635. RT Rewind: October 1988 Reviews

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Sarah Wendell: Hello there! Welcome to episode number 638 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, and we are going back to 1988. Yep, we’re recapping the Romantic Times Magazine of October 1988, a time when one of us – not me – wasn’t born yet! So we’ve got some appalling plots and luscious covers and more, like Amanda’s engagement! Amanda’s engaged! Congratulations to Amanda and Brian.

So I do want to say, we have some crappy family tales in the first four minutes, and overall, in these books, there are a number of references to enslavement, violence, colonialism, predatory behavior and assault. It was the ‘80s in historical romance and, well, there was a lot of that. So please look after your brain if that is not something you can listen to at this time.

I do want to say hello and thank you to our Patreon community, in particular Jenn E., who just joined the community! Thank you! Your pledges keep us going. They make sure every episode has a transcript, especially these, which are kind of off the wall – hey, garlicknitter – [Hi! – gk] – and you’re making sure that every episode is accessible. Plus you get bonus episodes, and you get to see the entire PDF scan of this issue. Woohoo! I don’t think this, this is available digitally anywhere; I looked for this one. I don’t think this is online anywhere, but you get to have it if you join the Patreon, and you get to hang out with some of the most lovely people on the internet in the podcast Patreon Discord. If you’re interested, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.

All right, you ready? Let’s do this! It’s a long trip, so, you know, get some snacks; you want to wear some good socks. We’re going all the way back to 1988. On with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: Well, you, you seem very happy.

Amanda: It’s been a good week. What can I say?

Sarah: It has been a good week for you! Congratulations on your engagement! Oh, it’s beautiful!

Amanda: Yeah. With, there’s balloons left over from the office; there’s bouquets of flowers left over from the proposal, so our room smells really nice whenever we come up to it?

Sarah: Oh, that’s lovely! Have you told everybody everywhere everything?

Amanda: A friend asked me, they’re like, Who do you have left to tell? And I was like, I don’t think anybody!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I think we’re good. But then, like, people at the office kept, like, finding out, of course, ‘cause people would come up to me like, Oh, congrats! I’m like, How the hell did you find out? And then people from the bookstore that I worked at have been finding out, so I’ve been getting texts from them, so it was like –

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: – a third wave of congrats, which has been nice.

Sarah: That’s really lovely. How did your brother react?

Amanda: Like an idiot. Like, he was the first person I told, and I video-chatted him, and he was immediately like, Why are you video-chatting?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: I don’t like surprises; I’m in the middle of watching Andor.

Sarah: Okay, calm down.

[Laughter]

Amanda: And I was like, Is Yena here? Like, is Yena around? And he’s like, Yeah, why? And I’m like, Can you just –

Sarah: Jesus Christ, Zachary! [Laughs]

Amanda: I was like, Can you please just call her down? And then it was like five minutes of Zack shouting Yena! Come here!

Sarah: Oh my God.

Amanda: Yena, come here! [Laughs] Like –

Sarah: Fuck’s sake.

Amanda: – just shouting. And then we, you know, were like, We’re engaged! And Yena was over the moon and excited, and my brother’s like, That’s great. Like, my brother is not the person you go to for a hype man.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: He –

Sarah: Spike is not a hype guy?

Amanda: No. There, there is no hype in that man’s body. So –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – his, you know, response was measured, I’ll say. But there are other people that we talked to, of course, that do, like, screaming and are so happy and hugs –

Sarah: Aw!

Amanda: – and –

Sarah: Aw, that’s so lovely.

Amanda: Yeah! I mean, I was talking to a friend and, you know, we were talking about family – [laughs] – and, you know, creating your own community, and it’s like –

Sarah: Yeess?

Amanda: – our own, our own parents haven’t been great in delivering the news? Like, Brian’s parents didn’t even call them! Brian got a text.

Sarah: Wait, what?

Amanda: Yep, Brian got a text.

Sarah: I’m sorry. Brian’s parents texted to congratulate on, on their engagement?

Amanda: Yes. [Laughs] Not even a, yeah, there hasn’t been a phone call since we told them on Monday.

Sarah: Wooow.

Amanda: Yeah! [Laughs]

Sarah: As a person who has parented, I would just like to say, That’s fucked is what that is.

Amanda: Yeah. And then I told my dad, and I, you know, I was like, Put me on speaker phone with mom in the room so she could hear it, and then once my mom left, my dad proceeded to lecture me about how I haven’t reached out to mom, and she, so, turned into, like, you know, talking about my mother on my engagement news. So Brian came over and was, like, rubbing my shoulder, ‘cause he could hear my side of the conversation.

Sarah: Oh, that’s fucking terrible.

Amanda: [Laughs] Every, like, I was really surprised when I walked into the office; there were, like, balloons! And, like, a bottle of rosé! And someone got a cake! And –

Sarah: Aw!

Amanda: You know, it’s been nice. Like, our friends and other family members – like, Brian’s aunt has been so sweet and called us and –

Sarah: Aw!

Amanda: – so happy, so, you know, there are other people who have been wonderfully happy for us, and that’s been nice.

Sarah: It sucks when the people who you should be able to count on for very basic things cannot show up in that way?

Amanda: Yeah. [Laughs]

Sarah: And, yeah, fuck them.

Amanda: Yeah. But it, it’s been nice. I think, did I tell you the proposal? I don’t think I did.

Sarah: Yeah, yeah! He put flowers all over the room and stationery.

Amanda: Yeah! ‘Cause we have Mandatory Cuddle Time after the work day is over, so we go upstairs and we cuddle and we decompress and we rant about our work days, and then it’s like our way of signaling, like, Okay, work is over. We’re done.

Sarah: Decompression. Sounds very healthy.

Amanda: Yep! So I came home on Monday, and we go up to do Mandatory Cuddle Time, and there’s bouquets of flowers everywhere and champagne –

Sarah: Awww!

