Look Out! Behind You!

It’s a wonderous hallmark of Old Skool romance covers to have some type of animal in the background freaking the fuck out. The FTFO Background Creature has ranged from kangaroos to rearing stallions (obviously), but in a recent purchase from eBay, Sarah found many, many old skool covers, each one more snarkable than the next. Thank eBay, the scanner, and the long lost treasure trove from which these covers came, we will not be short for snarkage in a long, long time.

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Sarah: Him: I have a unicorn AND a rainbow sprouting from my shoulder.

Her: Meh.

Him: I just farted a pair of fawns.

Her: Ho hum.

Him: A giant purple butterfly is nesting beneath my mighty ball sack!

Her: You and everyone else, dear.

Him: You know, you’re awfully uppity for a woman who is one stiff breeze from a full monty.

Her: I can fart turtledoves.

Him: Fine. You win.

Candy: In Enchanted Paradiseshire, gravity’s laws (as well as the laws of foreshortening) are held at bay, because I can’t think of a single other goddamn reason why that diaphanous slip of nothing is staying up.

I also think fucking with that many wild animals in the immediate vicinity is kind of creepy as well as hella unsafe. But maybe I’m just a prude that way.

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Sarah: Horse 1: Is she wearing taffeta?
Horse 2: *slurp slurp slurp*
Horse 1: And can a feather really be that erect?
Horse 2: *drink drink drink*
Horse 1: Move over. You’re hogging the teal blue waters.

Candy: Oh my God. The dude looks like he’s just stepped out from a high-school interpretation of Hiawatha. And check out his bangs! He’s either a) facing a pretty fierce windstorm, b) REALLY startled, or c) has a membership at CostCo just so he can buy hair gel in the five-gallon tub size.

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Sarah: What the fuck IS that thing? No, seriously, what the fuck is that?!

Candy: Presenting: naked mirrored were owl-man voyeur erotica. Who said romance was a stagnant genre?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Kalen Hughes says:
    +2

    What, you don’t recognize a lurking manitou when you see one?

  2. 2
    Anj says:
    +1

    Your opinions of the first cover had me snorting/trying to laugh quietly while failing. In my cube at work. Who knows what the guy in the next cube over thinks I’m doing…

    But what is that thing in the third cover? And why is it there? Is this possibly a paranomal romance??

  3. 3
    Alley says:
    0

    That first cover looks like a Lisa Frank folder I had in third grade, only pervy.

    What made me snort out-loud was that I looked at that third cover, thought “What the fuck is THAT thing?” and then read the commentary.  Glad to know the visceral reaction isn’t just me.  But, seriously, what IS it?  Does the story involve some sort of spirit guide thingie or something?  It’s kinda creeping me out, to be honest.

  4. 4
    +1

    It’s Mothman


    http://www.cryptomundo.com/cryptozoo-news/new-mm-deaths 

    Just in with a new prophecy. They’re gonna die. Not just le petit mord, either.

  5. 5
    Julie Leto says:
    +1

    I thought it was a chupacabra.

  6. 6
    Julie Leto says:
    +1

    Wait…I just followed the Mothman link.  I think you’re right!

  7. 7
    KellyMaher says:
    +1

    I used to own that Pam McCutcheon book! It was one of the few American-style romances (that I recognized as such) by an author other than Nora and not a category I could lay my hands on when I was studying abroad in England almost ten years ago.  If I remember correctly, it is paranormal and it wasn’t half bad.  I think I even searched out the sequel when I got back home to the States.

  8. 8
    +1

    It was the really creepy eyes that clued me in. I just noted that she’s the bestselling author of GOLDEN PROPHECIES. Will her the next title be SAVAGE MOTHMAN LOVE? To be followed by MOTHBALLS OF SPLENDOR?

  9. 9
    +1

    As a collector of and expert on ugly unicorns, I must say that the specimen set forth in the first cover is STUNNING.  I must find this and track it down for my ugly unicorn collection.

    ‘Savage Splendor’ looks like the cover art was done solely in magic marker.

    And does anyone else watch The Venture Bros.?  I’m pretty sure that thing in the background is one of The Monarch’s costumed henchmen.

  10. 10
    Annmarie says:
    +1

    I’m not going to be able to sleep at night much less get it on knowing there is a Mothman lurking.  Waiting.  Wanting to either eat my liver or give me a taste of his moth-balls.

