NB: Welcome to Flashback Friday! Since Elyse is no stranger to WTF books, we’d hate for everyone to forget about her glorious Wereshark review! If you’re like me, you might need an extra dose of laughter before meeting up with family over the holidays. This post was originally published January 27, 2016.
After reviewing books about mermaid strippers, orca shifters, and WWI submariner tentacle monsters, I think it’s only fair that I appoint myself the Smart Bitches Marine Erotica Science Officer. Naturally this means if someone is going to review Passions of the Wereshark, it’s going to be me.
Now, I’m going to spoil the shit out of this aquatic WTFery, so if you actually want to read it, stop right now and go ahead and plop down $2.99 for 27 pages of crazysauce.
The story opens with Sophie on her honeymoon with her husband Tripp. Yes, Tripp. Tripp suggests they try something new and exciting on their honeymoon! Anal!
No, wait, it’s not anal. He wants to go cage diving with great white sharks!
Sophie says sure because she’s a sport like that and she probably figures this will get her out of anal later. Now, if I was Sophie I’d be checking to see if Tripp recently took out a big life insurance policy on me because I’ve seen that episode of Dateline, ok?
So Sophie and Tripp go cage diving and she goes down first (hurr). We get this whole explanation about the guy running the cage-diving excursion, Phil, and how he used to have a high powered job in NYC but how he moved to Mexico to get away from it all, and I’m like WTF. This book is 27 pages long. Why do we need this much background on fucking Phil? Unless Phil was running a Ponzi scheme and now he’s in hiding? Cuz I’ve seen that Dateline, too.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Sophie is in the shark cage and a great white swims up (like it’s supposed to) but then it rams the cage and breaks through the bars. The cage was, apparently, made of balsa wood and hope because Phil never bothered to take a proper welding class after he fled the Feds in NYC (I’m guessing). The shark grabs Sophie and she passes out.
When Sophie wakes up she’s chained, naked, to the wall of a grotto. She sees the shark return but then it morphs into a dude. A Caucasian dude with a shitty haircut and totally black shark-eyes. He’s not even still gray and his dorsal fin is gone.
So the Were-Shark cooks some fish for Sophie and feeds her and then they have some dubiously consensual sex. He’s got a huge penis and Sophie comes like never before. Yawn.
I’d like to point out that great white sharks have two penises, called–I shit you not–claspers. Here we have an opportunity for diphallic action and it’s just fucking wasted. Thumbs down. I’m not reading Were-Shark erotica because I want vanilla sex, people.
So more time passes during which the Were-Shark bring Sophie food and fresh water and they have sex twice a day (the author is very specific on this).
Now, I have questions:
- How did the Were-Shark get Sophie to the grotto, IN HIS MOUTH, without tearing her to shreds? It’s a shark, not a golden retriever. He’s got like 300 razor-sharp teeth for fuck’s sake.
- Were-Shark is a shark when he’s in the water so how the hell is he bringing her back fresh water and food? How’s he holding it? Does he have a fanny pack?
- I’m assuming whatever kindling he’s using to make a fire and cook her food (yes there’s a fire) is transported by similar aquatic means SO HOW IS IT FUCKING DRY ENOUGH TO START A FIRE? Also, does he carry matches? A butane lighter? What. The. Fuck.
Now, you’re probably saying, Elyse, don’t flip a table over the implausibility of Were-Shark erotica, but no. I demand better Were-Shark erotica. I will not be complacent with subpar marine life fuck fests. Give me your mermaids, your orca shifters, your Were-Shark! But make it make sense!
Back to the story. Sophie is now pregnant and super nervous about it. She can see the little baby Were-Shark dorsal fin against her belly when it “kicks.” Daddy Were-Shark has now stopped having sex with her and just holds her hand a lot. What a dick. The only good thing about the sea-grotto prison is the orgasms. She’s pregnant, not dead.
If I was Sophie I’d be real nervous too. Great whites can have up to 17 babies at a go, and even though this will undoubtedly get her and Daddy Were-Shark a tv show on TLC, that’s gonna be a shitty labor.
After a mere 3 weeks of pregnancy (the estimated gestation of a great white is 12 to 18 months so I call bullshit) Sophie gives birth to a human-looking baby. Daddy Were-Shark takes the baby and OH NOES throws it into the water but YAY it turns into a widdle baby shark and swims away. He then throws Sophie into the water and jumps in after her, morphing into a shark. He bites her foot, pulls her under, and she blacks out.