Amanda: – and –

Sarah: You were like, Ohhh!

Amanda: I mean, I knew. Brian – ‘cause Brian had asked about the proposal, and I was like, All I care about is make sure my nails are freshly painted.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I don’t want them looking chipped and grody, okay? That’s all I care about. So.

Sarah: Okay, fair enough! You are not the first person I’ve heard say that.

Amanda: [Laughs] And I paint them every Sunday, so Brian asked me Sunday night for, like, Are you happy with your nail color?

Sarah: Ohhh, very subtle!

Amanda: I’m like –

Sarah: They’re very, very subtle.

Amanda: [Laughs] I’m like, I’m happy with my nail color. So we’re going to get the, the letters that we wrote post proposal framed this weekend!

Sarah: That’s really sweet.

Amanda: Yeah! I think so too!

Sarah: Congratulations!

Amanda: …you.

Sarah: I am very happy for you, and I’m happy for you both.

Amanda: Thank you so much!

Sarah: And now you get to plan a shindig!

Amanda: Yeah! I mean, we’re, like, wedding? We’re not going to have – you already know this – we’re not having, like, a ceremony-ceremony. So we don’t know what we’re going to do for that yet. There’s like a little micro-chapel in Somerville that does thirty minutes in and out.

Sarah: That’ll do.

Amanda: And then we’ll probably do like a party with booze and a food for our friends; it’ll be great!

Sarah: I mean, what, what else do you need for a party? Booze and food.

Amanda: Yeah. I’m make, going to make it very clear, no speeches. If you want to wax poetic about our love, just do it to us personally. If you do a speech, I’m bouncing you.

Sarah: No speeches!

Amanda: Nope.

Sarah: What’s wrong with speeches?

Amanda: Brian doesn’t like attention, so the thought of someone giving a speech to Brian and me while everyone stares makes Brian very uncomfortable.

Sarah: Fair enough.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I’ve also been to enough weddings where I’ve seen speeches go bad, very, very, very bad? Like hella bad.

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah. So no speeches. If people –

Sarah: No speeches!

Amanda: Yeah. If peo- – maybe like we might do a thing of like, If you would love to write your speech in a letter and we could collect those?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Or something. But, yeah, Brian was pretty clear early on, no wedding ce-, like, big wedding ceremony where we invite a bunch of people; no speeches; no, like, first dance where I dance with my mom, who I dislike, and everyone watches us for three minutes. Like –

Sarah: Oh! But yeah, no speeches? I get it! Having sat through them and having given them, I understand completely this feeling. It’s very awkward.

Amanda: Yeah. Brian, like, does not like attention whatsoever, so he doesn’t want anyone, like, looking at their expression –

Sarah: Okay, so –

Amanda: – while someone’s giving a speech.

Sarah: – if I ever meet them, like, we, I’m just going to be like, So listen, I’ve prepared a speech.

Amanda: [Laughs] You’ll see them, like, blanch.

Sarah: Bleah! [Laughs]

Amanda: Just all the blood drain from their face.

Sarah: Brian, I, I’m, I’m so excited to meet you?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I have, I’ve prepared a few words. Just let me in, and I just unroll a scroll. [Laughs]

Amanda: It just keeps going. Like a CVS receipt, it, like, bounces off the table and…

Sarah: I’ll just, I’ll just unroll it like, Just, just give me a second; let me get my glasses. Okay.

Amanda: I hope, I hope you’ve cleared two and a half hours from your schedule.

Sarah: This is going to take a minute. I might cry? It won’t be awkward at all; it’ll be great. I’ll do it in a really crowded place, which, you know, I love.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: That’s, that’s their hell, for sure.

Sarah: Poor Brian. He probably should not meet me.

Amanda: I know.

Sarah: [Laughs] Well, congratulations! Well, I am happy that you are happy. That is the best part.

Amanda: I’m ecstatic. It’s been, I mean, between Brian and me, things are great.

Sarah: Are you ready to talk about Romantic Times 1988?

Amanda: Yeah! This was bizarro, I felt.

Sarah: Wasn’t this, wasn’t this something?

Amanda: Yeah! This was – so ’88 is the year before I was born; I was born in ’89.

Sarah: Yep. I was, ’88, I was thirteen. Checks out. Math is good.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: This is epi- – this is episode – this is issue number 56. My favorite part of the cover is Over a Hundred Romances Reviewed. Wow! That’s it? That’s all we got.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Hundred, hundred books. That’s all; that’s all we’re getting here. Hundred.

Amanda: And very – I mean, the listeners will see that, like, they skew definitely in one category. [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh yeah! There’s really only one category here.

Amanda: Yeah! And, I mean, unfortunately, when I was looking through, I didn’t feel excited about any of these books.

Sarah: Oh no, this is a completely different era of romance, and I think you had to have, have read through it to understand how much it’s changed? But also – ‘cause this is –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – before I started reading romance. I didn’t start, I wasn’t exposed to romance until I was probably sixteen or seventeen, so this is a good four or five years away. You have to understand where romance was to understand how much it’s changed, but I don’t ever recommend you go back to read these unless you’re like me and you – all right, so I might start reading them and reviewing some of the old ones that I’ve come across –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – in the magazine just for the absolute horror show of it? Be like, Look at where we were and how far we’ve come? (And also how far we’ve not come.) ‘Cause it’s funny –

Amanda: Ooh.

Sarah: – while, while I was looking at this, I’m editing an, an interview with Courtney Milan, and we talk a lot about historical romance and how it’s changing and how what we used to think of historical romance is one thing, and when you say historical romance now you have to, like, really specify, Are you talking about whitewashed history of colonialist power, or are you talking about what she’s been calling transitional historical romances as historical romance transitions into something new, and that’s her and Beverly Jenkins, and it’s a long fucking transition, ‘cause Beverly Jenkins been writing for a long fucking time. Sherry Thomas and Adriana Herrera and all of these authors who are writing newer kinds of historicals: they do not have a lot in common with these.

