657. RT Rewind: May 2015 Reviews!

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello there! Welcome to episode number 657 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, Amanda is with me, and we have loaded the time machines. We’ve got snacks; we’ve got bubbles; we’ve got headphones. We’re going back to May 2015. There were some big books this month. Like, there’s a lot of really big books in this issue. There’s also an Amish inspirational that has too much sex in it. Just trust me, you don’t want to miss the erotica section. Yes, it’s the last part of the episode, but we’ve got some bangers – no pun intended.

There are no visual aids for this one because all of the books are in print, so you can see all of the books that we’re talking about and any of the specific graphics that I mention, like all of the Dancing with the Stars posters. That’ll make sense in a minute. Those’ll be in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast under episode 657.

I have a compliment.

To Susan C.: When things are cold and gray and scary, your friends and family know that your home and your hugs and your smile all feel like the warmth of the sun.

If you would like a compliment or you’d like to support the show, patreon.com/SmartBitches.

All right, you ready to do this? Let’s go back to May 2015 where you will find out how many stars A Court of Thorns and Roses got from RT Magazine. On with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: Are you ready to be an auditory alternative to doomscrolling? ‘Cause that’s what we’re doing this month!

[Laughter]

Sarah: I am so excited about this issue, because Susanna Kearsley is on the cover, one of her books is on the cover, and I love talking about Susan-, Susanna Kearsley; like, I’m really excited? But this is also May 2015? So almost ten years ago, and there’s so much to talk about.

Amanda: We also did not time this on purpose, but this will go out in March –

Sarah: Yes, these episodes –

Amanda: – and –

Sarah: – will be March, March 7th and March 21st.

Amanda: Susanna has a new book coming out –

Sarah: I know!

Amanda: – in March! We did not plan this!

Sarah: This was not intentional. We’ll definitely talk about it when we talk about the cover, but I’m genuinely so excited that she has a new book.

So shall we get started with reviews?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: All right. As usual, we have to start with Historical Romance, because in Romantic Times land, Historical Romance is and always will be number one.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: What book did you pick from the historical romance? We got a lot of big names in here!

Amanda: Yeah! So I wrote the title down. I wrote it as A Good Duke Is Hard to Find, which is another book –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – but that’s by Christina Britton and not Kelly Bowen. This is A Good Rogue Is Hard to Find.

Sarah: Somebody’s hard to find; somebody is hard to find. It’s a romance; we know about the joke with the hard. We can just keep using the phrase; it’s fine.

Amanda: I think it was a Books on Sale post I did where at least two or three of the titles were A Blank Is Hard to Find –

[Laughter]

Amanda: – and I, I titled it “Hard to Find Dukes and Rogues.”

Sarah: Okay! Very clever. [Laughs]

Amanda: So this is Kelly Bowen, four and a half stars, Hot. The setting is Regency England. I picked this book because it sounds good and I’ve read other Kelly Bowen books previously?

Sarah: Kelly Bowen is very talented.

Amanda: And I, and I’m, I picked it ‘cause I want to lament the fact that it seems like Kelly Bowen has switched to historical fiction right now, and, writing historical fiction, and I just long for the, the, for the return of a historical romance. So this one sounds great. I haven’t read this one. The review is:

>> This is a shining example of Bowen’s ability to make readers both laugh at the wry and witty dialogue and cry at the poignancy within the romance. With wonderful characters, a quick pace, and heated sensuality, Bowen has a winner!

[Laughs] The summary is amazing.

>> All William Somerhall, Duke of Worth, wants is to return to a life of fun –

Sarah: [Snorts]

Amanda: >> – but with rumors about his mother spreading, he must assess the situation and moves into her house. Worth’s arrival puts a kink in Miss Jenna Hughes’s plans. Jenna and her Ladyship dabble in the “redistribution” of wealth. The swindle the rich to give to those cheated out of their rightful earnings, but Worth’s presence upends everything. As Worth peels back Jenna’s layers, he uncovers a remarkable woman. Soon Worth begins working alongside Jenna and his mother. Though they make quite a team, Jenna knows she can never be more than his lover – or can she?

So this guy moves back in with his mom and discovers that his mom and this younger woman are like Robin Hood characters – [laughs] – which I think is wonderful!

Sarah: I think that’s really funny. I, I personally kind of love it when historical romance writers really lean into the fact that everything about this world is complete fantasy. Like, ninety-nine percent of this is made up. There are pieces that are real, but most of it is fantasy land. I mean, I think it was Melody at Heaving Bosoms who used to call it England Times!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You know, maybe there’s some historical events! Maybe there’s some aristocracy. Maybe there’s a ball somewhere, probably at Almack’s, but otherwise it’s like, We’re just going to lean in to how much of this is fantasy and do whatever the hell we want. Fighting clubs, Robin Hood – yeah, sure, let’s do it.

Amanda: Yeah! Every woman needs a hobby, especially if you’re, like, an older, widowed woman. Maybe you don’t expect that you take part in the redistribution of wealth, but everyone needs a hobby!

Sarah: The book I picked was Lady Sarah’s Sinful Desires, because, well, when you have your own name in something it sort of jumps out at you, and I was like, I, excuse me? Beg pardon. And then I read it, and I was like, Oh, this is interesting! So this is three stars, the setting is 1800s England, aka England Times. It’s Hot, which, if you don’t remember, means Most – [laughs] – Most romance novels fall into this category; ranges from conventional lovemaking to explicit sex. Still don’t know what that means. So this one, the, the summary is very short, and the reviews are very, very short. You notice they get shorter and shorter. There’s one later that’s really long, and I’m like, Holy shit, this reviewer went in!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So the review is:

>> Thorncliff Manor holds many secrets, and Sophie Barnes has decided to expose them in her new series. Despite the title, the sexuality is minimal –

How is it hot, then? Is it conventional lovemaking? Anyway.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> – but the characters, plotline, and lively pace will have readers completely engaged in this romance where friendship comes before lust and love.

Okay, again, this is three stars, and I don’t understand.

>> Viscount Spencer, Christopher Hartley is the type of man who attracts women with his charm and handsome face, but he carries scars and secrets.

So, you know, standard historical romance…

>> Lady Sarah Andover has her own cross to bear: a ruthless stepmother who constantly reminds her of her one indiscretion, and Mr. Dennison, the older man who has bargained with her father for her hand. She has come to Thorncliff to meet Dennison, but then she encounters Christopher. Christopher has sworn off love and marriage, but he cannot deny his interest in Lady Sarah. He suspects she has her secrets, and he wants to be the man to uncover them. Will the truth ruin their chance at love?

This is largely a nothingburger, but I’m very, very impressed with the title, Lady Sarah’s Sinful Desires. Like, and not just because it’s my name. Like, that’s a very active title. Like, that’s putting the hornypants straight on the heroine. Big fan.

Amanda: And then right below that is Tiffany Girl.

Sarah: Tiffany Girl! There are some big books in this, in this section. There’s an M. J. Rose, who re-, she recently passed away. There’s Victoria Roberts; Julia London is in here; Jeannie Lin is in here; Valerie Bowman; Victoria Alexander and Joanna Shupe are in here. This was a, this was a big one. Wait’ll we get to Teen, though; your minds are going to just blow. Whoo!

Amanda: Yeah. Well, it’s interesting ‘cause a lot of the books that, you know, have cover ads in here, this was also the Dallas RT, which was my first RT –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – and so I have a lot of memories of these books…

Sarah: Being on the elevator door?

Amanda: Yeah, being on the elevator, being at RT, being in the free book room.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: You know, I think I got a copy of Tiffany Girl at RT, so –

Sarah: Such a beautiful cover on that book, too.

Amanda: Okay, Mainstream Fiction is next.

