Book Review

Drowning Mermaids by Nadia Scrieva

So apparently, in addition to being the Knitter in Residence here at SBTB, I am also the the aquatic romance reviewer. When Amanda sent me a book about a mermaid stripper, you know I had to read that, right? It’s as crazy-sauce as I could have hoped.

The book is about Aazuria, a mermaid princess  who lived in an undersea ice palace and who is now destitute after her murdering her dad. To be fair, her dad is like King Triton meets Mommy Dearest so he pretty much had it coming. Aazuria and her sister/friends go to Alaska and become strippers because they need to buy weapons and medical equipment to get their underwater empire back up and running.

Obviously the mermaids can get around on land and have legs and stuff. How the fuck they’re going to get weapons and medical supplies back under the ocean and not, you know, ruin them, I’m not entirely sure. There’s some talk of underwater guns, but whatever. You try bringing a CT machine to your underwater ice palace and let me know how that goes, thanks.

Now, Aazuria is described as being such a remarkable dancer that she can almost hypnotize men with her grace.

There’s also another mermaid who has siren-like abilities when she sings. So it makes total fucking sense that in order to get tons of money, they turn to stripping. Look, I’m not opposed to stripping. Find your bliss. But if you have two individuals who are so remarkably talented in singing/dancing that it brings salty crab fishermen to tears, maybe shoot a little higher than stripping in a small Alaskan town. Go for Vegas. Hell, maybe become the next Beyonce.

Holy fuck, Beyonce is a mermaid with magical abilities, isn’t she. I KNEW IT.

Anyway, this crab fisherman/ businessman named Trevain “I’m almost 50” Murphy is at the strip club–but only to cheer up his men because he’s almost 50 and too old to be looking at young ladies, as he constantly reminds us. He sees Aazuria do naked ballet dancing to the other mermaid singing opera with no musical accompaniment and he’s transfixed.

I envisioned this gif almost immediately:

Even though he’s ALMOST 50 he invites Aazuria and her sisters to come live with him because they’re down on their luck. So rather than sharing a crappy motel room, they go. After like 5 minutes of living together Aazuria tells him she’s a mermaid and he’s all, “Haha you’re so cute.”

Trevain is not very happy because men keep disappearing off his fishing boat and dying (presumably falling in and drowning). Other fishing boats are disappearing entirely. Aazuria knows what’s up:

For thousands of years, the ruins now known as the Bimini Wall had been home to a thriving and prosperous undersea settlement in the Caribbean. That was until about a hundred years ago. An army of anarchist sea-dwellers from various clans and kingdoms all over the world had banded together under a revolutionary leader from the Clan of Zalcan. They had ferociously attacked the Bimini Empire.

The underwater war had been waged for many years causing a massive amount of collateral damage in the form of land-dwelling causalities. The area became known as the Bermuda Triangle to superstitious seafarers. It was a well-known technique that mermaids used against each other to attack ships or nearby surface settlements and bring huge numbers of suspicious investigators to the area, making it unlivable.

RIGHT.

The Bermuda Triangle is a fucking mermaid conspiracy. The other Smart Bitches were not impressed that I was unaware of this going into the story.

Elyse: The Bermuda Triangle is a giant Mermiad Conspiracy. Carrie; We all knew that. We just didn't tell you. Amanda: Carrie's right. You have to discover it on your own! It's also included in US citizenship tests.

So the Clan of Zalcan is starting shit in the Bering Sea to drive Aazuria out of her ice palace which make zero fucking sense since she’s already living in a shitty motel in a fishing town in Alaska doing nearly-naked ballet while fishermen shove dollar bills in her g-string. Dear Clan of Zalcan, get your shit together. The mermaid-ice-castle princess has enough to look after while squatting next to the tip-rail. Thanks.

Anyway, Trevian DESPITE BEING ALMOST 50 starts falling in love with Aazuria and proposes to her. She accepts but tells him:

“Then you have my word,” she said to him earnestly. “I will be your wife–on one condition.”

“Anything,” he echoed.