Amanda: No. Yeah, I mean, there are definitely, for those who have access to the PDF scans, you know, we don’t cover every book, and if you go through and you look at these reviews –

Sarah: Oh my God.

Amanda: – there’s a lot of, you know, vague reference to slave ownership.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: There’s a lot of – like, you know, there are slurs.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Lot of, lot of G slurs and – oh, it’s just, it’s, it’s a, it is a time capsule. Also, I would just like to say, Mustaches! High number of mustaches. I wonder if those things are related?

Amanda: It’s interesting, and I think I have talked about this before of when I was in late teens, early twenties, and I would think of like what kind of, you know, physical traits in a, in a man am I attracted to? And body hair, for me, I felt skewed more towards like, Eh, not super interested.

Sarah: Oh yeah! You said you wanted your men smooth like a baby seal.

Amanda: Smooth like a baby seal. Glistening.

Sarah: Shiny.

Amanda: Just – shiny. I want to slip right off.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: But now, like, I think when we talked about, what is it?

Sarah: Heaven.

Amanda: Heaven, Haven, by Bobbi Smith?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: And that mustache? I was like, I get it.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: Like, I get it.

Sarah: I understand now. Did you see the pictures of Jonathan Bailey from the Bridgertons at the Emmys?

Amanda: No!

Sarah: Okay, so first of all, men’s fashion at red carpet events has really –

Amanda: This is the first google of the episode.

Sarah: First google of the episode. So Jonathan Bailey, who is astonishingly hot, like appallingly so, really just unacceptably good-looking, went in Armani – I think he is an ambassador for Armani, so they dress him for events – and he’s wearing a tux, but the shirt is open and unbuttoned, and there’s chest hair at the top? He and Matt –

Amanda: And it’s like a silk, satiny, shiny shirt?

Sarah: Yes! It’s a very dr-, it’s not stiff; it’s a very, it’s very drapey, so it’s like the, the folds of the fabric are drawing attention to the chest hair, and, and every person that I’ve seen looking at the fashion has been like, Well, that was excellent! [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah. No, it’s a good look.

Sarah: Yep! Chest hair. I bet there’s some of that in here too. Not that you’ll see it –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – ‘cause most of it’s in black and white.

Amanda: [Laughs] Just think it might be like, you know, schmutz on the –

Sarah: Honest to God –

Amanda: – tan. [Laughs]

Sarah: – it took me so long to get through this magazine, because I kept looking at a cover and thinking, All right, that’s in black and white, and I bet that’s fucking great in color! And then I would go look it up and sure enough, yes, it was. So I have a lot of covers –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – to share between this and ads and features. I also want to point out the rating key, which I screen-grabbed in our document? We’ve got a very basic rating key here. It’s very boring.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s hearts –

Amanda: And –

Sarah: – and the number of them.

Amanda: – in, in the, in the older issues, they do explain what four stars means, and three stars, even if we do not understand –

Sarah: Lovemaking! Still haven’t defined it; still using it –

Amanda: Yeah. Even –

Sarah: – as a citation. Yeah.

Amanda: Don’t understand!

Sarah: Fuck are you talking about?!

Amanda: I guess I feel it has no sort of like –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – any sort of further explanation.

Sarah: Yeah, here’s, here’s your rating key. Four hearts: Excellent. Three hearts: Good. Two hearts: Fair. One heart: Poor. Did you see any one-heart books? I saw none; I was looking. I did not see any.

Amanda: I didn’t see any.

Sarah: Everything is three and four stars, so that remains consistent! [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah…yeah.

Sarah: So shall we start with Historical – [laughs] – which is pretty much the only genre in this whole fucking magazine?

Amanda: Yeah. This is kind of – [laughs] – all you get!

Sarah: Okay, so before we begin I want to issue – I’ve been thinking about this; I was thinking about this while I walked the dog – you and I take trigger warnings and content warnings very seriously. We want everyone to be very safe in their brain, so we don’t want to surprise you with content that isn’t acceptable, so I want to just issue a blanket CONTENT WARNING over all of these books. We are talking about a time period where you were writing about other time periods with appropriation, celebrating colonialism, sometimes celebrating enslavement. This is going to be gnarly, so please be prepared for that, and if you can’t put this in your brain, that’s okay; we’ll be here when you come back. This is quite an issue. Holy shit.

So I am going to start on page 33 of the PDF with a four-star book by Ruth Langan, who also writes as Ruth Ryan Langan and I think R. L. Lang, I think, is her other name? [R. C. Ryan] She’s lovely; she is a lovely person. This is Mistress of the Seas, and I put the cover in our document because the woman on the cover is a fucking badass, and I’m so bummed the cover isn’t in the magazine. It’s this woman with dark hair and a red blouse and very hefty bosoms; like, they are defying gravity? They’re going north toward her collarbone instead of south toward her feet. She’s got like a, I guess it’s leather, like a black corset, but it doesn’t cover the boobs; it – what’s the thing that goes under the boobs? Is that a merry widow?

Amanda: I don’t know.

Sarah: Whatever it is, the boning of this garment is lifting the girls even higher. And so she’s like the big backdrop image against an orange sky, and then in front of her is this picture of the two of them, I’m presuming, with the guy’s shirt off of his shoulders – he’s wearing a blue shirt – a big fucking ship’s wheel with one of the handles pointed straight up – very suggestive.

Amanda: Yeah. I don’t know if I’d be distracting a man who’s steering –

Sarah: Why, why –

Amanda: – a big ship.

Sarah: – with, I don’t think the captain really needs to be distracted at this point; this is hard work. This, those ship’s wheels are kind of difficult. And she’s got, like, this green off-the-shoulder thing and a blue gown, and they’re embracing. I notice that there’s a pattern: all of the men pictured on the covers have, like, indigestion/O face?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Like, you can’t tell if it’s orgasmic or it’s digestive, but they’re just like, Ahhh! So he’s got Ahhh, and he’s like, Ahhh, right against her nose.