Sarah: I picked, 43, The Knockoff, which is kind of interesting because it’s by Lucy Sykes and Jo Piazza. Jo Piazza is somebody who used to be the editor of Life and Style at In Touch magazine? And then I was connected to her years and years and years ago, and she was telling me about, like, celebrity gossip and how if they have a source about a person it’s someone from their team and what the language means, so it was like my first understanding that all of this is code, and of course you know I like a code. So here’s the, here’s the review:

>> Imogen Tate is a delightful character who readers of all ages will relate to. Everyone can see a piece of themselves in her struggle to learn how to manage the new digital age of social media and the blogosphere while remaining grounded in real life. The story is witty and thoughtful, with just the right amount of seriousness to feel real, moving at just the right pace and with the right amount of drama. The Knockoff is a top-notch novel.

Did I pick this just so I could say blogosphere? Yes. Yes, I did.

Amanda: Blogosphere.

Sarah: Look, I mean, I –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – I once saw a shirt, and for the rest of my living days I will regret not buying it? It was a brown T-shirt with one of those illustrations of Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction, like, holding a gun at you, and the caption was Say Blogosphere Again. I will regret not buying that until I am no longer on this earth.

Amanda: [Laughs] I hate that word.

Sarah: What did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked I think the only two-star rating in this section?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: It’s Hugo & Rose by Bridget Foley. This is bonkers. The review sort of paints it as one thing, and then you read the summary –

Sarah: Buh?

Amanda: – and you’re like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – Oh. Yeah. So the review:

>> Hugo & Rose starts out really promising, but ends with a very disconcerting, terribly unempowering message. The main character, an unhappy stay-at-home mom and wife to a surgeon who’s never home, literally follows her dreams and is then punished for it, finally coming to the conclusion that she’s fine with life just the way it is, even though nothing has changed. The message is basically that women who chase their dreams will lose their family or worse.

So I read that, and I’m like, I don’t fucking think so! But then I read the summary, and then I’m like, This message is okay –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – that you shouldn’t chase your dreams. So the summary:

>> Ever since enduring a head injury as a child, Rose has had dreams of adventures with a boy named Hugo. As an adult, she tells the stories to her children and enjoys the dreams as an escape from her ordinary, apparently unfulfilling life. When Rose spots Hugo in real life, she stalks and finally meets him, and the two attempt to explore their mysterious –

Sarah: What?

Amanda: >> – shared dreams. But when Hugo –

I know!

>> But when Hugo becomes a point of contention between Rose and her husband, like, Hey, honey, why are you stalking this strange man? Her dream companion becomes obsessed with her in real life and threatens all that Rose holds dear.

[Laughs] …feels like, Oh, this woman has, like, dreams that extend outside of being a stay-at-home mom and then she pursues those, but she stalks a guy that she’s, has been imagining in her dreams since childhood, and I guess he has similar dreams, and then it’s a point of contention with her husband, which, that’s fair!

Sarah: Yeah! But I’m wondering if it’s two stars, what they’re actually communicating is that this book does not work on any level.

Amanda: No, ‘cause it’s like, Oh, this message is basically that women can’t chase their dreams. It’s not an, it’s an unempowering message. I’m like –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – this is not –

Sarah: This is not chasing your dreams; this is about stalking someone, which is kind of a crime? Geeze Louise. Isn’t it wild when the review and the summary are just, they’re really on just different continents. There’s like a whole ocean in between there.

Amanda: I know! Like, I was ready to put on my little feminist pants and be like, I don’t think so! And then I’m like –

Sarah: You were going to put on pants about this?

Amanda: Well, they’re sweatpants.

Sarah: Okay, fine. Yes, obviously, of course they are.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So my pick in Inspirational is on page 51. I was actually thinking, Oh, I don’t see anything, I don’t see anything, and then this jumped out at me and I went, Ooh, I see something! The Case of the Sin City Sister by Lynne Hinton, four and a half stars. This is just labeled Mystery.

>> A novel that has something for every reader – mystery, intrigue, murder – with well-thought-out characters who are willing to do what they need to do to help those who want answers to their families’ puzzles. The storyline is plausible and has an understory for readers to discover. Hinton is an amazing writer and knows what makes a great mystery.

Okay, could you tell me what makes a good mystery so that I know why this book fits that description? That is such a bunch of words. Big ol’ nothingburger. So here’s the summary. This is pretty great.

>> Eve Divine –

[Laughs] Sorry! There’s a nun named Eve…

Amanda: I’m assuming that’s the nun, yeah! I was like, What a name for a nun.

Sarah: Yeah, Eve Divine is the nun! We’re, we’re just, you know, sometimes you’re just going to take your trowel and you’re just going to layer it on thick, and this sounds like one of those books.

Amanda: In for a penny, in for a pound.

Sarah: Yes.

>> Eve Divine –

[Snorts, clears throat]

>> – is, is at a crossroads. She is questioning if staying a nun is what she is supposed to do, or if she is supposed to continue to help her father with his detective agency.

I mean, por que no los dos?

>> When her sister doesn’t return her calls or texts, Eve decides it’s time to travel to Las Vegas to put her PI skills to work, uncover the truth, and find her sister. With the help of a friend of the family, Eve learns there is more to Sin City than bright lights and gambling. There is an ugly side of Vegas.

Re-, real-, I’m shocked.

>> People will kill to protect themselves and their not-so-legal businesses. Will she find her sister in time? And will Sister Eve decide what fork in the road she should take?

First of all, fuck all forks in the road. Second of all, wow! She’s a nun, she’s becoming a PI, and she’s trying to find her sister, and she’s just now figured out there’s an ugly side to Vegas and she’s going to run into it. This sounds off the wall. I kind of dig it. And also it’s called Sin City Sister! Whoever named that, you get a, you get a star sticker from me.

Amanda: I haven’t watched it, but just your description reminds me of, what was that TV show that Lara reviewed with the nun, and she’s on a bicycle?

Sarah: That would be Sister Boniface Mysteries. I, I got a subscription to Britbox when I had COVID in July. I just sat in here and watched Sister Boniface Mysteries? Okay, let me give you a synopsis of this story.

Amanda: [Laughs] That’s what I’m picturing –

Sarah: Sister –

Amanda: – when you described it.

Sarah: So Sister Boniface Mysteries is set in like the si-, ‘50s, ‘50s-‘60s era. Sister Boniface Mysteries is the name of the show, but she’s honest-to-God a side character in her own series; it’s the worst. She’s best part of it, and she’s not used nearly enough. There are two cops, they, and the, the town is called, I think, Little Slaughter, like a wink to how many people frigging die there? But everyone cast in this show is like a Temu version of a famous actor. The lead cop is like knockoff Jude Law.

Amanda: Aww!

Sarah: Like, it’s incredible. If you look at the cast you’re like, Oh, it’s like almost Jude Law; it’s almost this char- – it’s really interesting. It’s a good show. It just, it doesn’t focus on Sister Boniface enough.

Amanda: What a shame.

Sarah: And the, and the reason she’s a nun is that she worked in codebreaking and, and classified work. She basically left the service after the war and immediately took vows as a nun. I’m like, Explore that! Tell me more about that! I don’t care about knockoff Jude Law and his hornypants for the reporter in weird hats. The hats are great, though.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: If you have a chance to check it out, incredible hat collection. Like, no lie.

So what did you pick?

Amanda: So I was moved by the title of this one on page 55.

Sarah: [Laughs] You sure were!

Amanda: [Laughs] An Amish Man of Ice Mountain.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: This one does not have a little subgenre notifier, so there, we know nothing else. It’s by Kelly Long, and it has two stars.

>> The second installment of Long’s Ice Mountain series offers a, a stronger premise for a relationship between the main characters than the first title, but the author continues to focus on the explicit physical details of the romance, which feels very awkward in an Amish story.

And that’s the whole review.

Sarah: Ohhhhhh, damn! So Ice Mountain’s getting a little hot, huh?

