C
Genre: Paranormal, Romance
Theme: Second Chance, Secret Baby/Surprise Pregnancy, Were/Shifters
Archetype: Writer/Author/Librarian
a.k.a. Pandagate: A Drama In Three Acts
Act One: That Bear Has Seen Some Shit
Interior, day. Smart Bitches HQ. It’s a large room filled floor to ceiling with books, like the library in Beauty and the Beast. Many of them are pink. Between shelves, there is an occasional tasteful painting of nipples shaped like fruit.
The Bitchery are draped across various large fluffy chairs, reading or napping. Elyse is curled up on a sofa in one corner with a rum and Diet Coke, watching the Bachelor.
Enter Sarah, carrying a fresh load of cover snark candidates. She drops them on a table in the center of the room and clears her throat. The others perk up and turn to her.
Sarah:
From Erin: “I would like to recommend a cover for cover snark. I came across it at 3:30 am while looking for a new book on my library app. This was not a gift I expected my insomnia to give me, hopefully it doesn’t haunt my dreams when I finally sleep.”
Sarah:
That bear has seen some shit.
Shana:
That bear…what in the world?
Carrie:
Hey man, I would totally read a book about that bear. 100%.
Shana:
If the panda comes up to his nipples, is it really a baby?
Carrie:
Maybe the writer is very short.
Enter AJ, stage left, burdened with glorious purpose and unfortunately insatiable curiosity.
AJ:
I had to Google it because I was like, “There better be an EXTREMELY good explanation for why a white dude in what appears to be Canada has come into possession of a giant panda.” AND THERE IS. You guys … it’s a paranormal
It’s also $3.99 on Kindle and I kind of think I have to.
Carrie:
DO IT DO IT DO IT
AJ:
Act Two: But Why Is He a Panda
Interior, night. AJ’s house. They are curled up on the couch with an ancient Kindle. A tortoiseshell cat purrs on their knees.
AJ:
Tea: brewed. Kindle: charged. Commence Operation Panda Guy.
Okay, so we’re starting with backseat sex. Somebody better hit their head on a door handle or this is NOT going to be believable. Oh, and you’re planning to leave forever after you bone and not even tell her? Real nice, dude. I’m definitely rooting for your HEA.
Enter Sarah and Sneezy, off to one side, still examining the cover.
Sneezy:
WHAT’S THIS WHITE DUDE DOING WITH A PANDA IN NO-BAMBOO LAND?????
Also, I think it’ll be of everyone’s interest to know panda in Chinese is 貓熊 which transliterates to Cat Bear
CAT
BEAR
Sarah:
Cat bear.
Sneezy waves a hand and a large screen appears.
Sneezy:
I’m sure you can all see the resemblance.
Sarah:
Those are balls. Can’t fool me. Floofy rolly balls.
Sneezy:
Ah – But how were those balls made? A lesser fool would tell you it was sex, and a greater fool would admit it that to do with cats, bears, and lots of food
Don’t you ever wonder why your cats are always hungry?
Sarah:
You make a good point.
Sarah and Sneezy exit, taking the cat bears with them.
AJ (reading):
Cool, it’s four years later and our heroine has a kid. We got a secret baby! The kid goes to shapeshifter preschool, which sounds fucking adorable, can I hear more about that? Nope, we’re just dropping that tidbit and moving on. Fine, I guess.
But is the book going to explain why shapeshifters exist and everyone seems to know about them … also no? Okay.
So our heroine Alicia got pregnant and abandoned, and in the last four years she’s set herself up with a robust support system, a steady job, and is raising a toddler who can turn into a panda. Hell yes, good for her! We are so Team Alicia.
AJ sips their tea and turns the page. The cat purrs.
AJ:
Ah, and now our hero is back in town, bein’ all broody and mysterious. And they’re snowed in, too? I need a bingo card.
What’s he gonna do when he finds out he has a kid? Oh – run away. Classic whatsisname. Cade, is that his name? Honestly, I don’t care. We are not Team Cade.
Okay, he just ran off for a second and now he’s going back. Looks like he’s into the parent thing. We’ll see … you’re on thin ice, dude. But at least he’s doing well with his son … oh. Oh man.
AJ lowers the book and starts laughing uncontrollably.
He begged to let the toddler stay up late! She said okay but you’re getting up with him, and then in the morning dude is wrecked and she’s like “What did we learn?” Oh my god, Alicia, you are my favorite. Forget this loser and marry me. I’ll raise your panda babies.
And now kiddo is crying because he wants his blue train but he doesn’t want anyone to give it to him. Oof, too real, this author knows toddlers. Honestly I’m more invested in whether he gets his nap than whether his parents go to Bonetown.
… is this a sign that I’m getting old?
They frown, then shrug. A few more sips of tea, a few more pages turned. Finally AJ looks up.