Amanda: When I saw this in the document, I immediately thought of Vivian Leigh and her pissed face.

Sarah: Yeess! Oh, that’s a –

Amanda: Her pissed stink face –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – eyebrow raised. This is the –

Sarah: Yeah, this girl is –

Amanda: – I…

Sarah: – this girl is giving hella stink face, like, You fucking putz. All right, so this is quite a ride, this review. All right. Mistress of the Seas, Ruth Langan, Harlequin, previous titles include Passage West and Destiny’s Daughter. Four stars – or hearts, rather.

>> In an act of calculated revenge, the bloodthirsty pirate Thornhill captures his enemy’s innocent four-year-old daughter, Ann Courtney Elizabeth.

Do they call her Ace for short? A. C. E.?

>> He raises her –

Amanda: [Indistinct]

Sarah: [Laughs] I know! That would be cool.

>> He raises her and trains her to be an expert fencer, master sailor, as well as a useful pawn in his treacherous games.

I made this note: there’s a lot of daughter-of-my-enemy books at this time. Lot of, like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I’m going to extract revenge against a person who had nothing to do with it.

>> Thornhill sends her to England as lady-in-waiting to Henrietta Maria, King Charles I’s bride, and as a spy for Cardinal Richelieu.

I guess I’m saying that right; I could be wrong.

>> At court she meets Roy MacLaren, a bold Scotsman who was once her father’s prisoner!

There’s already so many names.

>> Even as a slave –

Ouch.

>> – Rory had been the only man daring enough to touch Courtney and kiss her sweet lips before escaping.

That’s assault.

>> Now her attraction to him threatens her mission. When Courtney is caught as a spy, she valiantly defies her captors, dares to expose the real traitor, and uncovers the secrets of the past.

Of her past.

>> Broad in scope, sweeping in action, seething with sensuality –

Ugh.

>> – revenge, intrigue, and adventure, Mistress of the Seas is one of the best swashbucklers of the year. Ms. Langan’s sensitive portrait of Henrietta Maria and Charles as both, as both monarchs and a loving couple adds a fascinating dimension to Courtney and Rory’s exciting romance. Sensual!

Amanda: So when I hear the phrase Cardinal Richelieu, my brain immediately goes to Tim Curry in The Three Musketeers movie from 1993 –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – which, if you guys didn’t know, is a Disney movie?

Sarah: Wait, seriously? Holy shit!

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: No way!

Amanda: And I – yeah! – and I watched it recent-ish-ly, and I was shocked that this is a Disney movie because there are some saucy things –

Sarah: Oh, it’s, it’s quite –

Amanda: – happening.

Sarah: – bawdy.

Amanda: Yeah. I was really surprised, but now I just am thinking about Tim Curry, so.

Sarah: I also want to point out that this book –

Amanda: …not too bad.

Sarah: – this book is four hundred pages and costs three dollars and twenty-five cents. ‘Twas a different time.

Amanda: You can barely get a Snickers bar for that price –

Sarah: I know, right?

Amanda: – these days.

Sarah: I also want to just point out what we’re, kind of things we’re dealing with here. On page 40 of the PDF there is a review for Shared Passions by Lucy Elliot, and it says, I quote – brace yourselves, CONTENT WARNING –

>> John Randall is rumored to be a pirate, slave runner, and bounty hunter. Despite this, Sydney is attracted to him.

No! Nooo! No! No, thank you! That’s a No for me. Like, that’s, that – this is the era we are in. Ugh.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s quite a lot. What did you pick?

Amanda: As I mentioned earlier, not, not a ton of these books appealed to me.

Sarah: Oh no, these are artifacts, right?

[Laughter]

Amanda: But I did see an, a review for Fortune’s Choice on page 37 of the PDF, and there is a black-and-white photo of the cover a couple pages later –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – and I, I pasted the real cover in the document, and I just, we love a wild horse –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – and –

Sarah: It’s a horse freaking the fuck out in the background!

Amanda: [Laughs] We love an animal –

Sarah: You got a winner. Oh yeah.

Amanda: – that’s just clearly distressed.

Sarah: Look how phallic that horse’s neck and head are rendered.

Amanda: I know! So if, in the PDF, the actual –

Sarah: There’s like a meatus and everything! [Laughs]

Amanda: – the actual cover is on page 40, and the horse is cut off, so it just does look like a giant dick –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – coming out of the hero’s neck.

Sarah: Yeah, like a big ol’ phallus.

Together: Yeah.

Amanda: So, great cover. I also loved when covers did, like, the gold embossing?

Sarah: Oh yes.

Amanda: It just made it –

Sarah: Not only is there embossing –

Amanda: – so fancy.

Sarah: It’s so fancy, and there’s the Zebra hologram in the top right, where you, all of the Zebras have that hologram sticker on the front? I don’t even think it was a sticker –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I think it was like part of the cover. So there’s a hologram. Like, this is so ‘80s. This got, has a hologram.

Amanda: Yeah. I couldn’t find, like, a normal scan that wasn’t, like, completely blown out of the cover –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – and so I just had to take this photo I found online of a person taking a picture of the copy that they own?

Sarah: This is a particular eBay seller. I have received a lot of images from this eBay seller. I owe them many thanks. They take the, take the book, and they put it on a particular lace tablecloth. I, I now recognize the tablecloth. I have now seen this tablecloth like twelve times, ‘cause this person sells old romances, and this is a picture from eBay. So the, to this eBay seller, I salute you.

Amanda: So the review starts on page 37 of the PDF. Fortune’s Choice, four hearts.

Sarah: Ohhh, here we go!

Amanda: I’m assuming the author’s name is Michalann, like Michelle?

Sarah: M-I-C-H-A-L-A-N-N. Mick-a-lan?

