It’s that time of week again, when we gather around the TV to watch fifteen women compete for the love of a man who can’t figure out how couches work. Fortunately we have travel to exotic locations and champagne to get us through.
Previously on Elyse Watches The Bachelor…
Nick took the ladies to his hometown of Waukesha, WI where they milked some cows and no one was happy about it–not even the cows. Nick had a great one-on-one date with Raven who, it turns out, is a total badass and capable of smacking the shit outta somebody. Corinne and Taylor start to fight at the cocktail party preceding The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.
Alright folks, I’ve got Kraken and Coke, and Dewey is tripping balls on nip. It’s time to go!
Corinne and Taylor continue their discussion regarding emotional intelligence. The words “here for the right reasons” are used. Everyone take a shot!
So then, Corinne tells Nick that Taylor isn’t very nice to the other women, and drops “I don’t think she’s here for the right reasons” again. Everyone take a shot again. Corinne clearly hasn’t yet learned that “nice” is the most useless thing you can be. There’s compassionate, kind, empathetic. Those are good things. Nice is just patriarchal code for “not saying some shit that needs to be said to your own detriment.”
Fuck nice.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Because we’re in Wisconsin, you can see everyone’s breath misting in the air and you know that Nick, not forced to wear to a stupid evening gown, is the only one who isn’t miserable. You’re in my neck of the woods, ladies, get you some flannel-lined jeans.
When we’re down to one rose, Chris Harrison appears out of nowhere and says “We’re down to the final rose.”
JESUS CHRIST CHRIS, WE KNOW. WE CAN COUNT.
Both Taylor and Corinne get roses. Sarah and Astrid go home.
Next everyone packs up and heads to New Orleans. This is why people sign up for The Bachelor. Luxury travel on ABC’s dime.
Chris Harrison shows up at the hotel. “We’re in New Orleans,” he says.
WE KNOW. WE GOT ON A PLANE TO COME HERE.
It’s at this point that I begin to worry that Chris has suffered some kind of traumatic brain injury and has to constantly remind himself of things. Like what city he’s in. How many roses are left. I’m starting to feel bad for being such an asshole to him. He might have gotten kicked in the head by the camel in episode one.
Attorney Rachel scores the first one-on-one (aka nowhere to run) date. They go to The French Market where, among other things, they eat some oysters and the hottest hot sauce available.
“My chemistry with Rachel is like probably the most explosive chemistry I have at this point,” Nick admits.
Keep on eating raw oysters and super hot sauce and that’s not gonna be the only explosive thing you have. Just sayin.
At this point I’d like to take a moment to talk about all the kissing going on and discuss disease transmission. I think Nick has kissed every single one of the women at this point, some at length. And I strongly suspect that’s not the ONLY mucus membrane to have been breached…if you catch my drift. You know everyone has the same cold now right? My skin crawls just thinking about it. What if someone has strep? And Nick is the vector passing all that shit around like a bearded little petri dish.
Nick Viall: Patient Zero.
Back to the show. Dinner happens in a warehouse where Mardi Gras floats go to die, which would not be my choice, but hey, no one asked me. So far neither Rachel or Nick have the gurgles from the hot sauce/ oyster lunch.
Now during EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE ON ONE DINNER, the women each tell Nick the story of Their Tragic Past (my grandpa died right before the show, I was hit by lightning once, I was turned into a newt, but I got better) and how that tragedy somehow made them better, more fully developed people. Rachel tells Nick that the last time she was in New Orleans it was for a funeral and it made her want to live life to the fullest or something.
I have a problems with all of this:
- Sometimes tragedy is just tragedy and it sucks but it doesn’t have to transform you into a magical butterfly
- Nick smiles DURING THE ENTIRETY of all of these stories and says, “that’s great.”
I think if I made it this far onto The Bachelor (I wouldn’t, I have short hair and a potty mouth), I would tell Nick the tragic story of my horrifying infected abscess that I had drained that year. Maybe I’d made it a dermoid cyst, because sometimes they have actual teeth in them. Yes, yes I would. And then at the end of the story of “The Draining,” I would pull out one of my cyst-teeth that I made into a necklace for him, complete with little beads that spell “Nick.”
