488. Sweet Dreams Recap: Little Sister by Yvonne Greene

Sarah Wendell: Hello and welcome, and thank you for inviting me into your eardrums.

[music]

I am Sarah Wendell, and this is episode number 488 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. This week, a Sweet Dreams recap of Little Sister by Yvonne Greene!

Now, we have a lot to talk about: first, some of y’all wrote some fantastic epilogues to the very unsatisfying ending of Princess Amy, and I share my ideas, and it is so excellent. We are going to fix this book. It’s wonderful; you’re going to really enjoy it. If you listen to the episode, we’re like, what?! Just wait: it gets so much better.

Then it’s time for Little Sister, and in this one we have Big Misunderstandings and snarky sister fights and some really excellent parents, and theater kids: lots of theater kids.

I want to thank jfhobbit, Malaraa, and Kara (or Kara) for the epilogues, and do not miss jfhobbit’s art; it’s in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast.

And speaking of podcast, thank you to the Patreon community for supporting the show. Monthly pledges begin at one dollar, and every pledge makes every episode accessible and helps me continue doing these YA recaps, because I’ve got to find these books used. Thank you to our Patreon community for being fabulous. If you would like to join, it is patreon.com/SmartBitches.

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We have so much to do in this episode, and I’m so happy to be hanging out with you! Hello again. This is so fun; it’s just, you know, just you and me and this book and, you know, my microphone.

Before we get started with Little Sister, we have some housekeeping. We have to talk about Princess Amy. Now, if you are just joining us, hello! Welcome to the podcast. In episode 486, I did a recap of Princess Amy. The ending was, um, I would say unsatisfying, and I invited folks to email me with their ideas of what should have happened, and wow, did y’all deliver! Okay, so I’ve got three epilogues: two reader submissions, and one is mine, and I’d like to know how funny it is that these overlap so much.

So first is a comment from Malaraa. Hi, Malaraa!

“hmmmmm let’s see, 5 to 6 years on:

“Amber is most of the way through undergrad, working toward a degree in business. She has a fairly mellow young man as a boyfriend, and he’s studying to become a therapist.

“Amy is still friends with Amber, attending the same school, thanks to scholarships Amber and her mother encouraged her to apply for. They both have a pleasant long-distance friendship with Pete, because after their summer of flirtation, Amy & Pete both moved on with no hard feelings. Pete has been dating a niece of Letty for 2 years now, and is considering proposing.

“Guy continues causing problems for everyone for awhile, at some point when he bails on Willy before they get caught on an escapade, Willy gets community service time from a judge, and it moves him far enough out of Guy’s orbit that he starts growing as a person. He and Candace stay together until they leave for college, but once out of their families’ influences, Candace gets help from a sensible nutritionist and doctor to manage her choices better, and Willy starts at least trying to think before he agrees to things. They may have further to go, but they at least start down the right paths.

“15-ish years later: Amber’s therapist boyfriend is now her husband, she cashed out of her dot-com business at the perfect moment, and in addition to providing for her family, the funds from that funded several charitable endeavors because Amber knows that money is best used to help other human beings who didn’t start with resources she did. Amy is a successful owner of a small pizza chain, and while she hasn’t ‘caught’ anyone so far, she is quite happy with herself and her life, and she never lacks for male or female companionship when she wants it.

“Pete is happily married to Letty’s cousin. They have no children, they have solid careers and a pack full of happy dogs that are excellently trained and that they bring to hospitals to brighten the days of ill people.

“Candace has been married, and divorced, and is doing her best to raise her 2 young children with more rational and compassionate rules than she and her brother had growing up. Uncle Dick and Aunt Marcella both had extreme opposite health scares, and are both trying to adjust to a life where balance can be found. Willy is also divorced, and while he and Candace remain just friends for now, in another 5-10 years they may try for a second chance after all.

“Brandon with no bedtime ran wild through his teens, but he had the examples and support of the older group to help him steady up faster. He is now in college, has fallen for a boy of a more modest background, and spends his most of his non-school time fighting for LGBT rights alongside his buff but compassionate boyfriend.

“Guy gets no ending because I don’t like him and it wouldn’t be a happy one.”

[Laughs] Thank you, Malaraa! I really like this fic. I like the, the future reaching of it.

Jfhobbit also emailed me a very brief epilogue and said:

“In the much-needed epilogue, Amy needs to shut everyone down and call them on their shit. Especially Guy and Marcella. And also eat all of the cheesy casserole in front of Marcella. And then stay with Amber every time she comes to visit Pete, and only go over to her family’s house to hang out with her uncle and Brandon.

“Also, I color on an app while listening to your podcast, and I felt like these pictures were a good choice while listening to this episode”

I’m going to put these pictures in the show notes; they’re perfect.

While I was recording this, another epilogue came in! I love this so, so much! From, okay, Kara or Kara [Car-uh or care-uh] – I’m not sure which one it is, so I’m going to say both! – writes in the comments:

“I’m going to try my hand at an epilogue.”

Good!

“Following the conventions of the series, it’s not too shocking and ties up neatly.”

Excellent; that’s just what we need.

