Cover Snark: Bored Heroines and Guitar Genies

First off, I’d like to send a big thank you to the readers who send us this craziness. A few of the covers below were sent to us and it means a lot that every time you see a badly photoshopped physique or a questionable bulge you think of us.

From Reader PT, who says, “Not sure which is worse, the title, or the cover. So many things, it’s overwhelming to know where to start to snark!”

Barren Bride Claimed by Her Bad Wild Marshal by Faye Sonja

Redheadedgirl: Wow. That’s a lot of snark in one place.

Sarah: She looks like she’s aware of it, too. “Go head. Say it. All of it. Go ahead. I’m ready.”

Amanda: She just looks bored af to me.

Elyse “OMGGGGG…just carry me off into the sunset already. Ughhhhhhhh…”

Amanda: I also want to note that when I saved this cover image, I labeled it as “Mail Order Bridge.”

 

The Beauty's Beast by E.D. Walker

RHG: Did I read that one?

Elyse: The hero is stuck inside the moon. And it’s raining neon rose petals. Like those roses you can get at the gas station.

RHG: I DID read that one.

Elyse: How did the hero get stuck in the moon?

Amanda: Maybe the hero is made of cheese and he IS the moon. He’s the man in the moon.

RHG: That would have been more interesting. I read it like a year and a half ago, and I don’t remember a lot (did I even bother reviewing it?)

Amanda: I don’t think so?

RHG: No, I didn’t. Anyway, it was a hot mess.

 

The Beginning

Elyse: Why is the one guy made of smoke?

RHG: Inspirational Movie Poster Guy?

Sarah: Is that… Elizabeth Banks? My nose is .02 cm from the screen and I have my glasses on but I can’t tell.

Amanda: Well whatever it’s the beginning of, I don’t think I want to know how it ends.

RHG: It ends with everyone getting baked.

Carrie: He’s the pop music genie. If you play the magic guitar he comes out and teaches you the three power chords with which you can play virtually every pop song in the world. You actually need four chords but the genie is an asshole and he makes you learn one yourself, you know, to prove that you really want the pop star life.

 

Zeke Breaking by Kelly Gordon

Amanda: Ladies love a vascular man.

Elyse: It looks like his hand is on backwards.

Carrie: I don’t love a vascular man, I think that looks horrifying.

Elyse: Whose hand is that? Is he holding a severed arm.

RHG: There is vascular and then there’s…that.

Elyse: It’s like parasitic worms under his skin. He needs to get that checked out.

Sarah: Maybe they’re cracks and he is what’s breaking.

 

From Reader Kathryn: “This cover is a bit on the point, no?”

Adrian by Heather Grothaus

RHG: HA

Amanda: But I still feel that sword is a little on the short side…

Sarah: Think he needs to revisit the arsenal for different weaponry?

RHG: He does, the shape of the sword is long sword, and that is…not.

Sarah: I’m 99.9% sure we own that sword and it’s made of rubberized plastic. Maybe that’s why he looks so bummed out.

Comments are Closed

  1. Zeke would have been a dream patient back when I worked as a phlebotomist.

  2. Lostshadows says:

    Every time I look at the Zeke cover, I get distracted by trying to figure out those hands. I can make out four, but two of them make no sense.

    I picture the discussion for that first cover going something like this: “You know what’s really hot? When not really in hurry, but you’re a bit annoyed that the bus is late. Perfect!”

  3. CW says:

    The Beast looked very blurry, so I the pink rose petal on the beast was near the beast’s snout. It looked like a pink tear or a pink snot on his face….

  4. Olivia says:

    All I see when I look at the Beast’s cover, a blow-up doll. The blank stare, the shiny skin, the slightly wrong curl of the lips at the corner, the way the bear is rubbing on her. Seriously, I think the bear ordered a blow-up doll.

  5. Doug Glassman says:

    That second one reminded me of Sokka from AtLA.

    “My first beast boyfriend turned into the Moon.”

    “That’s rough, buddy.”

  6. Leah says:

    Maybe her bonnet is just really heavy you guys. GAWD.

  7. Ceilidh says:

    “I know. Pearls and a tie-neck-scarf thing. I tried to tell them, one or the other people, one or the other.”

  8. Carolinareader says:

    Okay I think Zeke needs long gloves that are made of that same material that my grandfather had to wear for his legs. On that note, nothing makes you want to read a erotica romance less than thinking about your beloved Papaw.

  9. Asfaroth says:

    Am I the only one who thinks the woman on the first cover looks a lot like Jennifer Lopez Also: the hair looks like it is photoshopped on her head.

  10. Cyranetta says:

    I don’t worry about Adrian’s sword being made of rubberized plastic, but I do worry the Adrain looks like he’s made of rubberized plastic!

  11. Qualisign says:

    The “Barren Bride” appears to be in the throes of throwing out her neck in the midst of an extreme eye roll. Judging the book by the cover — and the title — on this one…

  12. Carolinareader says:

    I am not worried about Adrian’s sword size as much as his perplexed look as he stares down at the sword. It doesn’t bode for a heroine if a man does know what to do with his little sword. I am of course discussing her rescuing needs.

  13. marjorie says:

    “I don’t love a vascular man” is the best sentence I will read today.

  14. Wendy Clements says:

    Fallen angels don’t get real swords. Part of the deal. Snort. I think he’s still trying to suss that out. Or maybe he’s just trying to figure out why he keeps hearing someone call his name in the background…

  15. Kiri says:

    He wanted fame and would do anything to get it, even sleep with This random woman who magically appeared from the 1990’s.

  16. Sandra says:

    Is it me or does Adrian look a little like Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn? And surprised no one’s mentioned the phallic landscape in the first cover.

  17. Helena says:

    Thanks for the giggle. The first heroine IS genuinely the most OVER IT h I’ve ever seen.

    But the VEINS guy. Eek. I can’t look. I can’t NOT look. And yeah, it takes WAY too long to decipher the owners of the hands. I’m still slightly confused on that point.

  18. Susan says:

    What kind of Beast is that? Wolf? Bear? Is no one going to make a Revenant joke?

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