  11. 11
    MaryKate says:
    +1

    Thank God! I kept trying to adjust my computer screen to see if it was out of focus.

    Ummm, Sarah, I think you should read the book to see if it’s relevant to the story. Then you can report back on it for us. What with you being the biggest GIVER in the whole world.

  12. 12
    Anj says:
    +1

    As a collector of and expert on ugly unicorns, I must say that the specimen set forth in the first cover is STUNNING.  I must find this and track it down for my ugly unicorn collection.

    It’s sad ‘cause his horn is bent.
    Does that mean the hero’s horn is not straight either?

  13. 13
    +1

    I think it’s pretty obvious that’s Wile E. Coyote.

    He’s waiting for them to leave so he can try out his A.C.M.E. kayak.

  14. 14
    Lizzy says:
    +1

    Enchanted Paradise? Oh, deer.

  15. 15
    JenB says:
    +1

    The mothman thing is effing creepy.

    And the horses in the Savage book look unhealthy. Someone notify the Humane Society.

  16. 16
    Cassie says:
    +1

    “Candy: Presenting: naked mirrored were owl-man voyeur erotica. Who said romance was a stagnant genre?”

    Laughed so hard I am literally crying.  Good thing no one else was here to see me lose it!  A bit o’ cover snark is just what I needed today. 

    And I have to agree, looks like the Mothman.  Whatever it is, I so want to read this book.  Then again, I’m wondering if there can possibly be an explanation for something that is the pure embodiment of wtf

    My verification:  who24
    Even the intronets knows about this owl-thing.  (Laughing again.)

  17. 17
    Tina says:
    +1

    #1)  Why do the men on these types of covers look like they are about to upchuck on the lady or are in throes of a seizure?

    #2)  For a light-skinned Native American of the Slapahoe tribe, he has a amazing hair.  Nice coiffure!

    #3)  Is that a owl-faced lady lurking in the background?  Don’t fuck there, get the fuck out!

  18. 18
    +1

    #1 Pinkie Pony says, “My eyes, my eyes!” I’ll never be able to watch My Little Pony the same way again.

    #3 Is that a butterfly or an owl with legs? Someone was smoking something.

  19. 19
    amie stuart says:
    +1

    Savage Splendor: Metrosexual before it was cool

  20. 20
    Lizzy says:
    +1

    I was curious about the plot of Enchanted Paradise—it seems to have so many dynamic elements—so I looked it up on Amazon:

    Child of a warrior woman, Aurora is raised by elves and dryads in the forest. It is here she meets Fayne a magnificient warrior who served a powerful sorceress. He is on a quest to steal the horn of an elderly unicorn traveling to the resting place. Aurora joins his quest to learn her true heritage.

    The unicorn is elderly, which I guess explains his droopy horn and what appears to be his little goat beard.

  21. 21
    Silver James says:
    +1

    That first cover looks like a Lisa Frank folder I had in third grade, only pervy.

    Thanks, Alley. I’d already cleaned up the spilled coffee from the Mothman thingy and just as I took a drink, I read your comment. *koffsnorfle*

    #2) For a light-skinned Native American of the Slapahoe tribe, he has a amazing hair.  Nice coiffure!

    Tina, he’s not Slapahoe. He’s Slickasaw…or Cherrytree. Or… <.

    < >

    .> …Semenhole.

  22. 22
    Barbara says:
    0

    Thank God I wasn’t drinking when I read Silver’s comments! But I did spit my gum at the monitor. *snerk* Semenhole……….. I’m going to be laughing all day over these.

    Verification: view51
    Looks like something out of Area 51… where do they come up with these wierd creatures??

  23. 23
    +1

    He is on a quest to steal the horn of an elderly unicorn traveling to the resting place

    So the hero is practicing elderhorn abuse? Or abusing his own horn? I’m sure there’s a law against it!

    less44 is more, more, more!

  24. 24
    TracyS says:
    +1

    That first cover looks like a Lisa Frank folder I had in third grade, only pervy.

    ROFLOL!!  I can’t stop laughing over that one~it’s so true!

  25. 25
    Wendy says:
    +1

    Ai.  When will I learn to to look at these things in public?  I become that chortling nutjob trying to hold it all in.

    “And does anyone else watch The Venture Bros.?  I’m pretty sure that thing in the background is one of The Monarch’s costumed henchmen.”