“Princess Amy – An Epilogue

“***Two Summers After The Original Story***

“Amy is newly 18, and spending her third summer on the island. Her summer romance with Pete fizzled out after he visited her during the first Winter break. They are still very good friends. Candace and her family will be arriving to the island late this year, as Aunt Marcella had a ‘little procedure’ done, and the recovery is proving more difficult than expected. Candace and Amy are both planning on attending University of Michigan at Ann Arbor, with Uncle Dick footing the tuition for them. Amy is a good influence on Candace, he thinks. Amy is just happy that she doesn’t need to hold down a summer job, because Uncle Dick is paying her tuition. Brandon with No Bedtime has been sent to a military academy, where he is thriving. It turns out, Brandon needs boundaries and rules.”

“*****

“Amy walks off the ferry, looking for Pete in his golf cart. Pete promised to pick her up this year. Amy is staying with Amber and her family, until her Aunt and Uncle arrive to open their home for the summer. Finally she sees them. Pete parks the cart and jumps out to help Amy with her bags. Amber comes around and gives Amy a big hug. ‘I brought you some fudge!’ Amber excitedly tells Amy. Amber and Amy had not seen each other in almost two years. Last summer, Amber was traveling Europe with her Mother. But Amy and Amber had kept in touch with long letters and the occasional phone call. In the fall, Amber would also be at the University of Michigan.

“A familiar voice yells out, ‘Hey Princess!’ A somewhat grizzled looking Guy comes around the corner and waves at her. A moment later, Betsy follows him, pushing a baby carriage! Amy looks at Amber expectantly.” No pun intended. “Amber quickly tells Amy the story: ‘Betsy and Guy got back together. There was a bit of a rushed wedding last fall, and Baby Lulu was born in March.’ Well! That was a surprise! No one had mentioned the wedding or the baby to Amy. Greetings were exchanged. They spoke for a few minutes. Betsy decided she had enough and said ‘Guy, Lulu needs to have a nap. We need to leave now,’ and the new little family left.
Pete walked back to the golf cart, followed by Amy and Amber. Amy got into the back bench, and Amber followed. ‘Take us home, driver,’ Amber joked with Pete. This was going to be the best summer ever.”

So this was the epilogue that I sketched out. In the immediate, at the end of the book, which if you remember, the book ends with her, like, regaining consciousness after being knocked out after falling off a horse, and she’s, like, listening to Pete’s heartbeat and, and – okay. So in the immediate:

“Amy gets an MRI and proper medical treatment because she lost consciousness, which probably means her parents, or at least one of her folks, have to come up to Mackinac.”

I would also like to point out that this is a pet peeve of mine in entertainment. You know how, you know how there’s something in entertainment that just bugs you ‘cause you know it’s not real? This is mine. If you are knocked out, you don’t just get up and walk around; you go to get care. Your brain is hurt. You’ve got to take care of your brains!

So back to my epilogue:

“Amy’s dad shows up, and he has massive arms from throwing pizzas around Chicago, and he and Uncle Dick, who is his brother, have a serious come-to-Jesus about the whole thing. Dick is gonna Step Up and manage the horribleness. Marcella is going to act like she feels bad, and so will Candace. They won’t actually feel anything, but maybe Marcella will dial back her awful for a, an, an hour. 

“Dick sets aside money for Pete to go to college but doesn’t tell anyone, and Pete gets a ‘scholarship’ to study wherever he wants.

“Amber does win several major competitions and goes to school at UCLA, which has a top-notch, badass gymnastics team – if you haven’t seen their videos on YouTube, they’re amazing – AND she and her mom build an art business on the side.

“Candace and Willy split up after that summer, and Willy notices how calming and restful it is to hang out with Amber. They get married eventually, and Marcella is incensed that Candace let Willy get away. 

“Amy wears nothing but gorgeous pink jumpsuits and becomes a chef, where she becomes part of the Health at Any Size movement. She and her restaurants become famous enough that Marcella sees her picture everywhere AND has to beg for a reservation. Which she has to do on the island because it is The Place to be seen, especially after Amy sets up a summer popup, and that is the start of her restaurant empire.

“I will say, however, she will not be serving Velveeta on pizza. I apologize to all of the cheese-loving people who were horrified by this. No Velveeta on pizza.”

I hope you enjoy these epilogues. I love fixing a story that ended so frustratingly.

And now let’s move on to Sweet Dreams #5, Little Sister by Yvonne Greene.

I almost forgot the cover copy; I can’t do that. So here’s the cover copy:

“Just when she had something good of her own, her older sister stepped in again. Cindy feels she’s going to be second-rate all her life. Her older sister Christine has the pretty face, the good body, and gets all the cute boys. Cindy just can’t win. Then, in study hall, Cindy meets Ron, an ex-basketball star, who’s the best actor in high school. He’s just been chosen to play Romeo in the big production of Romeo and Juliet. Cindy can’t believe that Ron’s really interested in her, Christine’s little sister! This time it seems she’s number one. Suddenly, Cindy’s hopes for romance and happiness are crushed when Christine is chosen to play the role of Juliet! It seems that Cindy will lose again, unless she can prove to Ron that she’s not second best after all.”

