As a follow up to last week’s podcast, I share the broadcast of Amanda and I making peanut butter and mayo sandwiches, inspired by folks who have shared strong opinions.
Yes, we eat PB and Mayo sandwiches. Live on air. I’m sorry.
But we also talk a LOT about cookies so if you’re hungry, maybe have snacks before you press play?
We also cover:
- Good roommate code of behavior
- The culinary roles of the Wendy’s Frosty
- Mayo as condiments for fries? (YES)
- Potato chips IN the sandwich? (YES)
We answer these Very Important Questions:
- What are the regional mayos near us?
- What peanut butter brands reign supreme?
- How many mayos are in our fridge?
- How much does Amanda love pickles?
- Should we add pickles to the mayo and PB sandwiches?
- Which Girl Scout Cookies (regional and national) are the very greatest ones?
And we have one of The Funniest Neighbor Stories I have EVER heard.
Seriously, if the year marker of the Quarantimes has got you a little down like it has me, and if you need more silly-laugh and food mayhem, you’ve come to the right podcast episode. Visuals for this episode are in the show notes.
…
Music: purple-planet.com
❤ Read the transcript ❤
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COOKIES!
- Murder Cookies (with bonus audiobook recommendation)
- And I found two potential copycat recipes for Savannah Smiles:
PICTURES!
And…Amanda’s Sandwich:
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Transcript
❤ Click to view the transcript ❤
[music]
Sarah Wendell: Hello there. Thank you for inviting me into your eardrums. I’m Sarah Wendell from Smart Podcast, Trashy Books, and this is episode number 449. As a follow-up to last week’s very silly food podcast, this week I am sharing the broadcast of Amanda and I making peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches, inspired by all of you who had strong opinions about food. Seriously, if the year marker of the Quarantimes has got you a little down like it has me and if you need more silly laughter and food mayhem, this is the right episode; excellent choices! We are going to eat peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches on the air. Well, I mean, Amanda’s going to have to push me into doing it; I was really not into this. But we also talk about cookies, so maybe get some snacks, and we’re going to cover a lot of food discussion, plus one of the funniest neighbor stories I have ever heard. There are visuals for this episode in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast.
I have a compliment! I love doing these.
To Sam K.: The backgrounds of old portraits often feature random knickknacks with hidden meanings, and art historians theorize that the green ones represent reverence and admiration for you, even in two-hundred-plus-year-old pictures.
If you would like a compliment of your very own or you would like to support the show with a monthly pledge, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Every pledge helps make sure that every episode is accessible and keeps the show going.
A special hello to Pam, Karelia, and Ellen, who have just joined the Patreon community!
If you would like to join: patreon.com/SmartBitches.
This episode is brought to you in part by Headspace. If you have tried meditation in the past, like me, and found it was hard to stick with or you felt like you were doing it wrong, I would like to invite you to try Headspace. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy-to-use app. Headspace is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research, so whatever the situation, Headspace really can help you feel better! If you’re feeling overwhelmed, Headspace has a three-minute SOS meditation for you. I’ve done it. It’s fabulous. If you need some help falling asleep, Headspace has wind-down sessions that their members, including Amanda, swear by. And for parents, Headspace has morning meditations you can do with your kids. Headspace’s approach to mindfulness can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus, and increase your overall sense of wellbeing. Since I started using Headspace I have meditated nearly every day for over a hundred days, and yep, I do indeed feel better! When I start to feel stressed out or out of control of my environment or my, my feelings and my shoulders are up near my ears, I have techniques to help me and my brain stretch out and relax. I feel more centered and more in control when things around me are not under control. Headspace is backed by twenty-five published studies on its benefits, six hundred thousand five-star reviews, and over sixty million downloads. Headspace makes it easy for you to build a life-changing meditation practice with mindfulness that works for you on your schedule, anytime, anywhere. You deserve to feel happier, and Headspace is meditation made simple! Go to headspace.com/SARAH – that’s headspace.com/SARAH, S-A-R-A-H – for a free one-month trial with access to Headspace’s full library of meditations for every situation. This is the best deal offered right now. Head to headspace.com/SARAH today!
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It is about to get extremely silly in here, and I hope that you will enjoy this very, very silly episode and laugh as much as we did. On with the podcast with me, Amanda, strange sandwiches, and more strong food opinions.
[music]
Amanda: I feel like you’re hung up on the sandwich details so you don’t have to eat it. You’re just prolonging it.
Sarah: Yes. Yes, I am, because I have told everyone in my house that I’m going to eat a mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwich, and they have all made various noises such as ew! and why?! Why would you do that?!
Amanda: I told my roommate, and she’s like, I threw up in my mouth a little bit, which probably will taste better than your sandwich.
Sarah: [Laughs] Mayonnaise and peanut butter. Is this the experiment or a journey?
Amanda: Both?
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: An experiment that could lead to a journey?
Sarah: I feel like I should put this in sports. ‘Cause I have to, I have to assign a hashtag. Maybe it’s business. Do you think it would be business? It’s definitely business. I think this is the ult- –
Amanda: Can you imagine – [laughs] – like, some business bro logging on.
Sarah: [Business bro voice] I’m going to listen to some business shows!
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: First question: I have to use creamy peanut butter, because the chunky peanut butter is a limited amount, and we’re in quarantine before, before we, before we travel, so I can’t go get more, more, more peanut butter, so I have to use the peanut butter that we have more of, which is creamy, but I feel like that’s the right choice when going up against mayonnaise, right?
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: So you obviously went with creamy peanut butter.
Amanda: That’s all I have!
Sarah: How much peanut butter, how much peanut butter did you use? Is this like the meeting of two condiments, or is one of these more of a main choice?
Amanda: All right, I’m going to send you a photo on Slack of –
Sarah: Okay, I think I –
Amanda: – look at my –
Sarah: – need to see your sandwich, ‘cause I have, I have – I have a message.
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: All right, you ready?
[pop!]
Amanda: Yeah.
Stylins on Birds: I just want to share that Sarah’s mouth moving and only static coming out was amazing. Chef’s kiss. It was so funny –
[Laughter]
Stylins: – but also I’m glad it got fixed.
[pop]
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: All right.
Sarah: Thank you, Stylins on Birds. I often sound like static.
Amanda: Okay, sent you the sandwich.
Sarah: Okay. We have another message, and I am told by our moderator Adam, who I understand will not be trying the sandwich, that, that we have to play this before I eat.
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: So hang on. Here we go.
[pop!]
Guest: Oh my gosh, is that off of last week’s convo? This is so great; I can’t wait to hear.
[pop]
[Laughter]
Sarah: Yes!
Amanda: It is.
Sarah: Yes, it is. We made a promise to you that, that we would, that, that we would, we would try this, and we’ve been talking about it all week, haven’t we?
Amanda: Yes! Yes, we have, actually. [Laughs] We have nothing better to do than –
Sarah: Oh wow! So you have a lot of peanut butter in your sandwich!
Amanda: I mean, I don’t know if I have a lot! I just did like one nice schmear of both.
Sarah: Okay, so you have a, you have a substantially hefty amount of schmear here – excellent use of the word schmear. So I think in order to equate our experiences from afar I need to add a little bit more peanut butter, which I will do right now.
Oh, we have more messages while I –
Amanda: Oh boy –
Sarah: – peanut butter my bread. I think we need to ask Stephanie to try it also. I think your roommate needs to try it.
Amanda: She wouldn’t; she hates mayonnaise. She hates mayonnaise.
Sarah: Oh, everyone in my house does too until I cook with it, and they’re like, oh wow, this is really good! All right, message.
[pop!]
Guest: Totally not helpful, but my –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Guest: – younger cousin used to really enjoy sandwiches made out of peanut butter, mayonnaise, and pickle relish. Bleah!
Amanda: Ooh!
[pop]
Sarah: Oh –
Amanda: I have relish!
Sarah: – you know –
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: – I also have – I don’t have pickle relish, but I have miniature dill pickles. I could just chop some up if I don’t like, like, if I, if, if, if the peanut butter and the mayonnaise are not quite enough, I can, I can –
Amanda: Well, I –
Sarah: – we can add.
Amanda: I think my roommate is listening to this show –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: – because when they suggested pickles, she sent me a message that says, no! Oh God!
Sarah: [Laughs more]
Amanda: So hi, Stephanie!
Sarah: If you are listening, hi, Stephanie; we want you to try the sandwich!
Amanda: No.