Amanda: [Laughs] I know!

Sarah: Is that what you’re trying to say? Oh my!

Amanda: Real climate change!

Sarah: So do you think this book got two stars ‘cause it was too hornypants?

Amanda: Well, so the summary mentions that Joseph, who I’m assuming is the Amish man in the title, spends his energy trying to keep his wayward younger brother out of trouble, secretly struggling with guilt over a sexual relationship he had as a teen with an older English woman? Priscilla is her name.

>> – from an abusive ex who will stop at nothing to get her back. When Joseph discovers her living in her car with her five-year-old daughter, he’s determined to keep them both safe by bringing them to Ice Mountain.

And that’s it. That’s all we know, so it sounds like the person dinged it because it – I mean, I’ve never read an Amish romance, but I always assumed there was very little, if any, sexual content, so maybe there is a, they found it to be a disconnect between what one would expect from an Amish romance, and then with such a focus on sex!

Sarah: Mm-mm!

Amanda: I know!

Sarah: Yeah, it really sounds like this was dinged for the sexuality, which is so – I mean, okay!

Amanda: And it –

Sarah: Whatever works for you.

Amanda: – it wasn’t published an inspirational; it’s published by Zebra, which is Kensington, I think? Right?

Sarah: Mm-hmm. Sure is!

Amanda: Yeah! So, interesting.

Sarah: Very interesting.

Amanda: I know!

Sarah: So now we’re going to move into Teen Scene –

Amanda: Wow.

Sarah: – and I mentioned earlier –

Amanda: Wowee.

Sarah: – wow, there were some books in this section. Now, I don’t believe that there is a summary page for Teen Scene, because there’s just simply too much. Here are some of the books in this section:

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas. That book really didn’t go anywhere, did it? I mean, it just sort of appeared and disappeared.

Amanda: Yeah, it kind of just faded into obscurity.

Sarah: But you notice it’s the original cover with the, with the hairy shoulders.

Amanda: I liked this cover. But with books like A Court of Thorns and Roses there’s some other really important ones for, like, the time. I don’t know if you –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – get this, Sarah, but I get people – and I, I don’t know how I feel about this question, ‘cause it feels like it’s a gotcha question of, like –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – Oh, so what do you think about, like, the – what is the? I’m blanking so hard – the Rebecca Yarros dragon books?

Sarah: Fourth Wing.

Amanda: Thank you. I kept thinking Onyx Storm, which is the new one. Like, What do you think of Fourth Wing? What do you think of this one? And it either feels like they’re asking because they want me to shit on it to, so they can feel vindicated that they also think the book is overhyped or whatever, or –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – they want to, like, validate their love of these books. And look, I – [laughs] – I am stubborn, so whatever you –

Sarah: What?!

Amanda: – want me to do in a conversation, I am not doing it out of spite. Like, I’m not going to give you –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – the answer that you want just because. But my answer –

Sarah: Especially when they telegraph it that hard, right. Like, you can tell they’re all like, Oh, what do you think about that book Fourth Wing? Like, you can tell they want you to say, Oh, it’s not very good.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I thought so! Mm-hmm.

Amanda: My answer, and I don’t think it’s a bad answer, is like, Those books are fine! But I can recommend you something better. Is usually what I say.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Like, these are a good launch pad into finding what you like. But I can probably find you something better.

Sarah: My, my answer is very similar. It’s usually, Oh, that book is really popular, sort of broken broad containment, and that happens every five to ten years with a book. If you’re interested in that, it’s, it’s very popular for a reason, but if that’s not your thing, if you tell me what you like I can find books that will fit your interests. And the idea that, for a lot of the people who are asking from the judgmental perspective, like, Oh, I heard about this book; just confirm for me that it’s shit, ‘cause I think it is? For a lot of those people, the idea that they can have books tailored to them, and that they can enjoy media rather than crapping on what’s popular? That does disarm them a little bit. That’s really fun.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: But other books in this section? The Wrath & the Dawn by Renée Ahdieh, The Heir by Kiera Cass.

Amanda: Julie Kagawa.

Sarah: Sarah Dessen is in here? This section –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – could be its own, this whole section could be its own magazine, I swear.

Amanda: Yeah, there’s a lot.

Sarah: An Ember in the Ashes by Sabaa Tahir? Come on! Oh, and some, some chick named Colleen is in here too? Yeah. I don’t know anything about her. So what did you pick in this section?

Amanda: I picked Hold Me Like a Breath, and I think I picked this one ‘cause I owned this, or it was on my Goodreads. It was, like, on my radar for a while. It’s a YA thriller, and this will start one of the first Amanda Rants of the episode.

Sarah: YES!

Amanda: So – [laughs] – Hold Me Like a Breath, I’ll read the review, by Tiffany Schmidt. It got four and a half stars; it’s a thriller.

>> Schmidt’s latest is an original, thought-provoking crime thriller that deserves attention. Each plot twist pulls readers deeper into the story, while the action is perfectly balanced by Penny’s emotional struggles and her first romantic experiences. A gripping novel, this is superbly written and absorbing.

It is not for Sarahs; let me just make that very clear. [Laughs]

Sarah: Thank you! ‘Preciate it!

Amanda: Yeah. And the summary is:

>> You’d think as a member of an organ-trafficking crime family, Penny Landlow’s life would involve meetings behind closed doors and shadowing her powerful father, but that’s her brother Carter’s life. Penny has an autoimmune disorder, which means her life is full of blood tests and infusions, and she’s confined to her family’s estate. All she wants is some freedom, and suddenly, after devastating events, Penny gets her wish. She’s alone in New York City, trying to figure out her next move.

There’s a little bit of retelling aspect. I can’t remember which, like, fairytale it’s based on, but normally when I look at these books and I pick one, I’ll go and, like, look on Goodreads or whatever and, like, Oh! This was on my list! And I think it’s sitting at like a 3.69 stars – nice –

Sarah: Sure is, yes.

Amanda: – and, and I’m like, Why is it so low? Like, I’m, I haven’t read it, but I’m very curious why they’re rated – and for me, like, 3.6, 3.5 are usually low grades for me to consider reading a book. So I’m looking through the reviews, and I’m like, is it the organs trafficking storyline? Like –

Sarah: My mouth did drop open at that point

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: An organ-trafficking crime family. What do you think their, like, garage refrigerator is like?

Amanda: [Laughs] They probably have a very good model, or at least, you know, eight old ones that they’ve rescued from, you know, family members’ houses when they upgrade. So either, like, one souped up good one or just, like, eight really ratty ones from like the ‘80s that they’ve gotten from, like, junkyards.

Sarah: Can you go check the liver freezer? I don’t know what our inventory is.

Amanda: Or, like –

Sarah; Yeah, fine, I’ll check the kidney freezer too. What the hell?

Amanda: – you have a friend stay over like, Yeah! You can just get a Coke from the, the garage fridge! And don’t specify –

Sarah: No!

[Laughter]

Amanda: – fridge in the garage?

Sarah: There’s nine fridges? Which one has the Coke, Coca-Cola, not cocaine in it? [Laughs]

Amanda: But –

Sarah: So these Goodreads reviews, when you sort by, like, one star and two star, this was also the era when if you didn’t like a book it was four thousand words on Goodreads.

Amanda: Yeah. You wrote a dissertation.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: But the com- –

Sarah: With GIFs! Lots of GIFs!

Amanda: [Laughs] The complaints were like, essentially, The sheltered main character is acting too much like a sheltered main character. The review even mentions that she’s dealing with emotional struggles and having her first romantic experiences. And this is my thing of, like, people reading YA and being surprised that the main characters are acting like young adults trying to get a handle on their hormones and feelings, and I just don’t know why that’s a bad thing when that usually is a defining characteristic of the genre.