Amanda: Mick-a-lan?

Sarah: Michael-Ann?

Amanda: Michalann Perry?

Sarah: Mish-a-lan?

Amanda: I don’t know.

Sarah: Michelin?

Amanda: Michelin stars?

Sarah: I have no idea.

Amanda: I don’t know either, so if anyone is familiar with the pronunciation, feel free to let us know.

Sarah: She’s probably listening.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: You know –

Amanda: Previous titles are Untamed Surrender, Captive Surrender, and Defiant Splendor.

Sarah: This is, these are some, those are, those are such romance titles?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Untamed, Captive, Defiant Splendor, Ecstasy – yeah. These are – you could make a lot of titles out of these words. These are…oh yeah, those are romance titles from the ‘80s, no question.

Amanda: And I picked this one ‘cause I feel like it had a lot of corny names in it?

Sarah: Oh, the names in this one are so good! I flagged this for heroine names, ‘cause I need to tell you, I went to college with someone with this heroine’s name spelled like that.

Amanda: Really.

Sarah: Really – please, please be aware I went to college in South Carolina in the ‘90s, so, you know, this name –

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sarah: – was perfectly in fashion for that, but yeah. I am so excited. I flagged this immediately.

Amanda: So the review is:

>> The instant LaRaine Ashby sees her lookalike staring out of a Wanted Dead or Alive poster, she knows that the other woman is her twin sister, the notorious outlaw Flame Rider.

Sarah: [Laughs] I love it! Please be, I’m, I’m speaking about LaRaine, and it is spelled L-A-capital-R-A-I-N-E.

Amanda: >> Flame makes Belle Starr look like Snow White.

Sarah: What?

Amanda: And I had to google Who the fuck is Belle Starr?

Sarah: I don’t know who Belle Starr is.

Amanda: And –

Sarah: Who’s that?

Amanda: She’s an histor-, she’s a notorious female outlaw who died – I think she got shot, and she lived to the age of forty. But I had to look this up, ‘cause I was like, Am I supposed to know who the hell this is?

Sarah: Who the hell’s Belle Starr?

Amanda: So I googled it, ‘cause I –

Sarah: Which is good.

Amanda: – when I read the review I was like, I don’t know who this person is. She was an outlaw who associated with the James Younger gang.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: She was convicted of horse theft in 1883.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: Rumors are that, so her brother was a Confederate soldier, and rumors are, is that, that she might have worked as a spy to help her brother for the Confederacy?

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: Her brother was apparently killed by federal troops eventually.

Sarah: Whoa!

Amanda: I know! But yeah, so she’s, like, a famous female, like, outlaw. Her murder is unsolved. They don’t know who shot her, but she was shot with her own gun.

Sarah: Damn!

Amanda: But yeah, so it’s unsolved; no one knows who killed her. Someone suggests that her son actually killed her. But yeah, so I went down, like, a little bit of a rabbit hole, ‘cause I was like, I don’t know who this is. But I’m also curious if readers would know who Belle Starr was? Like, would they get this reference? I don’t know!

Sarah: I, I’m, I guess, maybe? I don’t know, because this is, this is still the period of time where there’s a lot of outlaw Wild West historicals, along with, like, riverboat gambler historicals, so maybe that’s a more common term to this audience? But I, that just flew right over my head.

Amanda: And this is in ’88. You can’t Wikipedia this.

Sarah: Oh no.

Amanda: You have to go to, like, the library.

Sarah: Oh yeah! Oh, yes, you do!

Amanda: Yeah, and that seems like a chore –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – to be like, I saw this one random name in a book review. Now I have to go to my library and spend an afternoon doing research. So the review continues with:

>> LaRaine vows to make up for all the years they’ve been separated and to keep her sister from hanging. She just never counted on being abducted by train robbers and walking right into Pinkerton detective Brand Colter.

Sarah: Ooh, good one! [Laughs]

Amanda: >> Hot on the trail of the elusive Flame, Brand naturally mistakes LaRaine for her twin. All hell breaks loose until Flame shows up. Determined to save Flame from hanging, LaRaine sidetracks Brand so she and Flame can escape. She sacrifices her happiness for Flame’s chance at freedom. They establish new, highly respectable identities, then Brand rides into town, determined to find the woman he loves. Will LaRaine be able to give him up again?

>> Michalann Perry has the knack for taking some tried-and-true plot themes – twins separated at birth – and adding enough surprises, new twists, her unique brand of humor and sensuality to turn this story into something special. Spicy!

Sarah: Spicy!?

Amanda: And this one is over five hundred pages for three ninety-five.

Sarah: Ouch! All right, I have two things. First of all, Spicy, ooh! If they’re separated at birth, how does she recognize her twin sister and know that she’s this Flame Rider? Like, is, is her sister that infamous? And if that’s the case, how has she not been mistaken for this person before? ‘Cause obviously if she’s infamous, then people know who she is.

Amanda: So she’s, in the review it mentions she sees a Wanted poster.

Sarah: Right, and realizes that it’s her face, but, Oh, I must have a twin who’s an outlaw.

Amanda: Yeah! I mean if I saw my face on a Wanted poster, my first thought is like, That’s a mistake. My first thought wouldn’t be, Oh, I have a twin somewhere, unless –

Sarah: That’s very true.

Amanda: – unless there’s some sort of indication that she knows, that she knows that, like, she did have a sister and her sister’s gone missing. I have no clue.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: So I don’t know.

Sarah: Before we move on, I have one other hero name that I want to point out, because this one’s pretty good?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: On PDF page 41, An Exquisite Deception, three hearts plus sign, so three-plus hearts? By Elizabeth Douglas, from a publisher called Pageant that I don’t think exists anymore.

>> The only way Prudence Varney can escape her vengeful guardian’s henchmen is to disguise herself as a lad –

Everybody drink.

>> – and hide on a ship bound for the American colonies.

