Covers Gone Lindsey, Part Last

The Magic of You

The Magic of Being Sprayed By The Ocean While Scantily Clad

Sarah: The magic here is: how did the same cover models for Gentle Rogue get hired for another seafaring cover and STILL manage to look equally ridiculous?

What’s with the eyeshadow? Doesn’t that belt pinch? Where’s his shirt? What’s with the garter-showing pose, sans garter? And why is she in her undergarments while standing on what looks like a floating plank in a large storm at sea, with a ship coming apart behind her? And is he holding her up, or casting her overboard?

But by far the most pressing (har) question: DOES HE HAVE…CAMEL TOE?!

LOOKING INTO THE CAMEL TOE OF MADNESS

Ya’ll. Fabio is a GIRL.

Candy: Sarah, can I just say how very, very much it frightens me that you actually looked closely enough at the cover to discern the camel toe? I admire your bravery, while simultaneously hoping that Baby Bitchlette has not suffered any damage in utero.

Anyway: PEOPLE. Just because you’re stuck in the middle of a ship with God knows WHAT kind of rampaging, raping barbarian, does not mean you have leave to violate all rules of decent society and resort to that shade eyeshadow. There’s never any excuse for that color eyeshadow. Or those camel toe-inducing pants. *shudder*

I’m also amazed at the power of Fabio’s breath. Judging by the way her hair is flying around willy nilly, that’s some exhaling power he’s got there.

This cover also receives my nomination for the Darwin Awards, because y’all, that HUGE MOTHERFUCKING WAVE that’s partially obscuring the helm looks like it’s going to sweep Our Not Particularly Intrepid Lovers into Davy Jones’s Locker any second now. Maybe that’s why she’s raising her skirt? She’s trying to pacify Neptune’s wrath or something? Because it sure as shit can’t be for Fabio’s benefit. He seems particularly fascinated with her hairline. Probably trying to discern what kind of product she uses by smell.

When Love Awaits

When The Garden Hose Awaits

Sarah: This cover wishes so hard that it was Klimt’s The Kiss, only done in that weird 70’s style romance cover.

Summon the royal chiropractor! His neck! Her neck! My neck, from looking too closely at them! Hie thee, chiropractor!

And summon the surgeon, for he appears to have stabbed her in the crotch with his massive sword. No, not that sword, the other one.

Candy: This cover wins the prize for “Best Placement of Strategically Fluttery Pieces of Cloth.”  I’m also trying way, way too hard to figure out why Stud McMuffin is naked in the garden with none of his armor anywhere in sight except for his helm (those empty, creepy eyes, boring in my brain, eeeeegah) while still holding on to his sword. I mean, he loves his sword so much, he can’t bear to let go of it to ravish his lady fair. That’s some serious sword-love goin’ on.

You Belong to Me

All Your Base Are Belong to Fabio

Sarah: This is among the more bizarre Lindsey Fabio covers. I wonder if Fabio is famous because of all these Lindsey covers? I mean, someone’s buying her books – probably the same people who are buying Cassie Edwards’ books. Maybe their collective readership is keeping Fabio in business.

This cover has such a hodgepodge of bizarre elements. What’s with her pose – what are they kneeling on? Are they inside, with a wind machine, or outside a wall? Does he ever have a shirt? Why isn’t she wearing a bra? Or a chemise? Or even a corset? Is this a contemporary?

And finally, what’s with that horse?

I know! I know! A nuclear detonation has been sighted on the horizon, and the air displacement has begun to ruffle their hair – and knock that horse straight up in the air. He’s been caught before his hooves leave the ground. In the last frantic moments, it’s nookie-on-the-fur-coat time.

Candy: Hahahahahaha.

Sorry. I can’t get over the horse. He looks so STARTLED. I mean, he’s so startled that his forelock is standing on end. Like “Holy shit, I’m on a Fabio cover! My reputation will never recover! I hope to God mother never sees what I’ve had to resort to to keep myself in timothy and alfalfa hay!”

Hahahahahahaha.

Anyway, that chick? She does NOT look happy. Can’t blame her; looks like Fabio’s about to give her a circumorbital hematoma with his chin. Or maybe Fabio has released some truly vicious Savage Thunder. That would explain why their hair is flying around in an apparently enclosed space.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Wendy Duren says:

    You’d think with pants that tight, Fabio would have an ALMOND JOY.  He does look suspiciously shaftless, doesn’t he?

  2. 2
    Candy says:

    He’s not just shaftless—he’s joyfully cleftful. Almost makes me want to rescind CW’s title and give it to him. ALMOST.

  3. 3
    Sarah says:

    He sure does have the Cleft du Joie, doesn’t he? I mean, he could store emergency provisions in that chasm.

    Dang. But no “dong.”

  4. 4
    HelenKay says:

    Since I always assumed Fabio was dickless that one doesn’t shock me.  The disturbing one is the When Love Awaits cover – what in the hell is going on there?  Why is he naked, where is the bottom of that sword and what the hell is up with that woman’s hair?  I almost want to go read this book to see what’s happening with these two morons.  Almost.

  5. 5
    Sarah says:

    I bet she’s related to that Silver Angel chick. It’s not so much albinoism as it is a stunning amount of premature grey hair, with savage and curly length to boot.

  6. 6
    E.D'Trix says:

    As usual, I must chime in with my way less funnier observations.