    YES YES YES!!  Thank you Jennifer.  I lost my barely regained composure over 24 hangin’ out in that oh so mystical forest.  (And shouldn’t there be a Brock and Molotov cover?  They’re nearly made for these things…right down to Brock’s unfathomable hair.)

    And wow…that Amazon blurb about Enchanted Paradise makes me want to read it for the laugh.

  26. 26
    Kelita says:
    +1

    Okay, coming out of lurkdom for that last cover.  You all know who that is!  Sing it with me now: It was a one eyed, one horned flying purple people eate…

    Only me?  Okay going back into lurkdom….

  27. 27
    +1

    Horse 1: Is she wearing taffeta?
    Horse 2: *slurp slurp slurp*
    Horse 1: And can a feather really be that erect?
    Horse 2: *drink drink drink*
    Horse 1: Move over. You’re hogging the teal blue waters.

    *spews water all over monitor*

    Okay, ladies, I insist you do a workshop at RWA wherein you put up covers on an overhead projector and proceed to do a comedy routine.  I’d bet you’d have standing room only!  I’ll even offer up a few of my own covers if you want!

  28. 28
    Flo says:
    +1

    Whatever that thing is… I bet it’s snickering in it’s face feathers.

  29. 29
    SonomaLass says:
    +1

    Pervy Lisa Frank—absolutely perfect description!

    These are fabulous, and I hurt from laughing. 

    I second the motion that someone should read one, two or all three of these and report (if not actually review).  SB Sarah, having bought them for the snarkable covers, can you resist the interiors??

  30. 30
    Kalen Hughes says:
    +1

    And does anyone else watch The Venture Bros.?  I’m pretty sure that thing in the background is one of The Monarch’s costumed henchmen.

    Oh how much do I love that show? Love Love Love.

    My friends and I are already planning a huge “Guild of Calamitous Intent” Halloween party. I so can’t wait . . .

  31. 31
    +1

    Oh my god, South Park was right. There really is a man-bear-pig creature.

  32. 32
    Carrie Lofty says:
    +1

    I’d completely forgotten about Lisa Frank. California-rolled acid washed jeans, A-Ha, Jem and the Holograms—those I remember clearly. But now images of pastel ponies on TrapperKeeper folders are all coming back to me. Brilliant.

    So have we decided that last one is a menage owl shifter story? Coz there’s gotta be a market for that shit.

  33. 33
    JenB says:
    +1

    So have we decided that last one is a menage owl shifter story? Coz there’s gotta be a market for that shit.

    Coming soon from Loose Id.

  34. 34
    +1

    In Savage Splendor, he has obviously killed her with his huge man hands.

  35. 35
    Kalen Hughes says:
    +1

    Jem and the Holograms

    My litte sister’s favorite cartoon. We were just discussing it at her birthday party last night, LOL! She had all the dolls and everything.

  36. 36
    +1

    I think the artist in No.3 was asked by the publisher to put something ‘animal-y’ in and they finally cracked. ‘Fuck it,’ they screamed. ‘Fine, I’ll give you an animaly!’

    Also, rucked up petticoats are not sexy when they make the woman look like she’s wearing a diaper.

    Heap Big Chief Kid’s Department at Target is about as savage as strawberry blancmange. But he’s just a blind. The real love story is between those two snuggling equines.

  37. 37
    JenB says:
    +1

    You know…the creepy manbearpig thing sort of resembles the manpigcreature on one of Poppy Z Brite’s books…

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1931081727/qid=1116554300/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/103-6444067-9561468?v=glance&s=books

  38. 38
    +1

    That thing on Poppy Z’s book looks like a CAT to me—snuggling up to—well, you know…

  39. 39
    Tina C. says:
    +1

    Heap Big Chief Kid’s Department at Target is about as savage as strawberry blancmange.

    Okay, there were many funny comments, but for some reason, this is the one that made me laugh out loud. 

    several95 – I don’t know about 95 funny comments, yet.  But we’re working on it.

  40. 40
    Anj says:
    +1

    Dude, the chick from Savage Splendor has WICKED tan lines. It looks like she’s wearing a sweetheart top underneath her dress, but it’s all just cleave!

    Also, I think somebody should make a line of pervy Lisa Frank for us 90’s gals. Like Hollywood Bear dressed as a pimp with the Cheerleader Bears for hos. Or the Unicorns in scandalous positions…

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