That’s the end, folks. Some vanilla sex, improbable pregnancy, and a cliffhanger all for the low-low price of $2.99! If you actually want to read a good and educational book about great white sharks, I recommend The Devil’s Teeth by Susan Casey. I’m off to bleach my brain and have a glass of wine.
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So basically Sophie is used as a baby-mama? And there’s a whole lot of explanation about Phil the Ponzi but there’s no mention about the police/marine rescue services (IDK what those are called) looking for her? I’m glad that her pregnancy only lasted three weeks. And was she chained to the wall the entire time? I have so many questions but the answers are not worth 3 dollars.
And about that whole claspers thread: I distincly remember an article on Jezebel about a man with two functioning dicks and there were also some pictures on/from Reddit, which can be seen if you just google ‘man two dicks’ and maybe a bit of clicking but I’m at work so I’m not going to test that.
If it exists in the real world, the author sure could’ve incorperated it into her were-shark dude and maybe Sophie would’ve gotten her anal as well as her vaginal! One dude, twice the fun.
A+ review, Elyse!
HIS NAME IS JACK. MADIQUE.
Jack. Ma-dick.
Is anyone else surprised that there are no sharks or shark-like elements (fin, teeth) on the cover?
@ comment #3: there’s sharkbait on the cover though.
I’m not reading Were-Shark erotica because I want vanilla sex, people.
Once again, you’ve taken one for the swim team. Thank you.
I could see this showing up on Adult Swim.
All it’s missing are frikkin’ laser beams on his frikkin’ head.
Wait – what happened to her husband? You know, the guy she was on the honeymoon with? She just sort of forgets about him? Stays with Shark-dude?
Cliffhanger?! Wtf!
Having questionable methods of transporting dry goods (and captives) isn’t so bad. I once stumbled into an erotica about pool toy shifters— inflatable orca, shark (w/ two dicks ftw!), dolphin, & octopus– that bang the hell out of a girl sunbathing. I mean, it’s all relative, right?
Also, real talk. For shark shifters and sexytimes that are legit (also with two dicks), I rec Cleo Peitsche. And the first title in her shark shifter series is free, so look for Touching Paradise on your ebook retailer of choice if you are wary.
*sips coffee, contemplates looking at other Jack Madique titles*
Am I the only one wondering if Phil the Ponzi is actually Phil the procurer, enticing potential baby mamas for the were sharks? Who knows what other kinds of weres he’s working with? Were-sea elephants and their baby-mamas!
Okay, back to real work
I love these. Please, please, please read The Mermaid’s Kiss by Joey Hill next! It’s got a mermaid who also turns into a tiny fairy. It’s got a fallen angel. It’s got crazy WTF sex. Read the goodreads page and tell me you don’t want to read it – http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2896122-a-mermaid-s-kiss
You’re trying to kill me. I’m eating lunch and choking.
I don’t know how you managed to choke this one down. It is 27 page too much. Someone owes you some alcohol.
And I think I have to start watching more Dateline.
Another good non-fiction shark book is Demon Fish: Travels through the Hidden World of Sharks.
How is it that the WWI submariner tentacle monster has such a better cover than all these other ones? The shifters need to step up their game.
I had forgotten about the WWI submariner tentacle review – good times!
Thanks for the giggles. I love these reviews!
Elyse, your reviews are a highlight of my day every time one comes out. We still laugh about the orca shifter novels at my office. We tried to come up with another unsexy shifter and decided someone should write a camel shifter novel. I bet you’d love the hell out of that one! You’re the best.
Love the review!!!
Love the review of a book I certainly won’t read. So glad our Marine Erotica Science Officer is on the job! The photo of the shark fanny pack is a nice addition.
http://thefisheriesblog.com/2014/07/07/why-do-sharks-have-two-penises/
Well, technically claspers are just extensions of the pelvic fins, and they only use one at a time. So he could have two penises, but they would be like attached to his legs or something.
Citations: article linked above + current marine bio major
Hi, first time commenter. There’s another shark shifter erotica series out there with anatomic accuracy (for better or for worse–make your own judgments). Each installment ends on a cliffhanger and they are not cheap, but by the second book you DO see the double penis–I mean, claspers. Book 1 is Touching Paradise by Cleo Peitsche (free for Kindle). I gave up after Book 2 because I’d really only downloaded them for the WTF value.