Please note, if you have had a dermoid cyst I’m legit sorry because it sounds like the worst, and I am not making fun of you. I’m making fun of Nick. Fuck that guy.
Also why have half these women recently experienced a death in the family!?! Is Chris Harrison scouting for contestants in cemeteries? Are the recently bereaved the only people Nick is attracted to? I knew he was a monster….
Anyway Nick gives Rachel a rose. One step closer to Bora Bora, Rachel.
The next day they go on a group date to the most haunted house in all of Louisiana. Great, Nick! Nothing says love like the restless dead.
Raven, my new bestie, is having none of this shit. “If we see a ghost, I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus, is what I’m gonna do. I’m not putting up with it.”
TEAM RAVEN FTW
The group has some mint juleps and are told that the most prominent ghost haunting the mansion is May, an eight-year-old girl who died of yellow fever and is now searching for her lost doll. I’d be searching for anti-virals and a solid vaccine program, but whatever. Cut to a still image of a creepy eyeless doll and the host says “don’t touch that!”
You know, and here my first instinct upon FINDING A FUCKING EYELESS DOLL IN A HAUNED HOUSE IS TO PICK IT UP. Of course they need to play with a Ouija board, the lights go out, and everyone screams.
A group of them go exploring and find out that DUN DUN DUN, the doll is now missing. Jasmine dismisses the whole thing as bullshit and probably falls asleep for awhile.
While Nick spends some individual time with each of the women, the others break off into groups and explore the dark mansion. There’s a lot of laughter and screaming, and honestly, it looks like an amazing time. The kind where you pee yourself a little, but amazing nonetheless.
At some point Raven tells Nick that she fell in love with him when he sang “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid. Now, this did NOT happen on camera and I’m super pissed off about that. Nick also doesn’t return her “I love you,” which is notable. To be fair, he might be trying to remember when he got blackout drunk enough to sing a song from The Little Mermaid.
At the end of the date, Nick gives the group date rose to Danielle M.
Raven’s gonna beat your ass with a shoe, dude.
The next date is the two-on-one date, during which two women go on a date with Nick at simultaneously–this time in the bayou. ONLY ONE WOMAN WILL RETURN!
Not because of murder, though. He’s supposed to eliminate one of them. And because the producers have led us to believe Taylor and Corinne hate each other, they are the participants. Taylor brings up emotional intelligence again. Everyone take a shot.
On a boat ride into the Bayou, Taylor says, “We’re like really gettin’ in the swamp today.”
“Oh we’re deep in the bayou,” Nick replies.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
After the boat ride they take a little hike (passing the vertebrae of some poor creature–no lie–WORST. DATE. EVER.) and come across a Voodoo priestess and a Reader. She leads them farther into the woods.
None of these people have listened to My Favorite Murder podcast because you STAY OUT OF THE WOODS. Especially woods that contain a mysterious spinal column.
During her reading, Taylor is told that there is a party present that is toxic and one that is emotionally intuitive. Taylor assumes Corinne is the toxic party, but c’mon, we all know it’s Nick right?
During her reading, Corinne asks for a Voodoo doll because why not? During their alone time with Nick, each woman complains about the other which is not cool, you guys. Uteruses before Duderuses.
Then Nick sits down awkwardly at their table in the middle of the homicide-forest. He holds a rose carefully in front of him. He looks down, clearly overcome. The oysters are catching up with him.
He gives Corinne the rose which I TOTALLY COULD HAVE TOLD YOU because “the villain” stays till at least 5 women are left. Always. I bet she makes the top three.
He hugs Taylor goodbye and she’s left, presumably, to find her way back through the forest of terrifying skeletal remains alone. Classy, Nick. Real fucking classy.
BTW, I would totally read a book where Taylor lives in the bayou for awhile and murders people who look like Nick. I’d read that book like my goddamned life depended on it.
The Voodoo priestess cleanses Taylor though, so I guess that’s not going to happen. Bummer.
Then Corinne and Nick go to dinner BUT WHO SHOWS UP? TAYLOR! WITH AN AXE!
