Lilith Saintcrow was kind enough (?!) to scan this image and email it to us. I borrowed her subject line for this entry. I’m not sure if I need to say “Thank you” for the scan, or “Oh, God, pass me the eyewash station.”
Sarah: As Lilith pointed out to me, the tattoo and the clutched sword are painfully difficult to miss, as is the collarbone and Adam’s apple of ye olde heroine on the left there.
Add to that the stupid eyepatch and the oddly long sideburns on both of them, and never in my life have I wished so hard for a horse to trample two people.
Bridgett sent us this scan, thank you kindly.
Candy: Remember that part in Coming to America, when Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy) and Semmi (Arsenio Hall) are in the nightclub, auditioning babes for the prince, and one of the babes is Arsenio in drag, who then says something like “I’d love to break you apart” in this incredibly husky voice?
Yeah, I’m flashing to that moment when I look at this babe. She’s awfully…assertive-looking, isn’t she?
Sarah: I am transfixed by that man’s satin pants, and am wondering if he’s off to fight for my rights. I’m going to have to assume it’s a uniform of some sort. It can’t be a voluntary fashion choice on his part: satin is unforgiving on all people, but very much so on those with saggy ball sack syndrome.
Candy: Regency Buck: Darling, I…I hate to tell you this, but what I feel is…is this love that Dare Not Speak Its Name.
Regency Miss: Oh, my darling, I thought you’d never tell me. *whips off mask* I love my horses that way, too!
And finally, Jay just about trampled my last remaining strength with this submission: the “Coming Soon” placeholder for Changeling Press.
Sarah: I don’t know if it’ll be soon, since from the looks of it he hasn’t figured out how to bend his fingers yet.
Candy: Coming soon? Since when did plastic gain the ability to orgasm?
I have finally learned my lesson & my monitor is thankfully free of liquids this week.
“hasn’t figured out how to bend his fingers yet”. Bwahhhaaa!! I’m still laughing over this.
Seriously though, the people in charge of putting manequins together messed up and put Barbie’s legs with the Incredible Hulks torso and Fabio’s head.
And why is it everytime I read the cover snark half the covers cause the song “Dude looks like a Lady” to run through my head, followed by “Lola, la la la la LOLA”
Damn—it looks like whomever dressed the Pirate’s Pleasure folks got it wrong—even the pose looks reversed.
Do you remember the scene in Austin Powers where the lady held the cantelopes in front of her, well that pair on the cover look even more like melons that someone put in a sling for easy carrying. “look honey, we can survive on this deserted island—I found these for dessert.”
Coming Soon… Candy that cracked me up!
As for the first picture, ok so we’ve figured out that the heroine must be a man, but can someone explain how she/he got the number for the doctor that did Tori Spelling’s implants? Is this a pirate time travel novel?
Pirate’s pleasure is my favorite cover, ever.
The foreground flowers, The white horse galloping on water, the nysterious kneeling thang, the wind coming at them from two directions to hit their hair right, the Magi-Boobies Blouse Glue [tm] that’s about to fail, his “wait for it” clenched body (“pull my belt, honey”), the overpolished boots.
The other covers are fine, but Pirate’s Pleasure is the sort of cover an author dreams to call her own some day.
Swoon.
Oh lordy, I didn’t even notice the text:
She’s a “proud vixen” and he swears she “will serve a . . .PIRATE’S PLEASURE”
Bitches, it’s all so orgasmically perfect I’m just about weeping with pleasure.
Day-ammm, that thar pirate has more junk in the trunk than one of Disney’s dancing hippos.
Oh gawd, I was fine until I got to Coming Soon. I started giggling in a response that can only be blamed on too much single malt and bizarre cover art.
Then I had to go back and take a second look at A Pirate’s Pleasure. I thought I had the market cornered on cross dressing pirates, but that lusty wench(?) would be right at home on the Tigress.
The odd highlighting on the pirate’s bum takes the cake!
Who stapled the horse’s feed bags to that first chick’s chest? Or perhaps they’re parasitic aliens, slowly draining the substance from that poor woman. Look! They’ve already begun to emaciate her! You can see all of the bones of her upper chest and shoulders. Oh, the humanity! *sob*
The English Rose looks about ready to whack Lord Satin Pants with her mask! Or stab him right in the eye!
“Don’t grab my waist this way, you’ll break my spine, fool!” *stab-stab*
Pirate Cover…I’ve seen worse. Actually, I caught myself checking him out and going “mmm”
But the other one Which Shalt Not Be Named, it gave me the one-eyed twitch…*whimper*
You know, forget what I said about the pirate cover. It was early. I regret it. Please let me take it back.