This is a very crowded cover. There is a dude in a striped rugby with a somewhat bemused expression on his face and very ‘80s hair, and I know I wanted that rugby. There is a girl with red hair and a white cable-knit sweater and a really, really nice manicure. Like, her nails look great. She’s staring at the reader, and behind her is a blonde girl with some floofy feathered hair, grinning at Mr. Bemused Rugby Guy. I wish my hair did all of the things that are happening on this cover. The art – or the photography, rather – is by Ariel Skelley again, and the name on the inside of the book is Kim Wittmann. Kim, I hope you are having a marvelous day.

Shall we get started with this recap? This is – so if, it’s the holidays, right? And maybe you or someone you know has one of those little trains that goes through a little holiday village and goes in a circle and goes in a circle? That’s kind of what this book plot does: it goes around a couple times, so – let’s get started!

Chapter one: It is November! And it is her birthday, and she is sixteen, but we don’t know her name yet because it’s in first person. She’s dreaming of a party with her mom’s special canapés and the most handsome boy there is her boyfriend, but it won’t happen. “There was no way I could escape the fact that I, Cindy Halley, would never have a sixteenth birthday that would come close to being as sweet as my sister Christine’s.” So there’s your conflict. They used to be close, but when Christine entered high school she became super popular and “began to act like Cindy didn’t exist.” Ouch!

But then her mom comes into her room, singing off-key, carrying a tray of french toast, sausage, fresh OJ, cocoa, and a vase with a daisy in it! Aw! “’Mom, you must have gotten up at six to do this!’” And her mom sits down and is like, yeah, sure, but it doesn’t matter. I’m so excited it’s your birthday!

But then she figures out pretty quickly that Cindy is feeling down, which makes Cindy feel very seen by her mom, but not in a great way, ‘cause her mom is seeing her insecurity, and she doesn’t necessarily react well. Cindy tells her mom she feels like she’s the ugliest person in the family because her parents and Christine are so good-looking. Her mom tries to reassure her, but you’ve met sixteen-year-olds; it doesn’t go well. [Laughs] Mom figures out that Cindy doesn’t want a party because she hasn’t ever been on a date and because she’s comparing herself to her sister.

Cindy’s mom is not tolerating her daughter calling herself ugly and tries again to reassure her. Cindy decides that it’s time for this conversation to end, so she gives her mom a big fake smile to appease her, and her mom laughs and says, yeah, your fake smile needs some work. Cindy’s parents are terrific.

Chapter two: Cindy is still feeling down on herself because she’s tall, and that has made her lanky. Christine was shorter and curvier and sexier than Cindy – which seems like a strange thing to notice about her sister, but okay – and the inventory continues. Cindy has strawberry blonde hair and brown eyes, whereas Christine has long, wavy, blonde hair and blue eyes. Cindy frowns at herself and tells herself she’s ugly in the mirror! Oh no, don’t do that!

But we do have an outfit! You know how much I love a good outfit in these books. Oh yeah, here we go! Cindy is putting on a bright yellow, cowl-neck sweater and brown corduroy pants, because the loose, wide-ribbed fabric camouflaged her skinny hips. So okay, but I just want to say I love corduroy? I love corduroy so much. I love corduroy, so the fact that she’s wearing corduroy makes me very happy.

Cindy is daydreaming about daydreaming, which seems very meta. [Laughs] She strikes a pose in the mirror and thinks maybe she’d be a model! “Modeling would be a super job. Wearing great clothes all day, getting your hair and makeup done by professionals?” But okay, and I realize this is a bit of a whiplash from “you’re ugly” to “maybe I could be a model” but, you know, have you met sixteen-year-olds? I have met many sixteen-year-olds; I once was a sixteen-year-old; I remember all of this.

But uh-oh, it seems Christine has already announced to the family that she is going to be a model.

“There we were, Mom and Dad and my sister and I, all happily eating away, when Christine said very matter-of-factly, ‘Oh, guess what?’ Whenever she says, ‘Oh,’ in that casual fashion of hers, I just know she’s going to tell one of her incredible stories. Christine’s in the drama club, and she loves to practice her acting on the rest of us. My mother falls for it every time, and that night was no exception.

“’What, sweetheart?’ she’d asked Christine expectantly.

“My sister had shaken her blonde hair off her shoulders with a quick toss of her head and announced, ‘I’m going to be a model!’

“’You’re kidding!’ Mom had exclaimed, her fork resting in mid air.

“’Nope!’ Christine looked very pleased with herself. ‘I’m starting in June!’

“Mom had acted as if she just couldn’t believe it.”

So it seems someone from a modeling agency had come to Career Day and given Christine her card and told Christine to come in and that she might earn a hundred dollars an hour as a model. Everyone is very impressed until Cindy points out the exaggerations in the story and also says it couldn’t be true. Cindy, it seems, has been researching modeling. She and Christine bicker, and Cindy does recognize that she is jealous of and competitive with her older sister. And then she feels bad for arguing because it’s really unpleasant for her parents and resolves to get along better, sort of like a birthday resolution.

“If only Christine weren’t so irritable and unfriendly these days. Could something possibly be bothering her too? No, how could Christine have any problems?”

Yes, I have been this sixteen-year-old.

Chapter three: Cindy manages to stop herself from comparing herself unfavorably to Christine – good job! – as she walks to school. So instead – [laughs] – she daydreams about boys, “the only subject worth thinking about.”