Sarah: I am pretty familiar with, with teenagers, as I, I have some. I realize that – here, here’s, here’s my synopsis of parenting, right? You go from active caretaking to managing to consulting. You have to become a consultant once your kids are older, especially, like, one of my kids is going to be twenty. We are absolutely a consultant –

Amanda: That’s crazy.

Sarah: – but, like, if you have an autoimmune disorder and you’ve been sheltered in the estate the whole time, I’m presuming because you’re, like, vulnerable to everything, and your family is a crime family, so they are also going to be isolated, this person is not going to have one-tenth of a clue. Like, what are they going to do in the middle of New York City? If that were me, if I were a young adult with an immune disorder finally free from my crime family’s garage full of organ chest freezers, like, I would melt down. New York City is amazingly overwhelming, even if you’re familiar with it. But yeah, people hated this book because she’s a dumbass.

Amanda: I just remember myself as a fifteen-year-old, sixteen-year-old. I was a nightmare. Like –

[Laughter]

Amanda: – I was a complete –

Sarah: Myself too!

Amanda: – monster as, like, a hormonal teenage girl in a small town who definitely felt different than my rural counterparts, with an undiagnosed mental illness. I was just a terror of –

[Laughter] 

Amanda: – you know, ups and downs. So I think that’s just, like, what really bugs me about people reading YA but then grading it so low. Obviously there’s more nu-, nuance to the conversation, but grading it so poorly because a young person is trying to figure out their feelings that they could be experiencing for the first time in their life.

Sarah: Yeah! Pool of emotional experience: very small, big waves.

Amanda: Did you pick one for this, Sarah, or did you just want to talk about – ?

Sarah: I decided that if you didn’t pick it, that I would read the review of A Court of Thorns and Roses because I think it’s very interesting how it was received at the time of its release –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – when there were all of these massive books in this month. So if you’re curious, folks, it got four and a half stars Top Pick; it’s a TP. Not a TPG, but a TP. And it is – whoo-whoo – vicious and intoxicating. This is a, okay, count the adjectives. There’s just adjectives. They got out the adjectives for this review. Like a list of them.

>> Vicious and intoxicating, this is a sumptuous start to Maas’s new series. With her signature style, the author weaves traces of familiar fairytales with her own blend of magic to create a dazzling world, complex characters, and sizzling romance. Feyre is a charming heroine with a perfect amount of flaws and strengths –

[Laughs]

>> – and her chemistry with Tamlin is wonderfully tangible!

Oh!

>> Readers will revel in the story’s maturity and darkness.

Is that a way of saying there be fucking in this book?

Amanda: Maybe, but it, I saw something on Instagram today, and they were talking about Tamlin, and in the book, if I’m remembering correctly, Tamlin has, like, a mask on? And he’s had a mask on for a very long time. And they, they constantly talk about how tan he is, and someone drew, like, a, a comic strip of Tamlin taking his mask off, and he just has, like, a giant mask tan line and just, like – [laughs] – right here’s pale!

Sarah: [Laughs] He’s got goggle tan! That’s amazing.

So shall we move on to Sci-fi and Fantasy?

Amanda: Sure!

Sarah: I picked a book on 66. If you’re curious, there’s one two-star review in this section; most of the others are three to four and a half stars Top Pick, which…range –

Amanda: I picked the two-star, in case anyone’s wondering.

Sarah: This is why I like you. Okay. This review is by Regina Small, who I have met a bunch of times. This is one of the most explicitly critical reviews, and also one of the longest reviews I have ever seen in this magazine. Like, it is impressive how long this is compared to every other magazine review in this issue, or book review in this issue. So this is Of Noble Family by Mary Robinette Kowal, which got three stars, and this is the review. Get ready.

>> I’ve adored watching Kowal’s worldbuilding evolve and strengthen in this series, which is why it pains me to talk about how disappointing this finale is. In the outstanding Without a Summer, Kowal integrated politics into her fantasy to great effect. In its own turn, Of Noble Family explores one of the most monstrous crimes in history, slavery. As Jane and Vincent are forced to deal with Lord Verbury An-, Lord Verbury’s Antiguan estate, the issue of slavery hits home. All of the slaves who make up the cast of Of Noble Family are rendered with tremendous sensitivity and understanding, but inevitably, all of the characters of color are, by necessity, filtered through Jane and Vincent’s perspective, orbiting around them. Louisa, a house slave who attends Jane, may be on the cover, but this is not her story. Of Noble Family is not really about Louisa or Frank, Zachary, or even Nkiruka –

I may be saying that wrong.

>> – who does play a crucial role. This series has always been about Vincent and Jane, which may mean it wasn’t the best vehicle to address something that can inherently only ever affect them indirectly, even if Vincent shares a bloodline with the estate slaves. Though the plot is complex, the climax here revolves around Jane’s fragile pregnancy, which doesn’t quite do justice to the rest of our cast. But I have ample reason to hope and believe that Kowal will give her talents and her social conscience even fuller expression in her future work.

Amanda: That’s a good fucking review.

Sarah: That is a good fucking review! Like, if that was submitted to me, I would have no edits. Like, wow. Wow, that’s a good review! I’m, like, I’m really impressed! Especially because Mary Robinette Kowal is one of the most popular fantasy authors, especially at this time because she was, this is part of the Glamourist ss-ss-something series, I think [Glamourist Histories].

Amanda: And it’s also interesting because we’ve gone through how many issues at this point? And I think this is really the first time we’re coming across a review that is so openly critical?

Sarah: Mm-hmm!

Amanda: And really spells out, like, what the problem here is, rather than using sort of vague, hand-wave-y language.

Sarah: Problematic.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It was problematic. How? Did it smell, or was it racist?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Give me specifics! Not only is this a really critical review, but it’s very nuanced, because what Regina Small is talking about is how these characters are viewed through white perspectives, and that does not do service to the story and it un-, undermines what was trying to be accomplished with the book. Like, this is a really subtle, critical review with a lot of nuance, and I am so impressed. Like, wow.

Amanda: And you mentioned this as the longest review probably that we’ve seen, but I think all of the books in the Sci-fi/Fantasy section, it feels like the reviews are longer on average compared to the other sections, for whatever reason.

Sarah: Mm-hmm. They have more to say.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah. So what did you pick?

Amanda: I picked the only two-star rating in the section. It’s on page 66. It’s for a book called Corsair by James L. Cambias.

Sarah: Ruh-roh.

Amanda: Corsair always makes me think of like the, the gaming brand. There’s, like, headphones that are –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – [laughs] – Corsair headphones; that’s what I think of. Okay, so the review:

>> This near-future sci-fi novel has a lot of potential with space, computer hacking, and world politics. The pacing, however, has the initial four-fifths of the book doing the setup for the last fifth. Cambias’s plot points are also a little too neat. Readers will see how most of the pieces fit together long before the climax. Cool tech speak overtakes character development, leaving Elizabeth’s final actions feeling out of proportion for the situation. Add in David’s bizarre pirate speak and readers may struggle to stay with it.

Sarah: Huh! Bizarre pirate speak? Wait, I’m really stuck on bizarre –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – pirate speak. What does that mean?

Amanda: In the near future, we all speak like pirates, apparently. [Laughs]

Sarah: It’s like, it’s like Talk Like a Pirate Day forever.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: [Laughs] Wow. Bizarre pirate speak! I’m going to write that down as a potential subtitle. Be right back!

Amanda: [Laughs] So the summary:

>> Ten years ago, Elizabeth Santiago met grifter David Schwartz. She was in the air force and doing grad work. He was attending classes at MIT with a fake ID. Now he’s a space pirate, hacking systems to steal helium shipments from the Moon, and she’s trying to stop him, until they both realize there’s more going on with David’s latest theft for hire than either of them anticipated.