Drink again.

>> For added safety, she indentures herself to the mysterious, masked Flynt Birket.

[Laughs] Flynt –

Amanda: [Indistinct]

Sarah: – Birket. Wow! Flynt Birket! Oh, that’s a name!

Amanda: I don’t like it.

Sarah: That’s a good name. I think yours is better, though.

Amanda: But my brain keeps wanting to change it to Flint Brisket?

Sarah: Or Flint Lockwood from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Flint Lockwood! [Laughs]

The next section is Series. Most of these are four stars. Just like the other issues, there is one big page of all of the October and November series romances. All of them are either NR for no review – I guess they didn’t get a copy or something? – and four to four-plus stars – I’m sorry, three-plus to four-plus stars. I don’t think I saw any fives. There might have been one. But the, but the range, as usual, is extremely, very nar-, very, very narrow.

Amanda: Yeah. It’s weird that there are pluses and minuses now.

Sarah: Yeah. It’s very strange. Like, what are you doing? So what did you pick?

Amanda: So, one thing I noticed when I was scanning is there are a lot of heroines with odd jobs.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Quirky professions.

Amanda: There’s like a – yeah! – there’s like a greeting card writer; there’s a bicycle courier, or she, like, runs a bicycle courier business. They were all just, like, pretty – [laughs] – quirky…

Sarah: There’s even an owner of a gourmet pastry shop! What era are we in? Could be now, could be then; it’s a perennial heroine job.

Amanda: Yeah, it never goes out of style.

Sarah: I like pastry. I won’t complain.

Amanda: So I picked, on page 72 – I think it’s 72 of the PDF – Always Amy by Billie Green. I hate these, because they just, like –

Sarah: …just –

Amanda: – pack them into a bunch of paragraphs. There we go. It’s towards the end of the left-hand column under Crown/Pageant?

Sarah: Yep, there you go! Oh, well, that –

Amanda: Pageant –

Sarah: – that answers my question: Pageant was part of Crown. Okay!

Amanda: Yeah. And I also didn’t know Berkley was part of Second Chance, or Berkley was, or Second Chance was part of Berkley?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: I’ve never heard of Second Chance. Obviously, they might have gone defunct before I became involved in reading romance?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: But I picked Billie Green’s Always Amy.

>> Pageant brings out the big guns in November, introducing the Now and Forever line, a series of books by some of the genre’s top authors. Billie Green starts the ball rolling with a charming and off-beat love story of a wealthy heiress who decides to find out what life is like on her own. Always Amy (four hearts) is full of “Green” magic, a blend of wry humor, tender yearning, and deep, abiding passion.

I mean, it doesn’t really tell me a lot, but I was like, Is this heiress trying to become a witch?

Sarah: What, what the hell’s the plot of this book?

Amanda: I mean, I don’t know, but I was like, Green magic!? The heiress wants to have life on her own terms, and then she immediately turns to witchcraft?

Sarah: I mean, stranger things have happened. I put a copy of the cover –

Amanda: For sure.

Sarah: All right, so here’s the cover copy. This was published January 1st, 1988.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: >> She was the sweetheart of Dallas society, a beautiful debutante with the world at her fingertips. Everyone envied Amy Criswell – especially when they heard of her engagement to handsome Joel Barker, the catch of the decade!

That’s a lot of pressure.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: >> And yet, Amy needed more. Society parties and sparkling gems were meaningless in a world without love. Amy fled the protective walls of the Criswell mansion. But she could not escape from Joel. Her wild spirit shattered his senses, even as her innocent kisses stoked the fires deep within his heart. Amy Criswell had touched his very soul. And Joel wasn’t about to let her go.

But there’s nothing about witchcraft or anything weird.

Amanda: Where’s the witchcraft?

Sarah: Green magic? What does that even mean?

Amanda: That’s what I want to know!

Sarah: What the hell does that even mean?

Amanda: Always Amy – I’m –

Sarah: There’s no other description that I’m finding here, so, I mean, in my head, I’ve written a much more interesting story. [Laughs]

Amanda: Oh wait. I realize what’s happening. It’s not fucking witchcraft at all! I’m upset now.

Sarah: Green! Green is the author’s last name!

Amanda: Green – [laughs]

Sarah: Sweet Jesus in a basket. Ho wow, we are just on it today. Go us.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Coming in strong like a bunch of bozos. Here we are.

[Laughter]

Amy: I was like, Green magic; that’s witchcraft stuff! Ahhh.

Sarah: The green – because “Green” is in quotes, I thought it was a descriptor, not, like, the author’s name. It didn’t – because they’re not next to each other, I didn’t make the connection. Ooh! Wow. We’re just –

Amanda: Sorry.

Sarah: – sharp and –

Amanda: Everyone got to witness us work through that in real time.

Sarah: I mean, ironically, the one that I picked is called Water Witch, so, you know, there’s witchcraft in these.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I just want to point out –

Amanda: Well, maybe!

Sarah: Yeah, Amy.

Amanda: Are we sure?

Sarah: Amy. Amy, come out of the mansion; we got some plants to talk about.

I also want to point out that on this page where your review is:

>> Authors, send galleys or manuscripts to Melinda Helfer.

Who is no longer with us, but was the one who wrote all these reviews. With her complete address and phone number. And if you go back to Historical, at the end it says – [laughs] –

>> Authors, send your books and manuscripts to Kathe Robin –

With an address and phone number, and so I have tried texting the phone number, but I have a feeling it’s a land line, ‘cause I didn’t get a response, so I’m going to, I’m going to have to call it. Be like, Kathe, do you remember me? You want to have coffee?

Amanda: People’s, there are people’s addresses all over this fucking thing.

Sarah: Oh, every, everyone’s like, Just send me a letter! Right, here’s my phone number! Like:

>> Check with your publisher several months before publication date to make sure…to make certain they are gong out.

Little typo there.