Now, I would just like to take a minute and say that sometimes I have trouble controlling what my brain wants to think about, ‘cause anxiety is kind of an asshole, but I can think of many subjects that I would like to think about more than boys, and I would like to propose that some of the topics that could be thought about instead are fanfic, chocolate pretzels, and corduroy everything. Please let me know what you think are the best subjects worth thinking about.

Cindy doesn’t think she has a lot of options with boys because she’s five foot nine and most of the guys were shorter than her or going steady. Listed in that order, by the way: the problem is either short or not available. Christine, of course, has a boyfriend named Jim Hoog. He’s gorgeous, and Christine confided to Cindy once that he goes to a tanning salon all year because they live in the suburbs outside of Chicago. So yeah, I get it, but I think it’s really awesome! [Laughs] Listen, my boyfriend goes to the tanning salon all year. It’s the ‘80s. Can you imagine, like, the ‘80s tanning salons? You were very bronze!

Cindy’s best friend Helen runs up to her, calling her Cynthia because she knew Cindy was daydreaming and knew that calling her by her full name would get her attention. It seems Cindy has a very big daydreaming problem, especially in math class. Helen wishes her a happy birthday, notices that she’s glum, and figures out that it’s because she doesn’t have a boyfriend.

I get it, I understand, and I am glum also because I don’t have corduroy and chocolate pretzels right now.

Helen has had three dates since she turned sixteen, so maybe the same thing will happen for Cindy. There is some weight nonsense regarding Helen that I am skipping because it is hogwash, and then they make plans to go to the mall after school. “Nothing hinted that it wasn’t going to be an average day or that I wouldn’t be able to keep my date with Helen.” Duh-duh-dun! [Creepy music]

Chapter four: School is boring, but Cindy likes study hall because Ron Peters always sit behind her. He’s a star basketball player, but hurt his knee so he isn’t playing this year, and instead he’s joined drama club. Are y’all thinking what I’m thinking? I would have put High School Musical music here, but I also don’t like to, you know, attract the attention of Disney, so just imagine some high school music, High School Musical music right here.

Christine has told Cindy all about Ron because they’re in drama club together, and Cindy is very attuned to all of Ron’s noises and sighs as he does homework, and she can’t concentrate. Then he stretches out his legs – he is also very tall – and kicks the back of her seat! She yelps and gets a glare from the teacher who supervises study hall, who refuses to let anyone talk. Ron asks if she’s okay and whispers to Cindy about the teacher, but the teacher catches them talking and tells them they have to go to study hall detention after school! The penalty for talking in study hall is more study hall. Cindy is extremely embarrassed.

In detention they have a different teacher, who assigns a five-hundred-word essay on “why I must not talk,” but then he drops it to three hundred words ‘cause he doesn’t want to be there either. [Laughs]

Cindy writes quickly, and her negative inner voice starts being really mean to her about her looks again. Negative self-talk is not the way. Then Ron interrupts her terrible ruminations. He’s done, and he’s teasing her! And she teases him back. He offers her a ride home on his way to work, and the minute she’s in the car she starts daydreaming about kissing him. And apparently daydreaming makes her look very serious, because he’s like, what are you thinking about? And she’s like, uh, math homework! And he says that she’s, he’s noticed that she is a serious student.

“’I’ve been watching you in study hall lately. You concentrate so hard on your homework that nothing seems to distract you. That’s why I kicked you; I had to make sure you were really alive.’

“’Are you saying you kicked me on purpose?’ I pretended to be mad, but I was ecstatic.

“Ron glanced over at me. ‘Actually, I was getting tired of looking at the back of your head. The front view is much better.’”

Aw! Then he asks her out! Eee! She accepts, and she is absolutely dizzy. She sees him drive away, but then she sees him stop to chat with Christine, who babysits after school and is out with the kids. So Cindy starts to doubt herself again, but then changes her mental monologue. Go Cindy!

Chapter five: Cindy is levitating. Her mother has baked a giant chocolate cake for her, even though she’s not having a party, and so they have cake for snack! Then at dinner Christine announces that she’s gotten a very high score on her math test, and her teacher had said no one had ever gotten that high a score! But Christine looks at Cindy like she’s daring Cindy to contradict her. Her parents make all the proud noises, and instead of being snippy Cindy says, “’Wow, that’s super, Christine!’” And everyone’s jaws hit the table that she is being so supportive.

Later, there is more cake, and her parents tell Cindy, so, are you going to tell us about your date? Turns out Christine had figured that Cindy would have run into the house to tell her parents, but Cindy hadn’t said anything yet. Christine, however, has vouched for Ron, and Cindy says he’s nice, and her parents are like, well, of course you can go out with him! We trust your judgment! Aw! And her parents look at her like she’s taken her first steps, like they’re so proud and misty about it, and wow, do I get that.

Then, that night, she’s woken up at 2 a.m. by Christine coming home late and breaking curfew! [Gasps] Cindy thinks about blackmailing Christine, but decides not to. Instead, she spies on her sister making out on the front steps. And this voice, the person that she’s making out with is, like, all possessive: “’Christine, you’re mine! You have to tell him!’” And Cindy’s like, wow, Jim is really romantic! And for the record, that doesn’t sound romantic to me, but it’s okay, I just, I don’t like possessive heroes?