Can you just imagine you’re going to school, and then you’re like, I’m going to drop out and become a space pirate and steal helium shipments from the Moon? [Laughs]

Sarah: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Wait, I feel – [laughs] – I think I figured it out! The bizarre pirate speak is him breathing the helium –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and talking with the helium voice!

[Laughter]

Sarah: …a duck! Yar, shiver me timbers! [Laughs] That’s why it’s bizarre! He’s huffing the helium!

Amanda: I got back into World of Warcraft recently, and – not that I’m a trendsetter –

Sarah: Yay! I enable these decisions!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Yes! I’m proud of you!

Amanda: Not that I’m a trendsetter, but I was, like, playing and some of my old WoW friends were on Discord and saw me playing, so now they’re playing again, and we were on Discord doing, like, a dungeon, and one of them would, like, only do certain, like, callouts in a Kermit voice, so. [Laughs] Just a very good time hearing a Kermit voice telling you to, like, press a button or, you know, stun something or whatever.

Also, the cover is not nearly as goofy as I wanted it to be. It’s, it’s –

Sarah: Oh no! I was just looking it up!

Amanda: It’s no Jettison, that’s for sure.

Sarah: Ohhh, there’s no shiny pants?

Amanda: No.

Sarah: Oh wow, good choice. I’m deeply impressed.

So Mystery/Thriller. What did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked, on 73, it’s called Bite the Biscuit. And we’ve talked before about how the mystery section is just full of whimsy, and there’s just – [laughs] – puns, and it’s, this says Mystery, Amateur Sleuth, and I picked this one because it sounds, with all of the details it sounds like a small-town contemporary romance, but like on steroids. But it is a mystery. So Bite the Biscuit, Linda O. Johnston, three stars.

>> The beginning of a new series for Johnston starts off on a good leg. She introduces readers to a new town with interesting characters and a solid mystery to solve. There’s a feeling of overexplaining in certain areas that are a bit redundant, but otherwise it’s an enjoyable mystery.

Now, I’m going to poll the audience, and if you could list like five, the top five small town occupations that you will most likely see in romances, what, what would you say?

Sarah: Okay, there’s always like a, like a small baked good bakery, a cupcake bakery, cookie bakery.

Amanda: Bakery.

Sarah: A veterinar-, veterinarian or dog walker; somebody obsessed with pets. Librarian or bookseller for sure. Some sort of overworked, under-resourced medical person.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Those are my top four. What do you think are the top five?

Amanda: Definitely a baker.

Sarah: Always.

Amanda: Yeah. Sometimes there’s, like, an event planner. That’s one, that one’s very popular.

Sarah: Oh yes, local party planner –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – in a small town that has nonstop multimillion-dollar events. Sure!

Amanda: Yeah. Related to that, sometimes there’s, like, a florist. Usually they’re tangentially related.

Sarah: Oh, yep.

Amanda: A waitress. So, like, sometimes there’s, like, a diner or, like, a bartender?

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: Like the local bartender.

Sarah: Or a café or something like that.

Amanda: So I will say I don’t think Sarah read this ahead of time, so, Sarah –

Sarah: I did not.

Amanda: [Laughs] Sarah pretty much nailed it. So the summary is:

>> Veterinary technician Carrie Kennersly is anticipating the opening of her two new stores.

Sarah: Oh no!

Amanda: >> Having bought the Icing on the Cake bakery from its previous owner, Carrie has split the store into two sections: Icing on the Cake for people treats and the Barkery for her foray into baking for dogs. At the op- –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> At the opening of her new businesses, wealthy couple Harris and Myra Ethman make it known that they do not like the Barkery or Carrie. As owners of a –

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> As owners of the posh Nob Hill Pet Emporium, Myra especially believes that Carrie is trying to steal her business. After having a public argument and making some comments to Myra, Carrie becomes the number one suspect when Myra is murdered. Carrie decides that the police are not doing enough to find the real killer, so she starts her own investigation. When several leads point even more in her direction, Carrie is convinced she is on the right path.

But yeah, she’s a vet tech who opens up a joint people/pet bakery.

Sarah: That is incredible. How? Call me. I could be your psychic friend; I could be in your driveway right now. Wow.

Amanda: The Barkery, too. It’s very good.

Sarah: So, veterinarian opening a pet bakery and a human bakery.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Wow! Oh. That is some, like, top, grade A, small town contemporary profession usage right there. You just, just gather up as many as you can and put them on one person.

Amanda: I feel like we had a similar question. So at RT we would host different things, and we had like a Family Feud game, do you remember? And you were the host, and we had the –

Sarah: I –

Amanda: – themes of four or five, and you were like, Name a small town romance occupation!

Sarah: I did a, I did a whole – I remember this – I did a whole survey. I had the top five answers, and it was, it was just the website community, so you kind of had to know, like, the Smart Bitches perspec-, the Smart Bitches community perspective on a lot of this, but yes, it was like Name your top small town contemporary professions.

Amanda: Regency clothing items I think was one of them.

Sarah: Yes! Yes. Oh my God, that was fun!

Amanda: Yeah…

Sarah: We should do that again. I’m going to write that down. I’m going to do that again. At some point.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Whoa.

So I did not pick a book, but I wanted to talk specifically about the cover of Some Like It Witchy by Heather Blake?

Amanda: Oh my God, look at this Bratz doll.

Sarah: Okay, it’s, it’s like a Bratz doll, except they stretched it out sixty-two percent.

Amanda: Oh, it’s Betty Spaghetty!

Sarah: It’s Betty Spaghetty, and if you look, the title and author font, the, the, the capital letters were that stupid party font that was on all computers for free that had sort of the curlicue letters? And everyone used it for like baby showers and birthday parties, and I’m like, I know what font this is, I know what computer had this font. This illustration is so specifically 2015.

Amanda: It also reminds me of, like, you know, the, you’d get these, like, really kitschy, like, like, plastic wineglasses with this, like, font on them that’s like Wine Mom or whatever –

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: – in, like, some kind of puff paint or whatever. [Laughs]

Sarah: But look at this woman! From her hip to her knee and her knee to her ankle is three times as long as her, the rest of her body. What does she look like when she stands up? Does she fall down?

Amanda: She looks like a spider. I don’t like it.

Sarah: It’s really, really weird, just the way that she is drawn. I don’t get it. We’ve seen this before. This, this whole series has these illustrations. This is not the first time we’ve talked about that, but that is a particularly egregious illustration of a human. [Laughs] Unless maybe she’s not human; maybe she’s a fairy.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Moving into Contemporary. The book I picked is on page 82, and it’s Sugar on Top by Marina Adair. This was peak Just Stick a Dog on the Cover; it doesn’t matter if the dog looks like it was actually there at that time.

Amanda: Put a dog on It! Well, the –

Sarah: Just, just stick a dog on it.

Amanda: – the second, the, like, inside cover ad –

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: – is another dog –

Sarah: Just stick a dog on it! I’m going to bring that up during ads and features. It’s just stick a dog on it. That dog isn’t, that dog is not there, and neither is that leash. Look at how the leash doesn’t indent their legs. That’s all bad Photoshop, but I’ll go off about that –

Amanda: Especially for a Great Dane.

Sarah: Yeah, you’re not standing up if a Great Dane winds the leash around you and starts pulling. You’re going into the water. You’re screwed. But this was peak Just Stick a Dog on the Cover, and this has the most ill-proportioned Beagle I’ve ever seen. Marina Adair’s Sugar on Top, the Beagle has front legs that are three times as long as the back legs. Just, just stick a dog on it; it’s fine. So this was four stars, Hot.

>> Fans have been waiting for another book in the Sugar, Georgia series, and Adair doesn’t disappoint. Just as sexy and full of sassy humor as the first, Sugar on Top is a tasty treat. The characters are likable and fun. The romance is hard-fought-for –

Wait.

>> The romance is hard-fought-for with a satisfying conclusion.

