Book Review

Oppressed in the Butt by My Inclusive Holiday Cups by Chuck Tingle

Well, this didn’t take long.

It has been brought to our attention that the ever-reliable Chuck Tingle has a new book out, Oppressed in the Butt by My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups. Because I feel that parody coffee cup porn is the perfect response to the ridiculous Starbucks coffee cup outrage, I volunteered to review the 4,700 word “book.” I even kind of enjoyed it. My mother must be so proud.

I’m just going to walk you through this, and yes, there will be spoilers.

The story is told in first-person narration by Jabua. Jabua loves Christmas. Specifically, he loves shopping at the mall. He has a policy not to drink any of Starbutt’s holiday drinks until the chain releases their holiday cups. One year, he decides to maximize his Christmas spirit by waiting in line overnight so he can be the very first Christmas Cup recipient. Yes, the coffee shop is named Starbutts, because the writer, like me, is apparently has the sense of humor of a twelve year old. My reaction to ‘Starbutts’ is as follows:

 

 

We are just a few pages into the book before Our Hero is dreaming about shirtless Jesus and Santa (they are described as “ripped”). This leads to a nightmarish sequence in which Santa gives our hero a cup of reindeer blood. Strangely, no sex acts are involved. I did not understand this dream and frankly although the Fires of Hell are being prepped for me just for thinking this, I feel a little cheated that there was no Jabua/Jesus/Santa action. But it was not to be.

Jabua wakes up and gets his Christmas Blend, but he’s so horrified to see that his cup is just a plain red cup (no snowflakes or other embellishments) that he passes out. When he wakes up, every time he thinks about the cup he either goes into cardiac arrest or starts to cry. Which leads to this conversation between Nurse Keenankle and Jabua:

“Starbutts is trying to make this season for everyone instead of just Christians. They’re oppressing me!”

“Well, I mean, does it really matter what the cup looks like?” Keenankle asks. “It’s just a cup.”

“Yes, it matters,” I retort. “I didn’t expect you to understand. These are my Christmas Cups! Don’t you understand that? Christmas is the only time that us Christians are not an oppressed minority and now they’re trying to take that away from us too!”

“I don’t know about that,” the nurse says skeptically.

“It’s true!” I tell her. “You’ll never understand until you’ve lived it, but it’s absolutely true and it’s not fair!”

“Well, alright sir,” Keenankle offers, “let’s just try not to get so worked up about the cup, though, okay? We don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Dear Nurse Keenankle, you are a voice of sanity in a mad world. Marry me.

Before you know it, Jabua is under observation at the hospital, where he has lots of supporters on social media and yet he can’t stop fantasizing about the new cup. Specifically, he can’t stop fantasizing about submerging his penis in a cup of coffee.

Maybe it’s cold in the hospital, I don’t know. Maybe his penis is sleepy.

Anyway, in a sudden swivel to the extremely surreal, he is visited by a group of coffee cups. Yep. Talking coffee cups. The cups are the holiday cups, but they are large and for reasons I fail to comprehend, they can talk, and they have faces, and they have penises, which answers my very, very ill-advised question, “How is this dude supposed to have group anal sex with coffee cups?” Now I know.

The cups bear no ill will towards Jabua. They want to make sure he’s OK. And he (homophobically) confesses his attraction:

“Can I be honest? I’ve always been really turned on by the holiday cups, not in a gay way or anything because I’m totally straight and I know all cups are dudes,” I admit. “I’ve always been able to keep it under wraps though, until now…This new design is just so nice, so sensual…so forbidden.”

An aside: First of all, I’d think coming out as bisexual (Jabua is married, apparently happily, to a woman, so I’m thinking he’s bi as opposed to gay) would be no big whoop after coming out as coffee-cup-oriented.

Secondly, I would have thought all cups would be dudettes, with the inside of the cup representing the vagina. I’ve never put any thought into cup gender before, but like all great works of literature, this book makes you look at the world around you in a new way. Maybe the author wanted to avoid being too obvious. Maybe gay holiday cup porn sells better than other kinds of porn. I don’t know. But the cups are dudes and they have penises. Also they are very sturdy, which is about to become important because if they had the structural integrity of a normal disposable cup then the scene which is about to take place would be less of a sex scene and more a scene of horrible mass murder.

