Book Review

Newt’s Emerald by Garth Nix

It’s pretty easy to write a glowing review or a scathing review – but writing a “meh” review is truly tricky. No one wants to read a review that goes, “IDK, it was fine, whatever.” However, my feelings about Newt’s Emerald are basically, “IDK, it was fine, whatever.”

Newt’s Emerald is a Regency romance with magic, which is totally my catnip. It also has a heroine who dresses as a guy for strategic reasons, which is not my catnip but I know is catnip for many, many readers. If you are one of these readers, be advised that Truthful maintains her male disguise with the help of an enchanted fake mustache. Ignore the rest of this review. Off you go to your nearest and dearest bookseller or library or whatever – you and I both know you won’t be able to rest until you’ve read about the cross-dressing Regency magic mustache gambit. Godspeed.

Truthful is a Regency ingénue whose family possesses a precious and magical emerald that gives the family its luck.  When it is stolen, Truthful, with the aid of her cool great-aunt Lady Badgery, must dress as a man and attempt to reclaim the jewel – all the while attending balls at night as a woman making her debut. Truthful has to work with Major Hartnett, whom she instantly dislikes, but can’t stop thinking about. Too bad the Major thinks she’s a boy…and too bad the Major can’t stand her, although apparently he can’t stop thinking about her, either. Romance fans will immediately determine that two people who expend so much energy on disliking each other are clearly falling madly in love.

Newt’s Emerald is written as though it is intended for a very young audience. The author is famous for writing fantasy and horror for kids and young adults, so this isn’t really a surprise, but I do want to let you know that this is pitched more at tweens than at teens. There is one kiss and no sex, and even the kiss is alluded to, not described. It’s a very squeaky clean romance – that’s neither praise nor a criticism, it just is what it is. If you are looking for erotica, it’s not here.

My problem with the book came from the fact that the pacing is so messy that a lot of things don’t make much sense. Truthful’s hapless cousins are introduced as major characters, but they soon wander off the page. The climactic battle is nifty because it involves a masquerade ball, and personally I’m ALWAYS in favor of a masquerade ball scene – but it comes and goes so quickly that there’s only one page of book left to wrap everything up. Does Truthful’s father recover from his terrible illness? Are the rich people in the book going to notice that a lot of poor people have severe water damage to their houses due to a magical weather event and maybe they could use some help? What is going to happen to the Emerald now? There’s some talk of removing it from the family and putting it in a safer location – does that mean the family will have bad luck, or are they fine as long as it’s nominally theirs? And what on earth was the point of having the cousins wander in and out of the story? Are they really this useless? Signs point to yes.

I also never cared about the characters. Lady Badgery is a delight, but the other characters are pretty bland. Truth be told, Truthful is a bit of a brat. She pouts, she whines, and she’s super classist. While that last bit is certainly period appropriate, and the other qualities are age-appropriate, it’s not fun to read. Truthful ignores the lower classes to her detriment but she never seems to learn from this or feel contrition. At the same time, Truthful is beautiful, super rich, accomplished, intelligent, and just generally perfect in every way, except for the bratty thing. She’s like a Mary Sue crossed with a nightmare teen.

My final gripe about the book is that it relies heavily on the big misunderstanding trope. I loathe the Big Mis, but some authors can win me over by using it with great skill. This is not one of those occasions. Major Hartnett is constantly trying to tell Truthful important things, and she’s constantly interrupting him to pout, and that just makes me smash my head into my keyboard. This keyboard is not cheap. I don’t want to get blood on it. For Christ’s sake, Truthful, let the man finish a sentence so we can all move on with our lives and I won’t have to buy a new keyboard.

This story was originally a story within a story, and it shows – it’s rushed, the characterization is minimal, and the plot relies on everyone being very stupid. However, there is a cool old lady who kicks all the asses, there’s a masquerade ball, and there’s an enchanted mustache. If these things make your heart beat wildly, then go ahead and try out the book – it’s mildly entertaining. It’s not terrible and it’s not great. IDK, it was fine, whatever.

 

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Newt’s Emerald by Garth Nix

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  1. JaniceG says:

    Sadly, I’m definitely with you: I love Garth Nix – his Sabriel was one of those books that inspired me to run out and insist that everyone I knew read it as soon as possible – so I got Newt’s Emerald when it was first released a few years ago. However, it is a complete train wreck. I personally have a big problem with annoying ditzy heroines so this was a DNF for me.

  2. Erin Burns says:

    Meh books are the worst. I’ll even take writing a review on something I both loathe and adore at the same time over it. Even though they both come out to be 3s it is much more interesting to write and think about.

  3. Rachel says:

    @JaniceG, I’m so with you on Sabriel– how I loved it! This one doesn’t appeal to me in the same way, unfortunately. But it has given me a hankering to go back and read Sabriel again! I hope it holds up fifteen years later.

    Thanks as always for the review, Carrie!

  4. JaniceG says:

    @Rachel – You will be pleased to learn that after a gap of 10 years (after Lirael in 2002 and Abhorsen in 2004), a new book set in the Old Kingdom was released this year: Clariel.

  5. Susan says:

    It’s $10.99 on Amazon. For $10.99, it should rub my feet and bring me tea, not meh me. (But maybe I’m just old and cranky with unrealistic expectations.)

  6. Rachel says:

    @JaniceG– that is fabulous news! I think I’m going to have to re-read the first three and then start right in on the new one. Oh, must-read list, you grow ever longer…

  7. Kael says:

    I’ve found that Nix’s other novels are hit and miss for me, I didn’t like a Confusion of Princes, and I think I’ll sadly pass on this.

    @Rachel, @JaniceG And don’t forget the Old Kingdom novella in his new short story collection (and the one in Across the Wall)! Also super excited about the next one, which is supposed to be about Lirael and NicK.

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