Welcome back to Cover Snark!
Elyse: Dick in a U
Sneezy: Never thought about cupping done on a dick until now.
Sarah: Also the type treatment makes it look like FUX
We could do an entire page of cover art where an ab-tastic dude is lifting his shirt and looking for something and still never know what it is they are looking for.
Elyse: Not to be confused with Megatron
Amanda: Is Zuck getting into romance now?
b: Zuck would commission a better cover.
Claudia: He’d tell AI to do it.
Sneezy: *hisses in vampire cat*
Sarah: Is he wearing pants that lace up the side?! Wouldn’t the wings be the part of his body that would benefit from alternate fasteners? How annoying is that when you really have to pee? What if it’s bone town time? It’s like when a wedding dress laces up the back and a bridesmaid has to be texted to help because the bride can’t get out of it and the groom is like, ‘uhhhhhh.’
Not that I witnessed such an event.
But still. Lace up pants. Why.
Sneezy: It’s called confidence Sarah! “I am he who will NEVER pee or shit my pants. I am he who is impervious to boiling glucose!”
From Denise: I was just offered this book for free, and had to examine it a few times. Her left arm, left leg, and dress don’t make sense, especially with the salmon-colored settee in the background.
There is a leg bent behind the arm–magnify it–but the arm across it looks like the arm was put in place of the leg, the lower arm looks placed there because of the color of the sofa, her hair, and the arm seemingly starting where the knee would be. Because of that, the dress looks weird where the legs come out. The faux gold sleeves look more like curtain ties, and windswept hair indoors complete the look. Her skin seems to have three different shades from her face, arms, and décolletage.
Sarah: That person must do a LOT of yoga. And they can detach their torso from their pelvis.
Amanda: It also reminds me when I do the feel check after shaving my legs and find a big chunk missed.
Sarah: Ankles are always so challenging for me!!
Sneezy: I advocate for ATTACHED limbs. (If this is someone’s dismembered barbie coming back to haunt us, apologize NOW!)
From Jen: The guy on the left seems unsure about his hat and wig. The guy on the right seems to be investigating his burning midsection. The girl looks like she’s climbing off this bizarre book cover.
Sarah: You know that girl in the background has some earbuds in and is rocking out to Kate Bush and Florence + the Machine and the guys are SO mad she isn’t paying attention to them and their hat and their fireabs.
Amanda: The silver helmet and hair look like one thing.
Sarah: there is 1000% a knitting pattern for that hair and that hat as a single unit on more than one knitting site.
Sneezy: Somehow it looking like a cardboard cutout diorama makes everything that much worse.
The woman on SOLD looks like Carrie just before shit gets real. Those vicious dragons may be in for a bad time.
The Duke’s Virgin Sister makes me think of one of the singers on the Lawrence Welk Show (I’m old).
I now have this uncontrollable urge to look up Transformers Optimus Prime/Megatron fan fiction.
The facial expression of the dude on the left on SOLD is definitely giving me, “OMG, I cannot believe I’m wearing a MOP on my head. They do NOT pay me enough for this shit” vibes.
FLUX’s cover pose is known as the “oiled-up look-down” and it’s a thing—although usually the model is seen in profile. Extra points for low-riders and/or hands in the waistband.
When I first glanced at FLUX, I thought the dude was fisting the poo emoji. It was only after my 2nd cup of coffee that I realized it was his abs…
Aerodynamically speaking, that flying warrior ain’t gonna get of the ground. Wing mass to body weight is important.
I wonder if her Barbie body is the reason she’s still a virgin?
By the time I got to those viscious dragons (who look vaguely disgusted by their whole existence) I was on my 4th cup of coffee and now I have to go to the little reader’s room. I just…I have no other words, except it’s too early for this…
Metatron seems to be going for the Conan the Barbarian a la Schwarzenegger in the 80s (showing my age here). Metatron’s wings also seem to have been put on crooked. Maybe whoever glued them on let go before the hot glue set?
Definitely not the worst set of covers I’ve ever seen, although the ‘Those Kilted Bastards’ subtitle on The Duke’s Virgin Sister made me laugh. Also, I didn’t know the Regency was known for its strong eyeliner game.
Re ‘Sold…’. I thought the figure at the top of the cover was wearing a weird sort of mask, then I realised that it was just a… plank? behind her head, and actually those were hands, not eyes. I suppose it’s time to start wearing glasses a bit more.