Sarah: I’m, I’m using the good mayo, too. I’m, I’m – is this, like, in the good room-, roommate code? Like, everyone tells stories about terrible roommates, but I know you guys have lived together for a really long time. Is this part of just the good roommate code, that you don’t make your roommate eat a mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwich?
Amanda: Correct.
Sarah: I think that’s fair.
Amanda: – don’t do that.
Sarah: That just seems un-, unkind. All right, I have my sandwich.
Amanda: Are you ready?
Sarah: No, I want to hear what you had to say. Anything to delay –
Amanda: Oh!
Sarah: – this process as long as possible.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: I’m pretty sure this might kill me! Also, this is going to be, like, the worst ASMR broadcast ever in the history of the world?
Amanda: That’s –
Sarah: Like, I’m really sorry people. This is, this is going to be – yeah.
Amanda: Good roommate code is like, if you’re getting takeout, ask your roommate what they want! So Stephanie and I got burgers last night, and they were delicious! What kind of bread are you using?
Sarah: Ooh! I have ordinary white sandwich bread from the freezer –
Amanda: Okay!
Sarah: – that I use to make grilled cheese sandwiches. I do have some sourdough, but I was like, that’s too much crust, and what if the sourdough and the peanut butter and the mayo is just too much, right? That seemed like, that seemed like a little bit too much of an adventurous bread.
Amanda: Okay, I have –
Sarah: I can’t believe I just said that.
Amanda: – just plain, I have just plain white bread. Okay.
Sarah: I have plain white bread in my house, and like I said, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law will come and stare at the white bread and the mayonnaise like they’ve never seen such weirdness before in their lives. Not anymore; they don’t come in my house because there’s a, there’s a quarantine.
Amanda: Like, there, there’s something wrong in my house, like, growing up, if we did not have Nature’s Own white bread and mayonnaise. Like, something was wrong. Those were staples.
Sarah: [Laughs] Ooh, we have a message. Maybe someone is telling us not to do this.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: I’m, I, I’m going to listen!
[pop!]
Jellyfishcrown: I’m Team Mayonnaise all the way. I actually eat my fries with mayonnaise?
Amanda: Yes!
Jellyfishcrown: That’s my dipping sauce –
Sarah: Ooh!
Jellyfishcrown: – rather than catsup.
[pop]
Amanda: Yes.
Sarah: Hi, Jellyfishcrown! And yeah, when, when I went to Spain the first time – I was an exchange student twice, one in high school and one in, once in college, and I was not prepared for how much mayonnaise is served with french fries as a normal-ass thing, and it’s really good!
Amanda: Oh yeah!
Sarah: Especially if you swirl it with something really sharp? Wait, we have another message; maybe it’s someone telling us not to do this.
Amanda: Oh my gosh!
[pop!]
Amanda: I’m not going to –
Guest: My sister and I used to eat cheese and mustard sandwiches, and actually it’s pretty good! It’s American cheese.
Sarah: That sounds good!
[pop]
Sarah: Yeah!
Amanda: I used to do cheese, American cheese, mustard, and barbecue potato chips.
Sarah: Wait, American cheese, mustard, and barbecue potato chips inside the sandwich.
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: Wow! That’s a flavor –
Amanda: The reason why –
Sarah: – and texture explosion!
Amanda: Well, the reason why I discovered that sandwich was because it originally had turkey on it, and I bit into it and I’m like, this turkey has gone bad! So I just –
Sarah: Oh no!
Amanda: – took the turkey out and ate the rest of it, and I liked it, but my dad hated that I would eat these sandwiches? He referred to them as my crap sandwiches, because there was nothing –
Sarah: Well, that’s not very nice!
Amanda: – nothing redeeming about that sandwich. [Laughs]
Sarah: Excuse me! There’s an entire-ass vegetable in there; it’s a potato!
Amanda: I guess!
Sarah: [Snorts]
Amanda: All right, Sarah.
Sarah: All right, are we doing this?
Amanda: You can’t prolong it any longer!
Sarah: I can’t. I can’t, I can’t delay? Wait, we have a message! [Laughs]
Amanda: Oh my gosh! I had my mouth open and just poised to take a bite.
Sarah: All right, okay, one more message, and then we’ll eat the sandwich.
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: And be the worst ASMR of everyone’s lives.
[pop!]
Guest: Yes to chips on a sandwich. I feel like –
Sarah: Yes!
Guest: – Amanda and I might have had the same childhood?
[Laughter]
Guest: Because I used to put potato chips, including barbecue chips, Cheetos, whatever, on my sandwich. [Laughs]
[pop]
Amanda: I love a good, I love a good crunch in my sandwich!
Sarah: Right, but it’s a salty crunch! That’s pretty key.
Amanda: Yeah!
Sarah: [Deep breath] All right, are we doing this?
Amanda: Yeah!
Sarah: Adam’s tired of me delaying. He’s getting frustrated with me.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah.
Sarah: All right. All right, so, okay. I’m going to move the microphone away from my mouth because that’s just terrible. We’re going to –
Amanda: I’ve already taken a bite. I’ve already done it.
Sarah: Okay! [Laughs] She’s in the pool! She’s jumped into the deep end! All right, here we go.
Amanda: I’m in it.
It’s fine.
Sarah: Well. I wonder if I didn’t add enough; it’s like tangy peanut butter sandwich.
Amanda: Yeah! I mean –
Sarah: It’s like a peanut butter sandwich with, instead of – you, you hit the peanut butter and you think, oh, the next thing I’m going to taste is jelly and it’s going to be sweet, but you get that pucker of the, of the mayonnaise instead.
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: I sound like a bad, I, I sound like a bad cooking show right now.
Amanda: Yeah, it’s fine! I mean –
Sarah: I mean –
Amanda: – I wouldn’t probably eat it on my own, but.
Sarah: I, I, I wouldn’t be like, what I’m going for right now is peanut butter and mayonnaise. I mean, there are certain times of your cycle where you want weird things in combo? Like, one hand in the salty snacks, one hand in the sweet snacks. I don’t know that I would ever be like, yes, PB and mayo.
Amanda: It was fine! And, like, I have a pretty strong stomach in general, so I was poised. I was ready to just be like, bleah!
Sarah: Here, hang on a second. Here, you want to try it?
Adam or Young Person: No!
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: Do you think I could get anyone in my house to try it?
Amanda: No, I don’t think you can.
Sarah: I don’t think I can either. I don’t even know if I’ll have cell service –
Amanda: Listen –
Sarah: – but I’m going to try!
Amanda: – Adam, Adam made the whole house smell like feet, so this is –
Sarah: Yeah, it’s true. Hey! Do you want to try a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich?
Young Person: All right. No.
Amanda: Yeah!
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: Do it!
Sarah: We think you should do it, and there’s like twenty-one people on the internet who think you should try it too.
Young Person: [Laughs]
Sarah: Come on, you can do it! You don’t need to, you don’t need to play Minecraft; you can eat a peanut butter and mayonnaise! Come on, you know you want to. You know you want to!
Young Person: No, I’d rather log on to –
Sarah: [Laughs] He’d rather log into Zoom class.
Amanda: Ooh.
Sarah: That’s a low bar, too; he hates Zoom class. I mean, I don’t know who, I don’t know anyone who’s like, yes, a whole day of Zoom! With the only exception being that the kids don’t have to wake up early to go to school, and that part’s pretty great.
I’m walking around the house with this sandwich, and let me tell you, the dogs are like, please drop the sandwich.
All right, listen, twenty-four people want you to try the peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich. But Alex already said no, so you have to!
Other Young Person: Do you want me to throw up?
Amanda: Just a bite.
Sarah: No! But just take a little bite!
Amanda: It’s not bad!
Sarah: It’s not bad! It’s like tangy peanut butter.
Other Young Person: No.
Sarah: Are you sure?
Other Young Person: Yes.
Amanda: I just finished it.
Sarah: I’m a terrible parent! My children – you just finished it?
Amanda: Yeah –
Sarah: I’m walking around with half a sandwich and none of my children will eat it, and I’m a terrible parent for not being able to bend them to my will. He’s upstairs eating cheese balls and he won’t try peanut butter and mayonnaise! All right, you sure you don’t want to try it? [Laughs]
All right, so that’s – should I put pickles on my remaining piece of sandwich?
Amanda: I don’t know, Sarah. It took you like a good fifteen minutes to eat this one.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: I’m worried you’re going to put pickles on it and then just leave it for the next day.
Sarah: What, just leave the house?
Amanda: Yep.
Sarah: Hi! Okay, my dogs are following me around like, just, just drop it on the floor, The Lady. It’ll be fine. We’ll have some! All right, I’m going to get a piece of pickle.