You know, Junie, this really isn’t bad. If you can overlook the lack of pandas, the characters are pretty good and the pacing is working fine. The whole secret baby/second chance thing isn’t my catnip –
Junie, perking up:
Mrrrrrr?!
AJ:
Figure of speech, sorry baby.
Junie:
Mrr. (She settles down, grumpily.)
AJ:
It’s not my … cup of tea … but someone who’s into that would probably quite enjoy it. Now let’s see why he ran away and never came home. Oh, I see, because his dad was a criminal … wait. They did what?
Junie:
Mrrrow?
AJ:
You’re right. I need to go tell the Bitches about this immediately.
Act Three: Return of the Cat Bear
Interior, night. Smart Bitches HQ. Enter AJ, veiled in black, holding a large handkerchief. Carrie, Sneezy and Lara look up.
AJ:
I regret to inform you all that it was an extremely standard “secret baby/second chance” plot with shapeshifting sorta … shoehorned in? There is NO explanation at all as to a) why the hero is a shifter or b) if he MUST be a shifter, why the fuck he’s a panda.
HOWEVER, there is one good part: the hero’s dad was a criminal who wanted the two of them to rob a bank by shifting into their bear forms to scare the teller. I don’t know if the dad forgot they were pandas or what, but I sure do love the mental image of two pandas trying to rob a bank!
Carrie:
So…in the context of the title, The Writer’s Baby Bear, the writer is the panda? And the panda is…sexy?
AJ:
The panda is the writer and, allegedly, sexy.
Carrie:
Does the writer do anything as a panda? Is there panda sex? Is the bank robbed?
AJ:
He shifts into a panda and runs away into the snow for about five minutes when he finds out he has a kid. Then he turns back into a human and goes back to the house naked. The heroine loans him sweatpants. That is the entirety of the panda content.
The bank does not get robbed, he changes his mind at the last minute when he finds out his dad was planning to pin the crime on him because uhhh, no one will remember how many pandas they saw?
That summary of the plan sounds like I’m making it up but I swear, it’s from the book. “We’ll both be bears and afterwards we’ll pretend it was just one bear the whole time so we can blame it all on him.”
I don’t think dad was a very successful criminal tbh.
Also, the book never calls him a panda. He’s only described as a bear. His kid is a panda, so he must ALSO be a panda, but it never actually says.
Lara:
AJ, first of all, you’re doing the lord’s work for us here and I salute you. Second, the people need to know! It feels wrong to keep this panda content secret.
AJ:
Hmm … I may have the beginnings of a scheme for this. I’m gonna need a bank, two pandas, and — wait, no, wrong notebook.
Sneezy:
No, no, this is the right notebook! Are you sure you only need two pandas?
Carrie:
No one only needs two pandas.
AJ:
This is why you guys are better criminal masterminds than the panda guy’s dad. What every scheme needs is MOAR PANDAS
Sneezy:
YES!!!!!! And every panda gets TWO FLAMETHOWERS!!!!!!!!!!
Because that’s how fire proofing works
AJ:
Sounds legit to me. Fight fire with fire and eventually, nothing will be flammable anymore!
Sneezy:
Perfect plan!!!!!
Not even the evidence would be flammable anymore. Nothing like many panda footprints in a pit of ash where a bank used to be to indicate, “It wasn’t me, no panda was here.”
AJ:
… Honestly, this sounds like a better book than the one I read.
AJ pulls out a notebook and starts scribbling.
The End
… OR IS IT? Stay tuned for The Smart Bitches’ Flamethrower Pandas, coming soon to a bookstore near you.
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Now I want a thriller about panda shifter trafficking because they’re obviously more successful breeders than all-the-time pandas, and where there is value, there is crime.
Can we have day trips to the SB HQ? I mean, I already wanted to hang out with you’ll before I learned about the library.
This glorious review in three acts – with bonus tortie cat content – is easing the angst of having to work on this US holiday Monday.
this is hilarious! I love it!
I, too, am interested in visiting the SB library pls.
As for the book, I might track this one down just for the kid. I like stories where it’s obvious that the author has met an actual child. There’s a Caitlin Crews book in which, as is usual for a Crews hero, the H is a terrible person. He discovers he has a child, and effectively kidnaps him. Instead of the child being plot-moppety and cute and bringing his parents together through his infant wisdom and adorability, he acts like a five-year-old demon, does weird & inexplicable stuff, and develops illnesses that disappear as quickly as they arrive, leaving the child in bouncing health and the parents wrecked and terrified. Even though I hated the H for most of the book, I still nodded in (very slight) sympathy at times.
This is gold. Panda content baffling and properly snarked, cat content on point.
Thank you for linking to the nipples appreciation post.