This hospital visit leads to a very prolonged, explicit, messy, and joyful (and refreshingly consensual) group sex session, and I have to say that I am eternally grateful for the line, “Slam me full of your promotional holiday spirit!”

I also treasure the line, “Let’s make it a double shot, boys!” Behold, my Christmas card slogan for the year.

And… that’s the end of the story. Jabua has fabulous group sex and changes his mind about the whole holiday cup issue.

Spoiler alert, here’s the end of the book:

I close my eyes and smile warmly, finally understanding the true meaning of the holiday spirit. It’s not about who can spend the most money at the mall, or who can get the most upset by someone saying, “Happy Holidays,” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

No, what the holidays are really about is who can get pounded in the butt by a cup that represents not just one holiday, but every holiday. It’s about having an open heart, and an open butt.

 

The End.

Here’s the thing – this story is completely transparent about what it’s about and what you are going to get. It says how many words it is right there on Amazon, so it’s not tricking you into spending $3 on what you think is a novel. It involves a gay coffee cup orgy – says so right there on Amazon. So while I wouldn’t, in the normal run of my day, buy a short story with quite so much semen in it, I wasn’t shocked – I got what it said I would get. I was a little disappointed that the sex was with cups with penises, though. It seems like a cheat. Frankly, and I’m not proud of this, my big question was “How goes a guy have a coffee cup orgy, anyway? Does he just…what? Stick them up his butt one by one? How would this work?” It’s actually totally normal gay sex, only with a lot of participants. Once things get going, the fact that the penises are attached to coffee cups (human sized, talking coffee cups) is pretty incidental. The sex is, anatomically speaking, very enthusiastic, and very detailed, but it’s not super creative.

There’s one great thing, though, that I did not expect, and that is that this story is genuinely funny and clever. From Nurse Keenankle’s response to Jabua’s final epiphany, the story contains some pretty sharp satire, and has actually a rather nice message about inclusiveness, even though in Jabua’s case the word “inclusive” carries with it some unusual sexual connotations. I realize mileage varies when it comes to humor, but when Jabua said, “Slam me full of your promotional spirit!” I just cracked up.

I have no idea how to grade this. Would I recommend it? Not unless you really want to read a story that consists at least fifty percent of a coffee cup orgy – and if you do, I’m not judging. I’m just saying that I wouldn’t recommend this based solely on the humor, or the plot, or because the sex is so explicit and raunchy. The story ends incredibly abruptly. It doesn’t make any sense, but again, you can tell from the title that it won’t make sense so it’s not like you’ve been conned into thinking you were reading a documentary about cup fetishes.

Frankly, the book, even the orgy, makes more sense than the whole coffee cup political drama makes in real life.

On the other hand, I assumed the story would be just plain awful, and instead it was truly funny. It’s the Inclusive Coffee Cup story we deserve – very irreverent, very silly, and with the sweetest message one can hope for in a story that includes many pages of group anal sex with coffee cups.

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Oppressed in the Butt by My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups by Chuck Tingle

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  1. Doug Glassman says:

    Chuck Tingle’s book covers are brilliant executions of Poe’s Law: you can never tell if they’re actual stories or just parody Photoshops. I hadn’t realized that this book existed until this review; I thought someone had made it up as a joke.

  2. Lostshadows says:

    I think I’m going to start recommending this book anytime the phrase “war on Christmas” turns up.

  3. Heather T says:

    I think I just got a core workout from laughing so hard.

  4. You reviewed it!! Yay! I didn’t want to actually read the book, just a review of it, and this was most entertaining 🙂

    I read the title of the book to my husband, but since I have laryngitis right now, he didn’t understand what I was saying, and it took several back-and-forths for him to understand. Which kind of ruined the fun of it.

  5. SeventhWave says:

    I’m sorely tempted to just post the Amazon purchase link to this book anytime anyone on my FB feed posts ANYTHING about the holiday cup fiasco!

    Thanks for reviewing, it made my morning!

  6. Elyse says:

    I love you, Carrie.

  7. Curtis says:

    Best review I’ve read in a long time! Thank you.

  8. rachel says:

    I think it might actually be free if you have Kindle Unlimited. Ya know, just sayin’.