I thought for a minute that wasn’t right, but that’s right. This is like a book review written by a second-grader. This book was good. The char-, I liked the characters. It was fun. I liked the end. Like, this is so minimal, but okay.

And also this was peak – and you’ll, you’ll know what I mean when I say this – this was also peak when there were a lot of small towns in the South that were entirely populated by white people with absolutely no discussion of what that means and how that happens.

Amanda: I grew up in one of those towns!

Sarah: Right? Like, you are familiar with this genre in real life. It is not a genre I want to read about. The small-town contemporary set in the South with all white people really makes my stomach hurt, but that’s a rant for another day.

If you’re curious about –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: If you’re curious about the summary of Sugar on Top:

>> Glory Mann is less than happy to be the chairman of the Miss Peach Pageant. Forced to take the rap for a scandal she had nothing to do with, her penance is to head the committee.

What?

>> Worse still, the dreamy co-chairman barely notices. Cal McGraw has enough on his plate, thanks to a rough divorce and trying to keep his boy-crazy teenage daughter out of trouble.

This is so much gender cliché, I’m, I’m going to need, like, to take a break and walk around the block.

>> Spending his time off with the resident bad girl is not on his list of things to do, but he can’t avoid the temptation and the intense chemistry for long when small town drama erupts over the pageant. Cal risks it all on Glory for his second chance at love.

First of all, you have a small town beauty pageant and there’s no drama? You did it wrong. Number two –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – she’s the town bad girl? She’s part of a scandal she had nothing to do with? What is the scandal? It’s like, last month we had Stuart the bad boy who – [laughs] – played the violin and had a pencil mustache –

Amanda: Like, oh God!

Sarah: – the, the, the gendered bad girl’s, like, your reputation is everything, like, I, I would just be like, I don’t fucking care. Like, this is, this is one of those conflicts where I’m just like, I don’t, I don’t care. If you can’t find a backbone, I’m not interested in reading you, reading about you finding one.

Amanda: That’s fair.

Sarah: Oh my God, the, this small-town contemporary – I have a lot to say. [Laughs] A lot to say about. There were many things about it that I found deeply creepy.

What did you pick?

Amanda: I picked, on page 76 –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – it is the first review of the section – Make You Mine by Jackie Ashenden. Four and a half stars, Hot. I believe I’ve read this one?

Sarah: Oh cool!

Amanda: Or, or part of the series, and I’ll explain why I picked it after I read it. So with a Top Pick, the review is:

>> Ashenden’s Nine Circles series certainly isn’t an easy read. Her characters have frighteningly deep scars and chillingly dark pasts, but intrepid readers are rewarded with stories that are wonderfully challenging, powerfully suspenseful, and above all sensual and meaningful. This second installment features a profoundly scarred hero and an igmatic –

Oh my God.

>> – and an enigmatic, powerful heroine who are genuinely and uniquely compelling. While their strength individually and together appears remarkable, it is in their moments of weakness that these characters become deeply sympathetic and magnetically fascinating, making for a relationship and a series not to be missed.

Look at all those adjectives…

Sarah: That’s a lot of –ly. How many times did you say –ly in that?

Amanda: One, two, three –

Sarah: Four.

Amanda: – four –

Together: Five. Six?

Amanda: Seven.

Sarah: That’s a lot of adverbs.

Amanda: Eight? Nine.

Sarah: That’s a lot of adverbs in one paragraph.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Wowser. And also, this is, this is kind of bleak.

Amanda: Yeah. And the summary:

>> Years ago, Alex St. James abandoned everything he knew, and he’s since spent his life making money and enjoying it however he pleases. But when an invitation lures him back into the shadows of his past, he knows he will make any wager to find some answers. Bodyguard Katya is determined to leave Alex’s employ to track down her former lover, but she agrees to one final job: protecting Alex during the biggest gamble of his life. As they grow closer and begin to explore the dangerous chemistry between them, Alex and Katya both realize there are some things that are too important to risk.

Now –

Sarah: M’kay.

Amanda: – the reason I picked this, picked this book is, I think a couple episodes ago I talked about another Jackie Ashenden book, and I’m like, What the hell is she up to now? And she recently came out with like a cutesy contemporary called Book People? I think it was like last month or the month before. And it was a big departure from her, like, dark, very erotic books, which I thought was interesting, because we are in an era of dark romance, and I feel like this is a dark romance precursor?

Sarah: Oh, absolutely yes!

Amanda: And I’m really surprised that she didn’t stick with it, given how popular the genre is now.

Sarah: Yeah, she was ahead of the trend by eight years, five to eight years.

Amanda: And, and then I remember, like, so I reviewed on Goodreads, and I remember this was on sale recently, I reviewed the fifth book in this series. It’s called In Bed with the Billionaire, and I mentioned that it includes, there’s dubious consent in there –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – there’s sex trafficking; there’s suicide; there’s drug use. This is, like, they’re pretty dark. But the, the heroine in this book, In Bed with the Billionaire, is a, a hired hit woman?

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: [Laughs] And I praised, in my Goodreads, Goodreads, Goodreads review, I praised the fact that we get a really good scene of the heroine just absolutely beating the shit out of the hero.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I just put a link to Jackie Ashenden’s website in the document. So she has Book People, which is one of those illustrated covers with two people, and we’ve been talking about this internally, but there are a lot of bookseller and romance author heroines in romance right now. It’s really weird. Like, everyone’s writing about writers and I’m, like, super not into it, but, you know, it’s fine. The trends don’t all have to be for me. It’s okay. But underneath that, look at all of the Harlequin Presents and how they’ve changed the logo so there’s like this gold circle around them? All of these book covers look like they are promo posters for So You Think You Can Dance.

Amanda: Oh my God, they – yes.

Sarah: These all –

Amanda: One hundred percent.

Sarah: – look like promo for the new season, or of – what’s the one where the celebrities dance? Is that So You Think You Can Dance?

Amanda: Oh, that’s Dancing with the Stars.

Sarah: Dancing with the Stars, thank you. This is like So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing with the Stars posters, all of these. They look like, they look like TV posters. Or like, or like some cross between Real Housewives and dancing? Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah, it definitely has a reality show feel.

Sarah: Totally. It’s an interesting choice on their part.

So the next section – there’s a lot of sections here – the next section is Paranormal, which is followed by Urban Fantasy, and I don’t understand why they’re separate, because there’s books that fit –

Amanda: I don’t either.

Sarah: – either description in both? This is the time of Grave Phantoms by Jenn Bennett, the 1920s series, which I know you really liked.

Amanda: Yeah. I, like, we had a lot of interesting blends of historical time period and –

Sarah: Paranormal stuff.

Amanda: – like, paranormal elements at this time, like Kristen Callihan’s series –

Sarah: I was just thinking about that.

Amanda: Yeah. Bec McMaster’s sort of like steampunk England –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – series; you know, Meljean Brook’s books. We have a lot of those around this time period, and I kind of miss those.

Sarah: I miss those too, but some of them are in Paranormal, and some of them are in Urban Fantasy, and I’m not really sure where they draw the line here.

Amanda: They just throw a dart at a board…

Sarah: Yeah, this is –

Amanda: …see where it lands.

Sarah: – this is fine!

I, I picked Grave Phantoms. I didn’t write it down, but the one that I picked is Grave Phantoms, Jenn Bennett. Four and a half stars, Hot, Top Pick.

>> Emerging star Bennett gives lucky readers this wonderful third installment of her outstanding Roaring Twenties series. Fans of this series have been greatly anticipating exploration of the budding romance between college student Astrid Magnusson and Bo Yeung, second in command to Astrid’s boot-, bootlegging brother Winter. Bennett richly captures the flavor of the era, including its prejudices, which adds poignancy to this sizzling romance. Add in a puzzling supernatural mystery and you have a true paranormal romance gem. Terrific!