Lots of passionate smooching, and then, as the dude leaves – ‘cause Cindy’s been spying this whole time – [laughs] – Cindy sees in the lamplight, it’s not Jim! [Gasps] Who is this dude?! She has no idea.

Chapter six: Cindy wakes up on Saturday, the day of her date, and completely freaks out because doing her hair is going to take hours. She asks her mom about dating when she was younger and what it was like to date her dad. Aw! Her mom’s parents were apparently extremely strict with her, but because she was only able to date her now-husband on Friday and Saturday evenings, they were very special.

Cindy goes upstairs to ask Christine about what it’s like to date, and Cindy makes an offhand comment calling Christine Smarty-Pants, and Christine does not like it! She doesn’t react very well, but that isn’t really explored. Cindy also doesn’t seem to notice because she’s too busy panicking about her date.

Christine gives Cindy the same advice her mom did: just relax and be yourself. Which is really hard, because when I think about being myself, I start getting confused and overly self-conscious, which sort of ends the part about me being relaxed and being myself, and it’s just a big mess.

Then Helen comes over, and it is outfit time. Oh yeah! They nix overalls; they, they say no overalls, not because overalls, but because there’s a couple who’s been going steady for ages who wear matching overalls every day! I love it! [Laughs] Cindy sews, but she hasn’t made anything special enough for a date. They also say no to an antique print dress that belonged to her grandmother, a form-fitting red silk dress that was a gift from her aunt after a trip to Hong Kong, and a tailored tweed suit. I would really like to see the rest of Cindy’s closet; this is amazing. Helen tries to convince her to wear the yellow sweater again, but she just wore it, so they go to the mall. To the mall!

Chapter seven: They’re going to the mall! I recently subscribed to a subreddit that is pictures of dead malls, like malls where no one is anymore, and it was so sad. Like, I loved going to the mall! It was a walking environment that was all contained; it felt like it went on forever. Now, I mean, I would rather do many other things than go to the mall. There is a mall near my house, and I have memorized where to park to get in and get out of the nearest door to the store that I need – usually Jo-Ann’s or Costco – and the idea of walking around inside the mall right now makes me shiver.

But this whole scene took me down such a rabbit hole of malls. I had a big mall and a little mall when I was growing up in Pittsburgh, and Monroeville Mall was the only one I knew until someone introduced me to Ross Park Mall, which was much bigger! And wow, that mall was enormous and went on forever. And where we live now there’s a little mall and a big mall, but it seems like malls are sort of dying out. People – well, first of all, there’s a pandemic, so you’re not supposed to go breathe with other people, but it seems like people are not going to the mall as much, which is really interesting, because I lived to go to the mall, and it seems like Cindy is a big fan too.

Now, they are going to the Mayfield Mall in Northdale, Illinois, and I looked that up; it does not seem to be real. However, the description of the mall is fabulous!

“Mayfield Mall was a huge shopping center on the outskirts of Northdale. It had four big department stores, five shoe stores, three pet stores, twenty boutiques, two hardware stores, one garden center, and lots of candy stores, ice cream shops, and restaurants. It was also the biggest hangout for miles around, drawing kids from Northdale and all the surrounding towns. Built to resemble a real town, it had walkways, bridges, canals, fountains, pools with goldfish, and false fronts to make the buildings look authentic. To us kids, it was a make-believe town full of wonderful things to buy and places to visit.”

Helen and Cindy search every possible store, and they cannot find a thing. Then Helen asks her to go to the hardware store in the mall because there’s a boy there that she really likes named Jason Greenberg, and alas, Cindy does not find him too impressive, because one time he came over to their house with Jim, Christine’s boyfriend, and he bragged nonstop about some catches that he made in football. But Helen is really nice. She gives Cindy a big pep talk, Cindy encourages Helen to go talk to Jason, and Cindy swears she’s just going to wear the first thing she sees when she gets home, and I really hope the first thing she sees is a couch blanket and she wears it as a poncho.

Later, Cindy gets in a fight with Christine because she uses Christine’s makeup without permission, and I’m kind of with Christine on this one. And then her mom gets mad at her because Cindy runs the washer and dryer just for one pair of Levi’s so they would be clean for her date. Cindy later apologized to her sister, and Christine is so shocked she volunteers to help Cindy with her hair! Aw! And then her mom loans her a gorgeous pink mohair sweater, and she is all ready.

Chapter eight: Guess where they go on their date. Guess! Guess, guess, guess! The mall! Because that’s where the movie theater is. She is very nervous, but Ron is super nice to her, being really friendly, and he seems to really like her! He asks her if she likes reading, which she does, and he confesses that he loves reading. What a dreamboat! He lets her in on a secret that he has been cast as Romeo in the school play, but it hasn’t been announced yet; he just overheard the drama teacher talking about it.

Then they meet up with another couple, Bob and Betsey, who are both seniors, and Cindy is awestruck to be hanging out with seniors, oh my gosh! But they’re really laidback and welcoming. The movie is awesome, and then they all go to the local teen hangout afterwards.