Amanda: It was fine!
Sarah: Try a little piece of pickle. I mean, I can understand, I can understand why, why people like, why, why people would eat – it’s not horrible!
Amanda: No. It’s fine.
Sarah: I can’t imagine it being, like, the greatest thing ever, but, you know, it’s not terrible.
Amanda: So, like, you have to think, like, white bread, peanut butter, and mayonnaise are usually pretty cheap at the grocery store, and they’re something –
Sarah: No question.
Amanda: – like pantry staples that people have.
Sarah: Yep!
Amanda: And I feel like anyone who had a poor child or, you know, had like two dollars in their bank account in college knew you had to get, like, creative with what you had. [Laughs] So I feel like this is a relic of that.
Sarah: Maybe! All right, I have two slices of pickle, and I have attempted –
Amanda: All right.
Sarah: – to slide the pieces of pickle, but we do have messages. Should I do pickles or messages?
Amanda: Just do, just rip the Band-Aid off, Sarah. Get the pickles in there –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: – and rip the Band-, rip the pickles off.
Sarah: Rip the pickles off! That’s quite a statement.
Amanda: Rip the pickles off.
Sarah: Okay. All right. I’m, I – well, here’s the problem: I put the pickles in the sandwich, and this is a very viscous sandwich, so they’re kind of sliding around. [Laughs]
Amanda: That’s disgusting.
Sarah: The pickles and the mayonnaise are not good friends. Viscous Sliding Pickles will be the title of my next book. All right – [laughs] – now I’m going to take a bite.
Amanda: Verdict?
Sarah: Amanda, you should try this.
Amanda: I don’t want to make –
Sarah: Okay, you’re going to think I’m –
Amanda: – another sandwich!
Sarah: Well, just get a, do you have pickles? Get a piece of pickle, put some pea-, put some peanut butter and some mayonnaise on it, and take a bite! The bread is just a vehicle sometimes. But I think –
Amanda: Wasn’t, like, pickles and peanut butter like a pregnancy thing too? I feel like I’ve heard that before.
Sarah: Yeah. It was not a pregnancy thing for me. When I was pregnant I wanted Honey Nut Cheerios, well-done flank steak, glazed doughnuts, and that was about it. Glazed doughnuts and Honey Nut Cheerios. That was all I wanted.
All right, I’m going to ponder – I think you should make another piece of sandwich, and I’m going to play some messages. I hope people aren’t like, oh my God, stop chewing in my ear.
[pop!]
Guest: We used to eat cheese and mustard sandwiches, and we dipped our french fries in our chocolate milkshakes.
[pop]
Amanda: Yes!
Sarah: Ohhh yes!
Amanda: I love a, I love a Wendy’s fry in my chocolate Frosty. That was a popular thing –
Sarah: Oh yeah, you get the Wendy’s fry –
Amanda: – that I loved.
Sarah: – and you dip it in the Frosty. I’m reasonably convinced that the Frosty was made to be both a drink and a condiment?
Amanda: Oh yeah.
Sarah: Especially if it was late night drunk food? You were eating the Frosty as a condiment and as a dessert.
Amanda: Oh, definitely! I don’t know if I’ve ever eaten –
Sarah: All right –
Amanda: – that sober.
Sarah: I’ve only eaten Wendy’s and Frosties sober if I’m on a road trip. And you’ve got to hurry up and eat the Frosty –
Amanda: Yup.
Sarah: – ‘cause once it warms up it’s not good. All right, I’m going to keep eating this pickle, peanut butter, and mayo sandwich, and I’m going to play some more messages. Hopefully people aren’t mad at me for chewing in their ears.
[pop!]
Amanda: [Laughs]
Stylins on Birds: Add. The. Pickles!
[pop]
[Laughter]
Sarah: Stylins on Birds, I like you.
Amanda: She did!
Sarah: I did, and I’m trying to convince Amanda to add a pickle.
Amanda: Well, like, I gotta get up –
Sarah: I’m trying to convince Amanda to add a pickle.
Amanda: – and go in the kitchen and be harassed by my cat.
Sarah: These are not strong arguments? The, only the part where Stephanie would be horrified and screaming is the part where I feel like maybe, maybe this steps over the line.
Amanda: What if I don’t have pickles? I thought I had pickles.
Sarah: Are we having –
Amanda: Probably –
Sarah: – an existential pickle debate?
Amanda: I usually have, like, bread and butter pickles, which are sweet.
Sarah: Hmm.
Amanda: Okay, I’m getting up. Be right back.
Sarah: [Laughs] Oh no! Okay!
Amanda: Stephanie, we’re, we’re doing the pickles.
Stephanie: Oh God!
Sarah: [Laughs] I would just like to say that although I started the challenge late, okay, my whole face is puckered from this pickle, mustard, or pickle, mayo, peanut butter.
Amanda: I don’t, I don’t have pickles!
Sarah: I am now finished with my peanut butter, mayo, and pickle sandwich, and –
Amanda: Oh wait! I lied; I do have pickles. They’re just in the very back of my refrigerator.
Sarah: Maybe, maybe you should, maybe you should make a sandwich for Stephanie!
Amanda: No. She wouldn’t.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: She’d give it to Linus, and he’d have –
Sarah: Yeah, don’t waste pickles!
Amanda: – explosive diarrhea all over the house.
Sarah: Yeah, don’t, don’t ever do anything that’s going to give the cat diarrhea; that’s not good.
Amanda: Okay, okay. Mayonnaise –
Sarah: All right, let’s play a message while you construct the sandwich.
[pop!]
Amanda: Okay.
Rbelle: I may have missed this, but it’s very important to know what kind of mayonnaise you’re putting on this sandwich.
[pop]
Sarah: Rbelle! So this is my friend from college, the one who –
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: – leaves the house when the embarrassing scene from Sweet Home Alabama comes on.
Amanda: I use Hell- – I have three different types of mayo – [laughs] – in my fridge – but I’m using Hellman’s.
Sarah: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You have three types of mayo.
Amanda: So I have Hellman’s mayonnaise –
Sarah: Right, right.
Amanda: – I’ve got Miracle Whip, and I have –
Sarah: Right.
Amanda: – the Kewpie mayonnaise.
Sarah: I have Duke’s mayonnaise, which is fabulous, and I believe it was Skippy creamy naturals peanut butter. Do you use Skippy naturals?
Amanda: I have, I have Jif. We were a Jif house.
Sarah: I don’t remember whether we had Jif or Skippy, but I went to a friend’s house once and they used peanut, peanut, Peter Pan peanut butter, and I was like, why do you have Disney peanut butter? That’s not fair.
Amanda: [Laughs] Like, in New England, like, Teddie peanut butter is a thing? And that’s the kind you have to, like, stir before you use it? And that’s just extra work for me, so.
Sarah: That’s a lot of work!
Amanda: [Laughs] Not on board with that.
Sarah: That’s a lot of work! I mean, I’ve seen little devices where it’s like a screw-top lid with a little churn mechanism that’s through the middle of it, and you, like, turn the little handle, and I’m like, that’s messy, and it’s going to get everywhere. All right, while you’re assembling –
Amanda: Yep
Sarah: – I have more messages.
Amanda: Okay.
[pop!]
Guest: I like that Sarah managed to bully Amanda, but not her children, into eating the pickle sandwich.
[pop]
Amanda: [Laughs] I –
Sarah: Yes.
Amanda: I think we’ve talked about this before. I have no willpower, first of all –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: – and I will cave to peer pressure the second someone else is like, yeah, no, you should totally do that! So, like, I could have five people –
Sarah: But see –
Amanda: – say no, please don’t do that, but if one person is encouraging, that all I need. [Laughs]
Sarah: See, I think you’re kind of a badass, because you’re also pretty fearless, and you’ll be like, well, fuck it, I’m doing it.
Amanda: I’ll eat the dang pickles. Okay, thank God, these pickles haven’t expired. I was worried.
Sarah: [Laughs] They’re in vinegar! How do they expire? Unless something’s growing on them –
Amanda: Well, it says use by –
Sarah: – with all that vinegar.
Amanda: – May 1st, 2021, so we’re good.
Sarah: Well, you’re definitely in, you’re in the safe zone. But I think I remember seeing that a lot of the use by and sell by is utter horsecrap, except for cold cuts: do not eat expired cold cuts; they will actually kill you.
Amanda: I love pickles so much. Sorry, I’m just eating pickles now.