Amanda: Terrific!

Sarah: >> On a break from college, Astrid returns home to San Francisco to visit her family and find out why her longtime pal Bo has stopped communicating with her. Astrid is down on the docks to confront Bo when a mysterious yacht crashes into the Magnusson pier. Six white-robed and confused people exit the yacht, but the kicker is that the boat and these people have been missing for a year. When Astrid finds a turquoise figure on the floor she experiences a jolt and suddenly has visions of a strange ceremony taking place on the yacht. Bo is frantic at Astrid’s collapse, for although he knows their love is forbidden, he can’t help but ache for her.

Now, I will say the cover does not look like a college student. That does not look like a college student. [Laughs] But I think you could release that now. Like, that story would fit now. I kind of miss this whole era of we’re going to put all the genres together. We’re just going to put it all in the kitchen sink and be like, Here you go; it’s a paranormal historical urban fantasy mystery! Yeah, let’s go.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: What did you pick?

Amanda: It wasn’t really so much of a pick as –

Sarah: Huh?

Amanda: – you know, just, I just wanted to call out the names in J. R. Ward’s The Shadows.

Sarah: Because you make good choices! I saw this and I was like, How do you even say that?

Amanda: [Laughs] It’s the thirteenth book in the Black Dagger Brotherhood. We’ve talked about these names before, how they’re just interesting spellings of words. Like Rehvenge is R-E-H-V-E-N-G-E. And the two characters mentioned here are Trez, T-R-E-Z –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – and then this name: I-, iAm? I don’t know. But –

Sarah: I am!

Amanda: – it’s spelled –

Sarah: I am!

Amanda: – lower, lower case i –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – capital A, lower case m.

Sarah: Is that just Ian? Maybe it’s just Ian with the wrong shift button and then the wrong letter. It’s like, it’s the wrong capital letter and a typo. Just call him Ian.

Amanda: My brain just keeps filling it in as will.i.am?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: From the Black Eyed Peas?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Fair.

Amanda: [Laughs] That’s all I wanted to mention. I don’t care about the review itself. Whatever, it’s a Black Dagger Brotherhood book. It’s the thirteenth book; who cares? But it’s just like, These names, huh?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: I think she just came out with a new one recent-ish-ly and still going with those names!

Sarah: Wow. [Laughs]

So in Urban Fantasy there are one, two, three, four, five, six whole books, but one of them is Darynda Jones’ Eighth Grave after Dark. Now, why is that in Urban Fantasy but not Paranormal?

Amanda: I don’t know. I think it’s interesting because in the urban fantasies that I’ve read, they start urban fantasy, right, where there’s, like, a mystery and it’s like a contemporary world with, like, fantastical elements.

Sarah: Leather pants in a dirty city alley, pretty much.

Amanda: The romance plot is more of a subplot? Like, I think of the Kate Daniels books.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: But eventually a lot of those urban fantasy series, to me, turn into romances. Like, once –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – the romance progresses up to a certain point?

Sarah: Once the boning happens.

Amanda: Yeah! So I – I mean, there are series that are just urban fantasy and there’s no romance component at all, but the ones I’ve experienced eventually get to the point where they turn into –

Sarah: A romance.

Amanda: – novel.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: There is, however – I mean, I didn’t pick a book in this section ‘cause – [indistinct] – fine. I did notice that another edition of Gini Koch’s Kitty Katt urban paranormal series, and the first line of the review?

>> Just when you think Koch can’t get, can’t make things any weirder for her unflappable protagonists, she launches the proceedings into a whole new solar system, literally.

What book is this in the series? Alien Separation is book eleven of seventeen!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Gosh!

Amanda: What is this little critter on her shoulder? That’s what –

Sarah: I don’t know. It’s cute, though, right?

Amanda: I enlarged the cover. I was like, What is this little guy?

Sarah: He’s cute! I’m curious about the little guy!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But she’s, like, wearing a cropped Ed Hardy hoodie and some low-slung pants that might be denim, might be leather. I mean, she doesn’t have the urban fantasy belt, but she does have two guns.

Amanda: God, I’m so glad low-rise jeans are staying in the past where they belong.

Sarah: [Whispers] No, they’re not.

Amanda: No, don’t tell me that!

Sarah: They’re coming back. So are flares, but that’s all because of Kendrick Lamar. We’re all going to start wearing flares again.

Amanda: Have you seen the, like, Reels or TikToks with all the men trying on their wife’s flared jeans?

Sarah: Yes, it is –

Amanda: And they’re just, like –

Sarah: – exquisite.

Amanda: – tugging their thighs and butts like, Okay, I get it.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Moving on, we have two more categories, Series and Erotica. Now, for series –

Amanda: I –

Sarah: – you did not pick something, and I can’t say as I blame you.

Amanda: No, I skipped it. I mean, I went through, and there’s just like a lot of same, samesies?

Sarah: Mm.

Amanda: Lot of event planners, a lot single moms, a lot of law enforcement or military.

Sarah: I know that’s your jam!

Amanda: I know. And a, none of it was kooky enough for me. I’m like, Okay, whatever.

Sarah: I picked A SEAL’s Pleasure by Tawny Weber, which got two stars. This is kind of fun.

>> Picking up where A SEAL’s Secret left off, with Mitch and Olivia’s impending wedding, SEAL explosives eppert, expert Gabriel Romeo Thorne has a second run-in with foxy fis-, fitness model/relationship columnist Tessa Monroe.

So if this were now, she would just be an influencer.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> While she acts like she’s immune to his sexy powers, her true feelings are palpable.

How does, how do, how do you mean?

>> Sadly, this entry in the Uniformly Hot! (exclamation point) series disappoints. The premise is unfortunately lackluster and boring, and this one of the least romantic offerings in the Harlequin Blaze line. While the actual pairing shows promise, there is just too much auxiliary story here that serves as a ho-hum detour before reaching the end of the road for this couple.

Amanda: Oh boy!

Sarah: Yikies! Foxy fitness model/relationship columnist? That’s an influencer with a Substack or a YouTube channel right now. Hundred percent.

Amanda: Yes. One hundred percent.

Sarah: And then we move into Erotica, which is a little bit more beefy, no pun intended, but also could cover other genres? Like, there’s a little overlap with different ones? I picked, on page 104, Reining Men by Em Petrova or Petrova?

>> Welcome back to the Boot Knockers Ranch, where anything goes for women with unique needs. This entry gets off to a slow start, but once it finds its, finds a direction the action is more than combustible as the irresistible main couple becomes a threesome! (Exclamation point)

This got four and a half stars. It is erotic male/male ménage eBook. Boot Knockers Ranch, where anything goes for women with unique needs. Is the unique need a satisfying orgasm? Is that what the need is here?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: No. You’re thinking, Wow, all of these women have had bad sex so they go to the ranch. No, just listen to this summary; it is truly incredible:

>> The Boot Knockers Ranch is where women go to work out their sexual issues, from pesky virginity to self-esteem or simply to fulfill a fantasy.

I’m sorry; pesky virginity! [Laughs]

Amanda: The phrase pesky virginity I feel like has come up several times.

Sarah: It’s like your hymen chases you around! You haven’t had sex yet!

Amanda: …pesky about it?

Sarah: Pesky virginity! Do you know how many books that I have read over the years where the main conflict was that the heroine was a virgin, and somehow literally every other person in her life knew about the fact that she was a virgin and would ask her about it? Like, how are you doing with that pesky virginity today, Mary?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Like, oh my God! Let me continue. Pesky, pesky virginity! I, if I ever adopt another dog, I’m naming it Pesky Virginity. You know how, like, dogs that are in dog shows have, like, really long, regal names?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah, mine’ll be like Pesky Virginity House of Blues von Trapp, and it’ll be Pesky.