Now, guess what the local teen hangout is called It’s called Jack’s Snacks. I love this name! They are all having a great time. Everyone is eager to talk about the movie; they’re eating burgers; life is grand.

Until a person shows up wearing tight black jeans and a cashmere sweater and practically purrs at Ron, calling him sweetheart. It’s his ex, Gail Berry. Y’all, prepare for some girl-on-girl crime. She’s introduced to Cindy and says, “’So I see you’ve changed your taste in girls, going for the gangly tomboy type, huh?’” Bob and Betsey are very embarrassed at Gail’s behavior, and Ron gets really angry and tells her to leave him alone!

Then, relief! A huge crowd of drama kids shows up at their table, and Ron introduces them to Cindy as his girl. Gail leaves, and the group of them have a great time talking about the upcoming play.

So if you ever need to break up an awkward moment, you just need to summon a crowd of theater kids; it works every time.

Cindy wants the night to last forever, but she has a midnight curfew, so he takes her home. He can tell she’s really nervous about saying goodnight and about kissing, so he kisses her lightly on the nose, and he says he’s really sorry about what Gail says, and then, “’Next time let’s just make it you and me, okay?’” Ooh! She floats to bed.

Chapter nine: It is Sunday, and Cindy is a mess. She is – [laughs] – she is trying, she’s trying to use mental telepathy to make Ron call her. It doesn’t work. She decides to read Romeo and Juliet and realizes, oh no! Someone will be cast as Juliet and will kiss Ron all the freaking time. They’ll also die all over each other, but that part she isn’t really worried about. But also, we all know from the cover copy that Christine is cast, so that’s some kind of pointless tension? Like, we’re more than halfway through, but this part was in the cover copy.

Cindy and Christine have a big ol’ fight – surprise! – and Cindy is kind of being a brat, and Christine is stomping on her insecurities, especially when Christine says she knows she’s going to be cast as Juliet because she’s so talented at acting.

Chapter ten: Ron is not in study hall all week! Oh no! And Christine has been cast as Juliet, which we knew ‘cause it’s in the cover copy.

Then two girls who don’t seem particularly kind find Cindy in the hall. Now, Cindy’s kind of judgmental of them for spending too much time on their appearance, which, come on, wear what you want. Makeup is fun! But they are not very kind, and they tell Cindy she should be worried about Ron because, “They’re taking Romeo and Juliet very seriously.” Cindy is so worked up that right before a geology test she passes out cold in class, and she wakes up in the nurse’s office, and the nurse thinks that she has the flu, but Cindy is just heartbroken.

Chapter eleven: The next day, Cindy’s on the phone with Helen, who is telling her how they do the grocery shopping. She and her mother apparently start at opposite sides of the grocery with two carts and then do all the shopping and meet in the middle, because Helen has a lot of siblings and there’s a lot of food to buy, and this is how they get it done, and I was, like, super into this ‘cause I thought it was really cool, but Cindy was not listening because she was busy overhearing her sister lying to their mother about being out with Jim. So then Helen gets mad because Cindy is not listening to her, and Cindy goes to the mall, because that’s what you do in this book, and everything is crowded, but guess who she runs into! Ron!

Ron is very distraught because it turns out his dad is the manager of the mall, so he works there, plus he has school, and now he has rehearsal, and he doesn’t have any free time except Sundays, which he really wants to spend with his family. Now, he has a younger sister who he describes as disabled, but not using that word, using a much worse word, and then he says this, which I thought was really sweet:

“’I’m sorry. I should have squeezed in a phone call, especially now that I have to give up study hall.’

“I looked up. ‘You what?’

“’More practice,’ he explained. ‘I know I should have told you sooner. I love acting, and I love school, and I love making money, and I love my sister, and I love –.’ He stopped for a second before going on. ‘I just don’t have time for everything. Understand?’”

Ooh! Ron buys her lunch, apologizes again that he hasn’t called, and then asks her to walk him back to work, ‘cause he was on his lunch break. Outside of the store he’s going into, he kisses her in front of everyone! Ah! Cindy is over the moon with bliss, so she buys greeting cards for her family to make amends for being bratty, and then she just floats on home.

Chapter twelve: At dinner, her parents thinks the cards are so charming, and Christine is like, what is this? This is corny. And then Christine practically sprints outs of the house when a car pulls up, and Cindy’s like, what is going on? Then her parents say, well, now that you’re alone with us, we want to talk about your future, and Cindy’s like, what?

“Dad took a sip of his coffee and continued. ‘I realize that you’ve been a little intimidated lately by Christine’s accomplishments, but you have to realize that Christine is a bit of an actress and tends to exaggerate what her real achievements have been. And you mustn’t confuse noise for power, but you see, your mom and I don’t want to stifle Christine. It’s only months before she goes off on her own, and we realize she’s storing up a reserve of confidence, so to speak. But it doesn’t mean we think your goals are any less important than hers.’

“I looked up in astonishment. Could it be that my parents really understood how I felt about Christine?”

They go into the den to talk about colleges and in one evening narrow down four schools that she should apply to, and I would just like to say I love that it’s this easy for them? This was before the internet, and we are about the point to start looking at colleges, and it is a lot, and it is stressful.