Sarah: [Laughs] See, this whole challenge, this pressure from me, I feel a little guilty now that my pressure has been pointed out, but you’re right, I did pressure Amanda eating, into eating pickles, mayonnaise, and peanut butter. But this, this means that you get to enjoy pickles, and you deserve to enjoy things!
Amanda: I love pickles. I would eat, like, pickles, I would put pickles in a bowl, eat the pickles –
Sarah: Yeah? Yeah?
Amanda: – and then drink the juice after.
Sarah: Oh, hell yeah!
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: All right, you want to play a message or you want to eat a sandwich?
Amanda: I’m going to eat. I’m going to eat half so I get a full pickle in there.
Sarah: Okay. Okay. So these are bread and butter pickles with peanut butter and mayonnaise on white bread.
Amanda: Mm-hmm!
It’s fine. I mean –
Sarah: I thought it was an improvement over the mayo/peanut butter alone!
Amanda: I think I like it better without.
Sarah: Really! See, I thought this added –
Amanda: Listen –
Sarah: – an entirely different taste!
Amanda: It does, but it makes it too wet.
Sarah: [Laughs] It’s true. The, the peanut butter stands up to the pickle, but the mayo and the pickle are like, whoa, we don’t what to do with ourselves here. It gets very watery.
Amanda: It’s too wet –
Sarah: It’s, it’s, it –
Amanda: – sandwich.
Sarah: And the, the pickles start to migrate through the viscosity of the mayonnaise.
Amanda: Stephanie? Before I go in my room, care to partake?
Stephanie: No!
Amanda: Okay!
[Laughter]
Amanda: Stephanie said no! She does not care to partake. So.
Sarah: I don’t understand why! [Laughs] All right, here we go.
[pop!]
Guest: In the South, only Duke’s and Hellman’s are going to count as actual mayonnaise.
[pop]
Sarah: Okay! I mean –
Amanda: Hellman’s, yes.
Sarah: – true facts! True facts.
Amanda: I usually buy the biggest jar of Hellman’s I can get. That’s usually, like, my go-to mayonnaise. If I want to be a little –
Sarah: Condiment?
Amanda: Yes. When I want to feel a little fancier, that’s when I’ll use other, other ones.
Sarah: [Laughs] So do you have access to a wholesale club where you could buy like a five-pound jar of Hellman’s?
Amanda: I mean, there’s one around, but I don’t have a card.
Sarah: ‘Cause I could, I could go and then box up and ship you a Costco size thing of Hellman’s.
Amanda: I’d be down.
Sarah: I might have to pad the jar with books, though. Instead of books with candy, I would use the books to pad the jar of mayonnaise so that it arrives safely.
Amanda: I honestly don’t think that would be the weirdest thing you’ve sent me in the mail.
Sarah: No, it would definitely not, definitely not be the weirdest thing I’ve ever sent you.
Amanda: That, that goes to a loose baggy of carrot cake Oreos, I feel like. [Laughs]
Sarah: Well, you know, I couldn’t put the whole package in there, and you wanted to try them, and I didn’t want to send too many if you didn’t like them; then you’d just have these Oreos staring at you sadly. So you know, couple of Oreos. And I did send you two loose murder cookies.
Amanda: That’s true! With murder cookies written on the baggy. [Laughs]
Sarah: Yes! In giant – I notice, I hope you noticed that I used the big-ass Sharpie so that it would look kind of creepy.
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: All right, message:
[pop!]
Guest: Creamy Jif peanut butter, all the way, always, my entire life from childhood on.
[pop]
Sarah: People are really into specific peanut butter brands, and they don’t deviate from them!
Amanda: Like, but, yeah, why would you? [Laughs] But, like, I remember the tag line was like, Moms like you choose Jif.
Sarah: Choosy moms choose Jif. Yep.
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: I am neither a –
Amanda: Yeah!
Sarah: – choosy mom nor a, a, a, very concerned about the peanut butter consumption in my house, but I think we have whatever was available from the grocery store pickup this week? [Laughs]
Amanda: So my, my concern with the sandwich I just ate –
Sarah: Yes?
Amanda: – the pickles, is that, like –
Sarah: Yes?
Amanda: – I say it’s fine, but eating it will have –
Sarah: Right.
Amanda: – somehow changed my, like, biological makeup in that, like, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and, like, that’s the only thing I will eat from now on. Like, it’s –
Sarah: [Laughs] It’s changed you on a, on a molecular level?
Amanda: I’m like the –
Sarah: Your fuel is only pickles, mayo, and PB sandwiches?
Amanda: I’m like the alien from Men in Black –
Sarah: The PMPB?
Amanda: Yeah – the alien from Men in Black –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: – who comes down, puts on the human suit, and just wants sugar water. That’s me now, with, like, pickles, mayonnaise, and peanut butter. Like, that’s it.
Sarah: Amanda, what are you having for dinner tonight, Amanda? What are you going to eat for dinner tonight? The PMPB.
Amanda: Excuse me, what?!
[Laughter]
Sarah: But see, you could set this up as, like, a food truck, and people would come and wait in line for your PMPB sandwiches.
Amanda: I – that’s doubtful. [Laughs]
Sarah: If your stide hustle, side hustle needed a side hustle, you could do that.
Amanda: Oh God. Can we just burn the phrase side hustle?
Sarah: Oh, yes, and grind.
Amanda: Oh God.
Sarah: And productivity.
Amanda: Ugh. Ugh!
Sarah: Yes.
Amanda: Now that’s, that’s gross.
Sarah: [Laughs] All right, let’s play this message, and then I have a question for you.
[pop!]
Amanda: Okay.
Guest: I swear I can smell pickles now.
[pop]
[Laughter]
Sarah: I just want to thank everyone for, for tuning in to listen to us eat sandwiches? I’m really honored that you’re hanging out with us to listen to us explore peanut butter, mayonnaise, and pickles.
Amanda: I want to go back and just get my dang jar of pickles now!
Sarah: Well, what’s stopping you?
Amanda: I don’t need to just eat pickles at eight o’clock at night. [Laughs]
Sarah: But, but, but why not?
Amanda: ‘Cause I have a feeling that will –
Sarah: It’s not like you’re snorting pixie sticks.
Amanda: Yeah, but it, I don’t think it’ll make me feel good at, like, ten. You know what I mean? [Laughs] As an adult –
Sarah: True.
Amanda: – you really have to weigh, is the pain I will experience later worth eating this now? [Laughs]
Sarah: Oh, oh. Oh, oh yes. Aging is that, and also, how did I get here and why does my back hurt?
Amanda: Also, like, heartburn? Like, that’s how you know you’re an adult –
Sarah: Oh!
Amanda: – is when you get heartburn. You’re like, oh God!
Sarah: Ohhh!
Amanda: Like, nachos, I –
Sarah: Ohhh!
Amanda: – nachos are my favorite food, but sometimes some of them give me heartburn, and then I think, the ones we love hurt us the most, and it makes sense. [Laughs]
Sarah: Oh! Believe me, today is National Margarita Day, and I, in fact, had a margarita with my dinner, and I know that I’m going to have heartburn later, and I have told myself –
Amanda: Yep.
Sarah: – it’s worth it. You know, both of my kids had heartburn, had acid reflux as infants, and I used to have to give them, like, baby Pepcid in a syringe –
Amanda: Ooh!
Sarah: – because they would just scream, and they would get this really sweet, sort of thick antacid, and it would coat their, coat their throats? And especially my older son, when he was a baby, once he got the baby Pepcid he would just pass right out from relief and sleep for hours. So my kids have had heartburn since they were frigging born. I’m like the worst parent ever. And I’m walking around offering them a mayo and peanut butter sandwich.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Here you go, kid, try this!
Amanda: It’s fine. It’s fine in moderation. [Laughs]
Sarah: I interrupt myself to tell you that if you are enjoying this episode, you are so invited to our next podcast after-party, Tuesdays, 7:30 p.m. Eastern, on Stereo. You can listen to us live; you can leave messages; chance of mayonnaise seventy-two percent. All you need to do is download the free Stereo app at stereo.com/smartbitches. You can connect with us when we’re live. Go to stereo.com/smartbitches to get started so you can join us Tuesdays at 7:30 p.m. Eastern. And now, back to the mayonnaise.
But my understanding was the person who recommended this said that this was like the greatest possible sandwich you could have. Now, I’m not sure it’s up there!
Amanda: No, I think the story that they said was they went to school with someone who would bring that for lunch every day.
Sarah: Yes, and said it was the shit; like, it was absolutely fabulous.