I hadn’t read “he took the proud vixen” bit before I commented. And now my blood pressure is way up.
Damn pirates.
The “pirate” looks like a Solid Gold dancer…and he’s about to whip out the funksnake!
And yeah, what is up with that odd highlighting on his rump? It looks like he sat in a puddle.
Lol, Sarah, on the second. He is fighting for our rights, and the old red white and bluuuuue! He’s Wonder Wussy.
The last…oh, dear. Just…oh, dear. Why is his torso like a million times longer than a normal torso? And how impressive can what’s coming be, when he can cover it up with his fingertips?
Scary Plastic Man’s hand isn’t all that big, so did he just take a dip in a cold pool? Do plastic danglies shrink in cold water (also, oddly, causing plastic eyes to cross)? I’d like to know, but not enough to do an actual test.
You all have made me sicker than I already was before I found this site. I just copied plastic man to my hard drive and zoomed in his—er—left hand. Above that it looks oddly like he has some sort of pubic two day growth. That or he spent a lot of time straightening and then combing his short and curlies.
December, you had me at “Solid Gold Dancer” but when I got to “Wonder Wussy” I spit my coffee out. That has to be a first – I’m laughing at the snark on my snark.
In Mistletoe Mischief, the woman looks like her smile is just melting into horrified recognition. Let’s hope her next words aren’t:
“Oh, God, you’re my father!”
Plastic man has a rather…idiotic expression on his face. Did he get whapped upside the head with a Barbie super-deluxe frying pan?
Coupled with the one-of-two-rather-bad options (either the manufacturers used too much plastic in the torso and therefore had to short some other…parts, or he’s the sort of guy to do a tuck and roll while naked, which is just so, so, so very wrong in every way), it’s one of those images that makes me want to find the idiots at Changeling Press and smack their art director very hard.
Stupid gay Ken posers are NOT sexy. Not. Particularly when they have bigger boobs than your readers!
*pardon the incoherence of this post, my morning coffee hasn’t hit my bloodstream yet…*
Hah! My little word below is “short35” If that ain’t the truth….
Coming Soon
No he ain’t. Not anywhere near me, anyway.
Honestly, how expensive could it be to buy stock photos and Photoshop them?
Oh look, an ickle pirate-man. Who’s the cute ickle pirate-man? You are. Wow, not only are we aware that our fair damsel is not so much a damsel, but s/he is also the Fifty-Foot Women to his Doomed Citizen.
As for Plastic Man, I think the knock-off Ken doll I had was more anatomically correct than this guy.
My word – ‘almost42’ – is this site psychic or something?
Oh, gosh, Sarah…I’m so honored. Thank you!
Pirate woman is kneeling on a rock. I noticed that first, before the manliness or the boobs or the glowing pirate ass. I am the kind of gal who likes sex in a bed. On a couch. Comfy places. I kneel on a rock in skirt with bare knees FOR NO MAN. If they don’t look comfy, I don’t think SEXY.
Then again, plastic man is supposed to look comfy… and that isn’t helping his hideousness at all.
So *that’s* what Charlie Sheen was doing during the lean years between movies and the sitcom: modeling for Heather Graham’s novels.
Pirate’s Pleasure really has it all, the miniature horse embedded in the guy’s back not to mention the flower-shaped visible fart (if he produces ones that smell like flowers he really must be a hero). And her arms. Something is VERY wrong with her arms. Her left appears to be only a skinny stump—there’s far too much sky showing there. Given the length of her other arm I think the original art was not of a man but an emaciated orangutang.
As for Ms. Mistletoe, on this not particularly good monitor it looks like she’s withholding a sort of blue doughnut from him. Obviously he has the munchies real bad.
And Mr. Changeling. Well. That IS his thumb, isn’t it? Because otherwise I’d say there’s not much worth waiting for there.
the pirate one..
how can her chest be so BONY and her boobs be so HUGE? pirated implants?
funny covers!
Mercifully, the fiery stallion (probably driven into a terrible rage by being dyed black and called Satan once too often) appears to be charging straight towards the be-pleasured vixen and her lusty piratical swain.
Horsie has a darkling gleam of vengeance in its single rabid eye, so I hold high hopes that it will knock them over like ninepins into the briny surf.
Oh hey, are those thews he’s kneeling on?
…Do mine eyes deceive me, or is Lord Latex on the last cover there sporting some black thigh-highs?
“Above that it looks oddly like he has some sort of pubic two day growth. That or he spent a lot of time straightening and then combing his short and curlies.”