>> Otherwise, call Kathe and arrange to send your manuscript. She loves to hear from authors.

Can you imagine what her mailbox looked like? Was it just a bucket? Like, full-ass manuscripts?

So the book I picked is on PDF page 71. It is called Water Witch by Jan Hudson, but I want to call your attention to the right-hand column, an inch from the top.

Amanda: I saw.

Sarah: >> Janet Evanovich, aka Steffie Hall, makes good use of Colonial Williamsburg and Thanksgiving.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: That’s, this is how old this was. Janet Evanovich was writing Bantam Loveswepts.

>> Water Witch marks the pleasing Loveswept debut of Jan Hudson, whose delightful first book was published by Dell Supreme under the pseudonym of Jan Oliver. An unemployed geologist uses unorthodox means to determine the right place to drill a water well, in spite of the doubts of her handsome neighbor. Ms. Hudson writes with an engaging charm that will win her many fans.

They’re, that’s, that’s not a review! [Laughs] I mean there’s very little information. She’s looking for water.

Amanda: I feel like many of these, once you reach the end of the review you’re like, What?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: I still don’t know what’s happening.

Sarah: So here’s the cover text from Amazon for Water Witch:

>> Geologist Max Strahan lost her job and is about to lose her house. When she’s offered a generous sum to locate water on a dry site in the Texas Hill Country, she jumps at the chance. After all, she learned to witch for water at her grandfather’s knee. If there was water on that rocky hill, she’d find it. Piece of cake.

Wha- – do I need to read this to find out what witching for water is? Is this like using a dowsing rod? Like, what is this?

Amanda: That’s what I think so.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: That’s what I was wondering. Yeah, it is dowsing.

Sarah: Witching for water is water dowsing, a forked stick to locate an underground –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Wooow!

Amanda: Is that real?

Sarah: Well, for…

Amanda: Like, what –

Sarah: Funny enough, farmersalmanac.com has an article: “Water Witching: Fact or Fake?” Locating water underground using a stick. Is it pseudoscience or the real deal? Let’s find out.

>> Many experts classify this art in the realm of pseudoscience, but several studies have shown that the average dowser is no better at predicting the location of water than anyone else. No one knows why dowsing works or if it does work.

Amanda: Weird! Okay!

Sarah: Very, very weird. Whatever!

Now, I just, page, PDF page 75!

Amanda: This is so sad! [Laughs]

Sarah: Contemporary review. It’s just one book! Just the one!

Amanda: Just one little book tacked on –

Sarah: Just one.

Amanda: – to the end of Series.

Sarah: And there’s a brazen nympho.

Amanda: Hey, live, live your truth –

Sarah: Right?

Amanda: – Liz.

Sarah: >> His wife Liz, a brazen nympho, is occupied with chalking up endless affairs, including one with Gianni DeLuca, a notorious Italian count.

This is a book set in Aspen.

>> A page-turning smorgasbord of sex, shopping, and schmaltz.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Oh yeah! So there’s one contemporary romance. So at this time, we needed a bit of a Save the Contemporary campaign.

And finally, there’s one more section of reviews, and it’s Regency! There’s, there’s one, one –

Amanda: I skipped this one. I, like, I read all of them, and I’m like, These are just, they’re fine! But, like, nothing exciting, no silly little names –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – nothing of – you know, they’re all just okay.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: So I, nothing from me on this one. I was like, Uh, snooze.

Sarah: And they have two reviewers; they have Kathe Robin and Melinda Helfer, and that is it. These people were reading a lot of books. These were two very, very busy people.

Amanda: I said the only thing I like on this page is the Lydia Lee author photo, where she’s posing with a cat!

Sarah: Do we know the name of the cat? No.

Amanda: No.

Sarah: But I want to point out her hair? She’s got one of those hairstyles where someone with a lot of hair and a lot of volume in their hair can make a little, big, like a big poof all the way around and then another poof on top?

Amanda: Yep.

Sarah: I’m assuming there’s backcombing and hairspray involved, but that is, like, I, I look at that –

Amanda: It’s the ‘80s!

Sarah: – and I’m like, How do you, how do you do that? Like, even if I had a lot of hair, I couldn’t make my hair do that. It’s just impressive. It’s a cute picture, and I do want to know what the name of the cat is.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: The book that I picked was a Mary Balogh! The Ungrateful Governess from Signet, four-plus hearts. Four hearts and a plus sign. I don’t know what that means.

>> Once again, the striking originality of Mary Balogh shines like a beacon! In the night! As she delivers another impressive novel of Regency romance!

Obviously that was destined to be on the cover of a future book.

>> The Earl of Rutherford was a most discriminating rake.

Drink.

>> Not for him the jaded charms of a flirtatious chambermaid.

That’s assault.

>> Not when he could find passions deeper by far beneath the unremarkable demeanor of a demure governess.

Drink.

>> So he did not hesitate to make a most dishonorable proposal to one Miss Jessica Moore when he discovered her perusing her employer’s bookshelves most improperly in her night attire!

Amanda: Leave this lady alone to enjoy a book.

Sarah: >> Being a gentleman, however –

Really?

>> – he took her refusal with relatively good grace.

Amanda: Oh, great.

Sarah: Sure!

Amanda: Good for him.

Sarah: Yeah! I’m sorry she said no to you, you schmuck.

>> But when Jessica found herself dismissed without references, he pressed his attentions once more, only to be rejected at a most inopportune moment.

All right, so this guy sucks.

>> So why then did this charming seducer escort a reluctant Jessica to his grandmother’s house in London? And why was he so enraged when that social dragon took the young lady under her wing and introduced her to society as the granddaughter –

Amanda: Is his grand-, is his grandmother the social dragon?

Sarah: Yep. One of those – everybody drink! – one of those older ladies of the Ton who is fearsome and feared and scary and whatever. It’s a Lady Danbury prototype.