Amanda: I mean, I’m assuming this person, when they were eating this sandwich, was younger. And listen, we all do weird shit in the kitchen as children and think it’s the greatest thing we’ve ever made and done, and it’s the best food discovery on the planet. But it’s not. So –
Sarah: This is, this is true.
Amanda: – I don’t begrudge this person –
Sarah: No!
Amanda: – their – [laughs] – opinion –
Sarah: No!
Amanda: – that at one point –
Sarah: But I can say that was probably really good eating.
Amanda: Yeah, of course!
Sarah: So did you go get your jar of pickles? I hope you went and got your jar of pickles.
Amanda: No, I didn’t get my jar of pickles. I, I have a box of Girl Scout cookies on my desk, should I get hungry. [Laughs]
Sarah: Ooh! Which, which ones do you have?
Amanda: So I ate, so I bought, I think I bought like six boxes of cookies this year. I already ate the S’mores sandwich cookies, and so then I opened up the toffee ones. So they’re like a butter cookie with toffee bits inside, and I ate –
Sarah: Oh!
Amanda: – half the box in one sitting! So it’s great!
Sarah: Well, I mean, that’s how, that’s, that’s the portion size of a Girl Scout cookie: half the box.
Amanda: Or like a sleeve –
Sarah: Unless it’s the Samoas, where you only get like eight individually bubble-wrapped cookies in like nine miles of packaging, and then the whole box is a serving.
Amanda: Those are my favorite, so I bought three boxes of those, and I’m trying to just savor them and save them as long as possible.
Sarah: You are the one who I spoke to about, ages ago, about the lemon cookies that are only available in the South, right?
Amanda: Yes! Yes! And you’ve mailed me some.
Sarah: It was like a lemon shortbread? Yeah, ‘cause my, my, my in-laws are in Virginia and they can get them from all of the local Girl Scouts.
Amanda: From, with powdered sugar they’re called Savannah Smiles. They’re like a powdered –
Sarah: Yes!
Amanda: – lemon tea cookie. They’re just so dang good, and it makes me so mad: I was a Girl Scout, but it was just, somehow they have two different bakeries, and you can only get –
Sarah: Yep.
Amanda: – certain kinds of cookies through those bakeries and where they distribute geographically. It makes me –
Sarah: Unacceptable.
Amanda: – mad. I was like, I want to buy every cookie! Just let me buy every cookie from one place, please!
Sarah: Well, now you can order online and get them everywhere.
Amanda: I know, and have them shipped, which is what I did. [Laughs]
Sarah: Good for you!
Amanda: Thank you!
Sarah: I have some sleeves of Thin Mints in my freezer, and every so often they get buried by something, and then I’ll be cleaning out the freezer and be like – [gasps] – Past Sarah left me a gift!
Amanda: I think Thin Mints are overrated.
Sarah: I love them.
Amanda: They’re okay!
Sarah: I love them so much. I love Samoas. I love Thin Mints. I also really like Tagalongs.
Amanda: Yeah, those are also delicious.
Sarah: Oh yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever had the toffee ones, and I’ve never had, what was the first one you were talking about?
Amanda: The – so there’s two different s’mores ones. There’s one that’s like –
Sarah: Right. Never had those either.
Amanda: – a chocolate-covered graham cracker, which is fine, but then the other kind –
Sarah: Eh.
Amanda: – is like a sandwich cookie with, like, graham cookie and, like, you know, chocolate and marshmallow cream on the inside, and those are my preferred ones!
Sarah: Yeah, you can dip a graham cracker in chocolate on your own. We’re getting a lot of messages. I think people have strong feelings about sandwiches and Girl Scout cookies.
Amanda: [Laughs]
[pop!]
Guest: I like Simply Jif: it’s low in sugar, and I can still eat it. Usually I can’t have sugar, but this is no problem for me.
[pop]
Sarah: Mmm, Jif.
Amanda: Jif has, like, I think they also have, like, a honey and peanut butter one that I really like –
Sarah: Yes.
Amanda: – so maybe – yeah. I really like that one.
Sarah: Yeah.
[pop!]
Guest: Can make your own lemon shortbread. It’s very delicious and super easy.
[pop]
Sarah: [Gasps]
Amanda: But I’m really lazy!
Sarah: – do you have a recipe? But you’re a good baker, though!
Amanda: I know, but sometimes I’m just lazy, and I just want to unhinge my jaw and eat all of the cookies –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: – without having to make anything. Also –
Sarah: I just want to unhinge my jaw!
[Laughter]
Amanda: Also, one of our reviewers on staff, Shana, has a ton of lemons. So this is –
Sarah: Oh yeah, her lemon, her lemon, her lemon tree got damaged in a storm, and so they had to harvest all the lemons. I think she made like five pounds of lemon curd!
Amanda: And all of us are like, please mail it! We will pay for shipping. Send us the lemon curd. [Laughs]
Sarah: Yeah, just send us the curd, please. All right.
[pop!]
Stylins on Birds: I bought Girl Scout cookies, but one box specifically so I can trade them for Chromatica Oreos, which I know we’ve talked about, but I literally have never seen them. They cannot be found in my state. Why?
[pop]
Amanda: We’ve talked about the Chromatica Oreos on Twitch, I think, before.
Sarah: Which ones are the Chromatica ones? Are those the Lady Gaga Oreos?
Amanda: Yes! There, there’s nothing different about them, I don’t think, flavor-wise? They’re just a different color.
Sarah: So your poop’s a weird color. Okay.
Amanda: But I think my, one of my friends was able to get them. She lives out in Monterey, California.
Sarah: Ah!
Amanda: Yeah, I don’t know, like, where they’re available and where they aren’t. I mean, please, Stylins on Birds, report back once you do your cookie trade and let us, let us know how they were! If you, if you plan to eat them.
Sarah: We have, I have many strong opinions on, on, on Oreos, because we have, we have tried many, many different flavors –
Amanda: Yes.
Sarah: – of Oreos during the Quarantimes, because if you’re only going to leave the house once a week to go to the grocery store and they keep adding more flavors of Oreos, I mean, what other opportunity is there to do a serious tasting and testing of various Oreo flavors?
Amanda: I’m trying to think; like, you like the peanut butter ones, or your, your household –
Sarah: I like the –
Amanda: – likes the peanut butter ones.
Sarah: In my household, the favorites are thin mint Oreos, the mint Oreos, but the thin ones –
Amanda: Yes.
Sarah: – but not the Peanut Butter Oreos. The Peanut Butter Pie Oreos, and the difference is weird. The Peanut Butter Pie Oreos have a peanut butter cookie, and then the creme filling is chocolate and peanut butter, whereas the Peanut Butter Oreos are regular chocolate Oreo cookies with a peanut butter filling, and you would think that these would taste the same, but they do not. The Peanut Butter Pie is much better; it is not super, super cloyingly sweet. But far and away my favorite and the household favorite, with the exception of my husband, is the Lemon Oreo. The Lemon Oreo is perfection.
Amanda: I’m, I’m just like a traditional, like, Double Stuf sort of person. I need Double Stuf and a glass of, like, ice-cold milk, and that’s it. And I don’t usually feel the need to venture out, though my roommate does like Birthday Cake Oreos.
Sarah: I’ve never seen those. I know you’ve told me that she likes them, and I’m like, oh, I’ll try those! Haven’t seen them yet!
Amanda: Weird! They’ve been around for a long, for several years now!
Sarah: I will say that the grocery store must know us, because the Oreo section gets bigger.
Amanda: [Laughs] Maybe someday.
Sarah: Like, there’s – someday we’ll get the Birthday Cake ones. All right.
[pop!]
Guest: You can dip your Toffee-tastic cookies in coffee, and it is amazing.
[pop]
Sarah: [Gasps]
Amanda: Ooh, I do love coffee. And I do love dunking things in other things. So.
Sarah: [Laughs] Sometimes you just want to unhinge your jaw and dunk the things in other things, and that’s what you want!
Amanda: Well, like – one of my friends and I had a conversation about, like, you know, when it comes to fries, do you, like, dunk it in anything? Are you a dunker? Or are you just, like, all plain? And if there’s a sauce or something that I can dip my food into, I’m usually on board.
Sarah: I like honey mustard with sweet potato fries, but for regular fries, if they’re good and crispy and salty, they don’t necessarily need catsup? Catsup is fine, but I’m more of-, more likely to eat regular fries, if they’re good and salty and have the good crispy outside, I’ll just eat them on their own.
Amanda: I’m not, like, a big catsup person. Like, I could do without catsup.