Okay I do a lot of yoga plus fitness ballet and am reasonably though not extravagantly bendy, and I cannot figure out how to achieve Bendy Barbie’s position without dismemberment. I can put my hand to my foot like that, no problem, but none of the rest of my body parts are in those places.
If the author of sold to the vicious dragons is who I think it is, then you’ll find plenty of snark. All her book covers are trainwrecks.
I’m trying to picture how the guys on the Sold cover could look less vicious or less dragony. I’m guessing this cover got swapped for the one for The Vaguely Embarrassed Guys at Their First Cosplay Threesome.
I can’t unsee the smirky Jabba the Hut face in Flux guy’s abs. His bellybutton eye is disturbing! And those are the worst playdough abs I have ever seen on a book cover.
Flux: Do you suppose the author, the publisher or the illustrator know that “flux” is also an old-fashioned term for diarrhea? If only the cover model weren’t looking in exactly that direction…
MutationMeditationMetatron: ‘Nuff said, really. But I do want to see the blue winged creature hiding timidly behind the man. I never so much as took high-school biology, yet I can say with confidence that they are not his own wings.The Duke’s Virgin Sister: Take the title conjunction with the first reviewer’s “I was just offered this … for free”, and “bad taste” wouldn’t even begin to describe it. And what have the kilted bastards got to do with it? “I offered them my virgin sister, and those bastards refused to touch her!”
Sold: To the kilted bastards? No, to the vicious dragons. What the actual F? Did they outbid the kind-hearted dragons? If only “Vicious Dragons” didn’t sound so much like a low-rent teenage gang, made up of the guys who didn’t make it into the Jets and Sharks.
In addition to my concerns about whether Bendy Barbie’s torso is attached to her legs and left arm, I have further concerns about her three breasts . . .
Actually, I thought Bendy Barbie had a bite missing from that left tata. The cleavage seemed weirdly lop-sided. Also, @MirandaB, Norma Zimmer, the Champagne Music Lady? I’m old, too.
Sold! to the vicious, nip-less dragon played by Moe Howard in a spray painted mop. And is that Curly on ‘roids? (Really old.)
That second cover does not look like the late Alan Rickman (Metatron in Dogma), although the cover might (maybe? under the lace-up trousers?) have better definition Down There than a Ken doll. Maybe that’s the secret of Bendy Barbie? Or just some truly disturbing potential crossover fanfic?
When you spend that much effort on your abs, it’s important to take time to appreciate them. It’s like the old saying, “Take time to stop and stare at the abs”.
“Sold…”: Did Jake Gyllenhaal steal Flava Flav*’s
Viking hat and a can of silver spray paint? Was he going for a career change as a rap artist (and/or reality dating-show star)?
And his bro – is he really trying to extinguish that fire with whatever liquid is (barely) squirting from his nipple?
And if you’re still reading, Flav wants you to know that he wears that hat because “ ”. Really.
Whoops! Cut ‘n’ paste failure!
Last part (above comment):
*Flav wants you to know that he wears the horn hat because “the horns define how sharp my brains are”. Really.
SOLD TO THE VICIOUS DRAGONS: The 2 warriors went to kill a sorcerer, and now she controls them like puppets. Their veins stand out as they try to free themselves, to no avail. She has made one of them hold his sword hilt in a suggestive location, and allowed him some control over his face so she can savor his chagrin.
“Your quest to kill me was a subterfuge initiated by me to bring you into my grasp — now I shall exchange you for the reward offered by the dragons whose eggs you stole!“
Thanks for sharing my Cover Snark suggestion.
You know that “Sold to the Vicious Dragons” nearly went live as “Viscous Dragons” until someone’s partner happened to look over their shoulder and point out the mistake. You know it.
Metatron: Dude’s hair looks like a wig, and those wings are clearly not attached to his body. Also, why is she holding onto his thumb?
Virgin: I don’t see the gold things on bendy blonde’s arms attaching to her dress. Perhaps they are some sort of Regency elbow warmers?
Sold: Tinsel Hat/Hair’s pecs are very odd looking, like parts have been carved off. The pommel of his sword looks like a Halloween decoration plastic brain. He appears to regret spray painting his hair. Judging by the fingernails showing in the lower curve of the S, his fingers are extremely short. Also, does that sword end a few inches below the hilt?
@Merle: I was hoping somebody else had noticed Tinsel Hair’s pecs! I was worried for his health and safety.