Amanda: [Laughs] The Hard Rock Hotel…

Sarah: Yes! Ex- – that’s right! So this is the rest of this!

>> Jack and Paul are two of the cowboys who make this happen.

What do you think the job listing is like?

>> The ranch is something of a –

Amanda: Sex cowboy.

Sarah: Yeah, I need a sex cowboy! [Laughs] Oh my God!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> The ranch is something of a fantasy camp, and for the studs who work there the opportunity to save for their futures or buy prime Texas land.

Oh, I love that there’s, like, a noble future aspect to the sex cowboys.

>> Jack’s –

Oh, Jesus Lord. I forgot about this part.

>> Jack’s skill is working with virgins, and Lissy fits the bill!

Amanda: How, like, what qualifications –

Sarah: Did he just –

Amanda: Like, is that your…

Sarah: Did he, like, used to work with, like, cows and is now applying, like, rounding up cattle to working with virgins?

[Crosstalk]

Amanda: I was like, What? How do you pick, like, what you specialize in?

Sarah: So he specializes in working with virgins, okay. 

>> Lissy also catches Paul’s attention. Jack has been lusting after Paul since he joined the ranch, but Paul didn’t swing that way. Although Paul –

Amanda: Didn’t: past tense!

Sarah: Didn’t.

>> – although Paul is intrigued by his best friend, he’s just not sure how to proceed. When Lissy enters the picture and wants to add Paul to their bed, all of the pieces fall into place.

If he fucks her ass to save her life, my life is complete. That’s just all I need you to know.

[Laughter]

Sarah: His skill is working with pesky virgins! I can’t breathe!

Amanda: Can you imagine that, seeing that on a resume? It’s already on his resume to the ranch is, like, when you list your skills and qualifications. Skills: virgins.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Working with virgins! Like, you know, you’ve got to rustle them up and put them in the pen and –

[Laughter]

Sarah: Oh my God, it’s so funny!

Amanda: …diet.

Sarah: Very hard. Now, there is a one-star here. Tell me all about it.

Amanda: So before I move onto the one-star, ‘cause that’s, like, the highlight of the entire magazine –

Sarah: Always.

Amanda: – there’s also a Jackie Ashenden in this section as well! [Laughs]

Sarah: Wait a, wait a minute! So why is this –

Amanda: …It’s on 104!

Sarah: So why is there erotica Jackie Ashenden and, was it contemporary Jackie Ashenden?

Amanda: Yeah! That book is erotic! Like, those books –

Sarah: Make You Mine?

Amanda: – are erotic romance.

Sarah: Yeah, that’s –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – I would describe that as erotic romance, except for the –

Amanda: I wonder if it’s the publisher, ‘cause this, the erotic one is Samhain –

Sarah: You know what?

Amanda: – so I wonder if they just kind of stick all the Samhains down here.

Sarah: Fair. Could be. Very likely. Because, I mean, the reason why so many of these digital presses started was because they were the only ones publishing the really explicit stuff that mainstream publishers weren’t ready to deal with yet.

So what did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked the only one-star –

Sarah: ‘Cause you are –

Amanda: – in this magazine.

Sarah: – doing the Lord’s work.

Amanda: It, it is the last review, also, in the magazine –

Sarah: Oh damn!

Amanda: – so this, this is how they’re capping it. It’s on 109, called Playing Dirty by C. L. Parker. One star.

Sarah: Yikes.

Amanda: >> While the idea for this sports-themed novel should score big, it’s unfortunately a shutout.

Sarah: Shame.

Amanda: I know.

>> Both Cassidy and Shaw are one-note characters, and neither has any appeal. Shaw would be fired for sexual harassment in the real world – don’t ask us about him exposing himself to Cassidy in a limo – and what’s supposed to be witty banter sounds more like an online flame war.

Sarah: I really want to ask about him exposing himself to Cassidy in a limo. Like, you can’t ask me not to ask you.

Amanda: They said don’t ask!

Sarah: But I’m going to!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Oh my God, the rest of the review!

Amanda: That’s what we said!

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: >> Worse, there’s little to no sexy in the sex scenes, the majority of which seem like they are trying to one-up each other’s, trying to one-up others for edginess, but bring no heat. This is a definite miss.

And then the summary:

>> Cassidy Whelan has worked for years at her sports agency, and now she’s up to make partner. Problem is Shaw Matthews, another partner’s favorite for what’s rightfully hers. They’re set up to compete against each other for a huge client, and whoever wins the client wins the partnership. When they both decide to seduce the other to come out on top, things get heated in more ways than one.

Like exposing yourself in a limo to your coworker.

Sarah: Now, I had legitimate, I think we both had legitimate questions about the resume, qualifications, and even the job listing for virgin specialist sex cowboy, right? Like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I had some professional organizational questions. I have a lot of questions about a sports agency that makes two people compete for a client and a partnership. What is this bullshit?

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if a boss told me that, like, Oh, you and this other person are up for the same promotion, but you’ll have to compete? Like, mm. I’m very competitive, but also don’t tell me what to do, so.

Sarah: It’s just like, you, you are the boss. Your job is to make the selection based on what’s good for the company, and if you can’t choose between these two people, that’s a you problem, not a problem to put on them! That’s just –

Amanda: It’s also –

Sarah: – weird.

Amanda: – it feels like, you know when you, what is that movie, like The Dangerous Game, where, like, rich people hunt poor people? [Laughs]

Sarah: Yes. Oh dear –

Amanda: Is that what –

Sarah: – God!

Amanda: Is that what it is? The Dangerous Game, is that what it is? “The Most Dangerous Game”? This is where we google! It’s our first google!

Sarah: It’s at the very end of the episode!

Amanda: I know; we made it really far.

Sarah: >> The story features a big game hunter from New York City who falls from a yacht and swims to, swims to what seems to be an abandoned and isolated island in the Caribbean where he is hunted by a Russian aristocrat. The story is inspired by big game hunting safaris in Africa and South Af-, South America that were particularly fashionable among wealthy Americans in the 1920s.

And it was adjust-, it was adapted several times and won the O. Henry Award! “The Most Dangerous Game” entered public domain in 2020, so get ready, everybody.

Amanda: Yeah, it just feels like the boss is probably like the rich dude who owns this agency and is like, Dance for me, puppets! Compete!

Sarah: What the shit? Honest to God. Wow.

So were there any books in this where you were like, I need to read that? You’re going to read Playing Dirty so you can find out about exposing himself in the limo, right? ‘Cause I need to ask you.

Amanda: I don’t. I don’t need to know any more than that. I think it’s self-explanatory.

The Kelly Bowen sounds fun.

Sarah: She’s so great. Such a great writer.

Amanda: I know. Like, Kelly Bowen sounds fun. I’m looking at our list. Definitely not Hugo & Rose or An Amish Man of Ice Mountain. Yeah, I think Kelly, the Kelly Bowen is the, the one on top.

Sarah: The winner here? But not Bite the Biscuit?

Amanda: No, not Bite the Biscuit.

[outro]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you so much to Amanda, and thank you very, very much to Claire Andress for sending me this issue. As I mentioned in the intro, I don’t have a visual aids post for this one. All of the visuals will be in the post at Smart Bitches, at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast under episode 657.

Every week I end with a bad joke, and this week is no exception. I would never leave you hanging like that! I mean, I might forget or tell the same joke that I told like two years ago, but, you know, I try! Are you ready for the joke? Here we go:

How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

You know, ‘cause he goes from, like, dude in a sweater and pants into the big, green dude wearing some jorts? Well, how come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

Well, because the experiment altered his jeans.

[Laughs] Jorts! I love the word jorts. It will, it will never fail to make me laugh. It’s like gumpy. It, yeah. Anyway.

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week.

And in the words of Friendshipping, thank you for listening; you’re welcome for talking.

[end of music]