Sarah: Which is interesting, ‘cause you like, you like pickles!
Amanda: I do love pickles! And catsup is fine; like, it’s not like I have a problem with catsup. [Laughs] Like catsup and I have a, a beef or anything.
Sarah: [Laughs] Tell, tell me about your history with catsup. It seems like you have some tension there.
Amanda: It’s just fine! It’s fine.
Sarah: It’s there.
Amanda: There are better condiments. I.e., mayonnaise.
Sarah: Mayonnaise! Yeah. The, catsup was my first indication that my older child had a very sensitive palate, because he once told me that he thought catsup was too spicy. And I was like, oh, that tells me a lot about why you don’t like a lot of foods.
Amanda: Interesting.
Sarah: But for many years, he’s eaten foods that are beige.
Amanda: I mean, I don’t like spicy things, and, for example, the burgers that my roommate and I got yesterday, I got, like, a barbecue burger, and she got, like, a ghost pepper burger, so it had, like, this –
Sarah: Oof!
Amanda: – spicy sauce and, like, pepper jack, and I thought –
Sarah: Oof!
Amanda: – mine was hers, so I picked up a fry that had some of the ghost pepper sauce on it –
Sarah: Oh no.
Amanda: – and I immediately realized I made a mistake.
Sarah: Oh my gosh!
Amanda: I’m like, oof! So I go to her –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: – and I said, Stephanie, I’m pretty sure this one’s yours, because my mouth is on fire. I was like, I’m willing to bet you’re going to take a bite of it and think I’m a crazy person because it’s not at all spicy to you. And sure enough, she took a bite of it; she’s like, what are you talking about? This isn’t even spicy. I was like –
Sarah: And meanwhile your sinuses are still clear.
Amanda: Yeah! There’s just, I don’t do well with spicy food. I wish I could, and I don’t want to, like, build up a tolerance either. That’s not my kind of thing.
Sarah: Oh.
Amanda: It’s fine.
[pop!]
Guest: I just googled it, and it said in my area you can go to Target to get the Chromatica Oreos, but you might want to just, you know, look it up.
[pop]
Amanda: Stylins, maybe Target! Or I feel like maybe, like, a CVS too might have – like, some places that you wouldn’t normally think of, like things that have other items besides grocery items.
Sarah: Yeah, like CVS, Walgreens, Target. Even a really well-stocked, like, 7-Eleven or convenience store might have them.
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeahyeahyeah.
Amanda: We’re, we’re dedicated to helping you get these Oreos!
Sarah: Yeah, we, we are, we are – I mean, as much as I’m not leaving my house right now, I am into this quest. I, I’m, I think this is a very good Quarantimes side quest.
Amanda: Could you buy them online?
Sarah: Imagine the shipping. My goodness. You’d need to add other things to that order.
Amanda: I mean, yeah, like, may-, maybe Amazon has something? But I wouldn’t be surprised if, like, third party sellers bought them all and, like –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: – have price-gouged the heck out of these Lady Gaga Oreos!
Sarah: Oh, Lady Gaga Oreos and N95 masks at ninety-five percent markup. Yeah! Absolutely.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: I’m sorry, you wanted hand sanitizer? That’s a hundred ten percent markup. Ha-ha!
Amanda: God, can you imagine? It’s like, would you like a complimentary pack of Chromatica Oreos with your purchase of an N95 mask today? [Laughs]
Sarah: Yes. Yes, I would.
Amanda: Sure, yeah!
Sarah: All those –
Amanda: Throw it in there.
Sarah: – neon pink Oreo crumbs as I breathe in my mask? Hell yeah!
Amanda: Oh boy!
Sarah: Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom! All right.
[pop!]
Guest: So my office loves to try various Oreo flavors, and most of them, like, they’re fine; they’re not really very good or very bad.
Sarah: Yep.
Guest: A few years ago we had Fruit Punch Oreos, and those were an abomination. Also, now that I know that there’s these lemon shortbread Girl Scout cookies, I have to go to the website and see if I can get them, since I already have my twenty, my annual twenty dollars’ worth of Thin Mints.
[pop]
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: I’m sorry, Fruit Punch Oreos? That is a crime against nature! My, my, my older child, before we, before we started self-quarantining, we went to CVS, and he picked up a giant bag of Dum Dum lollipops, including a Hawaiian Punch flavor, and he says they are the most foul things.
Amanda: Interesting. I mean –
Sarah: Would you like me to send you one to try? I know you’re a big fan of the Dum Dums.
Amanda: Yes. Yeah.
Sarah: All right, I will send you some.
Amanda: But that, to me, makes more sense as, like, a lollipop than a cookie.
Sarah: Oh, totally! Hawaiian Punch was my favorite thing when I was a kid. In the summer it was like, this is summer; I have a Hawaiian Punch.
Amanda: I, we were a Capri Sun household. And then, like –
Sarah: Oooh!
Amanda: – as you get older, you’re like, there’s, like, a thimble-sized amount of juice in this thing. Like –
Sarah: Yeah! Like, one good slurp and it’s gone? Pfff.
Amanda: Yeah – [laughs]. That’s it! That’s all you get.
Sarah: That’s like the Coke inside a Happy Meal. Like, who hydrates with this?
Amanda: Nobody!
Sarah: Except little kids can’t even finish it, and you’re like, what?!
Amanda: [Laughs] I know! It’s like, oh boy.
[pop!]
Amanda: But yes, the –
Guest: Hey, Amanda! I just wanted to echo your sentiments on catsup: if we lived in a world where mayo was available at every venue, I mean, for sandwiches, hot dogs, hamburgers, dipping fries in, I’d be fine in a world without catsup.
[pop]
Amanda: Yeah! Yeah.
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: Catsup is unnecessary.
Sarah: I apologize for cutting you off.
Amanda: No, it’s fine! To the person who wanted the, the lemon cookies, they’re called Savannah Smiles, because Girl Scouts, Jul-, I think Juliette Low is the founder of the Girl Scouts –
Sarah: Yeah, I think so.
Amanda: She lived in Savannah, Georgia! So there’s a little fun fact for you!
Sarah: They look really good. And I didn’t realize –
Amanda: They are!
Sarah: – I didn’t realize that there were, there were regional Girl Scout cookies until I, so I went, I grew up in Pittsburgh and I went to a women’s college in South Carolina, which is why all my college friends who call in or leave messages have these lovely Southern accents?
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: Then somebody’s, one of my professor’s kids must have been selling the Girl Scout cookies, so they put the, they put the cookie sign up outside their office, and then they had to keep taping pieces of paper to the bottom because it, like, ran off the side of the form. But I had no idea what, like, three of those cookies were, and I was, I was shocked at – and I was a Girl Scout! Like, I was all the way up into Cadettes and had that ugly blue polyester uniform!
Amanda: [Laughs] No! So there’s, like, the two bakeries are, I think, like, Little Brownie Bakers and, like –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: – ABC Bakers. And it just makes me so sad that there’s not, like, a uniform cookie assortment that everyone has access to.
Sarah: And even then, the cookies that they make are slightly different. Like, the Thin Mints are different from each one, and the Samoas, I think, are different, a little bit different in each one. But –
Amanda: And they have different names.
Sarah: Now, that’s just not necessary!
Amanda: It’s not!
Sarah: Let’s just, let’s just, let’s just order them all online according to the names we like best. We’re in charge now.
Amanda: Yeah! That’ll work for me.
Sarah: Yeah! I have a slight change of subject. We might get more food messages –
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: – but I have a slight change of subject, because I mentioned earlier that I wanted to ask you, based – so this week I subscribed to Anne Helen Petersen’s “Culture Study” newsletter, and if you’re a paid subscriber you get different forums a couple of times a week, and last week’s was a thread about “tell me about your weirdest neighbor that you’ve ever had.” And I was like, oh, this, this – I think it was Friday. I had the best time reading this thread. I could have read it for hours and hours. So of course we’re getting a whole bunch of messages now with strong opinions about Girl Scout cookies, but after the messages I want to hear about your strange neighbors.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: Let’s see here.
[pop!]
Guest: Does anyone have any strong opinions on whether or not to refrigerate Oreos? I won’t eat them without having them been refrigerated first. I just, I cannot stand them when they’re not cold. I like ‘em to be like, well, hard basically. [Laughs]
[pop]
Sarah: Oh!
Amanda: Not, not me! That’s a first for me, I feel like, is hearing about people preferring to refrigerate their Oreos. I always keep mine in the pantry because I, I cannot eat them without milk. And it’s not –
Sarah: Which, and, by the way, you are lactose-intolerant, yes?