Just kidding. She doesn’t have an axe. But she tells Nick she needs to tell him something!
Cute TO BE CONTINUED…
What do you think of Taylor’s sudden appearance? Should she have stayed? Was Nick deceived?
Oh man, I hope he does a rose switcharoo because that would be completely tactless and awful and pretty much in line with how I view Nick.
Again, no interest in watching this but the review is great. Thanks, Elyse.
Aw. I was hoping the house would be haunted by a hot dude ghost and all the ladies would say, “You know, Nick, this guy who’s been dead for 200 years and doesn’t even have a corporeal form has more to offer than you do. Boy, bye.”
The only announcement I will accept from Taylor is “I’m having your baby.” She escaped! Nothing short of child support is with worth going back to a man whose face is stuck on derp.
Maybe she’ll drop the eyeless doll in his lap.
I need to stop reading these recaps at the gym because I’m legit snorting on the bike and everyone is concerned. Team all the women, seriously.
This episode didn’t really do it for me. I just thought the haunted house thing was ridiculous, and the two-on-one date was so boring that I fell asleep watching it and didn’t realize that Taylor comes back at the end. They will hype that up so hard and it will turn out to be a 2-minute conversation about how much she cares about Nick and how he needs to be careful because some people aren’t there for the right reasons. Which Nick is fully aware of, having been the “Corinne” on not one but two seasons of the Bachelorette already. My prediction is that Corinne will make it to the fantasy suites unless she manages to seduce him next week with her platinum “vazheene” (never heard it referred to that way until she said it in the previews). At which point Nick will drop her like a hot potato, which might be OK with her given what we have surmised about Nick’s bedroom skills, or lack thereof. The major thing I took from this episode is that I hope Rachel gets 2nd place so she gets to be the next Bachelorette.
He hugs Taylor goodbye and she’s left, presumably, to find her way back through the forest of terrifying skeletal remains alone.
Now I’m waiting for the sequel where Taylor has a HEA with the cameraman.
As soon as I saw Taylor and Corrine trending on Twitter last night, I knew this was going to be a great review. Thanks, again, Elyse. You watch this, so I don’t have to watch it.
Holy Mother of God…I google imaged dermoid cyst, being unfamiliar. Holy shit…gah! gak! Bachelor guy totally needs a necklace.
Dewey would be a better bachelor than Nick. Thank you so much for this review. I would write Taylor’s book as a thank you, but my brain really liked the whole “Bachelor with the Crows” ideas and is trying to figure out how would any Bachelor survive in that house.
@Maite Dewey would be an excellent Bachelor as he’s very snuggly however during The Dreaded Rose Ceremony he’d either knock all the roses on the floor or just pick whoever shook the treat bag
Get a job. Buy your own shit. And leave Nick in the forest.
“Uteruses before duderuses”! I’m so stealing that line!
“I think if I made it this far onto The Bachelor (I wouldn’t, I have short hair and a potty mouth), I would tell Nick the tragic story of my horrifying infected abscess that I had drained that year. Maybe I’d made it a dermoid cyst, because sometimes they have actual teeth in them. Yes, yes I would. And then at the end of the story of “The Draining,” I would pull out one of my cyst-teeth that I made into a necklace for him, complete with little beads that spell “Nick.” ”
That sounds like an infinitely more fascinating chat, tbh. I know I’d definitely be hooked in that conversation.
Oh boy, being picked for the one-on-one date is the worst. At least with the group dates you don’t have to put up with The Bachelor all the time.
The show sounds disgusting but I guess one good thing about it is that you have stuff to write such awesomely cool reviews about!
I had to contain myself while reading this review – HILARIOUS. My boyfriend and I watch this show together. We’re so curious about what was alluded to in the trailer…something shocking! Imagine! All the women I like best are too good for Nick.
I never watch the Bachelor, I only read your recaps, but I am so confused by Nick’s existence. His expression totally precludes hotness. I think Elyse has got to be right: the ladies must only be there for the travel and the food and stuff, because it sure can’t be HIM.
I don’t watch the show but these recaps are amazing. I wish they would let you edit the show together. Haha
So, clearly, if the Bachelor were a book, it would be an F+.