Book Review

Amish Vampires in Space by Kerry Nietz

At our podcast live recording at the RT Convention, someone stated that there is a book called Amish Vampires in Space. Clearly, one of us was going to have to read this, and that someone was me. I was fully prepared to mock it to the heavens, but it turned out to be good – in a serious way, not as a parody. I’m very confused by this. My world is rocked.

According to the introduction, Amish Vampires in Space started as a joke. Jeff Gerke was working for a Christian publishing house that was inundated with Amish novels. Just for fun, Jeff came up with a pretend title and cover for a non-existent novel. Much later, the author Kerry Nietz asked for permission to write a book to go with the cover. Instead of using the concept for parody or over-the-top madness, he managed to figure out a premise that would allow for there to be Amish vampires in space – as science fiction/horror. The book has humor, but it’s not silly overall.

Here’s the premise: in the far future, Amish colonists settle a terraformed planet. Amish communities make great colonists because they like the isolation from other cultures and they don’t rely on technology that is difficult or expensive to replace. One colony needs to be evacuated due to problems with their sun. A ship that is basically just a giant UPS truck picks them up. The ship itself is large, with huge cargo bays, a large crew, cafeterias, etc, but the ship’s function is to make routine deliveries. Space travel is so routine for this crew that it’s boring.

En route to pick up the colonists, the ship picks up an injured scientist who has been cryogenically frozen until she reaches a destination with more medical care and the wreckage from her lab. It’s all very routine until one crew member, Greels, becomes obsessed with the frozen scientist, and another crew member, Congi, starts poking around the shipment of wreckage to see if there’s anything he can steal or resell. When the Amish colony is picked up, they are housed in the cargo bay right next to the one with the frozen scientist and the wreckage. What could go wrong?

Of course what goes wrong is that Congi gets bitten by something that infects him with vampirism. He starts feeding, first on the Amish colonists’ farm animals, and then on the Amish and the crew. Victims experience a coma-like state and high fever, after which they wake up with more energy than ever before, but also with strange behavior. By the time anyone realizes what’s happening, most of the passengers and crew are infected, leading to some seriously creepy horror scenes as the survivors attempt to escape.

This story consists of multiple genres coming together, all with their own plausible conflicts. The story kicks off when Jebediah (the protagonist) uses a beacon to summon help (this is a simplification). The community is upset that he kept the existence of the beacon from him (it was passed down in his family in secret). They are also upset because both staying and leaving present different threats to the community (this is before the vampire problem kicks in). The book doesn’t have much romance, but the relationship between Jebediah and his pregnant wife, Sarah, is lovely (Sarah is often anxious because of her pregnancy but as soon as she has something to do she has nerves of steel).

I don’t know much about the Amish, nor have I read any Amish romances. I have to wonder how accurate the portrayal of the Amish is in this book (even granting allowances for the fact that some of them become vampires on a spaceship, which disrupts their worship considerably). As far as I can tell, the portrayal seems respectful of the community. There is a stereotypical older leader who is rigid to the point of stupidity, but parallel characters can be found in the secular spaceship crew as well. The fears of the Amish make sense and largely turn out to be justified, even as certain flexibility in following rules leads to survival. The Amish are neither naïve nor foolish – at least, no more so than the crew.

Plotlines involving the crew are more one-dimensional. Greels is a creepy dude. Congi is a greedy materialist who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else,and the captain is a more mobile version of the captain in Wall-E in the sense that he realizes that he’s never actually been a leader or done anything heroic. The strongest element of the ship plot line is how it conveys the colossal boredom of space travel when the route is established and there’s nothing to do between picking up cargo and unloading cargo.

The horror aspect of the story doesn’t quite come together but various scenes are absolutely chilling. One of the first things that happens to the infected is that they begin losing their inhibitions and acting out. The leader of the Amish community didn’t want to leave the planet for fear of moral contamination from the non-Amish crew – and when his congregation starts flaunting their infidelity and drunkenness, there’s nothing liberating about it. It’s horrifying. There are terrifying scenes with the infected taunting survivors (“We found you!”) and there are nightmarish passages of survivors running through endless corridors.

Readers should know that among the infected and killed are animals. This leads to such rather delightful elements as a vampire goat but also to a lot of animal death. While children are not killed on the page, their deaths are implied. There is some discussion of Christianity (one of the crew members is a non-Amish Christian and there’s a lot of discussion about the differences between the Amish beliefs and more mainstream Christian beliefs) but the book isn’t terribly preachy. In one of may favorite moments it starts to cross the preachy line just as another crew member interrupts to ask if they can get back to vampire fighting.