Then Ron calls! He has some free time after school on Tuesday and wanted to take her to get a snack before work. Then Christine gets on the line and says, we’re practicing at Ron’s house so his sister can hang out with them, and Cindy feels really jealous that Christine gets to be at Ron’s house but she does not.

Christine also says, tell mom and dad I’m staying out till twelve-thirty, and then, oh no! Cindy’s dad says no to this weeknight date idea! Cindy’s mom talks sense into him. I mean, Ron seems like a responsible person with all the things that he does, so, I mean, it’s not a surprise, and Cindy is allowed to go! Cindy feels torn between how much she loves her parents and how much she yearns for Ron too.

Okay, girlfriend, it was one date, and you just talked to him for the first time like a week ago. Calm down. But then I, I also would like to say I have no room to talk, ‘cause I also met my husband senior year of high school, so my room to talk here is nil.

Chapter thirteen: Cindy sews herself a dress for her Tuesday date with Ron, but while she’s waiting for him Jim Hoog, Christine’s boyfriend, comes up to Cindy and tells her that he and Christine broke up, and somehow Jim thinks the breakup is Ron’s fault? Cindy is so upset she leaves before Ron arrives, thinking he isn’t coming. Then she overhears Christine that evening talking on the phone to someone, sounding really passionate, and thinks it’s Ron.

Then she wants to know why Ron didn’t tell her himself that he was interested in her sister, so she decides while rehearsal is happening she’s going to go over to his house and interrupt. But she stops herself short of actually going to the door – thank goodness – but not before she sees two people kissing in the basement rec room, one with blonde hair, wearing Christine’s barrettes – so it’s Christine – and another guy with brown, floppy hair like Ron. They’ve been rehearsing the play in the basement, so Cindy figures that’s what’s happening, only it’s not rehearsal anymore.

Cindy needs to take a few deep breaths, but she does not. She runs home, gives Christine the cold shoulder when Christine tries to talk to her, and then cries herself to sleep.

And I would just like to tell you, there are four more chapters in this book.

Chapter fourteen: Helen and Cindy argue for like several pages about whether it’s better to have an older sister or have a younger sister, and there’s some anti-fat bias about what they’re eating, and I want to reach a book where that doesn’t happen. Probably will not happen in the first twenty.

Then Helen figures out from Cindy’s rather self-absorbed whining – Cindy repeatedly doesn’t listen when Helen needs to talk about something on her mind, and it’s really frustrating – she figures out that Cindy has stood Ron up, because she saw Ron on Tuesday on his way to meet her, and Cindy’s like, no, that’s wrong. I saw him kissing my sister that night. He’s interested in her, and Helen’s like, no! She had to have been kissing someone else, because I saw Ron at the mall at the exact time you think you saw him kissing Christine. What is going on? So who was in Ron’s basement?

Chapter fifteen: Cindy has a good reality check with herself, which is much needed. She realizes that she makes Helen listen when she talks about Ron, but doesn’t listen to Helen when Helen talks about Jason, the boy she likes. She hasn’t asked her parents how they are, and she hasn’t asked Christine how she is, knowing that it couldn’t have been easy to break up with Jim.

Does this reality check last? No. She gets all snippy with Ron at study hall when he’s desperately trying to talk to her, because somehow she’s still convinced that Ron was kissing her sister in the basement, even though Helen says that she saw him at the mall and it couldn’t have been him. So she is super snippy with him, and then they get detention again because they’re talking. Cindy is completely wrapped up in thoughts about Ron and thinks that she’s madly in love with him, and it’s so terrible! And I’m like, girl, it was one date!

But then Ron writes her a note: “I don’t know what crazy thoughts are running through your head. I’ve got to talk to you. Love, Ron.”

Chapter sixteen: Cindy is convinced she’s blown it with Ron, which fair, because it really wasn’t necessary to go off on him, knowing that he was at the mall and not in his basement kissing her sister. [Sighs]

So Cindy’s in the bathroom prior to detention putting on makeup, and Christine walks in! And she’s all nice and mellow. “She had the kind of look I’ve heard people had when they were in love.” Christine says there’s someone she really wants Cindy to meet, just as soon as she washes the ink off her hands. Poor thing, her pen exploded; I hate that.

So there’s this guy with floppy brown hair standing in the hallway. His name is Bob, and wouldn’t you know, the guy that Cindy saw Christine kissing in Ron’s basement has floppy brown hair and is Ron’s brother. Yep! I didn’t see that coming! Bob is Ron’s brother, and Bob says, “’Is this the young lady my brother’s so crazy about?’” Dude, how old are you?

Cindy would like to expire on the spot, she is so embarrassed at herself, and it turns out Christine has been keeping Bob a secret because he’s twenty-three. Bob is training to be the manager of the mall after his dad, and he’s been taking his lunch break at three in the afternoon so he can hang out with Christine after school.

And somehow they eat in the school cafeteria at three o’clock, which is really something, given, one, how is this cafeteria open at three? And two, school security is such that, like, I can’t even get through the front doors without much interference.

Bob is coming over to the meet the parents, because they are very serious about each other! And I’m really wondering what the parents will say, because I don’t know if Christine is eighteen, and he’s twenty-three.

Cindy feels awful because she could have saved everyone a lot of drama if she’d just talked to her sister. Yes, and if she’d stuck to challenging her own assumptions like she intended the first time, well, there wouldn’t be much book, I suppose.