She smiled. “When the time comes, if the time comes–will you be open to a concept which you currently consider impossible? Will you allow a new idea to enter your mind, and will you trust me?”

This is my favorite passage in the book because I have to assume that Trevain thinks she’s either talking about 1. pegging (NSFW) or 2. freeganism (SFW).

Of course he agrees because a little what-what in the butt or eating of the dumpster is totally worth it.

But then the Clan of Zalcan shows up and is attacking more boats so Aazuria and her mermaid sisterhood decide to take to the water and protect Trevain and his crew. They do this wearing green tactical gear and carrying underwater rifles they bought with their stripping money. Honestly, if I made money stripping, I’d buy an underwater rifle, too. It seems like the right thing to spend that cash on.

They defend Trevain’s boat, Aazuria-as-a-mermaid kisses Trevain but he doesn’t recognize her. Mermaids don’t have fins in this book, but when she’s in the water Aazuria becomes very pale with white hair. On land, her hair’s really dark.  DUDE, I HAD THAT BARBIE.

splashcolorbarbie

Also, I love how Trevain’s crew rationalizes the mermaids in tactical gear that just saved them IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING BERING SEA:

Wyatt cleared his throat. “Uh… Arnav was killed by a bunch of people wearing black, but then some females wearing green kicked their asses for it?”

“They had APS underwater assault rifles strapped to their backs,” Doughlas said. “Probably some military training thing….they  probably came from a stealth submarine which we can’t see somewhere around here.”

Doughlas is clearly the genius of the group.

At some point Aazuria tells Trevain that it was her, that she’s a mermaid and he freaks the fuck out. She gets pissed because she’s all “YOU SAID YOU WOULD TRUST ME WHEN THE TIME CAME!”

And Trevain is probably all “BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT BUTTSECKS!”

And she’s all “I TOLD YOU I WAS A MERMAID! JFC!”

But in his defense she told him she was a mermaid like right after he watched her naked ballet dance to her friend singing opera with no musical accompaniment in a seedy strip club in a fishing town…so quite honestly the mermaid comment was like the least fucking weird thing about that.

So Aazuria and her friends have to defeat the Clan of Zalcan, get Trevain to believe her, and also WTF is she going to do with him because she’s 603 mermaid years old and HE’S ALMOST 50, OKAY? and she has to return to the sea.

Spoiler: He’s a fucking mermaid too.

Epic crazysauce aside, the writing in this book is just painfully stilted and awkward. All the mermaids talk like characters from a 30’s gangster movie:

“It’s too late for her, sweet pea. I shot her through the heart. She’s gone.”

“And I’m here to score superior weaponry for our forces,” Visola said. “It’s embarrassing to admit, but our weaponry is pretty primitive. I can easily fix everything with some hardcore American dollars.”

Also there’s this passage:

“Are you saying your father was a rapist?”

“No. Perhaps not in the legal sense of the term. But also yes. Very much so.”

Right.

The other thing that bummed me out is that there is no descriptive sex in this book. I mean, at least with The Orca King I got some high-quality whale-size ejaculate to go with my crazy sauce.

So, in summary, you’re all welcome. I read the mermaid stripper book so you don’t have to. It is, however, free on Amazon  so if you want to dip your toe into the briny abyss, go for it.

Sebastian saying to Ariel - the human world, it's a mess

This book is available from:
  • Available at Amazon
  • Order this book from apple books

  • Order this book from Kobo
  • Order this book from Google Play

As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases.
We also may use affiliate links in our posts, as well. Thanks!

Drowning Mermaids by Nadia Scrieva

View Book Info Page

Add Your Comment →

  1. Louise H says:

    I’m just going to leave this link here…http://www.ktva.com/stripper-boat-finds-success-in-kodiak-307/

    (It has since closed down.)

  2. Sarita says:

    No fins? You mean they don’t have fishtails? They don’t count as mermaids if they don’t have tails. With no tails and color-changing hair they’re just the chick from Lady in the Water . Out of everything about this book, this is the bit that offends me.

  3. Anony Miss says:

    No link to the book on Amazon???