    The Magic of You:

    Holy crotch close up, Batman! I was forced to look at it hypnotically until I discovered the mega zoom camel-toe looks like a lovingly drawn rendition of my friends cat, appropriately named Crusty.

    Also, it looks like Fab is a bit confused as to the location of the heroines ta-ta’s, as he is passionately squeezing and tweaking her upper arms. No wonder she’s taking matters into her own hands.

    When Love Awaits:

    Well, it is obvious what happened here. The heroine interrupted the hero as he was waiting for his lovah, Hans. All the signs are present:
    1. Helm with a brightly burning “flame”? Check.
    2. Downthrust sword indicating the loooove doctor is in? Check.
    3. Buck naked for easy access? Check.

    If you look closely you can probably see the outline of Hans waiting in the bushes. “Damn Jack, I told him he didn’t need a beard!”

    You Belong to Me:

    Fabio: “Here my lahvely leeetle doe, wear my pirate shirt to keep your booosoms warm. No, no, that is not how you put it on. You must entrap zee arms like so, and reeep the shirt half off so that your chest spills free. Yes. Better… Now, here is how you toss zee hair…like so…”

    White Stallion: “Son of an effing bitch! I told casting I would make the perfect hero, but no, gotta go for the rancid blond boob. Well I’ll show them! You want hair tossing? Look at this, bitches!”

  7. 7
    Sarah says:

    Seriously, there is going to be a grudge match between Fabio and that horse for hair-tossing studlyness.

    I say 2-1 odds on the horse.

  8. 8
    Sarah says:

    And E.D’T – you are SO right about Fabio’s shirt lessons. In fact, if Candy and I ever put up photos, we are so posing with the Seinfeld puffy shirt in an off-the shoulder Fabio pose. Might need flesh colored leotards underneath, with muscles painted on, and those big ol’ traffic light nipples, too.

    Ok, it is officially time for me to go to bed.

  9. 9
    Amy E says:

    Yeah, my money’s so on the horse. Hahahaha!

    On The Magic Of You’s cover—what is UP with her Skin Of Death?  I’m a nurse, I’ve seen the newly dead.  That chick is NOT a healthy color.  Creamy white thighs, you say?  No, that’s the cold, lifeless, cyanotic pallor of recent demise.  Those stiff arms?  Obviously rigor mortis.  The face?  Rictus of death.  Get the CSI people over here, stat!

    Maybe Fabulous is so tired of the ladies mocking his camel-toe deformity that he’s resorting to necromania.  “Ah, the ship is sinking, no one will know if I keep this corpse for my very own…”

  10. 10
    AngieW says:

    The funniest thing in this whole entry? “Baby Bitchlette” *snort* Poor baby!

  11. 11
    Ankah says:

    Does the woman in Magic For You know that some other bitch not only stole her man, but her dress as well?

    http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/the_legend_of_partially_shaven_hairy_goat_man/

  12. 12
    Sarah says:

    Amy, you might be right. Rigor mortis might explain that weird pose, too.

  13. 13
    white raven says:

    Sarah’s remarks concerning that last Lindsey cover had me laughing.  All I kept thinking of was the movie Dogma.  Near the end, when they all the thought the end of the world was at their doorstep, Jay starts stripping down to his skivvies, all ready to have that last fuck he was so eagerly looking forward to with Bethany (the last scion).  I wonder what Jay would look like in skin-tight black leather pants?

  14. 14
    Robyn says:

    Why does the When Love Awaits chick make me think of Barbra Streisand in the sixties? Couldn’t be the bad hair, the “doe eyes” eyeshadow and the huge nose, could it? Nah…

  15. 15
    Sarah says:

    OH my GOSH Robyn you are so on to something there.

    Check it out.

    She’s either awating some love, or some eye makeup remover.

  16. 16
    Amy E says:

    That picture of Barb looks so cross-eyed.

  17. 17
    Missie says:

    When Love Awaits? Awaits What?

    For her:
    1. A hot oil treatment?
    2. A blowdryer with diffuser attachment?
    3. An appointment with a good stylist?
    4. A close friend who is honest enough to say, “honey, that color and cut are not for you”?

    For him:
    1. His squire bearing gifts of clothing?
    2. His mom running up with an afghan screaming, “dear, put this on before you catch a chill”?
    3. A casting director looking for extras for the new Britney video? “Now where are we gonna find some more guys willing to run around half naked and sweaty for a few bucks?
    4. And most importantly, a good opthalmologist to operate on his burned retinas—her hair is really really bright!

  18. 18
    Robyn says:

    Missie, that’s hysterical!

    I just now noticed his scary skeletal hand around her waist. What’s up with that? Did her stiff Aquanet hair products shrivel it, or is he actually a weird cultist who lured her to the lands beyond the castle to sacrifice her or something?

  19. 19
    Missie says:

    Robyn,
    You are right. Did you check out her hand? It’s all kinda bony and scary looking. Is she related to the Olsen Twins? She needs to eat a few Ho-Hos.

    Also, what is up with the sleeve on her dress? It makes me think of those pod-hatchy thingies in the Alien movies. Some slimy monster is going to burst out of her sleeve any minute and eat the hero….

    Lastly, and most importantly, if a man so in love with sunless tanner and a woman who glows in the dark have a baby, will it have normal flesh colored skin or be pigmentally challenged? Just wondering…..

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