We know you want to customize everything.
And we’ve got a lot of gifs. And books. So many books!
So this year, we’ve decided it’s time to allow bespoke tailored review services. I mean, we’re not the only ones to try this out, right? What could possibly go wrong?
Here we are! Your chance to find yourself some artisan crafted, locally sourced, high octane, low emission, solar-powered, GMO-free reviews custom tailored to your specifications. Within reason.
So, what have we missed? What reviews work on you EVERY TIME? Are there elements we need to add? Please let us know! Our desire to hand-craft custom artisan reviews knows NO limits!
April Fools! (But you knew that, I bet).
You had me going, until “bespoke”!
But please do post your next review with gigs of one of RuPaul’s eyebrows and a baby goat (not the SAME gif…unless you can find a gif of RuPaul and baby goats, in which case yes plz).
Only $50,000 for the 416 gifs option? What a bargain! I definitely want one of these but I’d like a different Instagram sharing option, please. I was thinking of Tom Hiddleston completely sloshed, wearing Ru Paul’s eyebrow, and reading my book while patting Sarah’s sound engineer cat. If you could let me know the price for that, I’ll fill out the order form immediately. Another $50K should be fine. It’ll be worth every cent.
Well, geez. I at least expected a link to one of your fantabulous reviews that was close to my choices. 😉 Well done, ladies.
This is the first site I checked today–you always outdo yourselves on this date. Congratulations!
(BTW, I’d like the all-cat reviewer option, Hiddles and Armitage together with cats, the excessive use of “throbbing,” please. Can we still work something out?)
May we see a picture of Carrie’s cat, Toothless? ( I have a black cat that looks a little like Toothless when she’s annoyed)
Excellent April Fool’s Day post. I was confused longer than I’d care to admit – then I saw the spoiler & remembered what day it (almost in my time zone) is.
Well done!
Thank you for the laugh! The perfect way to start the morning. 😀
Fun as usual.
I vote ALL reviews feature gifs of Diego Luna from now on!
At first, I only chose 1 (one) animated gif, but then I chose “all gifs feature Idris Elba” and went back and changed animated gifs to 3 (three). Because Idris Elba.
Happy April Fool’s! 😀
All F+ reviews should contain the following gif –
http://makeagif.com/i/EQX7fw
All Idris Elba gifs would make the review itself “a sex-drenched heathen romp.”
Ok, fuck. I believed it before I read the end.
Was gonna choose F+ and then pair it with “transcends the genre.”
Ah, April 1st…
Dammit! I had my Black Ebony Platinum Bazillionaire credit card out ready to order the works!
FYI? I look forward to this day for 364 days… 😉 <3 the Bitchery like damn and whoah!
Give me a few days to find $4.5 million.
Is it too much customization to suggest a Grammar, Punctuation & Language Usage option?
a) No commas
b) Run-on sentences
c) At least 4 ellipses or m-dashes, to be applied incorrectly
d) Always use double exclamation points
e) Gratuitous use of text-speak abbreviations
f) Unsuccessful noun-to-verb Whedonization
Thank you for the annual April smile 🙂
Cursor trails. I love cursor trails!
Happy April Fools, you all!
*dies laughing* — Oh that was GREAT! I admit, my favorite part was all the auto-play options (AT LEAST ONE!) with the cursor tails at the end! Happy April Fools!
I love April Fool’s here, and I am giddy at how much you’ve enjoyed this year’s goofiness.
I’ve added on to our order form to accommodate your requests. Please feel free to make more suggestions! We want the bespoke to be as bespoken as possible!
Oh, darn. I left my library-stocked yacht in Greece. I was really excited about my bespoke review with cursor trails and all Tom Hiddleston GIFs.
Okay, so is there a bank out there that will loan me the money to actually have this?
No?
Crap.
You know, I should have taken it as a big ol’ hint when my first love, the man I thought was the be-all and end-all of my life, cheated on me. His birthday is April 1. Duh.
I like your prank better than his.
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
Only $17,597,129.00 US for my review!! What a bargain!! Does this mean I’m not going to get my all cat review written while drunk (on catnip I’m assuming?) that both transcends the genre and was a DNF with copious use of gifs??
The only thing better than cursor trails are buttons that move when you mouse over them. And the incorrect use of i.e., e.g., and etc. And starting sentences with and. Can it also be written in future tense?? (I’m going to read this book, I’m not going to finish it, but it will transcend the genre anyway!!)
Oh and what about the Mr. Darcys (Colin Firth & Matthew MacFadden)? They can take turns reading your review on Periscope, since the cats would be drunkenly rolling in catnip.
I’m laughing so hard I’m crying, so I’m going to stop now.
ACK! I didn’t think about April Fools until I saw I had to choose a reviewer. What if I don’t care who reviewed it? What a strange specificity level. And do the cats really review books?
That’s right, team. I didn’t get it was a joke until AFTER I had seen that cats-as-reviewers was an option. Somehow THAT made perfect sense to me.
Well done, as usual, Bitchery. xoxo
Love the detail of this. I mean we get to specify how tipsy the reviewers are. Can we recommend types of drinks? Gin and tonics for gritty suspense reviews and icy salty margaritas for those ‘spicy’ romances?
I’m a little under the the weather, so You Had Me! I was irked, then remembered what day it was. I love you all so much, thanks for making me laugh almost every day. XO
I hope you feel better, Mel! And thanks for hanging out with us every day.
Want a smell-o-vision option…
OK, let’s have a contest to guess the relative costs of the various gifs. Humm. I wonder which one is cheap at $5000? And, what would be worth $50,000? what would be worth 10 times the cheapest gif? Philosophers want to know!
I really wanted to read a review by a drunk Buzz (I saw what I did there), the anxious dog.
Shattered. Heart-wrenched. Sad.
I live in a country 12 hours ahead of the US so read this way after after the 1st of April and totally believed it until the choices became so confusing I forgot what I was asking for … Ughhh!!! Cant believe I fell for it …