This book earns a C+ for a couple of reasons. One is that the author has an odd tick in which a full sentence is frequently followed by a sentence fragment. This happens constantly and it’s awkward and irritating. Also, most of the characters, especially the crew members, could have used more nuance and development. As the story progresses, it runs off the rails (literally and figuratively) to a certain extent. Overall though, I have to hand the author my respect for patching all the motifs together in a way that pretty much works and that sincerely scared me. If nothing else, it’s fun to read something different, and something in which you can really see an author tackling a challenge.

An anecdote – I read this while flying home from RT and we hit some serious turbulence and I thought, “Oh God, I’m going to die. I’m going to die while reading Amish Vampires in Space.” Luckily I lived, and finished the book just as my luggage rolled of the baggage carousel – perfect timing. And yes, there’s a sequel, with zombies, to entertain me on my next flight.

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Amish Vampires in Space by Kerry Nietz

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  1. I am so glad you reviewed this! I really wanted to know what happened, but it sounded too horror-ish for me.

  2. Qualisign says:

    Having spent my working life in academia, I can report that some of the most interesting and innovative work I’ve done has been trying to build on (fulfill?) an intriguing abstract/title written months before the research has been begun. A wild title backed up by serious research is my catnip. Thanks so much for the excellent review! I will have to read this even though I find horror truly horrifying. Just won’t read it on a plane…

  3. J. Hooligan says:

    I’m glad it amused you. My opinion on the book came off differently than yours, although we started reading it for pretty much the same reason. (Fairly certain that’s why most people picked it up, if I’m honest)

    I personally really enjoyed the story progression with Jebediah. Although I read it as more his story with everything else as patches of background that came together to tell the complete story.

    Anyway, hope RT was awesome and you also enjoy the next book in the series.

  4. Ren Benton says:

    I was going to get this after the initial mention, but the “the presentation doesn’t do it justice, it’s not trashy camp at all” reviews steered me away.

    I wanted Amish Bruce Campbell fighting vampires in space and would have been disappointed.

  5. Megan M. says:

    “I’m going to die while reading Amish Vampires in Space.” Hahaha! I’m sure I would have had the same fear. Glad you made it!

    I’ve heard about this book before, but I can’t remember where. It’s interesting that the author chose to take the premise seriously (rather than going for camp) but while I enjoy some vampire stories, sci fi is just not for me.

  6. Hope says:

    This reminds me of Bimbos of the Death Sun, where the MC writes a serious, hard sci-fi novel and it is purchased by a publisher who names it Bimbos of the Death Sun and slaps a Franzetta-esque cover on it — only in reverse.

  7. Heather M says:

    I picked this up for my library a few years ago for similar reasons & felt pretty much the same. I was surprised at how *sincere* it was. I wanted a camp-fest, so there was a definite misalignment of priorities. Also, it was entirely too long. Hardly the worst book I’ve read, though, and the cover still leaves me in stitches.

  8. Ele says:

    My husband spotted this a while back, when we were competing to find the most out-there fiction on Amazon. (I was going with Chuck Tingle, or the sub-genre of alpha-billionaire-BDSM-werebears.)

  9. @Hope: I LOVE BIMBOS OF THE DEATH SUN! I read it before I’d ever attended a con, but it’s a million times funnier once you’ve had that experience. Zombies of the Gene Pool isn’t quite as good, but I still like it too. 🙂

  10. Angela Pratt says:

    I read this book because a fellow blogger tortured me into it . I was told it wasn’t campy and that it was serious so I knew what I was getting into. I thoroughly enjoyed the stort and learning about the Amish (he did research them for this and the next book. I stalked him on his website after reading it.)

    I don’t think the horror is too over the top when you’re dealing with space and vampires. I have read worse and thought the horror in this book was really nicely done.

    You’re review is very thorough and very well written. I enjoyed reading it. I love reading people’s reactions to this book after they read it and realize it’s not a campy type novel. Oh! And the Amish Bruce Campbell fighting vampires in space would be amazing (Ren). But I think it would probably be better as a movie.

  11. Hope says:

    @Floating Lush: Bimbos of the Death Sun is in my Top Ten. I LOVE THAT BOOK. I agree about Zombies of the Gene Pool; I think it is probably as good but it has a much different mood. I may have to re-read these books this weekend!

  12. …wow, that is an F+ title if I ever saw one.

  13. Nancy C says:

    This book first came to my notice last summer, and the woman who told me about it gave me a color copy of the cover which I have displayed in my office at work. When I heard it mentioned on the live podcast from RT, I cheered loudly. And I was thrilled to see that Carrie S had written a review to post here.

