Sarah: Is that a moustache, or is that her hair wrapping around his upper lip? And why is she wearing seafoam green? It’s When Superheroes Collide: 80’s Lady Meets 70’s Porn Man.
Candy: That mustache makes his face look like a crotch, and the greasy sheen on his face makes it look like a greasy crotch.
There needs to be a rule someplace: only one crotch per person per romance novel cover, please.
Sarah: There is NO doubt that that is a moustache. Right? Or is his nose casting a disturbingly deep shadow?
It looks as if her bodice is held together by strips of velcro – very convenient when one is a romance novel cover model… on the bank of the river… with moustachio’ed Fabio.
Candy: Her: *sniffs suspiciously* Is that…French onion soup I smell?
Him: Non, non, ma cherie. Eeet ees merely ze French onion face-crotch.
Sarah: Armpit Hair. Now ranking #2 on my list of “Things I do not want to see on a romance cover.”
Candy: That’s not armpit hair. That’s Ragnar, the gerbil he stores in his armpit for…festive…occasions.
Sarah: “My breast implant, eet eez so heavy.”
“I know, dahlink. I have to place you on zee sand now. Zee boobies, zey weight too much.”
“I vant to borrow your headband to hold zem up.”
“No. Eet eez holding up zee hairs of my fine head.”
Candy: Frankly, the first thought that came to my mind when I saw this cover was “OH MY GOD, she’s stimulating her nipples to try to induce labor.” But I think Sarah has it right. Don’t you hate it when a bitch-ass boyfriend lies to you? You know that hair ain’t goin’ nowhere. The weight of the Aquanet alone would keep it rock-steady.
Sarah: Vertigo, thy name is Romance Cover. She’s falling over, he’s got a serious case of the Sun-In Highlight Spray overdose, the rescue ship appears to be on fire, and they are making out on the upended bow of their sinking ship.
Nice. The surrendering of her heart is the least of her problems.
Candy: Watch out! Pretty soon, her face is going to turn as green as her dress, and Fabio’s going to find out just how hard it is to scrub red wine barf stains from his leather pants.
Ragnar! Nipple stimulation to induce labor! Classic work, ladies.
I like the novelty of the Dark Whispers pose – at least she’s awake and actively participating – but yeah, armpit hair should never be mentioned or portrayed. It is necessary evil because shaved is even creepier on a guy, but it does not need to be shown off so gratuitously!
I don’t think the doctor said “it’s a girl” when that chick from the first cover was born.
Lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola
LMAO
you clever witty bitches! i love ya!
if my man whips out a “ragnor” i’m dumping his ass!
My aunt is a romance writer and she recommended your blog to me. I have to say, I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thanks so much and keep it up.
I was hoping for a link to more of Ragnar.
And what is it with these ships listing to port on the covers? Can’t they distribute the ballast properly?
“only one crotch per person per romance novel cover, please”
Ewww…… Excellent rule.
Oh, dear God. The man on the first cover looks like the dude from “Paheli”, except EVEN MORE SCARY. And, I must agree with Jennie, the “woman” on that first cover… well, I hope that story takes place on the wild-rose moors of Canada…
First, I have to admit to liking Fabio more with shorter hair. Long hair makes his nose look pointier. Like an afghan hound.
Second, the woman on the Savage Betrayal cover appears to be trying to salvage her modesty with a picnic blanket. It looks like they were gettin’ it on and suddenly surprised by the cover artist, so she snatched the first piece of fabric she found to cover her, well, you know.
The woman on the cover of Savage Betrayal looks like she’s asleep… and snoring. Guess his lovemaking is as exciting as his headband.
Pit hair, nipple induced labour and face-crotches, oh my.
And is it just me, or does Mr. Savage Betrayal have to have a ridiculously short thigh? I mean, we can see his calf and ankle behind her head, and I’m no expert in anatomy, but come on.
Except for the armpit hair and the glassy, vapid look on his face, the Dark Whispers cover is actually pretty good. I don’t like the colors, but the poses are good, and the proportions look right.
Glassy and vapid: Fabio’s specialties!
If savage betrayal is one of those savage-snatches-irish-beauty-from wagon-train kind of books could someone please tell me why she is wearing an 80’s cocktail dress?
And can the chick on the cover of PASSION’S PRISONER possibly hike her skirt a little higher? Because it’s not as if that gauzy cotton shift she’s wearing isn’t already plastered against her pubis.
I can’t be the only one who thinks Mr. ‘Bound by Ecstasy’ looks disturbingly like David Hasselhoff, can I?
That’s not David Hasselhoff. He has a really thick mustache, so it’s either Jason Lee (from “My Name Is Earl”) or Jeff Foxworthy.
Not only is the armpit hair ugly, it looks like a damn bush under his arm. Makes me want to barf up my Corn Flakes.