Before we begin, I want to say a big thank you to Carole who has an entire folder on her computer dedicated to Cover Snark candidates. Thank you so much, Carole, for below snarkage offerings.
Sarah: His pecs make for a very strange nose.
Amanda: If you had to boop said pec nose, where would one boop?
CarrieS: I’ve studied a lot of cryptids but I can’t ID whatever the fuck this is.
Tara: Could there be two of them? I can’t think of anything else that might make sense.
Catherine: If the torso is his nose it looks more like an elephant trunk than anything else. But that doesn’t go with the eyes. It’s a bit of a Rorschach blot of a cover, really…
Lara: A lot might be wrong with this cover, but I’m stealing that slogan for my holiday packing: Honour. Pack. Survival!
Carole: If I was running from that kind of fire, don’t think I would be pausing to give Come Hither Flirty Eye to Bystander Photographer.
Sarah: He’s cleared second base, hasn’t he?
Leaving the fire behind, headed for third. Such dedication.
Elyse: I feel like a shirt is a requirement when fighting fires.
Amanda: What if the shirt is what caught fire?
CarrieS: Remember that scene in Backdraft when William Baldwin’s character saves a mannequin? I think that might be what’s happening here.
Tara: Why is her face dirty but her feet and shirt are totally clean?
Catherine: I am very concerned about his skin colour. Which I suspect is a direct consequence of him not wearing a shirt. Also, either he is enormous or she is tiny – it feels like the scale is out somehow.
Lara: Plot theory: She walked out her house to see her neighbour’s house burn down (Fuck you, Carol, or similar) and while she was ogling the firefighters, she walked into a ladder (result: sore cheekbone) I can’t keep a white shirt clean for a morning nevermind IN A FIRE. Also, there’s something… monstrous(?) about his hands… long, red fingers… hmmm. HE’S A SHIFTER!
Carole: When I first read the cover I thought it said Something About Vegans.
Sarah: It totally says “vegans.” Does she keep the vegan in her shorts?
Carrie: I thought it said “Vaginas” for a second, given where she’s looking.
Amanda: Whatever that “something” is, she won’t find it by looking in her shorts.
Carrie: Unless that “something” really IS her vagina…and she bends over farther and maybe uses a mirror.
Catherine: I don’t know, Amanda – she looks to me as though she has just found *something* unexpected inside her shorts. But what could it be? A nasty rash? A broken zipper? A lost crustacean? An extremely small vegan? (Unlikely on the face of it, but the title definitely does say vegans, so who knows?) The possibilities are endless, especially if you are a little bit sleep-deprived.
Lara: All this cover gives me is horrific flashbacks to the 2000s and those demonic low-waisted jeans. THEY CANNOT EVER COME BACK! Get behind thee, Satan!
That’s Brittney Spears, Queen of Las Vegas, on that last cover, isn’t it? (One look at the pose and “Whoops, I Did It Again” started playing in my head for some reason. I do NOT want to know what Queen Brittney is looking for/at down there.)
And the firefighter…just, no. Methinks this is not a REAL firefighter but the arsonist pretending to be a firefighter so he can impress the object of his affections by “saving her.”
Hey, it explains the smug look on his face.
Yeah, I obviously need a good night’s sleep.
Perhaps the Vegas gal is trying to figure out how to zip up her shorts without getting the zipper tangled in that long piece of belly-button jewelry.
I agree with DiscoDollyDeb — the look on Something About Vegans is “why aren’t these fastening properly.” A “what is this thing” look would have more nose wrinkling.
With Half Blood, I’ve known one person with one green plus one brown eye, and a couple of dogs with one blue plus one brown eye, but I’ve never heard of one green plus one blue. Are there any biologists in the house that can answer — is it even possible to have that combo?
If there was a Golden Raspberry Award for worst cover I think Red Hot Fire would win. (Though the utter hilariousness of it, does make me so happy!) 😉
The B and D on Half Blood were not as prevalent so I did read it as “Half Loo” at first and did wonder if he wasn’t pottytrained in wolf form. But the actual title doesn’t give me as much either.
I totally agree with Robin…the arsonist is dressed as a fireman stripper to kidnap the object of his desires.
If what happens in Vegas stays there, is she looking in her shorts because Vegas is her vagina?
@ AmyB – I am not a biologist, but I used to volunteer with a woman who had one green eye and one blue. She said the mis-matched colors ran in her family.
I think the model for There’s Something About Vegas has seen all those covers where the muscular guys are looking in their pants and is wondering if she could also find the secret of life by looking down there.
I agree with Robin on the firefighter. He’s too smug. And, is that her hand on his neck, or a group of some kind of fireworms?
I don’t know what’s more disturbing: the giant wolf behind the cover model here, or the wolf eyes coming out the chest of the ones on Marie Vales’ Legends of All Wolves series.
Don’t say you never learn anything at the Pink & Purple Passion Palace:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-does-someone-get-two/
Currently, the most famous person with Heterochromia iridium is probably Max Scherzer, pitcher for the Washington Nationals who are beating up the Cardinals in the NLCS right now. How eyes are very distinctive.
/Here endeth the lesson.
How = His
/Stupid autocorrect
I’ve never heard of one green plus one blue
Aha! That’s why I assumed the animal was a cat of some kind, while the fine print seems to imply it’s a wolf. The only green-and-blue I can remember seeing is on a cat. (There were three white kittens at the animal shelter, with three green and three blue eyes among them. To this day I can’t fathom why the mismatched one did not get adopted first.)
I think the only purpose of the micro-shorts in Something About Vegans is to keep the fishnet tights from drifting downward at the crotch, as fishnets will.
Did Red Hot Firefighter really not notice that he forgot his shirt when getting dressed? “Hm, now that you mention it, the raspy suspenders on my bare skin should have been a clue.” And is it just me or … does the whole setup look like an advertising shot for some would-be “edgy” clothing line? Her face seems to be saying “Is this right? Do I need to show more of the side seam?”
The firefighter looks too much like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory for my taste. I like brainy men, but they have to be smart enough to wear shirts when fighting fires.
Oh! Oh! The eyes of a different colour thing is called heterochromia, and in my family we have the sectional version of it. I have mostly blue eyes, with a brown section in one. My nephew has the same, with a brown section that is a bit bigger, and my cousin’s son has one blue eye and one with four sections that alternate blue and brown. If I were a scientist I would try to figure out the indirect genetic path it’s taken.
I do love the gender equality promoted by the vegan/Vegas cover. Usually it’s the men confusedly staring into their pants, but women are just as capable of confused crotch staring!
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Is cupping her breast really the most secure way to carry somebody out of a fire?
For some reason the firefighter looks like Sylar from Heroes