  9. matt says:

    ok so a few things:

    1. Thank you for this, I was just in tears at my desk at work reading this. I’m not sure who is funnier, you or the author of this book but I now love you both.

    2. I believe the cups had to be gay just so it would be an even better contrast to all the conservatives freaking out about the cups in the first place.

    3. How could you say a man getting gang banged by a bunch of talking, person-sized coffee cups with dicks is not super creative?

    I can’t say I’ve ever read any gay romance novels, or any romance novels for that matter (except for “I don’t care if my best friend’s mom is a sasquatch, she’s hot and i’m taking a shower with her” which is the greatest literary work of the past 50 years…but I digress) but I’m pretty sure there aren’t any other novels that involve a group sex scene involving 1 man getting what I assume is penetrated by multiple giant, talking, dick wielding coffee cups.

  10. Ren says:

    This might be Chuck Tingle’s greatest novel yet, thanks for the review.

  11. Crystal says:

    Who knew that it would be Chuck Tingle that gave us the response that really illustrated just how asinine this “controversy” is? Thanks, Chuck! Oh, and thank you for reviewing it. I needed that laugh.

  12. Megan M. says:

    THANK YOU FOR THIS! Someone shared a photo of the book cover on Twitter the other day and I about lost it from laughing so hard! I’d heard of Chuck Tingle’s other titles before so I totally believed it, but I hadn’t actually read one of his books. This review is wonderful.

  13. Anne says:

    ” I wouldn’t, in the normal run of my day, buy a short story with quite so much semen in it…”
    A candidate for best review quote of the year?

  14. Cat says:

    I am so very OVER this Starbucks cup thing. NOBODY was outraged, NOBODY cared, it was ALL a Parody Site that decided to have a little fun and then a moron who runs a click bait site decided it would be a great way to make money and took the fairly funny parody site’s story and sent it out as if it was true! and then very stupid Donald Trump was also duped by the parody site and thought it was true and commented on it. What a moron! I am a Christian and I could care less about what Starbucks puts on their holiday cups and I do not know a single person, Christian or otherwise who does care what they put on their holiday cups! http://thefederalist.com/2015/11/10/nobody-is-actually-upset-about-the-starbucks-cup-stop-saying-otherwise/ and here http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/blog/nobody-cares-about-the-starbucks-cups-they-do-care-about-money/ and lots of other places if anyone cared enough to actually check it out to see if it was true or just parody before they tittered.

  15. Kate says:

    Laughing so hard at this review! May I just say that I’m impressed that the author managed to cram so much plot into 4700 words. I just wrote an essay that length and didn’t manage to fit anywhere near the amount that happened in this story into my essay!

  16. Cups are traditionally coded female.
    Male = spear & sword, female = distaff & cauldron. Big pot, cup… same hollowed out difference. See also Xena’s yonic chackram.

  17. L. says:

    Is that Tom Brokaw’s face on the giant coffee cup?

  18. SQ says:

    Oh… my… goodness.

    Thanks – reading this review just turned around a not so great day.

  19. Susan says:

    Tingle all the way! This takes the cup. (Bad puns intended.) 🙂

    Seriously, as a Christian, I’ve just never felt that Christmas had anything to do with Starbucks, coffee, or cups. This is faux outrage generated by people for agendas that have nothing to do with the spirit of Christmas. STFU.

  20. giddypony says:

    Dear god, so so so so funny. A great review!

  21. Reynardo says:

    I don’t feel a need to read this, but I *am* amused that Pharyngula’s review was right beside yours. Were you two collaborating?

  22. Erin says:

    I am snorting and crying in my office (at the library) reading this!

  23. Kirky says:

    Love this review. It sums up why I follow this blog! Thanks for taking one for the team and entertaining us with the experience.

    Probably going to crack up every time I hear someone order a double shot or talk about holiday spirit from now on.

  24. Margaret says:

    Can’t….stop….laughing…

    I might get this, as a cheesy Christmas present to myself.

  25. Adeliza says:

    I’m almost afraid to read any of these books because I get such a kick out the covers and blurbs, and reading them might ruin it for me.

    Is it weird that I think this guy could actually be some kind of genius?

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