This post has everything: torties, pandas, cover snark, lessons in Chinese, flamethrowers, tons of Smart Bitches, criminal anti-masterminds, nipples that look like fruit…
Love the review, and am dying for more Smart Bitches HQ content!
The panda looks demonic.
That panda looks as confused as the rest of us over the lack of panda content. It’s expression says, “WTF? Why am I here? Why am I a panda and is this guy a writer? MOOOOOOM!”
In a world where there is shape shifter day care, you would think people wouldn’t be as afraid of bears robbing banks. I imagine there are people who just go about their day in a fur suit. Kind of a more socially acceptable nudist.
Thank you for the delightful review. Despite loving shifter books it sounds like this is “not for me”, but thank you for bringing us your thoughts. I think shifter daycare would be a nightmare for the staff, managing predator/prey separation as well as developmental stage… but I would read books about the staff 😀
Did they eat as they were robbing the bank? You know how a panda robs a bank, of course–a panda eats, shoots and leaves
FABULOUS review, had me in stitches.
This review is one of the best things I’ve ever read on the internet.
…
The actual book is of no interest, but thanks anyway!
AJ, you are the bestest. Thank you so much for starting my day with a hearty and much needed snort-laugh. This review takes me back in the best way. Humor is what first drew me to SB-TB and I miss the posts where the seeth of reader outrage was leavened by the ability to point and laugh. And sometimes–the pointing and laughing is everything.
Sorry can’t imagine watching Panda documentaries in the future without wondering what shenanigans they would pull off in order to create a diversion to rob a bank. Do they perform the Dance of Shiva with many Panda arms and then morph from one to two, and hand over the robbery demand note – This is a stickup. Give me $10,000 and somebody carry all those ornamental bamboo trees in the atrium to my truck? Don’t think I will read the book, but thank you so much for today’s giggle.
I think they should use the flame thrower to burn the book and go to the zoo to watch real pandas… they’re cute as hell.
This review style is also cute as hell… do it again, please.
For those of you now jonesing to read a shifter romance truly centered around a shifter daycare, I present to you Wolf’s Instinct by Elva Birch (who also writes as part of the Zoe Chant pen name). The series is actually called Day Care for Shifters, although this is the only book released so far. It’s low angst, low conflict, and chock full of adorable shifter children. Sadly, no pandas, but there’s an owl shifter, a squirrel shifter, and several other cuties.
That there was a thing of beauty! One of Thee. Best. reviews I have ever read.
Second book in Shelly Laurenston’s Honey Badger Chronicles series, “In a Badger Way” has a panda shifter hero. No secret panda babies though.
Agree with all the other comments. Also, I would read the shit out of the Smart Bitches Flamethrower Pandas. You can’t tease us like that and not write it!
Would 100% read a book about a shifter daycare.
And the speculation on whether or not H is a panda suddenly got me thinking about shifting as recessive genes, and now I want to see, like, punnett squares of shifter genotypes. MUST a panda always beget a panda? What if there’s some other bear back in the line? What if Mom has some shifter DNA she doesn’t know about? Gimme the science in your worldbuilding, shifter authors.
This was hugely entertaining. Thank you, @AJ!
It is surely only a matter of time before there is a Zoe Chant book about panda shifters, if there hasn’t been already. I can imagine the argument between the hero and his inner panda. The hero just wants to get things done and the panda wants to eat all the bamboo in the world.
This is the best review I have ever read. ::wipes tears::
“Sarah and Sneezy exit, taking the cat bears with them.”
Would that be exit pursued by cat bears?
*crickets*
Thank you I’ll be here all week, remember to tip your bitches!
@Courtney M – yep! Laurenston Does Pandas Right!
Shen and the Bag of Bamboo, scaring off the bears.
Shen… when he figures out he’s The House and Stevie is the stray cat.
Shen… being Shen.
Their babies: genius, panda-badger-tiger hybrids (with Freddy’s fucked-up genes making an appearance)!! (grabs popcorn and awaits shenanigans)
SBs -this review had me screeching! Thank you for a snowy Friday laugh!
xoxo
@Heather M – if you’ve not read any Shelly Laurenston, check her out! She does an excellent job with the (her) science. Lots of hybrids, lots of DNA, no daycare (unless I missed that) but lots of babysitting and devoted parents losing track of their hybrid children at the Sports Center when the kids start to showcase ‘unusual’ skills.
Typical day in the hysterical and fabulous Laurenston oeuvre.
xoxo
Empress, which Crews book is that?
AJ, best review ever.
Thank you, Dearest Bitches. That was wonderful. Even better than reading about a Bachelor episode I didn’t watch!
Hysterical! The greatest review I’ve read! Thanks for taking one for the team.
oh, wow!
Lake, I haven’t read it, but looks like The Return of the di Sione Wife.
Apologies for being pedantic, but you got the Chinese characters backwards – pandas are actually bear cats, not cat bears.