Cindy is late for detention – uh-oh! – and her assignment is to write an essay that “correlates some aspect of your life with an academic topic of your choosing, preferably something you’re studying this term.” And then she and Ron have to grade each other’s essays, because the person supervising detention has work to do? [Laughs] I feel so much sympathy for these teachers.

Ron’s essay is titled “Romeo and Juliet and My Relationship with Cindy Halley.” Oh, oh dude. Dude, you must know how the play ends; you’re in it! He’s mostly written about how the tragic end of the play compares to their misunderstanding after school the day before. “In the play, Christine was Juliet, but in this essay there was no doubt that Juliet was me!” Okay, you guys, you must know how this play ends!

Anyway, at the end he asks her – at the end of the essay, I mean – he asks her to go out for hamburgers. Now, that part is good. I think all of Shakespeare’s plays should end with hamburgers.

Chapter seventeen: It’s the last chapter! Can you believe that? It’s one month later. Bob, Christine, Ron, and Cindy all pile into a car to drive to Chicago and go see the modeling agent who gave Christine the business card on Career Day. Christine says, “’A month ago I felt I wasn’t supposed to be with you because you’re older, but today Dad let us go to Chicago because you are older!’”

[Laughs] Okay! Also, it’s very funny to me that they’re all going, and they have permission ‘cause Bob’s older, but Ron’s driving.

It turns out her parents had not been thrilled, but had grown to really like Bob once they got to know him. And then Bob says in the car how much it bothered him initially that his younger brother would be kissing his girl in the play every night. Aw, geeze!

The sisters go to the modeling agency, and the lady there doesn’t remember Christine from Career Day, but meets with them both and asks if she’s brought pictures. Christine has not only brought some snapshots of herself, but she’s also brought some of Cindy, and it turns out that at five foot six, Christine is a little too petite for modeling but might get some TV commercial work, which is fine, ‘cause she’s going to drama school, so she’s all in. But Cindy, at five foot nine, is very interesting to this lady, and she tells Cindy, “’You have all the requirements for a top-flight model, but you need a little bit more poise, some experience under your belt.’” She suggests that Cindy model in some of the fashion shows at the mall and come see the woman next summer if she’s into modeling and she enjoys it. Wow!

“My sister stuck a finger into the front of my jacket. ‘But you, you could have a whole new career in front of you!’

“’Maybe,’ I answered truthfully. At the very least it would be a great way to earn some money for college. The elevator doors opened, and I pushed my sister in playfully. She nearly hit a tall redhead who’d stood in the back of the elevator, smiling brightly, probably one of the models at Talent, Inc., I thought, but then I looked again. The back of the elevator was mirrored, and there was nobody else there. The tall redhead was me!

“’What’s the matter, Cin?’ my sister asked me. ‘You look surprised.’

“’I think I’ve just had a vision,’ I said slowly. 

“’A vision of what?’

“’A vision of the guys stuffing themselves with hamburgers! C’mon, let’s go before they eat themselves sick.’”

And that is the end of the book. I do appreciate that this book did end with hamburgers. I will say I did not expect the twist. I wish Cindy had not gone in circles for so long. I don’t love a Big Misunderstanding plot, but I did not see the twist coming that it was Ron’s brother. I also like the way that Cindy recognized that how she treats people around her matters and that they have problems too. I wish she hadn’t had to recognize it over and over again. You know, instead of developing, she went around in a circle a few times, and then they got detention and they worked things out, and then there were hamburgers.

What lessons have we learned from this book? One, hamburgers; two, corduroy; and three, if you really want to break up an awkward moment with a plot point that completely drops off, bring in the drama kids. They are great for a distraction.

So I’m curious: did you read this book? Do you remember this one? I would love to hear from you. You can email me at [email protected]. Thankfully, we don’t necessarily need an epilogue for this one. This one wrapped up very nicely!

But I do have some questions. You know I have questions, right? So, are boys the only thing worth thinking about, or am I right and it’s really chocolate pretzels and corduroy? And was going to the mall as awesome for you as a teen as it was for me? Did you have one mall, or a big mall, or a small one, or a whole buffet of malls? What was your relationship to the mall like? I’d love to hear from you.

And I love hearing from you anyway, so please feel free to email me at any time.

And I’m going to put a little treat in the show notes this week: there is a specific YouTube channel called Pittsburgh Dad which showcases the absolute perfection of the Pittsburgh accent, but there is one about the closing of the Century III Mall, and it, I have watched it like three times, ‘cause it is so funny, and so when you think about malls that you no longer go to or malls that have gone out of business, I think this video captures it so well, plus you get to hear what it sounds like where I’m from, which is among my favorite regional accents. So I’ll put that in the show notes, and you know where the show notes are: smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast.

I have a bad joke. But you expected that, right? Are you ready for this week’s bad joke? Ready, ready, ready?

What do you call a coupon-using vampire?

What do you call a coupon-using vampire?

DisCount.

[Laughs] I was going to try to go for a vampire laugh, and I couldn’t even do it! DisCount! I love it!

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very, very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful holiday season. We’ll see you back here next week!

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[merry holiday music]