Amanda: I don’t, I cannot drink whole milk without my tummy hurting. So –
[Laughter]
Amanda: – I will only use whole milk for Oreos, because, like, ice-cold almond milk is not the same as ice-cold whole milk. It’s just not.
Sarah: No!
Amanda: But I think I get, like, the coldness from the milk, so it’s not an issue.
Sarah: [Laughs] I have never thought about putting my Oreos in the fridge, but I get it, because I like keeping my Thin Mints and some, like, chocolate chip cookies in the fridge, and yeah, I mean, I get it. Especially the, the filling, ‘cause the filling, I think, is a shortening-based filling; it’s going to get really, really firm and very cold in the fridge.
Amanda: I put, if I ever buy Little Debbies, I put them in the freezer. I love –
Sarah: Oh, hell yeah!
Amanda: – like, a frozen Swiss cake roll. That’s one of my favorite things.
Sarah: Oh! And candy bars. Frozen candy bars when it’s hot as hell and you have to crack ‘em with a hammer?
Amanda: I don’t know about that.
Sarah: Mm. Oh –
Amanda: That’s a –
Sarah: – a frozen Snickers bar –
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: – a frozen Snickers bar where you hit it with a hammer until it cracks, ‘cause the caramel has to be super frozen solid and then it’ll shatter? And then you eat the pieces, and it slowly melts. Oh, it’s so good. Especially when it’s hot. Yeah!
Amanda: – feel like taking a fucking hammer –
Sarah: Yeah, it’s part of the fun!
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: No, no, no, I take it out to the garage or outside and hope the neighborhood kids don’t see me whacking this, killing this candy bar with, you know, heartless abandon.
All right.
[pop!]
Guest: So it looks like the Savannah Smiles were discontinued, which is very disappointing.
[pop]
Amanda and Sarah: [Gasp]
Sarah: Nooo!
Amanda: I had no idea. That makes me sad.
Sarah: Is unacceptable.
Amanda: You’ve just ruined my night!
Sarah: Oh. My. Gosh. Savannah Smiles Girl Scout cookies – oh my God, Amanda, they were ex-, they were, they, they were retired in 2019!
Amanda: God dang it! And the other lemon cookies are not the same.
Sarah: There are many, many recipes though. No, there are, there are other recipes though. Copycat Savannah Smiles, sugar-dusted lemon cookies, Savannah Smiles lemon shortbread, and then also Meyer lemon meltaways, which seems like – yeah, that seems like a copycat, Meyer lemon meltaways. They’re, these are the ones that are coated with, with powdered sugar, right?
Amanda: Yes.
Sarah: Yeah, you can make a copycat, but that might be the only, the only way to get them. Oh, how terrible! What a terrible decision, Girl Scouts! I like everything else that you do, but not this.
Amanda: Damn it!
Sarah: Damn it, Girl Scouts!
Amanda: Damn it!
Sarah: Okay. So please tell me about your weirdest neighbor.
Amanda: I feel like we were the weird neighbors, like, growing up.
Sarah: I was wondering if you were going to say that.
Amanda: [Laughs] I feel like we were the weird neighbors. So it’s hard for me to think about, like, a weird neighbor story, but I did mention to Sarah, there was this – so the apartment that I lived in before the one I’m in now –
Sarah: Right.
Amanda: – I lived upstairs, and downstairs were three men roommates, so it was three guys who lived downstairs.
Sarah: M-kay.
Amanda: And my bedroom upstairs, the windows faced out onto, like, the sidewalk, so they were, like, a front-facing window. And I remember it was, like, the summertime. So this is New England, so no one has central AC, so the windows are open, and I hear this couple’s quarrel on the sidewalk –
Sarah: Uh-oh.
Amanda: – and the girl is, like, yelling, you know, you just left me there! How could you just leave me there?! And I’m like, what the fuck is this? So months go by. We’re looking to move out, and we’re moving into the downstairs apartment. And so we were talking to one of the guys downstairs, and I brought up the fight that I had overheard like six months prior.
Sarah: Seems like a safe amount of time to wait to ask about that, right?
Amanda: I mean, like, we didn’t interact really anytime before that, so I was like, now’s my chance!
Sarah: Okay!
Amanda: Like –
[Laughter]
Amanda: So, turns out one of the other roommates – I can’t remember his name – but what, what had happened was, he had gone out to a bar with his girlfriend, and, you know, sometimes it happens when we’re all drinking, he had to poop!
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: And I guess the bar was close enough to the apartment that he’s like, I’m just going to dip out real quick, go, go poop in my own apartment, and then come back. So he came home to poop and was so drunk that he just, like, passed out and forgot about his girlfriend that he left at the bar.
Sarah: [Still laughing] Oh no!
Amanda: So eventually –
Sarah: Oh no!
Amanda: – eventually she realized, I don’t know how long, that he was not coming back to the bar, and so came back to the apartment, and that’s when the argument started, which I then heard.
Sarah: Oh.
Amanda: So.
Sarah: Were you, were you cry-laughing when the neigh-, when the, when the neighbor told you this?
Amanda: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: And I’m, I am a nosy bitch. I am that, like, person who, like, I will be glued to my front window if I see, like, lights flashing outside or whatever. I am that nosy neighbor. But that certainly was not the backstory for the fight that I had ever envisioned.
Sarah: Oh my God.
Amanda: But, like, I’ve had, like, interesting neighbors. Like, I had a, when I lived in, like, rural north Florida, one of my neighbors was a Chihuahua breeder? So that was something. Yeah, I don’t know if we’ve ever had, like, super bizarre neighbors. We were probably the bizarre neighbors.
Sarah: Did you hear what they got now? They had a pudding wrestling match, and then they got a goat! And there’s an iguana in the bathtub!
Amanda: I mean, the goats and the pudding happened at the same time. The iguana was a separate –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: I mean, my dad has another iguana now, and my dad doesn’t know how to use Facebook – [laughs] – so he wanted to show me photos of the iguana, but thought he was messaging them to me on Facebook, but was really just posting them to my timeline? So, like, all my Facebook timeline is just, like, four or five random photos of an iguana that my dad posted on my Facebook –
Sarah: [Still laughing]
Amanda: – directly onto my profile. I was like, okay, Dad, thanks!
[Laughter]
Sarah: Oh my God, I’m crying! All right, I’m going to play a message and get a tissue. [Sniffs, laughs]
Amanda: Okay.
[pop!]
Guest: So basically, Sarah, you’re the weird neighbor, because you’re the one outside hammering a Snickers bar?
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: That, that tracks, yep.
Sarah: There is no doubt that on my street I am the weird neighbor, because I’m the one with the weird job who gets mail addressed to the word Bitches, and I live near the Mormon temple, and I have a lot of Mormon neighbors, and as you know, Mormons do not curse. Like, instead of saying “oh my gosh” – they never say “oh my God” – instead of saying “oh my gosh,” they say, “oh my heck.”
Amanda: Oh my heck!
Sarah: There’s no cursing, and so, like, when my one neighbor got a piece of mail addressed to me at the business in her mailbox, and she came over and was like – [frail voice] – I think this belongs to you? Like, all up- –
Amanda: Ohhh!
Sarah: I was so, I felt so terrible. And then I got her hooked on RaeAnne Thayne novels, and now she thinks I’m the greatest neighbor in the world ‘cause I give her books, and she just goes to get the mail and there’s books in there.
Amanda: Aw!
Sarah: That’s the good side of having me as a neighbor. The bad side is that yes, I will be in the driveway hunched over like Gollum cracking open a frozen Snickers bar with an old hammer and hissing at people to get away from my precious candy. I mean, I won’t lie.
Amanda: I hope you put something down and you’re not just doing it on, like, the bare ground here. [Laughs]
Sarah: No, I would definitely put down some kind of a drop cloth or a, like a plate or something, like a metal plate or something so I wouldn’t be –
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: – just hammering on the –
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: – hammering, hammering where the squirrels party. No, that’s not going to happen.
All right.
[pop!]
Guest: I had a neighbor that I called Umbridge because she used to leave notices up around the apartment building from a homeowner’s association that she invented so that she could make up rules for the other people living in the apartment complex.
[pop]
Amanda: Ooh, that would be the worst!
Sarah: [Gasps]
Amanda: That would be the worst!
Sarah: Oh, anyone who designs their own task force is a force of, of demonic energy. Oh my God.
Amanda: And I just don’t like people who are like, this is how things should be! Oh. That would be bad.