  4. Tanvee says:

    Okay this was amazing. But also – I looked it up on goodreads, as one does, and this is part 1 OF A SERIES! I hope more reviews will happen! Here’s the second book! Please please pretty please!
    http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13558184-fathoms-of-forgiveness

  5. LF says:

    Was there titty-fucking in this book?

  6. First I pronounced “Doughlas” as “Dough-less”. Then I said, hang on, is he one of the Black Dagger Brotherhood trapped in a bad mermaid story?

  7. SB Sarah says:

    Links fixed – sorry! I would NEVER stand between anyone and their mermaid curiosity.

  8. Sarah Title says:

    I kept reading this as “the Carl of Zalcan.”

    Also, I need glasses.

  9. jimthered says:

    Beings with amazing, hypnotic singing voices immediately choosing to become strippers. I guess porn is accurate after all! Oh, and this seems surprisingly relevant to this book discussion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wfh0E-wOYg

  10. Wendy McLaren says:

    So, to get back to the Bermuda Triangle from Alaska, do you they use the Panama Canal? Or swim all the way around South America? What’s the toll for gun-totting mermaids to go through the canal? A mermaid, a plan, a canal, Panama just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

  11. MsCellany says:

    It has an award.
    Who gives this award? What were the other books in competition? How weird/bad/nuts must they be if this is the book that won?

  12. P. J. DEAN says:

    Doughlas with an “H”? Step away from the J. R. Ward. Please.

  13. Demi says:

    Are there any good non-YA mermaid romances out there? Maybe I haven’t searched enough, but it seems they always turn out to be YA.

  14. LauraL says:

    Drowning Mermaids showed up on a “free reads” email a while ago. I am glad I was not tempted to download. Thanks once again, Elyse, for taking one for the SBTB team.

    @ Demi – There are mermaids in Susan Donovan’s Bayberry Island books, no mermaid romance … yet.

  15. DSliter says:

    @Demi – MaryJanice Davidson has a mermaid series that I enjoyed. Fred the Mermaid. 🙂

    Unfortunately, Book #1 – Sleeping with the Fishes, isn’t in e-book format, but #2 and #3 are.

  16. cleo says:

    @Demi – Joey Hill has a mermaid series that I haven’t read, but it’s definitely not YA.

    Virgina Kantra’s Children of the Sea series has selkies and other immortal finfolk, not mermaids, but kind of in the same vein. I did read this series and enjoyed it.

  17. L. says:

    The male model on the book cover doesn’t look anywhere close to being 50.

  18. DonnaMarie says:

    Joey W. Hill’s mermaid books are awesome and also include angels and dark magic and a character that is half octopus instead of half fish.

    And Fred the Mermaid is a stitch.

  19. The hell?! When I read the summary – I mean, mermaids, killing the pseudo-Triton-like king, becoming strippers to buy the arsenal to rule the underwater kingdom I just look at the calendar but whoah – it’s not April 1st.

    Staying away from this book. I really sympathize with your for having to read a story like this 😀 thanks for the warning…

  20. Demi says:

    Thanks to all the ladies with your recommendations. I think I was just sold on the Joey Hill series when I read “half octopus instead of half fish” lol. Off to look up all the recommendations!

  21. Jen says:

    OMG I’m laughing so hard at this review. I’m not usually a laugh uproariously at Internet stuff kind of person, but this was perfect. Thanks Elyse!

  22. aquamarinaveen says:

    @Demi there’s also tiffany reisz’s short story “immersed in pleasure”, which is kind of about mermaids and is very good, but definitely is not YA.

  23. aza-mataz says:

    OMG. Thats all… I nearlly lol’d reaaallly loud on the train. I thank the mermaid gods I was not srinking anything.

  24. […] La escritora de novelas paranormales, Nadia Scrieva, publicó en enero de 2014, de forma gratuita e independiente, la novela Drowning Mermaids, primera entrega de su serie Sacred Breath,  disponible en formato Kindle desde la web de Amazon y con una extensión de 314 páginas. Podéis leer una divertida crítica en Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. […]

Add Your Comment

Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

*


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

↑ Back to Top