Really, we’re all probably better off with The Devil’s Teeth, although the ending made me angry.
I am always so very happy when I see the F grade on a book review because I know it is going to be hilarious to read. I am wondering though how this story rated a plus. Surely it should be an F-?
The other thing I love about F reviews are the wonderfully funny comments that follow.
Was this book written by the same person who wrote the story about the gay shifters who were the tentacle creatures?
About Tripp… so the last mention of him is Tripp waiting his turn to get into a cage? The woman is on her honeymoon, for crying out loud, so one could perhaps be forgiven for thinking she is in love with her brand new husband? Has she any moral qualms about having sex with her kidnapper who can turn into a deadly ferocious beast?
How can anyone pay money for this?
What exactly is a WWI submariner tentacle monster? If the it is from the days of WWI, then it certainly has a long lifespan.
That book, Touching Paradise, has some serious disclaimers in the description.
The Mermaid’s Kiss by Joey Hill sounds just plain terrible. Can’t wait to read the review!!
What exactly is a WWI submariner tentacle? If the tentacle is from the days of WWI, then it certainly has a long lifespan.
This is the most disappointing thing I have ever read. Thanks for ruining my Wednesday 🙂
Yay, !earned a new word today — diphallic! Thanks, Elyse! Flashed me back to reading a Lords of Satyr book involving two penises, both of which were vigorously employed.
OH JESUS CHRIST. What a great way to start my Thursday morning. Thanks so much for reviewing this.
Now, I need to go check out that Shamoo-shifter story…
Is it bad that my biggest takeaway is that I think the bra on the cover is kind of cute? You’re brave marine were experiments have jaded me, Elyse- I can no longer be shocked. Especially if there’s not double clasper action.
Thank you for reading this so nobody else has to.
I can’t even…I’m laughing to hard. *lol*
I can’t get the image of a great white shark wearing a fanny pack out of my head now. Another reason I need photoshop…
LOL – at the comments as much as the wonderful review! OMG, reading this would be my idea of torture; I’d probably want to gouge out my own eyes. Plausibility is apparently not required in this story. I could deal with that, but I can’t deal with the heroine not giving another thought to her husband. Maybe this should have been named “Pregnant with the Were Shark’s Baby!” 😀
Loved the description of “He’s not even still gray and his dorsal fin is gone” still gray… It is only 27 pages long- I would want it to be longer if I am paying 2.99 for WTFery.
I read Touching Paradise yesterday and I really enjoyed it. So much that I bought the second book in the series. There are five of them.
Monroe, Our Heroine, knows that sharks have two penises and keeps asking Our Hero, Koenraad, where is his second penis. He claims that because he not human that he can hide that second wang. One of the reasons I am reading the sequel is to find out what happens when the second wang of mighty loving makes its appearance. Another reason is that there is a mystery about the ocean making marine shifters fatally ill.
Gloriamarie, I’m glad you liked Touching Paradise! The writing wasn’t bad, really. I first downloaded it because I was like WERESHARKS–now I’ve heard everything. But I felt like the books were too expensive and I disliked the idea of making people pay $3 per short installment.
Yes, you will get to see that second Heroic Wang in Book 2. Just know the cliffhangers will keep on happening.
One of Tanith Lee’s doorstoppers has snakeman sex with an interesting penis. Something grippy or claspy, it’s been a while. I mean, not only is Science ready to describe alternatives, but Genre has trod out a path.
It’s not a cliffhanger. She dies.
Source: I wrote it.
Thanks for reviewing! Loved every word.
@ #2: That made me immediately think of Stephen Colbert and his SuperPAC.
So I clicked on the link to read more information on claspers, and there’s a photo of a wobbegong shark’s man-shark-parts. Only I read it as Wobblegong shark, and now that’s the aquatic WTFery that I want to see next.
Reduce the sex, add bad CGI and another species, and you’ve got a Syfy Channel movie!
Wait– he released the newborn into the wild, ate her foot and drowned her…?
It’s not even available anymore. Dammit.
Could this become a Patreon thing The same way readers sponsor podcast transcripts? I am convinced there is enough interest among your readers to submit stuff like the Wereshark book or the weird reindeer shifter stuff. Unless that is too much to ask for or would take the fun out of it for Elyse!