I nearly lost it when I read D.S.‘s quote above. That was the best snark for the “Coming Soon” cover. The image of him carefully grooming himself will be in my brain forever, causing me to burst out laughing at odd times for the rest of my life. Well done!
I also saved the picture of “coming soon” and zoomed in. The dude doesn’t have any pupils. It just a big blob of cornea. Scary Scary
I don’t think the heroine on the first one is a man (to me, the Adam’s apple looks more like her throat showing through her skin because of how thin she is), but it does look like she got a boob job.
The second one does look like the girl is going to say, “Dad? Is that you?” or something like it. And doesn’t she look about 14, 15. Anyway, whoever the guy is, he looks like he’s going to rape her.
The third one: Yikes! I remember seeing this on Dionne Galace’s site and it still looks frightening. And Smart Bitches, shame on you for not asking the obvious question: “Did he get neutered or is he a grower (read: his penis is only large when he gets aroused, kinda like a dog’s)?” That’s what I would have asked.
I wrote this song in honor of Coming Soon.
(Adapted from Captain and Tenille)
Android, Android candlelight
Doin’ the town and doin’ it right
In the evenin’
It’s pretty pleasin’
Android Susie, Android Sam
Do the robot out in android land
And they vibrate
And Sue’s never been late
And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin’ and jingin’ the jango
Floatin’ like the starship above
It looks like android love
Nibblin’ on plastic, chewin’ on wires
Sammy says to Susie: “Honey, would you please be my missus?”
And she say yes
With her kisses
And now he’s ticklin’ her USB port
Rubbin’ her toes
Cable to cable, now anything goes
As they wriggle and Sue starts to sizzle
And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin’ and jingin’ the jango
Floatin’ like the starship above
It looks like android love
La da da da da…
“coming soon” really had me chuckling until I remembered If It’s Tuesday, There Must be Dildoes. I dunno if anything will ever top that for me 🙂
Coming soon…is all kinds of icky, and a Miss Clarol android. Blond body hair and black head hair…eeeeew.
Coming Soon? More like coming apart! Look at his right hip. That leg is clearly not attached too well. Shudder.
Several things on the Pirate travesty. First, her arms—look beside her amazing gold lame’ skirt. There’s one hand on the rock, and her other’s on her knee, against Sir Pirate’s rippling belly. See them both? Now look up at her shoulders. Front one, all looks normal, arm descending straight from the shoulder down to the hand, yes… the other… whafuck? Her arm is held OUT from her body! Yet beneath the Amazing Melons O’ Power, there’s her arm! Coming from totally the other direction! What happened to the chick’s arm and who is standing behind her feeling up her thigh????
And last but not least… where oh dear God WHERE are his nipples???
Oh, wait, I figured it out—he must’ve borrowed her Nipple Glue to hold his shirt strategically in place before she ripped it from his heaving chest in a moment o’ passion. That had to sting a bit.
Amy E, OMG I totally missed her arm! That has got to be painful… Not to mention freaky as hell.
Perhaps the person feeling up her thigh is the owner of the horse?
I’m pretty sure the hand on her thigh belongs to pirate dude. They may not be anatomically correct but it would suck if they started throwing in extra body parts to make up for what they forgot, lol
“‘You left out his nipples.’
‘eh throw an extra arm in there, it’ll balance out,’”
The arm on Pirate Girl?‘s thigh is the heroe’s freakishly long right arm, which apparently has either a second elbow or a really extended wrist. Cause the elbow, it bends, and then it bends again. Either that or there’s something fishy with the muscling on his lower arm.
I have doubts about the seaworthiness of the longboat hybrid in the background. For starters, its red pennant is larger than its topsail, not to mention half the length of the vessel.
For coming soon, Poser is as bad with fabric as it is bodies. The poor dude looks like he is sitting on marble.
Notice the funny angle of his body, he is trying to keep the boys from touching the ole so cold slab…
Not to mention that old wifes tale about sitting on cold cement.
“The image of him carefully grooming himself will be in my brain forever, causing me to burst out laughing at odd times for the rest of my life. Well done!
Posted by Melissa “
*snicker* “I’m ready for my close up Mr. DeMille!”
I was also wondering if “ickle pirate-man” (thank you Ceilidh)was getting ready to draw his little sword and deflate her boobies.
And maybe it isn’t an adam’s apple on the pirate wench. It might be a goiter.
Is he wearing an eye patch?
There is a suspicious black line across his forehead.
He’s a pirate with a sword and a skull and cross bones tattoo, me thinks that means that the black line denotes and eye patch.
Not to mention that old wifes tale about sitting on cold cement.
I don’t know that one, enlighten me!