Sarah: Yeah, you don’t know my life! That’s bad.
Amanda: That’s bad.
Sarah: Oh, that’s way bad. This was a very eventful hour.
Amanda: It was! We ate sandwiches.
Sarah: And pickles.
Amanda: And pickles. We talked about –
Sarah: We covered cookies –
Amanda: – cookies.
Sarah: – and weird neighbors!
Amanda: Weird neighbors, which, you know, I, I’m willing to bet that I am someone’s weird neighbor, and they probably, like, told a story about my parents or me or, like, I am the person having stories told about – [laughs] – I’m pretty sure!
Sarah: Amanda, I’m pretty sure you’re Stephanie’s weird neighbor.
Amanda: I mean, probably.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: I mean, at one point I covered her bedroom in Carolina Panthers Super Bowl napkins.
Sarah: [Laughs more] Why?
Amanda: ‘Cause she hates the Carolina Panthers.
Sarah: [Laughs more]
Amanda: And, like, her uncle is obsessed with them ‘cause he lives in North Carolina. So she went home for the holidays, and I bought a bunch of Carolina Panthers napkins and covered her walls in them while she was gone.
I also like scaring her. So there’s one time, like, the closet would face her bed, so I put two little red glow sticks in her closet to make it look like two, two eyes?
[Laughter]
Amanda: Stephan-, Stephanie heard me talking about the Panthers wall, so she just sent me a photo – I’ll send it, I’ll send it to you.
Sarah: [Laughs] That’s amazing!
[music]
Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. I have questions. How many mayonnaises are in your fridges? What peanut butter brand reigns supreme, and what Girl Scout cookies, regional or national, are the very greatest ones? Please – or if you have a funny neighbor story, we want to hear that too.
You can email us at [email protected], or you could join us Tuesday nights, 7:30 p.m. Eastern, on Stereo! It’s our podcast after-party of food and mayhem. Just go to stereo.com/smartbitches so you can join an episode like this one. Leave us live messages; we interact with you; we laugh; we get silly. It’s tremendous fun. It’s a very goofy hour, and I would love for you to be part of it, so join us on Tuesday nights at 7:30 Eastern on Stereo. Just download the free app at stereo.com/smartbitches and you can connect with us live and tell us about Girl Scout cookies, ‘cause that’s a topic that I will never get tired of.
Plus, check the show notes for pictures of the incredible Carolina Panthers-decorated room and of our sandwiches, if you’re curious.
Now, I want to say thank you. Rating and reviewing the show wherever, however you listen helps us grow and helps other people find the goofy food and books content that they want in their podcasts. If you have taken the time to rate and review Smart Podcast, Trashy Books, thank you!
I wanted to highlight some of the wonderful reviews that people have left. Valkyrie wrote, “Such great content! I’ve heard about this podcast so much over the years and I have finally taken the time to give it a listen.” And Neil P. says, “I love Sarah and I could listen to her for hours.” Thank you! “Her podcasts are always fascinating and peppered with interesting insights, and she and her guests always have such a good time that I feel welcomed in as a listener.”
That is such a compliment! I do want this to feel like a welcoming and easy listening space – in the auditory sense, not in the musical sense. Certainly, the jokes are not easy listening. But thank you for taking the time to help us grow. Leaving a review wherever and however you listen is so very appreciated.
As usual, and as mentioned in many of the reviews left for this show, I end with a really bad joke. Now, this joke appears in a video I made years ago at an RWA convention, told to me by Sherry Thomas, and when I encountered it again I thought, ah, I need to tell it again ‘cause it’s such a good joke! So. Are you ready?
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaiiiins.
[Laughs] Probably not mayonnaise, but definitely grains.
I will also have links in the show notes – ‘cause I’m looking at them right now in my show notes template – to murder cookies and copycat Savannah Smiles, if you are devastated that they have been discontinued like Amanda is. I should probably make her some and send them, right? Yeah, I should definitely do that. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading and the very best of sandwiches and cookies! We will be back next week, but until then, stay safe and take it easy.
Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.
[perky music]
This podcast transcript was handcrafted with meticulous skill by Garlic Knitter. Many thanks.
Oh god…that sandwich. I don’t feel well.
Peanut Butter, Banana, and Mayo sandwich.
Just had one for lunch 30 minutes ago. Grew up with them
I only eat pickles if they are mixed in things such as tuna salad. I do not, under any circumstance, eat them by themselves. So no, peanut butter, pickles, and mayo for me. I might try peanut butter and mayo though.
On the topic of girl scout cookies, have any of you tried the Toast Yay! cookies? They are meant to taste like French toast.
Also Amanda, I recommend catch-up with sweet potato fries, and I am also usually a mayo person all the way, but I love this combination.
There is one mayo in the fridge; Kraft, I believe. We use Adam’s peanut butter, and, yes, it must be stirred. I recommend a pbj made with black currant jam…yum! Favorite Girl Scout cookie: Thin Mints. And now I’d like to try a lemon Oreo! Thanks for a fun chat.
PB and dill pickle sandwiches were a staple in our house growing up, if dad was making lunch. The vinegar (pickle) and salty (pickle and PB) are a great combo. Sometimes you roll it up in a tortilla so you don’t have to slice the pickles.
Hilarious! I am a new listener and this was the best initiation. I have strong opinions about so many of these topics. I don’t know where to start.
Why would people abuse oreos like that? Milk and double stuff (not refrigerated actually a tiny bit warm) are the only oreos.
Pickles on everything please. Not butter those are not pickles lol. A lot of my opinions here are different than little Lorien because I do not like super sweet anything anymore. Example: before I didn’t go to high school in the morning, I would stop and buy a yoohoo and a snickers bar and a pack of cigarettes for my friend. I’m old enough to remember a time when anyone could but cigarettes. Mom sent me all the time.
What is the plural form of mayonnaise?
Goodie Girl makes the best thin mints and they are gluten free. I found them at World Market.
Ketchup is an abomination! Mustard on french fries. We were definitely the weird neighbors. I was one of the only little goth kids in my neighborhood in Baltimore in the 80’s. I also overshare. I had a blast with you ladies today. Thanks
And if I am going to eat things with pickles in them such as potato salad, I prefer savory and not sweet although I will eat the other if it’s what’s available.
Also I had a burger at a restaurant recently, and the sauce sauce they made tasted like mustard mixed with mayonnaise. This is something I typically eat on burgers, but I had never thought of trying with fries, and it was delicious.
Peanut butter and lettuce sandwiches! I ate that from grade 9 to 12 every single day at lunch.And the only pickle we ever ate were Stubbs dill pickles. Absolute heaven. And definitely mayo with fries. Very European. My hubby introduced me to it.
Miracle whip. Never mayonnaise.
Wow. Target website has gluten free Oreos, strawberry frosted donuts, Mint, Carmel coconut, team USA, red velvet, lady Gaga, both peanut butter ones, Java chip, birthday cake, brookie-o, chocolate mars mellow, lemon and chocolate hazelnut.
Love bread & butter pickles! I can’t go back to sweet now.
I was telling a best friend about how I sometimes have a peanut butter & pickle sandwich. When she tried to make me feel bad about it, I reminded her that she eats hog maw so don’t lecture me. (We both live in PA, but she’s down in there in the middle of Pennsylvania Dutch country.)
We ordered some of those strawberry frosted donut Oreos. Talk about disappointment. The lemons are definitely my favorite.
We were a Peter Pan PB house growing up. Though I remember begging for Skippy on occasion so I could try it. And my parents were like “No, what is WRONG with you”. We’re Jiff now.
My birthmother said that when she was pregnant with me, she would eat red licorice dipped in ketchup. Like how one eats fries. It would gross out the entire restaurant.
I love ketchup. (I will proudly die on that hill.) I love the color red. But now I know where my absolute hatred of anything and everything licorice comes from.
I’m in northeast Scotland and found the Lady Gaga Oreos in my local supermarket this evening. I had never heard of them before so when I spotted them I just thought of this podcast/stereo. I didn’t even buy them as I don’t like Oreos, but I wanted to share.
@Lisa: Wow, the Gaga Oreos are in Scotland? That’s really cool!
Don’t tell Amanda I’m asking, but do you have the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry at McDonald’s there? She’s heckin’ jealous that it’s not available here in the US.
@SB Sarah I just saw your reply, forgot to hit subscribe. Yes we do have Creme Egg McFlurrys! But alas we’re still in lockdown and my town does not have a McDonalds, so I’m unlikely to get one this year.
One could always buy creme eggs and ice cream and make one’s own…