    I don’t know that I’ll ever read it–I would have preferred a campy approach, myself–but I’m happy to know that more people are aware of it now.

  14. Sarah says:

    Speaking of author tics… this isn’t related to this book, but in Christopher Stasheff’s The Warlock’s Last Ride (sf/fantasy) he uses the word “surprise” literally on every page or two. What makes it worse is that he misspelled it as “surprize” every single time. I didn’t notice it so much the first time because I was young, but I reread some years later and it drove me stark.raving.bonkers. How could that get through?? I loved that series but seriously. If I wasn’t invested by that point I would have thrown it at the wall.

  15. Lace says:

    @Hope, @Floating Lush – if you like con settings (I do – I should also reread Bimbos), Alma Alexander has a long novella called Abducticon, wherein an SF com has an SF thing happen to it. It’s not as funny as Bimbos, but it has its moments.

    OTOH, I was really excited for Nick Mamatas’ I Am Providence, set at an HP Lovecraft convention, but to my surprise I found it mean-spirited toward its con-goers.

  16. Jennifer in GA says:

    If wanting a book called AMISH VAMPIRES IN SPACE to be campy as hell is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. 😉

  17. Gloriamarie says:

    While I can’t say that I have any desire to read this book, I have had a what i think is a good idea for a novel but can’t interest anyone to actually write it.

    There is tension between the Endangered Species Act and whether or not wolves remain on it. So how about wolf-shifters and the ESA? They could be lobbyists or they could have to defend themselves against people who think all wolves kill cattle, sheep etc. It could even be a romance novel.

    Someone please, write it, all I ask is that it says based on an idea by me.

  18. Ren Benton says:

    @Gloriamarie: Someone already wrote it in 2014.

    Broken Wheel Wolves (Trilogy Bundle) (Werewolf Romance) Kindle Edition by Melissa F. Hart

    Now that wolves have been taken off the endangered species list, people are divided as to whether the wolves should be protected, destroyed, or simply left alone. Tasked with controlling the escalating tensions, Jade finds herself trying to make sense of seemingly unrelated crimes, while juggling her feelings for local rancher, Harlan Winters, and the mysterious, Irish wildlife biologist, Conall O’Faolán.

    https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Wolves-Trilogy-Werewolf-Romance-ebook/dp/B00HUI4FWO

    Haven’t read it, not endorsing it, and my eyebrows express skepticism that the entire “trilogy” is a whopping 77 pages long, but it’s a thing that exists.

    I’ve seen the wildlife conservation angle explored in a number of better known paranormal romance and urban fantasy books featuring shifters, but when a book/series exceeds a few dozen pages in length, it’s not a big enough plot thread to dominate the book description. Unfortunately, I can’t direct you to specific books, as my keeper shelf is light on werewolves (I’ve always been more Team Vampire…), but I’m sure there’s a Goodreads group that could guide you toward precisely what you seek.

  19. Gloriamarie says:

    @Ren Benton Ah. Thank you. A few decades ago, it occurred to me that it is probably impossible to have a 100% completely original thought.

    “the entire “trilogy” is a whopping 77 pages long,” That’s not a triology… that’s something in between a short story and a novella.

  20. Karen says:

    @floating lush, @hope @lace: continuing the books set at conventions digression, thanks for the recs! Whilst not all of it is set at a convention, I would add Deep Secret by Diana Wynne Jones to the list although it is fantasy not sci fi.
    @Carrie – thanks for the review, I’ve downloaded a sample to see if the fragments annoy me before I buy!

  21. ReneeG says:

    @floating lush, @hope, @lace, @Karen – books set at conventions digression: San Diego 2014: Last Stand of the California Browncoats by Mira Grant. A prequel-ish story attached to Grant’s Newsflesh trilogy, I loved it despite crying my eyes out.

    This is turning out to be quite the spendy day at Amazon for me!

  22. Books set at conventions – We’ll Always Have Parrots, by Donna Andrews is a murder mystery set at a convention for a cult TV series, and it’s hilarious, but also pretty affectionate.

  23. Curly says:

    Ok, I’m late to the party on this one, but is that a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover?

  24. Gloriamarie says:

    @Curly, I think you are right. It’s been bugging me who she reminded me of but the glint in the eyes throws me off.

  25. Maeve says:

    A better book with crazy title is Barbara Hambly’s Bride of the Rat God. It’s a standalone fantasy set in 1920s Hollywood, and awesome.

  26. Gloriamarie says:

    @Maeve, yes, Bride of the Rat God is wonderful.

  27. greennily says:

    I have to admire the author’s inventiveness but… I wish it was campy too… And with more romance.

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