>> Why was he so enraged when that social dragon took the young lady under her wing and introduced her to society as the granddaughter of an old friend? And why did this determined bachelor find himself proposing marriage? Not until the earl faces some hard truths about himself –

Probably that he sucks.

>> – does their relationship finally have the opportunity to flourish. Ms. Balogh has a really, has really outdone herself with this fascinating mix of sizzling sensuality and tender sensitivity.

Two hundred twenty-four pages, two dollars ninety-five cents.

Amanda: Wow.

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: I also wonder if the four hearts plus sign is the precursor to, like, the Top Pick.

Sarah: Ohhh, maybe! It’s so good it’s more than –

Amanda: ‘Cause they don’t –

Sarah: But they have, but they have a five star, right?

Amanda: Nope! It only goes up four hearts!

Sarah: It only goes up to four. You’re right. You’re right, you’re right, you’re right; it’s only four. So yeah, maybe this is four and a half hearts Top Pick. TP. It’s a TP!

Amanda: TP. So.

Sarah: This is just a drinking game of, of archetypes, all of these characters. Like, ah, yep! Governess, library, rake, flirtatious chambermaid. She works there, you schmuck-o! Jesus Christ.

Amanda: Yeah, she’s there to do her job! And if she wants to read a book in the evening to relax –

Sarah: That doesn’t mean you have to –

Amanda: – let her!

Sarah: – doesn’t mean you to stick your dick in it. Also –

Amanda: No!

Sarah: – I like the part where the social dragon took the young lady under her wing and introduced her to society as the granddaughter of an old friend. I’m just going to make up a pedigree for this girl; I don’t give a fuck. Yeah! She’s a granddaughter of an old friend of mine! Named Bob, who you don’t know, but look! It’s very Pygmalion, right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s very My Fair Lady.

Amanda: Which I, I love. I love a –

Sarah: Oh, I love it too, because there’s an element of dec- –

Amanda: – Pygmalion story.

Sarah: I love the idea of social deception, that you can fool somebody into thinking that someone is the same class as you, based on the performance of specific markers, ‘cause in real-, in reality that’s actually very hard? ‘Cause there’s al-, there’s always a sign that doesn’t quite fit ‘cause social markers are very slippery and meant to uphold a very specific power structure. I think it’s fascinating, and it’s one of my favorite tropes, but I don’t know if I want to read this. He sounds like an asshole.

Amanda: So what I think is funny, too, in most, like, Pygmalion/My Fair Lady stories is, like, the woman wasn’t terrible-looking to begin with, right? Like, if you look at Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – she’s not that bad, or, like, even the modern, like, She’s All That, which is like a My Fair Lady/Pygmalion retelling.

Sarah: Which –

Amanda: Rachael Leigh Cook –

Sarah: Took her glasses off.

Amanda: – just wore glasses and was a little bit weird. Like – [laughs]

Sarah: Yeah. But she was still cute with glasses on. Like, it’s not a stretch.

Amanda: I just think it’s so funny. Like, is this really a challenge?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Come on.

Sarah: So those were the, those were the reviews. Can you believe that? [Laughs] There’s only three genres, and they’re pretty much the same!

Amanda: There’s only three, but, like, a hundred books! Which I would, I did not count them, but with the amount of historicals and the amount of series that get smooshed, wouldn’t be surprised if it was a hundred in this –

Sarah: Oh, easily.

Amanda: – issue.

Sarah: Easily, and there’s so many ads for the books that are being reviewed, and a lot of the review, a lot of the ads that are embedded in the review section include, you know, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for a bookmark and then person’s address, so these are authors paying, placing these ads. ‘Cause I don’t think the publisher would be like, Yeah! Send us, send us a self-addressed, stamped envelope for a bookmark. Publishers aren’t going to do that.

I don’t think I want to read any of these.

Amanda: No! Nothing came up for me.

Sarah: This is one of those eras where I am happy to leave it in the past. Like, it’s cool to see where we’ve been, but I don’t need to go back.

Amanda: No.

Sarah: I mean, serious- –

Amanda: I’m all right.

Sarah: – seriously, John Randall is your, rumored to be a pirate, slave runner, and bounty hunter, and despite this Sydney is attracted to him. Nope! I’m out. That’s it. I’m good.

Amanda: No, thank you.

Sarah: No, thanks. Nope! But I did go to college with someone named LaRaine.

Amanda: I wonder, like, LaRaine makes me think of Loraine? Like –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – L-O-R-A-I-N-E?

Sarah: I think it was like an alternate –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – spelling, yeah. But it means the queen.

Amanda: Ohhh! I didn’t know that!

Sarah: La, la reine is, reine is queen in French, and in Spanish it’s reina, so yeah, LaRaine is the queen.

Amanda: Look, we learned something new, even when looking at a romance review newsletter from 1988.

Sarah: It’s true; we learn so much from this project.

Amanda: [Laughs]

[outro]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you for joining us. Thank you, and congrats again to Amanda and Brian. I’m sure we will have details and planning news as the weeks go on. And of course I will have links to all of the books that we talked about. And, like I said in the intro, if you join the Patreon, you get to read the whole PDF! It’s a big old PDF. Even back then, a hundred books? But a lot of ads, let me tell you. And we will back in two weeks with the ads and features. Listen, these are covers from 1988. You, you don’t want to miss these. They’re going to be incredible.

And speaking of, there will be a link to the visual aids post in the show notes, so you can see the covers of these books and some of the reviews and what all of this looked like. It’s a very different time. Especially Mistress of the Seas. The girl on the cover of that book is a badass. So don’t miss the visual aids; it’s linked in the show notes; should be able to see it inside your podcast app.

I always end with a terrible joke, and this week it’s a really, really bad one, which is why I’m telling it to you.

What’s green and fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree could kill you?

Give up? What’s green and fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

[Laughs] That was so bad, I love it!

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend; we’ll see you back here next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

Pool table. [Laughs]

[end of music]