Cover Snark: Best of 2017

NB: This week, we’re taking a look back at some of our favorite and our most popular pieces of writing this year. We’ve got a week of best-of posts to share, with reviews, cover snark, sales, and more. We hope you enjoy this saunter through the archives, and most of all, we wish you and yours a wonderful holiday and a happy new year – with all the very best of reading.

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To build suspense, I’ll be listing the top five Cover Snark posts in reverse order, meaning I’ll start with the fifth most popular and reveal the most popular one at the end! The top five is measured by the amount of page views and the best reader comments come from the number of heart upvotes a comment gets.

Now buckle in as we revisit the age of Cover Snarks past.

5. Cover Snark: He’s Just Got the One Dollar (July 10)

There’s a male stripper who is just trying his best and a hockey player who really needs to watch where he puts his skates.

Best reader comment is from Lunchable:

As someone who has an affinity for hammers, thank you, Amanda, for pointing out the ball peen/sledge discrepancy. Also, I want that necklace.

I choose to believe that Ball Peen has a bunch of sequel-bait friends, and they’re all part of a greater, hammer-themed strip troupe. There’s:

-Ball Peen: The “average joe” of the group. Nothing special upon first glance, but can probably fix your car and make you those custom closet shelves you’ve always dreamed of.

-Claw: The “dangerous” one. Has lots of tattoos and/or piercings. Probably dyes his hair black.

-Sledge: The “big” one. 6’8″ and built like a semi-truck. Unlike Mr. Hockey up there, never skips leg day.

-Chasing: The “geeky” one. May or may not be into steampunk. May or may not use a Super Nintendo controller in his routine.

-Planishing: The “posh” one. Demands that the dollar bills you throw at him be as crisp as the suit he strips off.

 

4. Cover Snark: Just a Little Bit Pregnant (August 28)

It’s possible that one of the cover models is a ghost, and there’s also a cowboy who is trying to play a baby like it’s a guitar.

Best reader comment is from SusanE:

My husband plays guitar as a hobby.

Me: I have a visual guitar question for you.

Him: A visual guitar?

Me: (sigh) Look at this picture. What chord is he playing?

(He gets out his guitar and starts experimenting.)

Him: B flat augmented?

Me: But see, you have these two fingers reversed.

(Several minutes of contortions and comparisons with the picture.)

Him: Ow. (shakes cramps out of his hand) Call it an A flat demented. I’m going to bed.

 

3. Cover Snark: Electric Wang-aloo (June 12)

A man is about to cut off his shoulder due to improper sword technique and there’s an optical illusion when it comes to a cover’s thumbnail image.

Best reader comment is from Colleen P:

The thing that bothered me the most is that anacondas are known for suffocating their prey, rather than using a venomous bite (not that they don’t bite at all). So when I read that it doesn’t bite, I can only think, “No shit, it’s an anaconda. Now I’m worried about being squeezed to death by your penis.”

 

 

 

 

2. Cover Snark: Hope You Have a Good Chiropractor (June 26)

In this one, we have a rather lengthy discussion about the biology of an odd, winged cover model. How does it all work?

Best reader comment is from Doug:

In the second image, the only context that makes sense is that he’s really obnoxiously mansplaining country music to her and she’s gearing up to punch him in the face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Cover Snark: So Much Burning (July 31)

Dangerous flatulence and unnecessary babies made this post the most viewed Cover Snark of 2017!

Best reader comment is from Ren Benton:

First dude’s pants are clearly made of baby. Instead of knit-to-woven, they’re baby-to-woven. When women bend down to coo in pantsbaby’s face, as long as they’re in the neighborhood, the wearer also introduces them to his penis.

I have a strong negative reaction to children on the cover of books with sex in them. It doesn’t automatically bother me if there are kids in the story (they can provide conflict, and conflict is what stories are made of), but there’s a visceral “nuh-uh” at the sight of one juxtaposed with the stock naked manchest and billionaire that are ubiquitous specifically because they are code for “sexy times inside (and probably BDSM if the guy’s in a suit).”

Or perhaps I’m just repelled by the sight of children. Either way, I never know what the hell the designer was thinking as I zoom right past “gettin’ sexy with kids” covers.

What do you think of the top five? Did you have a favorite Cover Snark post of this year that didn’t make the list?