this book are getting good reviews. People totally want to read about my—I mean, my character’s—touching love story as Ms. Tina Schmendricks and Nat Hennings fight over me—er, him.
I got this for free and could not get through it. It was just so awkward. The language was really odd, the first person was atrocious, and the rapid relationship did not make sense. However, i liked that there were positive female relationships, even if they also read awkwardly. I was sad because she has so nany sequels that could have filled my book neediness.
@redcrow and @staropal I’ll go google Natalie Dormer after leaving this comment since I have no idea who she is. I do choose to eliminate pop culture as much as possible. Not worth the energy or time.
Hey! Another good thing to come out of twilight was RPattz hates his life. And I have met a tv-show actor before and it was surreal. I looked over at the actress, looked back at my friends and whispered “you know, that lady over there looks uncannily like the actress from Helix.” Which was because she *was* the actress from Helix. These things dont happen in my boring life. So I can understand both the premise of the self-insert-fanfic and the meet cute, but oh gosh all the rest of it sounds like pulling teeth without anesthetic.
Clearly, we all have our favourite Twilight snark-spawn. But mine will always be The Most Popular Book in the Whole World.
I don’t think I would have made it past the, er, “meet-cute” in this one. I had to give up on finishing everything I read.
Kelly S, I probably need to clarify – I didn’t chose to ignore pop-culture (othervise I also wouldn’t know who Dormer is, and wouldn ‘t even bother googling her). I don’t watch/read things just because they’re popular – there should be something about the story to catch my interest. So I do have favourite tv shows, I read books written in this century, I watch some of the resently made movies. There’s still a possibility I won’t recognise some of the people starring in those movies (and even shows, unless they’re in most episodes and not just guest-starring in one or two), because sometimes I’m more interested in the story than in people who enact this story.
(I prefer to not to engage with my own country’s mainstream media not out of some misgiuided belief that Foreign Is Always Better, but because at this point I pretty much expect some horribly homophobic comments from most of our celebrities. Why would I want to support people who hate me?)
Excellent snark, many quotable lines. What sticks with me is the comparison of megadick to megashark. I feel like there should be a macro. I picture it as a NSFW take on the classic “Jaws” poster.
If you want to relive the experience read Fight With Me
I read Proby’s Seattle books because they have all great reviews on Amazon and they are all like this. Weird pacing, characterizations, supposedly “sexy” books, etc., but the writing is bad. I do not understand all the great reviews unless it’s a bunch of sixteen and seventeen year olds posting.
Twilight is the gift that keeps on giving. We have the parodies, (“We Ejaculate Rainbows” is my personal favorite), and the stuff that touches the deep issues (“Seven”, “Seventeen”, “Paper Doll Theater”,etc.).
And the crazy theories: there’s an argument somewhere out there about how “Breaking Dawn” equates to Neon Genesis Evangelion’s Instrumentality. Worst part is it still makes more sense than the plot of Twilight.
And yet, this sells.
This is embarrassing but I actually like most of this series! Reading this review, though, I was cringing because you were able to put into words what I could about some of the moments in these books. The “alpha-male” thing is taken to extremes in these books and, as another commenter noted, even the female interactions are so over the top awkward sometimes. Thanks for making me laugh (at myself for liking this).
I’m glad I don’t do reviews on things I don’t like because I couldn’t make them funny like this. I’d just end up sounding super cranky and snarky. Unfortunately, I DNF a lot more books than I finish because so many of them irk me like this one irked you. Thanks for a fun review that also pointed out some common mistakes regarding Where Books Go Wrong.
I remember this book! Was also not able to finish it and did not connect with the Leads at all. I found it excruciatingly dull!
I found this site two hours ago and all I’ve done is read your reviews. Addictive stuff, lady! Hilarious. I really need to get off here and get something productive done.
Best line ever:
“Since Noneofyourfuckingbusiness-ovember, Luke.”
I think I’ll take a pass on this book also. Thanks for the honest, yet crazily funny, reviews.
The checking to see if they sleep fart bit killed me.
AND who in the hell has chili garlic calamari on a date????? Like…NOPE night is OVAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I kept thinking that they would serve a side of mouth wash and a lemon sorbet with the meal.
I started listening to this on Audible because it was free. I soon realized I was listening to estrogen drenched fantasy romance porn but I kept listening. I was waiting for the part where dreamboat Luke turns into a homicidal maniac and locks Natalie in his dungeon until her girlfriend rescues her. Or maybe he’s got five different Natalies in cities around the globe. Or maybe he just gives her a raging case of herpes. Anything to shake her out of this Cinderella meets Prince Charming perfect romance. But after reading the reviews and comments I now know that nothing like that is going to rock her perfect world. Definitely a DNF!